Do you think it's better to have low expectations when it comes to marriage ?

[Jacod999]

Yesterday I went over to my father's house to spend some time with him and we were talking about marriage and relationships and he gave me some really good advice about marriage. 

 

I've been married for 7 years to my wife but my father is the one I go to when I need advice or just someone to confide in. He is the only other person I feel comfortable being vulnerable around other then my two closest friends. 

 

The one important advice he always gave me is to not have high expectations when it comes to my romantic partner. 

 

Don't expect them to have my back in tough times, to keep my secrets and to not expose my vulnerabilities and flaws to their friends, coworkers, family members and pretty much badmouth me. 

 

Overall don't expect my partner to be fiercely loyal to me like they promised. 

And if I get severely Ill or something and I am hospitallized or become handicapped, expect them to dump you. 

 

Those possibilities are pretty harsh but they are real. 

 

Your spouse is the one person that can betray you. 

Overall I shouldn't have too much faith in my wife and expect her to dump me at the worst possible time. 

 

Those possibilities are tough pills to swallow. 

 

What do you think ? Is it better to not have high hopes when it comes to marriage in order for you not to be hurt and disappointed? 

 

In my past relationship, I huge to be extra lovey dovey. I was hopelessly and blindly in love with my ex that I never noticed red flags but now in my marriage with my wife, while I love and care for her as a person, I don't allow myself to be vulnerable to her like I did to my ex. 

 

When I was vulnerable to my ex, she pretty much chewed me and spat me out. 

[Seraphim]

Please get divorced your wife deserves better . 
Been married 30 years and if my husband talked about me like you talk about your wife his arse would be out the door . 

[catfeeder]

46 minutes ago, Jacod999 said:

What do you think ? Is it better to not have high hopes when it comes to marriage in order for you not to be hurt and disappointed? 

No, I just wouldn't marry someone who doesn't inspire me to trust in as my partner who is on the same side. There is such a thing as a relationship prior to marriage. That's the proving ground for learning whether someone owns the capacity for loyalty or disloyalty.

If you've married someone you can't or won't trust, what, exactly, do you have as a foundation for your marriage?

[Seraphim]

Just now, catfeeder said:

No, I just wouldn't marry someone who doesn't inspire me to trust in as my partner who is on the same side. There is such a thing as a relationship prior to marriage. That's the proving ground for learning whether someone owns the capacity for loyalty or disloyalty.

If you've married someone you can't or won't trust, what, exactly, do you have as a foundation for your marriage?

Agreed no trust no marriage which is why they should divorce . 

[Jacod999]

20 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

No, I just wouldn't marry someone who doesn't inspire me to trust in as my partner who is on the same side. There is such a thing as a relationship prior to marriage. That's the proving ground for learning whether someone owns the capacity for loyalty or disloyalty.

If you've married someone you can't or won't trust, what, exactly, do you have as a foundation for your marriage?

Your spouse can potentially humiliate you and turn out to be the worst person ever. They might show their true colors eventually. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Jacod999 said:

Your spouse can potentially humiliate you and turn out to be the worst person ever. They might show their true colors eventually. 

If that's the lens you want to adopt through which to view your spouse, then go ahead. Good luck with that. 

[bluecastle]

1 hour ago, Jacod999 said:

Your spouse can potentially humiliate you and turn out to be the worst person ever. They might show their true colors eventually.

This is awfully cynical, and I'm wondering where it's coming from. Are you looking for a reason to end your relationship? Is there pain from your past you haven't addressed? Just asking questions. 

Every single thing we commit to can have negative consequences. Marriages end, sure, and leave scars. What was supposed to be a lovely hike in nature turns perilous when you accidentally come up on a mama bear and her cubs. The dream job ends up nibbling on pieces of your soul.

And so on and so on. 

That doesn't mean, as I see it, that you don't take the job, go for the hike, or get married—or go into any of these things twitchy for the inevitable disappointment. It means you trust yourself to (a) make good choices and (b) to be able to survive whatever comes your way. It's that trust in yourself that allows you to be truly open—to the rocky ridgeline, the romantic partner—without being fully dependent on either to cradle your sense of self or be fully responsible for your sense of safety. 

Less poetically: I would only get married to someone for whom I had the highest hopes—for what she plus me could equal and what she equals in the private, mysterious confines of herself. Otherwise, what's the point? I can sit alone looking through the lens of a rifle, scanning for threats—no need to bring another into that paranoia. And if it all turns out to be not as I hoped? I will be okay and grateful for the attempt at some magic. 

Hope you can find a slightly different lens than the one you're looking through at present.  

[itsallgrand]

1 hour ago, Jacod999 said:

Your spouse can potentially humiliate you and turn out to be the worst person ever. They might show their true colors eventually. 

So can anyone. ? Is it only females you don't trust, is it gender specific? 

I don't think your dad's advice is solid, I think its probably not meant to be harmful towards you yet it still is. It's probably a result of his own hurts and how he has chosen to process or not process those hurts.

Anyone you let near can hurt you. It honestly sounds like you have never really come to terms with your experience with your ex and are carrying it over to your wife. That's not fair and I know nothing of your wife's character but she at least deserves to be taken as her own person.  

[Jacod999]

22 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Is there pain from your past you haven't addressed? 

 

I never talk about my past pains to my wife. In general I avoid being vulnerable to her about anything. 

My father is the only person I confide in. 

[Jacod999]

3 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

So can anyone. ? Is it only females you don't trust, is it gender specific? 

Yes. Ever since I broke up with my ex years ago, I promised myself to not bare my soul to a woman. 

[Seraphim]

Can I ask why you married ? 

[bluecastle]

29 minutes ago, Jacod999 said:

never talk about my past pains to my wife. In general I avoid being vulnerable to her about anything. 

Why not? That’s a question to explore. Maybe I’m projecting my own ideals—and I say this as someone who struggles to be vulnerable in romance—but that seems awfully tough. 

I’ve had my heart broken and no doubt have hurt some hearts along the way. My resolve, every time: The next one—if this one ends—will have the potential to be an even bigger break because it meant a bigger love, and the last thing I want my obit to read is: “He stood crouched and alert against the potential of pain.”

 

[itsallgrand]

37 minutes ago, Jacod999 said:

Yes. Ever since I broke up with my ex years ago, I promised myself to not bare my soul to a woman. 

It must have been a very painful experience you had. And I'm sorry for whatever happened that hurt you so much! 

My grandmother used to call situations like this " blockages of the heart". Something happens that hurts you so bad, and it doesn't get passed through and so hardens up a pathway to the heart so nothing can flow through there.  Meanwhile, stuff builds and builds up around that spot. When it does get released, it pours and pours out. If it stays clogged, it starts to limit you and can even hurt you. 

[Jacod999]

11 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Why not? That’s a question to explore. Maybe I’m projecting my own ideals—and I say this as someone who struggles to be vulnerable in romance—but that seems awfully tough. 

I’ve had my heart broken and no doubt have hurt some hearts along the way. My resolve, every time: The next one—if this one ends—will have the potential to be an even bigger break because it meant a bigger love, and the last thing I want my obit to read is: “He stood crouched and alert against the potential of pain.”

 

I figured it is better for me to stay guarded in order for me not to be hurt again. 

[bluecastle]

59 minutes ago, Jacod999 said:

I figured it is better for me to stay guarded in order for me not to be hurt again. 

And how’s that working for you? Like, you feeling good, feeling great? You wandered to this site for a reason, and I’m wondering if that’s because you’re questioning the amount of pleasure there is be had by avoiding pain  

For what it’s worth? I’m writing this with a broken heart, and a fresh one. Sucks, and I’ll be on alert for a while, just like I’m a little skittish surfing in the ocean after a wave gets the best of me. 

But, man, the joy of surfing is too big for fear to keep out of the water. And I’ve found moments of shared vulnerability—especially over years with one person—to be far more transcendent than surfing. And so…

Sorry for the past pain, truly. I think finding a way to see it as just that—the past, not the future—might open some portals for you and your marriage. 

[Tinydance]

Well, look, nobody is perfect. I think if we're going to talk about lowering your expectations though, they need to be about the small things. Like, your partner snores, they have acne, they take long to get ready, etc. I don't think that you need to overlook the fact they treat you bad, don't support you or you don't feel comfortable talking to them about your feelings. They do say "marry your best friend". A partner like that isn't your best friend. They're more like your enemy.

[Kwothe28]

You are getting lambasted here but I think you asked a fair question.

Choosing your partner is one of the most important decisions in your life. And "unconditional love" is usually reserved for your kids. Your partner sometimes doesnt have one for you. There are so many examples of that. I heard an awful story about the wife who got cancer. And wanted a "hall pass" to do it with her former lover one last time. No consideration of a husband who in fact did stay for her there. Sadly, lots of marriages arent based on "in sickness and health and till death do us apart" mantra. There is a real possibility your partner wont stay for you there when times get though even if you will. They wont have your back, and they would leave if you get into troubles, whether its a financial kind or even health. Lots of people today dont think of a family as a unit. But more as a something as they can achieve their own selfish interests. If times get tough, they will pursue those interests elsewhere.

On the other hand, the choice of your partner(well except in some backwards cultures) is yours. It means you willingly chose somebody who did treat you bad when times got though. You maybe wouldnt hope for that, but at the end of the day, its your decision. There is also that. I do understand being hurt, being chewed and spat out. And that makes you wary in trusting future partners. But you just need to hope that you made the right decision with your wife since you are 7 years together. You have pessimistic view for sure. But that doesnt mean you should expect the worst from your partner.

 

[Jacod999]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

You are getting lambasted here but I think you asked a fair question.

Choosing your partner is one of the most important decisions in your life. And "unconditional love" is usually reserved for your kids. Your partner sometimes doesnt have one for you. There are so many examples of that. I heard an awful story about the wife who got cancer. And wanted a "hall pass" to do it with her former lover one last time. No consideration of a husband who in fact did stay for her there. Sadly, lots of marriages arent based on "in sickness and health and till death do us apart" mantra. There is a real possibility your partner wont stay for you there when times get though even if you will. They wont have your back, and they would leave if you get into troubles, whether its a financial kind or even health. Lots of people today dont think of a family as a unit. But more as a something as they can achieve their own selfish interests. If times get tough, they will pursue those interests elsewhere.

On the other hand, the choice of your partner(well except in some backwards cultures) is yours. It means you willingly chose somebody who did treat you bad when times got though. You maybe wouldnt hope for that, but at the end of the day, its your decision. There is also that. I do understand being hurt, being chewed and spat out. And that makes you wary in trusting future partners. But you just need to hope that you made the right decision with your wife since you are 7 years together. You have pessimistic view for sure. But that doesnt mean you should expect the worst from your partner.

 

The problem is when you first fall in love with someone, they can seem like a good person at first but after years, you'll see their true colors. 

[MissCanuck]

Your father is giving you bad advice. 

[Jacod999]

35 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Your father is giving you bad advice. 

Well he is been thro some things so he is giving me realistic advice based on what he went thro. 

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, Jacod999 said:

Well he is been thro some things so he is giving me realistic advice based on what he went thro. 

It's not very realistic at all. It simply won't work in real-life or lead to a healthy and thriving relationship. 

It's not fair to keep that side of yourself from your own life partner. It's cynical and sets you up for failure because your partner will get sick you holding back and being trreated with mistrust and suspicion. 

Follow Old Man's advice at your risk.

[Andrina]

How would you feel if you could see in a woman's eyes that she daily studied you, seeing if you were a wolf in sheep's clothing? How long would you want to live in that atmosphere?

Well, that's the atmosphere you've chosen for the woman you took vows with. That will be the reason for the demise of this relationship, but when the end comes, you will falsely blame it on your whacked theory.

You wear your emotional baggage around your neck like a scratchy, smelly necklace of dried up dead things. Aren't you tired and annoyed doing so? Look, entering any relationship is a gamble but it's a safer bet when you choose someone who shares your ethics, life goals, and when you see past the honeymoon stage how they care for you when you're sick and come to your aid in an emergency. If all that fits, choose to be open without barriers with your love and trust and being whatever you think is vulnerable. Then learn resiliency and keep all the other parts of your life full with friends and hobbies. Know that you will be upset if things don't turn out the way you wished, but you have a support system of friends and fulfilling hobbies and you will survive and move on until you get to the healing part.

Being open to all love has to offer will end up with you feeling happier on a daily basis versus wearing armor and living in fear. Why your wife stays with you at the moment, not getting all of you, could be due to many reasons. Possibly low self-esteem and she subconsciously believes she doesn't deserve better. And/or she believes her love will eventually get through to you and change you for the better. 

So, does she deserve better from you? If so, either improve or release her.

[Batya33]

14 hours ago, Jacod999 said:

Your spouse can potentially humiliate you and turn out to be the worst person ever. They might show their true colors eventually. 

The sky can fall too. Marriage is a leap of faith.  My wedding anniversary is this week.  I never would have married him if my perspective was what you described -whether regarding him or marriage in general.  Also wouldn't have been fair to our son.

My husband broke a promise to me last night - as a result I am tired today because it was too noisy for me to sleep when he was arguing with our son about a homework assignment due by midnight.  I was upset with him.  He said he was sorry and at that moment I thought it was totally genuine but in my sleep deprived haze I wanted more acknowledgement of what he did "wrong".  I made a point of saying to him "i really appreciate your apology."

This morning we saw each other briefly and I said - I'm sorry I reacted as I did you sure were stuck between a rock and a hard place."

He broke his promise -he'd promised not to interact loudly with our son after I went to bed earlier so I could sleep.  I could -react as you -well you know people suck and why the heck did I ever think he'd keep this promise OR I could have the expectation -we love each other, he is trying to be a good father, he messed up but many  times he's been good with his word and he apologized. 

I have the expectation of humility - we both need to own up and be humble when we mess up and I have the expectation of the default being -apology accepted/we move on. Yes there are exceptions.  I can imagine hypothetical situations which could be dealbreakers.  I do not dwell on these because when I got married I basically promised not to dwell on such what if the sky falls nonsense.

I was  tempted to be louder this morning while he slept -to take my shower while he was trying to sleep as opposed to rushing into the shower earlier when he wasn't yet back to sleep - and I did not allow myself to do more than think that childish petty thought.  Cause acting that out lowers my expectations for myself.  Because my true colors are - I am person who when tired can think about "revenge" like that and I am able to not act on it for the good of our marriage and cause I love the guy.  And he  should expect that of me.  That's what we promised each other before our wedding and at our wedding.

[SophiaG]

On 12/6/2024 at 5:59 PM, Jacod999 said:

Your spouse can potentially humiliate you and turn out to be the worst person ever. They might show their true colors eventually. 

Have your shown your true colors to your wife yet? Is this (quoted below) how you plan to treat a spouse as well?

On 12/6/2024 at 4:46 PM, Jacod999 said:

Don't expect them to have my back in tough times, to keep my secrets and to not expose my vulnerabilities and flaws to their friends, coworkers, family members and pretty much badmouth me. 

If you believe you're a good person and will be loyal to your wife, why can't there be other people who are the same? Then all you need is to identify a good person and marry them - of course there can be disappointments but what makes you trust your two close friends more than your wife? Is it because she's a woman?

 

[Jaunty]

On 12/6/2024 at 2:59 PM, Jacod999 said:

Your spouse can potentially humiliate you and turn out to be the worst person ever. They might show their true colors eventually. 

Why on Earth did you ever get married?   You'd have been better off to have remained single.  It seems like you must be living in a constant state of paranoia.

Perhaps investing in a therapist to talk things over with, rather than leaving it to your jaded father would be a wise move for you.