Partner of 12 years wants a “break”

[Darrenmcb1991]

 

Bit of a long post here so if you make it to the end and wish you leave some thoughts or advice it is very much appreciated.

My partner and I have been together for 12 years. Her (F35 and I M32) We got engaged young, after 2 years of dating and had planned to get married one year from now, she had just starting making wedding plans in the last 3 months.

In general, we have a really good relationship. We have 2 sons (2 + 5 years old), who are an absolute blessing.

Since the beginning of our relationship we have almost spent every day together. We have shared business and also ran our own businesses self employed where we could work from home together.

We haven’t been as intimate since the births of our sons, not from a lack of wanting on my side, I am extremely attracted to my partner, always compliment her, I try and seduce her and make her feel wanted and desired. 

My efforts have probably lessened the last 2-3 years due constant rejection and never being “in the mood”. I get that she has been breastfeeding on top of birth, and that her hormones have been out of whack. Which is why I have given her that space and not overly initiated trying to be intimate with her ( 99% of the time it ends in rejection for me).

We probably have sex once a month when she’s ovulating, as it’s the only time she’s horny.

We have fought in the past like most couples, we have spend days not taking to each other from time to time ( like 3-5 solid arguments in the 12 years ), but over the 12 years we have been extremely extremely solid I cannot stress that enough.

We spend so much time together, we try and do our seperate things but by the time work is done, we have given the kids the attention they need and deserve, and exercise is done, cleaned house, made dinner etc etc there isn’t a whole lot of time for us to go out and be independent and do our own things with friends etc.

She has said she feels like we have been living as housemates essentially for years, which I can agree with, but not for a lack of trying on my part. I have been content with the little intimacy she has been giving me due to the fact I know her hormones have been up and down while breastfeeding, which she only stopped 3 months ago. The sex has still been once a month when she’s in the mood during ovulation. 

She went for a beach walk this evening to speak to his sister on the phone, she accidentally sent a screenshot to me that she had messaged an ex partner to apologise to him for the way she treated him when her and I got together 12 years ago. Which is fine, she has felt guilty about this which I know, I don’t believe she has any sexual desire toward him anymore, I believe it has just been weighing her down and she needed to get it off her chest and let him know.

She meant to send this screenshot to her sister. 

So she came home, I asked her about it, I basically said we need to talk. 

To which she has suggested we should go on a break, to find ourselves individually again, try and ignite our spark by actually spending time apart to actually miss each other. Which I get.

She says we have issues in our relationship such as the intimacy, which I fully agree with. However I cannot agree that my actions have led us to this.

She thinks a break will do us good, where we co parent the kids, we have a family home and are looking at renting a nearby apartment. One parent will stay with the kids in the family home for 2/3 days and then swap with the other parent for 2/3 and continue that cycle for as long as we believe it needs. 

Call me a pessimist  but I don’t think it’s going to fix our relationship.

It breaks my heart as I have always wanted us to be a family unit, the 4 of us under one roof, together forever. My parents split up when I was a kid, and whilst it wasn’t a negative experience or affect me badly, it’s not what I envision or want for my kids. 

I understand we cannot continue how we have been living, with no romance, intimacy, just going about daily life with no real spark.

I don’t see how she was starting planning a wedding 3 months ago and now this. She’s said the planning of the wedding has got to her and has shown her these cracks in the relationship and that we should fix them before any marriage. I believe she wants to be with me, and I want to be with her. 

 

I’m not sure what I’m even trying to achieve with this post, maybe I just need to vent and hear some insight from people.

[sunday_luthier]

Sorry you're going through this.  It sucks.  I went through exactly the same situation 5 years ago with my wife of 15 years.

Looking back, there are things I would have done differently.

Here are my thoughts : 

First of all, don't panic.  Whatever happens, know that you will be ok.  Time is on your side.  This is important.  Your world is NOT falling apart.

Don't cling, don't beg, don't scream.  Do not be bitter.  Be calm, rational and understanding.

The good news is that whether you want her to stay or not, your behavior should be the same.  If she wants space, a break or whatever, let her have it.  Tell her kindly and calmly that you understand.  She will see that you are not trying to "lock her down", which is what the wedding planning may have made her feel was happening.  She will see that you are assertive, confident and understanding which, in turn, may make her be attracted to you once more and doubt that her decision is the right one.

 

[TeeDee]

A break isn't going to fix anything.  You fix what's wrong by working together.  

She wants a try out to see if somebody better comes along. 

It's ultimatum time:  You are together or you are apart.  

[sunday_luthier]

9 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

A break isn't going to fix anything.  You fix what's wrong by working together.  

She wants a try out to see if somebody better comes along. 

It's ultimatum time:  You are together or you are apart.  

I agree, but I would humor his GF's request for a break and give her a time limit. 

1 month to decide if she wants to come back, or make the split permanent and start dividing assets.  

Be assertive, without trying to "guilt-trip" her.  She needs to know you won't be her simp.  

After all, you might find after a month that YOU don't really want her back

[smackie9]

How about this....talk some more about it with her. You can do couples counseling, separation or both together. The first thing is to ask her why a separation is her only way to deal with this, and what is the actual goal behind it. Is she testing the waters so to speak? See how she feels about being on her own? And ask her about why she doesn't want to try and make more time for each other. There are plenty of ways to do this, like dropping the kids off with the grandparents for a weekend, or hire a babysitting service to go out dancing, have dinner, etc. To me when someone thinks the solution is to "take a break", they are not being totally honest with you. There's more to this than, "I'm not feeling it, I'm not happy". 

[tattoobunnie]

Sounds like she has so much mental load, that she always has to ask you to do this or that, without you initiating.  It does not matter if you do chores...do you do them without asking?

Do you plan the vacations, doc and dental appointments, pay the bills, plan the kids bday parties, buy the holiday presents?  Take a look at the cluttered home, and just start tidying without her asking?

Telling someone their HOT does absolutely nothing when you behave like a third child.

I would not agree to the separation. Ask her to do a few couples counseling sessions to get better tools to reconnect.  There is no way she can feel reconnected when she's sacked with the motherload of childcare, having to buy the stupid teachers gifts, writing thank you cards, getting the holiday cards sent addressed and mailed. Setting up playdates.

Check out Jimmy on Relationships on Youtube.

https://www.youtube.com/@JimmyonRelationships/search?query=intimacy

This is for you:

It's NEVER about doing what you've been asked. It's being able to take care of her, because I guarantee she's drowning right now.  Hugs, kisses, cuddles should be daily. When you only make physical touch about leading to sex, GIANT TURN-OFF.

Breast-feeding doesn't make you unhorny. I think that's something you made up. You can be touched out because you're kids gloms on you, but that does not kill your libido.

[Darrenmcb1991]

11 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

Sounds like she has so much mental load, that she always has to ask you to do this or that, without you initiating.  It does not matter if you do chores...do you do them without asking?

Do you plan the vacations, doc and dental appointments, pay the bills, plan the kids bday parties, buy the holiday presents?  Take a look at the cluttered home, and just start tidying without her asking?

Telling someone their HOT does absolutely nothing when you behave like a third child.

I would not agree to the separation. Ask her to do a few couples counseling sessions to get better tools to reconnect.  There is no way she can feel reconnected when she's sacked with the motherload of childcare, having to buy the stupid teachers gifts, writing thank you cards, getting the holiday cards sent addressed and mailed. Setting up playdates.

Check out Jimmy on Relationships on Youtube.

https://www.youtube.com/@JimmyonRelationships/search?query=intimacy

This is for you:

It's NEVER about doing what you've been asked. It's being able to take care of her, because I guarantee she's drowning right now.  Hugs, kisses, cuddles should be daily. When you only make physical touch about leading to sex, GIANT TURN-OFF.

Breast-feeding doesn't make you unhorny. I think that's something you made up. You can be touched out because you're kids gloms on you, but that does not kill your libido.

 

thanks. Eh no, I am extremely hands on with the kids, more so than her. I would say I do 80% of the household chores also, and yes without being asked. She cooks, I clean. How we’ve done it for 12 years. 
 

I absolutely do not only offer her affection or physical touch when im looking for intimate time. 
 

we are both self employed and each work from home and we take turns juggling the kids while the other is working. Admitted we don’t make a lot of time for ourselves barr exercise. We live away from family and neither of us have made any solid friendships yet in this new area. 
 

I do not simply tell her she’s “hot”, and I do not behave like a 3rd child, we share the load very well and always have done. 
 

and on the breastfeeding topic, I haven’t made that up, that’s what she has told me as her excuse for a lack of intimacy on her part. 

[Coily]

The big red flag is the suggestion that one parent lives outside of the home for any period of time. This is as there is often a multi-month lease, I would give that a resounding NO. Especially as I can almost predict with 99.999% certainty that she will suggest you move  out first; which will give her leverage for custody.

On one hand I can understand her feeling lost in the relationship and motherhood; for some it can be suffocating. However, her wanting to go with her sister or friends to have some time to herself, would be a far better solution than "going on break." Break, is just two letters short of break up; which is where this sort of then naturally ends up.

Couples counseling and maybe individual for her; is the position I would take in your position. No other options on the table.

[Andrina]

On 12/3/2024 at 10:58 PM, Darrenmcb1991 said:

We spend so much time together, we try and do our seperate things but by the time work is done, we have given the kids the attention they need and deserve, and exercise is done, cleaned house, made dinner etc etc there isn’t a whole lot of time for us to go out and be independent and do our own things with friends etc.

Sorry, but these are excuses, not impossible circumstances. Much as I love my husband, I like it that we don't work together. I like being able to tell him stories from my day at work and like how we can miss each other during the day and then have the hours after we arrive home to enjoy together. But since this arrangement likely works for you two to save on childcare expenses, I believe it would greatly benefit each of you to get out individually to do at least one activity/hobby once a week. Could be a book discussion group, bowling, painting class, etc. For dinners, some people do time-saving cooking by choosing a day to make some meals in bulk, freeze them, and then instead of every day cooking from scratch, a frozen meal could be popped into the microwave. On the one night a week she has her activity, the kids will still get the attention they need from you, and vice versa when you have your night out. As far as making friends, one idea is to put your older one in cub scouts or karate. Families hang out to observe and you can be chatting with other parents. If you become close with any of them, perhaps you could even trade babysitting hours. You could also ask neighbors if they can recommend a good babysitter.

On 12/3/2024 at 10:58 PM, Darrenmcb1991 said:

we have a family home and are looking at renting a nearby apartment.

If you can afford that, you can afford a babysitter at least once a month. You could also afford engaging in a shared hobby with your wife, like dancing lessons. That once a week activity could replace your regular exercise time. Many towns have lessons in Tango, Swing, Ballroom, Salsa. That might bring back a spark and make her feel less like your roommate. You could probably even afford a housekeeper once in a while to free you all up to get out to do something fun. Perhaps shaking up a boring routine will turn this humdrum existence into something more rewarding.

On 12/3/2024 at 10:58 PM, Darrenmcb1991 said:

she had messaged an ex partner to apologise to him for the way she treated him when her and I got together 12 years ago. Which is fine, she has felt guilty about this which I know

This is total BS. She is opening a line of communication that spells disaster for you two. She's looking to her past to find happiness because you two are lacking an emotional connection. For her, it's easier to dig up a past connection because she can't exactly get a profile on OLD. But with her ex, if the guy has poor ethics, they could end up having an emotional affair, or even a physical one if she has her own place, child free 2 or 3 days a week.

In your shoes, I'd ask her, for the good of your relationship, that relationship boundaries dictate that you two will refrain from communicating with exes and to not engage in any communication with anybody else inappropriate for two taken people. 

I'd also ask for couples counseling to work together on improvement, not different living arrangements. If I were faced with the same, if my SO didn't agree to counseling, I'd prefer to divorce rather than being naive in agreeing to a living apart break.

[tattoobunnie]

On 12/5/2024 at 12:07 AM, Darrenmcb1991 said:

and on the breastfeeding topic, I haven’t made that up, that’s what she has told me as her excuse for a lack of intimacy on her part. 

Never said you made it up.

You are both lacking in emotional connection - being defensive about everything I suggested is probably how you are also addressing her as well.

Good for you for taking care of your own home and children; keeping count by percentage also tells me you may resent her for not doing half.  It still does not cover the mental load she has on her shoulders.