Not sure if I should pursue a relationship

[marmar]

I met this guy on a dating site. We both drove 2 hours to see each other in person, and met once. The meeting went well and he seemed like he might be a good guy. So then we decided on a second meeting but didn't know when. Then, over the course of the next days and weeks, we were phone calling each other. No second date yet. Then we tried setting up a date but it was on a Friday because this guy has Fridays off and works on weekends. And then I found out I'll be working then so we had to cancel. It's been weeks since our first meeting at this point. I'm not entirely sure I want to pursue a relationship with him because number one the idea that we may not be able to see each other often troubles me and number two, something else troubles me. This is the fact that after that one meeting the guy suggested I drive to his city and spend the night. I wasn't sure if he meant spend the night at his place or not but it still doesn't seem like a good thing. He otherwise seems ok but also I'm not even sure yet if I like him. Help?

[Jaunty]

You don't need help.  You also don't need to turn yourself inside out for somebody who "seemed like he might be a good guy."  Especially since said guy lives 4 hours away from you AND may be going for sex already.

You don't even really like him.

You know what to do.

[yogacat]

Why are you dating someone that seems wishy washy and is evoking questionable feelings in you. He has red flags written all over him. Picture it: you drive 2 hours to his, what if it doesn’t work out? You have a 2 hour drive back to also think about if you want to do this again. The decision is up to you but if something in my gut tells me no -- I don’t want to do it and I won’t.

He's already mentioning you sleeping at his place. That's a bit too forward for only meeting once. Not to mention, it's a long distance thing and you two can't plan a real date. I think this is a lost cause and you should just set your sights somewhere else.

[smackie9]

I was going to say, you already answered your question....don't peruse. Keep your priorities and expectations in check. You don't date someone who's schedule doesn't align with yours, you don't date someone that is hours away when your expectation is to be able to see them often. It's all common sense.

[catfeeder]

Naaah. A suitable match is someone you can date freely and easily--and locally.

Consider that most people are NOT our match. It doesn't mean that they need to be villains or have anything 'wrong' with them. Just as some acquaintances are admirable but not your 'best' friend, the same will be true of people you meet while seeking your match.

The difference is, with acquaintances, we can rack up a lot of those at no expense to our 'best' friendships. However, with dating to find a relationship, we're trying to narrow down our dating pool to only ONE 'best' match. So, dabbling with people who can't offer reasonable dating experiences without overnight stays positions you badly. You'll either need to take on the expenses of private hotels to maintain your boundaries or give up those boundaries too soon and at the expense of your own safety. That would be a deal-breaker for me, and I'd stop wasting my time on long distance people.

[Andrina]

Now that you've learned LDRs aren't realistic for what you want in a dating experience, vow to date locally. I did that, mostly sticking to my parameters of no more than an hour's drive apart. The two times I gave in to my better logic of meeting two different men who lived an hour and a half from me quickly ended in defeat. Live and learn.

[TeeDee]

When you are experiencing is GUD . . . geographically undesirable date.    It's not him.  It's not you.  It's just the situation.  

Since it's already proving to be a p.i.t.a. just chalk it up to not meant to be & set your parameters tighter / smaller on the app. 

[ShySoul]

I had something going for nine months that was long distance. Because of schedules and various things that came up we averaged seeing each other one a month. Didn't mean we didn't care for each other or have deep feelings for each other. We loved each other.

Long distance can be complicated. But it doesn't mean it can't work out. You don't have to give up on it entirely, you just have redefine what is a relationship. And a relationship/date does not physical contact to be considered real or meaningful.

We aren't to far removed from a pandemic where people couldn't go out and date. There are plenty of options out there to connect and spend time with someone. If schedules don't work out for in person meetings, talk on the phone. Have facetime or zoom calls. The point is to spend time together. Anyway you do that is still spending time together and growing closer.

I spent countless hours on the phone with women I liked but couldn't see in person. And each call brought us closer together and made us happy until we could meet in person. It didn't take the place of those in person meetings, but it was just as nice.

As for asking to spend the night, perhaps it was an offer to continue the meeting you had and spend more time together. Knowing how difficult it is to meet up, he probably wanted to give an opportunity to extend the time you could be together.

Hope you were able to work something out and see each other. Hope you didn't give up on this. And even if this hasn't work out, please keep your options open and not assume that just because it's long distance, means it's impossible to make work.