My wife says I am inconsistent and stoic. What is her problem?

[Jacod999]

me and my wife have been married for 7 years. We have no kids yet. My wife complained to me and says that I am inconsistent. She says that she doesn't feel close to me and I don't share my life and feelings like she does with me but I think I share enough with her. I did tell her about my promotion at work and all the details that comes with it. I just never talk to her about my personal failures, family drama, family deaths. I also didnt tell her about the time I almost had a head on collision with a semi truck driver and I had to go into the shoulder to avoid the redneck and then I had to pull over because my heart was beating out of my chest and I thought I was gonna die from a heart attack. Physically I am a strong guy. I am body builder so it's important to always appear strong and hardcore in front of my woman to impress her but she wants me to be weak. But I don't want to appear weak. The day I almost died and then my heart was pounding because of that truck incident, I just calmed myself down eventually and then I moved on and got back home and cracked a smile for my wife as if nothing happened. I didn't even talk to her about that. She asked me how my day was and I told her I had a wonderful time at work and that's that. And it's not like I don't show her love. I buy her gifts very frequently and take her on expensive dates  but apparently that doesn't make her happy enough. And it's not like we have no conversations. I do her talk about politics, cars, car buying processes, recession, inflation, the housing market going up ECT. I have logical conversations with her but talking about feelings is one of those things I hate doing as a man. And based off what my male friends went thro in their own past relationships, it's not a good idea to be vulnerable to a woman.

How do i make her understand that there is no problems in the marriage and she is just looking for problems ? In general I notice that women are never 100 percent happy in marriages. They always find something to nag about.

[Batya33]

51 minutes ago, Jacod999 said:

But I don't want to appear weak.

I strongly believe that being vulnerable with people you love and are close to -especially in a marriage -is a sign of inner strength. There's a balance -I don't share with my husband every time I feel poorly - I don't want to be a burden but it's not to show strength -it's because I can deal with that on my own.  I did tell him when I was harassed by a man at the grocery store who had his unleashed dogs at the exit so I couldn't exit the store without potentially being attacked by his dogs (the dogs were alone -he was shopping).  He shares stuff with me too.  He is more "masculine" about sharing emotions, I am more feminine - it's all good, it works. I accept him for who he is but that's because I think he behaves in a genuine and authentic way not like some "I need to be some alpha male so I'm not going to share my feelings lest I appear weak"

Physically I am strong for my age - 58 and petite - I work out every day -not body building - I like feeling strong in that way and I don't see it as weak to show emotions in the way I do in my personal life.  

My husband and I teared up - for real -at our son's baby naming 15 years ago - when we shared who he was named after- my husband is short and is not a body builder.  30 of our friends and family were there. I saw him as incredibly strong and loving at that moment.  What is this all about with your notion of "masculinity?" Your wife wants to know you better -can't you be strong and let her in?

[MissCanuck]

This post sounds very real and not at all made-up. 

[Seraphim]

Could be your attitude that is the issue . 

[Coily]

7 years ago was the time she should have brought it up.

I get where you are coming from, far to often in a bad fight those vulnerable ( won't call them weak) things get thrown out as jabs to get more reactions. It really comes down to what you are comfortable with, not bearing your soul on demand.

That said, sometimes being strictly logical in conversations is rather dry and lacks any intellectual depth. Be a little softer when she's talking about her feelings, but you need not collapse like a sobbing pile of wet socks.

 

[Jacod999]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I strongly believe that being vulnerable with people you love and are close to -especially in a marriage -is a sign of inner strength. There's a balance -I don't share with my husband every time I feel poorly - I don't want to be a burden but it's not to show strength -it's because I can deal with that on my own.  I did tell him when I was harassed by a man at the grocery store who had his unleashed dogs at the exit so I couldn't exit the store without potentially being attacked by his dogs (the dogs were alone -he was shopping).  He shares stuff with me too.  He is more "masculine" about sharing emotions, I am more feminine - it's all good, it works. I accept him for who he is but that's because I think he behaves in a genuine and authentic way not like some "I need to be some alpha male so I'm not going to share my feelings lest I appear weak"

Physically I am strong for my age - 58 and petite - I work out every day -not body building - I like feeling strong in that way and I don't see it as weak to show emotions in the way I do in my personal life.  

My husband and I teared up - for real -at our son's baby naming 15 years ago - when we shared who he was named after- my husband is short and is not a body builder.  30 of our friends and family were there. I saw him as incredibly strong and loving at that moment.  What is this all about with your notion of "masculinity?" Your wife wants to know you better -can't you be strong and let her in?

Well in my past relationships with women, I've been humiliated so I am very guarded and self cautious. 

 

My last ex even told me that I am never gonna be in a lasting relationship if I can't suck it up and be more manly. 

[Jacod999]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

7 years ago was the time she should have brought it up.

I get where you are coming from, far to often in a bad fight those vulnerable ( won't call them weak) things get thrown out as jabs to get more reactions. 

 

That's why I keep my guards up. Those things happened to me in my past relationships. Women telling me that I should be more open and then when we would have bad arguments, those same vulnerabilities would be used to mock and throw jabs at me so I stay guarded to not give my wife ammos. 

[Jacod999]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

Could be your attitude that is the issue . 

I don't have an attitude. I do talk politely to my wife. 

[Seraphim]

16 minutes ago, Jacod999 said:

I don't have an attitude. I do talk politely to my wife. 

However, people including men can have and discuss feelings and not be weak. That is just being human. She is trying to emotionally connect with you which will make your marriage better . 

[Jacod999]

Just now, Seraphim said:

However, people including men can have and discuss feelings and not be weak. That is just being human. She is trying to emotionally connect with you which will make your marriage better . 

There are two possibilities. She may be trying to connect with me or she is trying to manipulate me. She could be playing nice and sweet and later on she will humiliate me In the worst way possible like my ex did. 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Jacod999 said:

There are two possibilities. She may be trying to connect with me or she is trying to manipulate me. She could be playing nice and sweet and later on she will humiliate me In the worst way possible like my ex did. 

Has she ever done that ? 

[Jacod999]

Just now, Seraphim said:

Has she ever done that ? 

No not yet. But I am cautious. I don't want to give her that potential. 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Jacod999 said:

No not yet. But I am cautious. I don't want to give her that potential. 

She isn’t your ex. Why did you get married if you don’t trust people ? 

[Jacod999]

Just now, Seraphim said:

She isn’t your ex. Why did you get married if you don’t trust people ? 

Trust is earned. Not given. Nobody is entitled to receive full trust from others. 

[Seraphim]

So in 7 years she hasn’t earned your trust ? Wow. There is a lot of issues at hand then. Maybe counseling or divorce is in order . 

[TeeDee]

4 hours ago, Jacod999 said:

How do i make her understand that there is no problems in the marriage and she is just looking for problems ? 

How do I make you understand that there is a HUGE problem in your marriage? 

I complain that my husband is stoic & doesn't talk to me but he's a regular chatty cathy compared to you. 

You had a near death experience but didn't tell her about it.  Instead you glossed over it -- in essence LIED right to her face -- and told her everything was wonderful & you had a great day at work.   WTH?  By not sharing the truth about your day you are communicating that she's not important enough to share details with.  You are shutting her out.  

The idea that you have shut down & worry that your wife is manipulating you shows that there are real cracks in the foundation of your marriage.  If you don't have trust, what do you have?  The fact that you are still blaming your WIFE for some head games old GF's played on you 7 years ago is a major problem.  

I don't see her nagging.  I do see you complaining about that but she's not the problem.  Your withholding is the problem.  So start talking to your wife or kiss her goodbye.  

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, TeeDee said:

How do I make you understand that there is a HUGE problem in your marriage? 

I complain that my husband is stoic & doesn't talk to me but he's a regular chatty cathy compared to you. 

You had a near death experience but didn't tell her about it.  Instead you glossed over it -- in essence LIED right to her face -- and told her everything was wonderful & you had a great day at work.   WTH?  By not sharing the truth about your day you are communicating that she's not important enough to share details with.  You are shutting her out.  

The idea that you have shut down & worry that your wife is manipulating you shows that there are real cracks in the foundation of your marriage.  If you don't have trust, what do you have?  The fact that you are still blaming your WIFE for some head games old GF's played on you 7 years ago is a major problem.  

I don't see her nagging.  I do see you complaining about that but she's not the problem.  Your withholding is the problem.  So start talking to your wife or kiss her goodbye.  

Exactly . No trust and blaming someone for someone else’s actions = no marriage . She isn’t the issue . 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Jacod999 said:

That's why I keep my guards up. Those things happened to me in my past relationships. Women telling me that I should be more open and then when we would have bad arguments, those same vulnerabilities would be used to mock and throw jabs at me so I stay guarded to not give my wife ammos. 

^^Given how guarded you are with your emotions, how were you able to pursue your wife, fall in love with her, express to her that you loved her.... enough that you wanted to spend your life with her in marriage?

This required you to be vulnerable however since you fear being vulnerable and your guard is always up....

I dunno there's a disconnect between those two things. Can you clarify?

At what point in your marriage did you decide to become stoic and non-emotional?

To me what's happening is she sounds bored.    There's no passion from you, no fire, NO emotion. 

Some guys believe women need drama, but that's NOT it.

We need emotion (from you), and we need to feel our emotions with you in order to feel and remain connected.

You being so stoic and non-emotional, she feels nothing, in her eyes she may as well be dead. 

It's sad so many men (not all thankfully) get this wrong.  

Learn BALANCE between being stoic (when necessary) and emotional (when necessary).

Otherwise, YAWN.  

 

 

[tattoobunnie]

Without the sadness, there is no joy. Without being able to show who you truly are, warts and all, can you ever be free; can you ever expect someone to love you when you hide half of yourself?  A marriage is a partnership - she doesn't want a robot - she wants to be with a human.

There is nothing wrong with leaning on each other and seeking comfort in one another. I highly recommend couples counseling to give you the tools in how to connect with each other, emotionally, which will also drastically changed how you are together physically.

Your ex is an ex for a reason - screw her!  But, you need to deal with your baggage.

[SophiaG]

2 hours ago, Jacod999 said:

I don't have an attitude. I do talk politely to my wife. 

Your attitude shines through your "women do this" "women do that" statements.

6 hours ago, Jacod999 said:

I am body builder so it's important to always appear strong and hardcore in front of my woman to impress her but she wants me to be weak.

This makes no sense at all. You are not an almighty god. You are human and humans have vulnerabilities which doesn't make them any weaker than the next human being.

If I had a close call on the road I'd call my SO at the first chance and he would too. I don't see that as him being weak at all. I see it as him seeing me as a very important person in his life and someone he can open up to. We thrive on sharing emotions and feelings and leaning on each other when needed. I can't imagine living 7 years with someone who's incapable of being vulnerable and just gives the automatic response he's had a wonderful day everyday. I feel for your wife.

[Coily]

This is one of those topics where the division between the sexes is on full display.

I don't see the OP being closed about his emotions as him lying or denying his wife. perhaps, he is not finding good ways to connect with his wife's need for emotional validation; but this doesn't make him wrong for wanting to be cautious.

How many times have we read over sharing causing problems in relationships? Fairly often. I would encourage the OP to be increasingly tender, but only to the level of his comfort. The drunk driver incident is a good example, if his wife were prone to worry and anxious behavior; why should he cause her emotional distress when he processed it and moved on?

I'm more curious why after 7 years has this become a problem in the relationship? has it been a background problem and hit a crisis, or is there something else going on and this is a flash point?

 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Coily said:

This is one of those topics where the division between the sexes is on full display.

I don't see the OP being closed about his emotions as him lying or denying his wife. perhaps, he is not finding good ways to connect with his wife's need for emotional validation; but this doesn't make him wrong for wanting to be cautious.

How many times have we read over sharing causing problems in relationships? Fairly often. I would encourage the OP to be increasingly tender, but only to the level of his comfort. The drunk driver incident is a good example, if his wife were prone to worry and anxious behavior; why should he cause her emotional distress when he processed it and moved on?

I'm more curious why after 7 years has this become a problem in the relationship? has it been a background problem and hit a crisis, or is there something else going on and this is a flash point?

 

I'm concerned about his reasons for being guarded he explained in his posts.  Not because of his gender.

[Coily]

Just now, Batya33 said:

I'm concerned about his reasons for being guarded he explained in his posts.  Not because of his gender.

I'm more worried about his "logical conversations."

In my experience as a man, and that of my friends (still married, never married, and divorced);  there are a lot of moments in arguments that something we were very vulnerable about get weaponized by the women we love(d). Those moments are very scarring and even a heat of the moment quip can permanently destroy an otherwise fine relationship. it is a very real fear that most men have; whether it's right is a different topic; but an irrational fear none the less.

That said, I would encourage the OP to explore the romantic side of himself. To do things that are tender and caring, not logical  and businesslike. He needs to find good ways that he can connect tenderly with his, that he doesn't fear can be turned against him.

As you wisely say, people move away from pain.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

perhaps, he is not finding good ways to connect with his wife's need for emotional validation; but this doesn't make him wrong for wanting to be cautious.

^^This has nothing to do with a woman (his wife) needing emotional "validation" I am so tired of this argument from some men.

Women (his wife) need to feel "connected" emotionally in order to maintain attraction.  And that attraction (mentally and emotionally) has very little to do with being a body builder or in great physical shape as OP mistakenly believes.

The OP from what I read is NOT being "cautious," he is completely shut down emotionally, he gives nothing, he remains stoic and guarded, he admitted it!

Which has it's place in being a provider for the family and in a crisis situation.

But when it comes to romantic involvement, expressing emotions (not just loving but ALL emotion, both negative AND positive) and giving and receiving love, it misses the boat.

And when it happens, a woman will begin shutting down herself.

Which is what I think happened here. 

[Coily]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

^^This has nothing to do with a woman needing emotional "validation" I am so tired of this argument from some men.

Women need to feel "connected" emotionally in order to maintain attraction.  And that attraction (mentally and emotionally) has very little to do with being a body builder or in great physical shape as OP mistakenly believes.

The OP is completely shut down emotionally, he gives nothing, he remains stoic which has it's place in being a provider for the family and in a crisis situation.

But when it cones to romantic involvement, expressing emotions (not just loving but ALL emotion, both negative AND positive) and giving and receiving  love, it misses the boat.

And when it happens, a woman will begin shutting down herself. Which is what I think happened here. 

Did I say women? No. I said HIS wife.