Heartbroken

[Emmy321]

Hello, so my boyfriend  broke up with me a over the weekend . we have  been in a relationship since April but since mid July  he's had a lot stress in his life.  His mom and brother have a lot of health issues and his bother is currently in the hospital. He has an  extra job to pay for  his bother PCA's to stay at the hospitals while he works, he works a a lot  and on top of that he has been fighting his with main job because they screwed up on his leave pay so he's been dealing with that stress... Over the this past weekend he told be that  he wants to break because he has a lot stress  and I make it worse by grilling  him  with questions general  things in his life. It wasn't my intention  to add to his stress i wasn't trying to make worse  at all.     I don't know what to do  about this  because i really love him and he said he loved me too.  we talked about spending the rest of our lives together and  when his families health improved,  we had discussed me meeting them and him meeting mine.  I don't want to lose  him forever but I think I might have.. Other then the stress  in his life, we have a good relationship. He has not said to not contact him and hasn't blocked my number,  do I have any hope of him coming back.  the other issue is we work together but in different departments and when he finally come back to work from being  on leave. i am afraid of how it will be between us,  if he doesn't come back to me before I see him at work again,  I don't know how to handle that.   I could use anyone's thoughts on this, please Help. i am stressing over this myself.

[Emmy321]

Is there anyone out there that has  a thought  or an opinion or any advice. 

[ShySoul]

Hey. Forum usually slows down around this time, but you should hopefully be able to hear from more people in a few hours.

If he is going through that much stress, his mind probably isn't in the right space to handle a relationship. Even though you mean well, asking questions might just remind him of all the stuff he is going through. He probably needs a break and wants to forget about things for a bit. But having to answer your questions means he never gets that break. It's not that he doesn't care about you or that you are doing something wrong. It's just one thing to many for him to handle at this time.

What he needs is a friend. When you see or talk to him, just let him know you are there for him if he needs anything and that you care about him. Tell him you understand and respect his decision, but that you would still like to be friends. If you both feel okay with it, try doing something fun together without the added layers of a relationship. Don't bring up anything else. Just be in the moment with whatever activity you choose. Give both of you a chance to set aside all the drama of life and just have fun.

And try to relax yourself. He hasn't said he doesn't want to be with you or doesn't like you. He didn't end things forever. Anything can still happen. You may get back together, you may not. You can't control what happens in the future. All you can do is focus on the present. And right now, trying to get along as friends would probably make both of you feel better.

[MissCanuck]

He can't offer you the relationship you are seeking right now, OP. 

It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It simply means he has far too much going on to be present as your partner. I would give him the space he needs now. Focus on healing and taking care of yourself. This may come back together again once his life has stabilized, but it's best that you don't hedge any bets on that for the moment.

You will feel okay again. Take it a day at a time for now. 

[Emmy321]

Thank you. I am trying to relax but giving him space and waiting is really hard.  I did forget mention that he did  say he wanted me to move on, which  kind of  sounds like forever and he also said we were done.  unless its just his state of mind right now like you mentioned.  I mean if he loves me how can he say that he wants to me to move on. Hearing those words is what really worries me. I keep asking  myself  does he really  mean that  

[Emmy321]

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

He can't offer you the relationship you are seeking right now, OP. 

It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It simply means he has far too much going on to be present as your partner. I would give him the space he needs now. Focus on healing and taking care of yourself. This may come back together again once his life has stabilized, but it's best that you don't hedge any bets on that for the moment.

You will feel okay again. Take it a day at a time for now. 

thank you, Yes i am going to give him all the space needs right now. its only  been two days  and I miss him so much already.  I don't  want to think of future without him it in.  I guess only time will tell. 

[ShySoul]

It's natural to worry and want to dissect every word. That's a good way to drive you crazy. Believe me, I've been there.

The future will attend to itself. There is no telling what will happen. All you know is that right now he isn't ready for a relationship. 

Saying to move on might mean that he loves you enough to want you to be happy and have something special in your life, something he doesn't feel he can provide right now. He doesn't want you holding onto him if it would hurt you.

You don't have to do anything right now. The wound is still fresh. It's going to take time to sort out your feelings and figure out what is best for you. Just listen to your heart. If you still care and don't want to lose hope, then don't. If believing things can work out helps you get through the day, that's fine. You will feel the whole range of emotions and reactions. Take the time to feel them. 

Respect what he is asking for while leaving the door open to at least being friends. Then focus on doing what feels right for you. 

Hang in there. It's rough, but you'll be okay.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Emmy321 said:

I make it worse by grilling  him  with questions general  things in his life.

Can you clarify what this entailed, exactly? 

What kinds of questions were you asking him, and how often? 

[Emmy321]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Can you clarify what this entailed, exactly? 

What kinds of questions were you asking him, and how often? 

So he has  a thing about being asked back to back questions at once.  Money has been tight since his work screwed up on is pay while on leave so he's been waiting waiting for them to fix it as been stressful  for him. one example:   i had asked if he had called his sister to ask if she could help and then I asked what she said ..and then I asked if he had enough money,  if someone else could.  So it was being grilled like that added more stress.  I was tying to make sure he was ok, but it wasn't helping.   that's when he said that it’s best to break up so he could figure stuff out.  

[Emmy321]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Can you clarify what this entailed, exactly? 

What kinds of questions were you asking him, and how often? 

He’s also not very good at communicating his feelings and needs.   .  So I have to ask.  So I would know.   But sometimes I get carried way with questions without realizing it.    

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Emmy321 said:

But sometimes I get carried way with questions without realizing it.    

Try not to beat yourself up about this. 

It might have come out at that moment when he felt under pressure with your questions, but I think a break-up was likely coming anyway. He just isn't in the right headspace now to have a relationship. 

[Emmy321]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Try not to beat yourself up about this. 

It might have come out at that moment when he felt under pressure with your questions, but I think a break-up was likely coming anyway. He just isn't in the right headspace now to have a relationship. 

that honestly stresses me out.  I have asked before if he wanted put us on hold   for while  when he was going through some of the health scares with his fam ,  He said No, he said he could handle it so we kept  seeing each other and this health scare has been the worst one and then  the added  pressure of the other things.... I wish had just done something different,,, been more mindful.    I am so worried he  may  not come back now. When it all calms down   .....  thank you for all your input.. 

[rainbowsandroses]

17 minutes ago, Emmy321 said:

I wish had just done something different,,, been more mindful.    I am so worried he  may  not come back now. When it all calms down.

I'm so sorry Emmy, but please try and not beat yourself up too much about this.

As hard as it is, go no contact and give him plenty of space.

Perhaps in time, when the dust settles, he will feel your absence in his life, miss it, miss you and want to try again.

It's been known to happen but you must leave him be, for him and for you.

If he doesn't come back, then the space will have allowed you to detach a bit making it easier to move on.

It's hard to say either way but again leave him be and whatever is meant to be, will be.

I truly believe that..  💛

 

 

[Emmy321]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm so sorry Emmy, but please try and not beat yourself up too much about this.

As hard as it is, go no contact and give him plenty of space.

Perhaps in time, when the dust settles, he will feel your absence in his life, miss it, miss you and want to try again.

It's been known to happen but you must leave him be, for him and for you.

If he doesn't come back, then the space will have allowed you to detach a bit making it easier to move on.

It's hard to say either way but again leave him be and whatever is meant to be, will be.

I truly believe that..  💛

 

 

Thank you so much.. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, Emmy321 said:

Thank you so much.. 

Happy to help Emmy.  

((Hugs)) and hang in.  

[TeeDee]

The fact that he interpreted the questions you asked because you cared & wanted to help as you grilling him does not bode well for your future.  Even in the unlikely event that you clear this hurdle & he comes back after his brother is discharged from the hospital, do you really want a lifetime of having to drag basic information out of your partner?  

I understand that you love him but love isn't always enough. 

You may have to chalk this up to one of those things & bad timing but by the time things calm down for him you both may be in different places & on different paths. 

My advice:  do take some time to mourn the loss but make some plans with your friends & make sure you have a fun New Years Eve planned. 

[Emmy321]

2 hours ago, TeeDee said:

do you really want a lifetime of having to drag basic information out of your partner?  

 I think drag is a little strong. It hasn't always been that difficult to talk to him.   its just these past 2 months that have really taken a toll on him. 

[MissCanuck]

On 12/3/2024 at 10:37 PM, Emmy321 said:

I wish had just done something different,,, been more mindful.

Again, I don't think it would have made much difference. 

I believe he was still going to end it, regardless of how you responded to his increasing stress. The problem wasn't you. It was his life circumstances and external stressors. 

I know it's hard not to personalize it but I really don't think anything you could have said or done would have changed the end result here. 

[Andrina]

On 12/2/2024 at 11:08 PM, Emmy321 said:

His mom and brother have a lot of health issues and his bother is currently in the hospital. He has an  extra job to pay for  his bother PCA's to stay at the hospitals while he works, he works a a lot

Often, women by nature are nurturers. That's well and good as long as you don't regularly put your own needs last to everyone else. Doesn't sound like this is even a temporary stressor for him. Why would his family members numerous health problems just disappear?

He can't possibly have a sufficient amount of time and emotional capacity to give you what you need. Maybe he eeked all that out for you in the very beginning, because people can go above and beyond with the adrenalin highs of a new relationship, but after the honeymoon period, reality pops the fantasy bubble. I've been there, staying too long in a relationship because I was hoping it'd go back to the happy beginnings. I should've realized that was a pipe dream.

He's actually doing you a favor, though it doesn't feel like it to you. When you once again see him at work, just treat him with the same kindness and respect you do with any other co-worker. But don't engage in long conversations, and I'd probably also avoid questioning him about the well-being of his family. You never met them and as you said, questions raise his stress level.

I hope you have a fulfilling life besides dating. If not, that's something you can work on. New year, new possibilities.

[smackie9]

IMO in a health relationship, you are able to lean on each other, and support each other during tough times. He's pushing you away for more than just stress. 

[Coily]

On 12/2/2024 at 11:08 PM, Emmy321 said:

Over the this past weekend he told be that  he wants to break because he has a lot stress  and I make it worse by grilling  him  with questions general  things in his life. It wasn't my intention  to add to his stress i wasn't trying to make worse  at all. 

I get where he's coming from with the barrage of well meaning questions; for some it's rather overwhelming to process major stressors in a way that expresses events in a clear way to the questioner. This can cause stress and avoidance of conversations in some people. BUT you didn't do wrong in asking, just wasn't the right time for him to want to answer.

There's a cliche "if you love them, let them go." Which is the lens I'd encourage you to look at this situation at.

[LotusBlack]

Hi Emmy,

I’m sorry for the heartache you’re going through right now. I’m going to say something you aren’t going to want to hear and will wish to ignore due to your current feelings, but, the right person for you will want to lean on you in tough times. A relationship shouldn’t be a stressor when life is challenging, but, rather, the boat that helps hold one afloat when waters are chaotic and rough.

As MissCanuck said above, I really don’t think he would have stayed in the relationship had his family’s health issues and his salary situations not existed. I don’t feel that either of you have done anything wrong, but, rather, you are not compatible as a couple. You were together long enough to for a partner to want to lean on you for comfort and support, but not so long that he should have been sick of the relationship (meaning, many people are still in the honeymoon phase at this time). As such, I really just feel you are not the right people for each other.

Whilst I do agree that your ex isn’t in the right mental/emotional place to be in a relationship right now, I don’t get the sense that him realising that is what made him end it. I think he realised you aren’t the right people for each other and was clear about wanting you to move on.

I know it can be hard. I am someone who, when I enter a relationship, aims for forever and I give it everything I can. I’ve had two deep loves (on my part) and had both men walk away from me. One had asked me to relocate to his country with him and, with all his love and commitment, asked if he could keep me forever. I gave him my forever and 2 months later, he ended things and it left me utterly devastated. The second love was my now ex-husband. He actually did promise me forever when we exchanged vows. Months, and a child, later, I no longer fit into that future, nor did our son. I was left, once again, shattered, with a child, and facing a future as a single parent and having to relocate back to a country I had vowed never to live in again.

These relationships were hard to move past. But one does because they must. and so shall you too. What seems so painful that you want to avoid experiencing it at all (the break-up), is just a part of your journey that will lead you where you need to go. Delaying is just that, delaying. It doesn’t reverse things, doesn’t change the outcome, it just kicks the can down the road. He let you go because you and he are not each other’s person. Focus on doing what you can to heal from it and move forward. Be open and available for when the right person does come along.

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, Andrina said:

He's actually doing you a favor, though it doesn't feel like it to you.

Yes, he's showing you how he handles life's tough stresses. Whether this means he pushes people away, or the timing and newness with you just had him feeling like he's operating in front of an audience--his method of needing to nix accountability to a partner speaks more about him than about you. This isn't 'wrong' for him, it's just what he needs right now. So, I agree with Andrina's suggestion not to fear his return to work. Just treat him as kindly as you would anyone else, but don't ask about his family unless he raises it with you.

37 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

the right person for you will want to lean on you in tough times.

Yes, exactly. The guy screened himself out of your dating pool, but that only means he isn't the right match for you. Don't you envision your future with a man who can view you as part of a team rather than reacting with a need to go solo when life throws him challenges?

You are not 'wrong' for your behavior, so keep being YOU. Keep seeking someone who is right for Who You Are. This guy is not him. While that's disappointing, it moves you one step closer to finding the right match for you. Just keep being yourself--you are unique, you are valuable, and you deserve a man with the right vision to appreciate you. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Hi Emmy, I feel a bit different from others re asking questions.  Both me asking him and him asking me. 

In my dating experiences and relationships, I rarely if ever ask questions that relate to his "feelings."

I would ask how his day went or something generic like that and would then wait for him to respond.  He will either choose to be truthful and forthcoming or he won't.   

Me continuing to ask certainly is NOT going to inspire him to want to share, that's for darn sure.  Again my experience.

The type of questions you asked him and continued to ask him to which my guess would be he felt "pressured" to answer, NO I would not. 

Why?

Because what I have learned is that a man will open up to you emotionally only inasmuch as HE wants to, on his own, without any pushing or prodding from you (which is how HE views it).

That doesn't mean I am cold, I am very warm and *I* open up to him which in turn makes it easier for him to open up to me with again NO pressure from me, it's all very natural and organic. 

In time he does, sometimes sooner rather than later but it's on his terms when HE is ready and feels comfortable opening up.

In the meantime, I am accepting and caring and will continue opening up to him.

My willingness to be forthcoming and open is determined by how well we "vibe together and how responsive he is to it.

Again it's all very natural and organic, it's not anything I even have to think about or become uncertain about. 

IF after some time, he is still emotionally closed and it bothers me or I feel he's shutting me out, I will stop dating him or strongly consider it. 

In short, I simply observe and continue being me, warm, open and caring. 

Same for him asking me a bunch of questions, personally I dislike it, feel pressured by it; I much prefer us getting to know each other naturally with each of us opening up in our own time when we're each ready.

In your situation with all the questions you were asking, jmo but it very much sounds like he felt pressured which added to the stress he was already feeling. 

This can push people (him) further away and cause him to become even more emotionally closed off than he was to begin with!

This goes for long term relationships also imo and experience.

I hope @catfeederdoesn't mind but read her signature line.  I think it applies here. 

Learn to back off and when to leave him alone when necessary.

Trust that HE as a man will figure things out, on his I own.  When/if he does be supportive and caring. 

i understand doing so will make you feel uncertain and anxious but it's absolutely necessary imo to avoid this happening in your next relationship.

Learn ways to manage that uncertainty and anxiety on your own 

Trust me, HE or any boyfriend will appreciate it! 💛

 

[Emmy321]

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Yes, exactly. The guy screened himself out of your dating pool, but that only means he isn't the right match for you.

How exactly did he screen himself out of my dating pool. Are you saying all of the stuff he is  going through is a lie just to get out of the relationship with me.. or that  he made up this thing  about being  stress and said i  made it worse as an excuse.  I may not be at his bothers bed side  seeing it with it my own eyes with him because  his mom is a very private  about what is going to on with His bother (even though he has told me about his bothers health} because i have not met them yet and I don't  see anything wrong with that but I know  he is an honest guy. I have known him long time.   When things started to get tough for him he has screen shotted things and facetimed me, shown me text messages ,  so i would know that  when we had time a part  that it was  because   of what was going on with him in his life and  not because was seeing someone else behind  my back and cheating on me or lying to just to get out of my dating pool...or stringing me  along  until something better came along ......and believe me I have had my share of guys actually doing this to me.