Do i talk to my abusive boyfriend's mother about him?

[Pineapples980]

Myself (26) and my boyfriend (26) have been together for 10 months. My boyfriend is a narcassist, he love bombed me when we met which is how i got into this situation in the first place, he is mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. We go through periods where things seem fine which ive become conditioned to believe, and then he'll have an outburst to which he'll invalidate me, blame shift, yell, call me horrible things and tell me to shut the *** up. After the abuse my boyfriend will be very nice to me, buy me lots of gifts to essentially buy my love and avoid taking any accountability for his actions- if i try to discuss this the cycle continues. I have a lot of empathy and struggle with this as i feel guilty or ungrateful if i were to try to leave him- hence why i'm still in this relationship. We've been together long enough where he knows exactly how to play me, manipulate me and make it so i don't leave him. 

My relationship is long distance as my boyfriend is in the military, he's currently on deployment for a very long time so we won't see eachother for a while. My boyfriends father was abusive to his mother, him, and his siblings when he was a child so i can only assume this is where he's learned this behaviour from- all of which he thinks is acceptable and that i'm the issue in his eyes. 

Since he's been on deployment, his mother has been very open in messaging me quite a bit for support to ensure i'm doing okay whilst her sons deployed. My boyfriend isn't entirely close with his parents due to being in the military and working in a different country for around 5 years. Obviously, his mother has no idea how badly her son treats me, she often sends me messages asking if i'm okay, saying how much her son adores me and how she appreciates the support i'm giving her son right now whilst he's deployed. These messages are very hard for me to read sometimes and almost makes me feel guilty for being unhappy with him, even though i'm the one who's being abused which she clearly doesn't know about. 

As my boyfriends mother was abused for 10 years by my boyfriend's father, is it inappropriate for me to talk to her about the abusive relationship she was in to try and get some insight into why her son is the way he is? maybe confide in her about the way i'm being treated by her son and get some advice?

I'm undecided if that's a horrendous idea which will backfire onto me, or if i'm wasting my time and it's better for me to just try and leave the relationship somehow. I'm very unhappy and incredibly tired of feeling this way but i feel trapped. 

Any thoughts or advice is appreciated, thank you.

[Seraphim]

Instead of talking to his mother break up with the hideous boyfriend . Easy to do, he isn’t there. 

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Instead of talking to his mother break up with the hideous boyfriend . Easy to do, he isn’t there. 

This^ and are you in therapy to determine why YOU choose to stay?  

At this point, it's not about him and his deplorable abusive behavior but rather you for choosing to stay. 

You understand that right? 

[bluecastle]

I think you're asking the wrong question here, the most pertinent one being: Why are you in this relationship? 

To be clear, I mean that gently, with a hug, not in a tsk-tsk manner. In the scheme of life, this is both a very new relationship and you are in the earliest stages of adulthood. This can be a dude you fell for, sh*t got weird, you moved on—a half-sentence story in the epic narrative of your life. It is, in the end, a choice to make it more than that and I can't quite understand why you'd make that choice given the way you write about him.

Imagine I told you I moved to a neighborhood, thinking it would be great, but it turns out my car gets broken into every day and every time I apply for a job I not only get rejected but get slapped in the face. Would you advise me to talk to the neighbor who is accustomed to getting slapped in the face, or to move somewhere more peaceful? I ask that earnestly, hoping it expands your perspective on what you're asking for here. 

I get being invested to a story—the story that this abuse is temporary—and I get wanting to find grist for that story in a chat with his mother. Sadly, I think you already know that the story in your head cannot eclipse the reality of the present, and hearing his mom say X, Y, or Z is only going to enable that which needs to be disabled. 

Wishing you the best. 

 

 

[Jaunty]

I also really can't understand why you are in this situation, mainly because it's long distance and it's new.  You can't have spent much time together.  For these reasons I can't help but think that it would be pretty easy to break up with him.   

IMO talking to the mother would be a bad idea, especially if you mentioned her personal history with her abusive husband.  Unless she's shared with you about that herself, she's probably not going to be happy that you have heard about it from her son.  

Mainly, though, you do NOT need to get more deeply enmeshed in this messed up family.  

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Pineapples980 said:

if i'm wasting my time and it's better for me to just try and leave the relationship somehow

Absolutely, unequivocally - this. 

This is not love, OP. And I would bet dollars to donuts that his mom knows more than you think about how her son treats women. She likely knows darn well that the apple didn't fall far from the tree, and she is worried you will bolt because she knows he abuses women too, just like his dad. 

Please get away from this man. This relationship will destroy you. 

[sunday_luthier]

I read an autobiography a few years back by a woman that told the story of how she got entangled with a narcissistic boyfriend.  

The book goes from one anecdote to the next, the text being interlaced with generic descriptions taken from the internet on how a narcissist behaves and works his trade.

The book is poorly written, but the main issue I have with it is that when you look closely, the man she is describing doesn't seem like a narcissist at all.  A lazy, careless, immature, cheating man, yes.  But to call him a narcissist...

The author is earnest in her description of her own behaviors in the relationship: breaking up with her boyfriend then begging him to take her back, threatening suicide, calling his mother to tell her she doesn't want to see him anymore, love-bombing him and displaying their relationship in social media when he would rather stay low-key...

I guess my point is that she can label him anything she wants to, it's her book.  But at the end of the day, they just seem like a couple of disordered individuals engaged in a toxic relationship.

I'm weary of people calling others narcissists.  Maybe their own behaviors are what is causing the "narcissist" to lash out.

In your case, regardless of labels, and from what you describe, this relationship is definitely not healthy for you.  Even if there is no physical violence, emotional abuse IS abuse.  The cycles of good and bad vibes you are describing are the exact workings of an abusive relationship.  

Do not talk to his mother as this would be toxic behavior on your part and she might spin it around to blame you for the unhealthy dynamic of your relationship with her son.

Leave quietly.  Tell him you are sorry, that you are grateful for the good times you had but you don't feel you are compatible, that you wish him the best.

[Kwothe28]

9 hours ago, Pineapples980 said:

I'm undecided if that's a horrendous idea which will backfire onto me

Its a horrendous idea. What makes you think she will support you instead of her own son? You are basically a stranger to a woman and there is a possibility that she already knows but enables his behavior. And again, there is a very little chance she would choose you, a stranger, against her own flesh and blood. Bad idea overall that would have the possibility to only get you into more trouble, not less. 

Besides what makes you think he developed those traits from his father and not from his mother? Who is also "lovely jubbly" with you but who knows what she is like behind closed doors. You maybe think you will gain an ally. Because she is also a woman and she was also abused. But this has potential to backfire on you horrendously. 

Just leave the abuser. Shouldnt be hard to you since he is deployed so he actually isnt there with you. Abuse victims have troubles because their abuser might be isolating them(physically and mentally) so they cant leave. You, on the other hand, have a free path. You can freely leave and have a lot of time to find the means to protect yourself if he bothers you when he comes back.

[Batya33]

Agree with the others -leave and also no contact with his mother.  I am all for you reporting abuse to the police or authorities if the situation warranted it Since he is away and since you wouldn't be reporting physical abuse I'd leave that alone.  Certainly talk to a professional and confide in that person and your own family if that is appropriate.

[Coily]

So a few things I have to ask up front since you BF is .mil; are you living in his on-base housing? Or holding his possessions while he's deployed? Or have a child with him and thus a dependa?

Sometimes it seems harder to end relationships with deployed military; but it's not. You have wasted 10 months of your life with this jerk, why waste more? I know that there is some part of you that thinks you can fix him if you get his mom involved; but you can't. She didn't change her husband, why would you expect her to sway her son?

 

[DarkCh0c0]

His mother is biased and will always cover for him. She'll always by default have to defend him. She'll make up excuses for his behaviour to not make him seem as bad as he is. Telling her will not solve his behavioural problem. It will not change him.

You need to change. You need to break the abusive cycle by simply stepping out of it. You have the intelligence to analyze all this, so surely you have the power to let go of what you don't control. You have not caused him to be the way he is. He just is the way he is, and he sees nothing majorly wrong with his behaviour because it was normalized back home. So you have to grasp this and let go. Accept him for whom he unveiled himself to truly be, and make a decision towards your well being.

[HeartGoesOn]

 As to involving his mother in this mess is a move where you'd never win. After all, since blood is thicker than water, it's likely you'll end up being the bad guy-so to speak.

 Remaining in this relationship, will only give him the green light to continue the abuse, which is more than likely to escalate.

In short you can't change him, you can only make changes within yourself.  Take care...

 

[smackie9]

There is no cue or any real therapy to deal with a narcissistic personality. He will always be who he is till the day he dies. Telling his mom will do nothing for anyone because he's an adult, he's going to live his life the way he wants whether his mother intervenes or not. Nothing in your situation is going to change unless you end this relationship and walk away/cutting all contact. 

[TeeDee]

15 hours ago, Pineapples980 said:

I'm undecided if that's a horrendous idea which will backfire onto me, or if i'm wasting my time and it's better for me to just try and leave the relationship somehow. I'm very unhappy and incredibly tired of feeling this way but i feel trapped. 

Why are you trapped?   You always have the power to walk away.  Exercise that power. 

You really need to figure out why you feel like you can't act.  The lack of self confidence you are displaying is the most troubling aspect of your situation.  

Do not drag his mommy into this.  You are an adult.  This is not a school playground.  

Never expect an SO's parent to pick you -- a third party -- over their own flesh & blood.   He could put you in the hospital but she'd still defend him.  You don't have to tell her anything.  Just say something banal like the relationship isn't working for you.  

[catfeeder]

What would you expect his mother to do about him?

She's likely to sound sympathetic to you, then bash you to him behind your back in the hope he'll get rid of you.

Messengers don't tend to fare well.

I'd make this more about ME than about him. What kind of relationship do I envision for myself and my future? This would not be it for me, and I'd bail ASAP. If you need help to do this, contact any of the Domestic Violence Prevention hotlines on the Internet for help with a plan to get away from him safely.

[Cherylyn]

Don't get his mother involved.  She will always have her son's back and anyone who badmouths him will become her enemy.  I'm a mother of sons and I wouldn't like it if a woman talked behind my son's back. 

Your narcissistic boyfriend is your problem.  You can't fix nor cure a narcissist.  They are forever damaged goods.  The only power you have over a narcissist is to no longer be with him. 

Don't feel guilty to leave him.  You deserve to be treated with respect and anything less than that is non-negotiable.  Control your own life.  Think clearly and do what makes sense.

[ShySoul]

On 12/5/2024 at 4:42 PM, Pineapples980 said:

Obviously, his mother has no idea how badly her son treats me, she often sends me messages asking if i'm okay, saying how much her son adores me and how she appreciates the support i'm giving her son right now whilst he's deployed. These messages are very hard for me to read sometimes and almost makes me feel guilty for being unhappy with him, even though i'm the one who's being abused which she clearly doesn't know about. 

As my boyfriends mother was abused for 10 years by my boyfriend's father, is it inappropriate for me to talk to her about the abusive relationship she was in to try and get some insight into why her son is the way he is? maybe confide in her about the way i'm being treated by her son and get some advice?

If the mother was abused for 10 years but got out, seems like she could very well understand what you are going through. She has made a point to reach out to see if you are okay. She seems like she does care about you and would want to help. So yes, talking to her would be a good idea. She may honestly be clueless as to his behavior, especially if they aren't in close contact. When confronted with it, she may recognize signs that she was choosing to ignore. And she may get angry with the son and try to do something to set him straight.

My brother was married to a woman who could be very cruel. He would talk to the woman's mother about things. And the mother usually took my brother's side. She knew who her daughter was and didn't just believe her because of the relationship. His mother might be the same way. No way to know if you never ask.

That doesn't mean you stay. It can be both. You can leave him and still talk to the mother. 

I'd look at it this way. Leaving will save you from his abuse. But what about the next person? If no one is aware of his issues, he will just do it to someone else. If you tell the mother, then you make someone aware and she can try to do something. She can talk to him. She can warn future girlfriends. No guarantee any of that will happen or work. But if you don't try, then there is no chance of any change and he will get away with it, free to hurt someone else.

Hope you are safe.