Confusion and reconnection

[User8987]

Good evening,

I’m currently working with an excellent psychologist who has been really helpful, but I’ve decided to write here to talk things through. I’m not looking for solutions; it’s more about seeking clarity, maybe a way to explore feelings and experiences that I can’t fully define.

My (ex) girlfriend and I, both in our early twenties, broke up at the beginning of September, definitively, after three and a half years together. It was a difficult breakup because, even though I knew there were cracks, I thought we’d find a way to move forward together. She, however, said she no longer had feelings for me.

Our relationship was always intense and deep (the first and only one for both of us), but also full of external challenges (a significant loss for her). Over time, though, we started living our relationship more as a routine, without much passion, not the way two people in their twenties ideally should. She’s an insecure person, and this side of her character became very evident during our second year together. She was going through a tough time mentally, often feeling neglected by me. She accused me of not giving her enough attention and sometimes of being attracted to other girls (which wasn’t true), becoming controlling towards me. I realize that at times I may have been lacking in understanding her problems, and I tried to improve, but her insecurities often led to conflicts and tension.

 

After the breakup, we started to reconnect. At the end of September/beginning of October, we began talking again and meeting up. The second time we met, she confessed to having been with someone else after the breakup. She explained that it was a mistake, the result of her confusion, and that she wasn’t really interested in the guy. It was just a reaction to the inner chaos she was experiencing, a consequence of the breakup, not the cause of it, but I’m struggling to get rid of a thousand doubts in my head.

This confession hit me hard. I took a few days to reflect, trying to process what it meant for me, and eventually decided to let it go, not making it a reason to end the reconciliation. I chose to look forward, believing our bond deserved another chance.

In the days that followed, we began seeing each other more often. There was a sense of complicity between us, almost like a “new beginning.” Spending time together was wonderful; it seemed to bring us back to the best moments of our relationship. Despite the strong connection she still felt for me, I began to feel that I was the one doing everything to rebuild the relationship. It felt as though I was chasing, while she held back.

Until just a few days ago, we were still seeing each other, enjoying each other’s company, but beneath the surface, there were still many doubts, especially on her part. When I tried to raise the bar on the topic of my jealousy, she would retreat into herself and become distant and cold.

She said she still had feelings for me, that we’re great when we’re together, but that everything that had happened so quickly had taken away her self-awareness. She mentioned the thing with the other guy, saying it wasn’t emotional, but that it created even more chaos because it wasn’t something she expected to do, yet she did it.

She also told me she was afraid of becoming emotionally dependent on me again, a dynamic that in the past had made her feel insecure and develop a need to control me. This fear seems to block her, despite the strong connection she still feels for me.

She was torn between the fear of losing me and the fear of not making the right choice. She felt guilty, saying I “deserve better,” and even though it was clear she cared about me, her doubts were always present.

Last night, all of these feelings came to the surface. She said she needed time to truly understand herself and what she wants. I, seeing her so “stuck” and struggling, suggested we take a break, even though I thought she wanted to end things “for good,” as all her words pointed in that direction. 

It was a very emotional moment, during which we hugged, kissed, and let ourselves be carried away by our feelings. But in the end, we agreed on a break: one month of no contact, to give us both the space to reflect.

Even though my therapist is helping me manage these emotions, I can’t help but ask myself some questions. I am doing everything to keep her, I often feel like I’m the one chasing, the one trying to make things work, while she stays blocked by her insecurities. It’s also true that she would ask to meet, she was proactive, and the time we spent together was clearly enjoyable for both of us.

Moreover, I can’t get rid of a thought: during this break, I’m really afraid she’ll see this other person again. Even though we agreed not to see anyone else, it’s a thought that haunts me, and I know that if it happens, it would destroy any chance of reconciliation, even in the future.

I don’t see myself as an insecure guy, and I don’t feel in competition with him, but I’m afraid of seeing her in another’s arms.

I feel the need to bring her happiness because she isn’t happy. She felt like no one believed in her, maybe because she’s the first to not believe in herself, and this led her to live these last years with dissatisfaction. But I swear to God, I truly believed in her. She never opened up about her past or childhood, she was very closed off, and she tends to avoid problems rather than facing them head-on. At the same time, she is aware of what we’ve been through and says that she needed my approval to do everything. She says she doesn’t want to feel those emotions anymore because they made her feel disconnected from herself. Essentially, it seems like the weight she felt in September, before the break up, is coming back, but if that’s the case, why accept a break where we agreed on a specific day and specific time to write to each other (almost a “romantic” thing)?

And the “support” from those close to me doesn’t exist because they can’t see things from my perspective and end up making the situation more complicated, maybe to protect me. They portray me as the victim, but I don’t want to be a victim, and I don’t want to paint her as a “villain” because, despite everything, I don’t feel that way, at least I hope not.

Am I just delaying the inevitable with this month-long break? I still believe in it, and maybe I always will.

I just want to tell her again that I miss what we had, I miss sharing the old moments, but also the “new” ones, even up until a week ago in this phase of uncertainty, but still together.

Sorry for the length and any possible confusion, but English is not my first language.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're hurting.  I would move on.  Your ex is relying on word salad - just fancy words for basic stuff -the basics are - she wasn't that into you anymore, and after the breakup she was excited to meet someone she wanted to have sex with so she did.  Now she is happy enough to hang out and hook up with you, she is flattered by your chasing her but she is not into you enough to get back together so she tells you these fancy excuses (and maybe lies to herself too) about "self awareness" and "chaos" and disconnection.  Blah blah blah.  People in general move towards pleasure and away from pain.  If she wanted to be with you badly she'd have already committed to you and told you why this time she believed it would be different and she likely wouldn't have shared that she had sex with someone because she didn't cheat -nothing to confess. She told you to keep you at arms length, to make sure you knew she was still keeping options open. 

It's not healthy. Your insecurity is normal because she is not telling you she wants to be with you and only you.

I married my ex fiancee and we got back together years after we broke up.  It would not have worked if either of us had been unsure, it would not have worked if we tried some loose middle ground of hanging out and hooking up and not re-committing to each other.  Just my opinion and I think you'll feel much better in every way if you cut her loose.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Your ex is relying on word salad - just fancy words for basic stuff -

At first I was hesitant to agree with this^ - the word salad - because I don't believe things are always so black and white, and that some people do have inner complexities that cause them to get close then push people away.  

However... 

I am inclined to believe it here! (i.e. the word salad).  And believe Batya33's assessment was pretty much right on in this situation.

5 hours ago, User8987 said:

She said she still had feelings for me, that we’re great when we’re together, but that everything that had happened so quickly had taken away her self-awareness. She mentioned the thing with the other guy, saying it wasn’t emotional, but that it created even more chaos because it wasn’t something she expected to do, yet she did it.

^So to sum this up, she broke up with you after 3.5 years as, according to her, she lost feelings for you?  

Come to find she hooked up with another guy immediately thereafter but then apparently she missed you (or the guy dumped her), reached out to you, you reconnected, and now suddenly her feelings are too intense, she needs to find herself or whatever and she wants OUT again? 

Unless I missed something this is what it sounds like to me.

I realize you love her so this is going to be very difficult to understand and accept, but dude she's playing you for a chump, IOW stringing you along.

If I had to render a guess, the other guy is back in the picture, and as such once again you're OUT giving you the same song and dance as she did the first time she wanted out.

Please... think more highly of yourself and don't allow yourself to get jerked around like this.  You're out, you're in, you're out...  its exhausting!

I'm really sorry OP l wish I could be more positive.

And of course jmo.

 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

the word salad - because I don't believe things are always so black and white, and that some people do have inner complexities that cause them to get close then push them away.  

However... 

I am inclined to believe it here!   And believe Batya33's assessment is pretty much right on in this situation.

I don't either. I was responding to this specific situation and particularly her decision to share that she had sex with someone after the break up. Just wanted to clarify it's not my generalized go to response.

I think there are many people who are complex and self-sabotage -push people away, do something so they'll be broken up with - and those who are well-intentioned won't burden the other person with it and will simply tell their loving partner "look I'm going through stuff, and feeling conflicted and I want you to live your life and not walk on eggshells so let's take space or let's break up." Honestly I did some of the word salad crap when I had doubts about my lovely long term boyfriend (not the man I married) and wanted reassurance from him that we were right together. I so wish I hadn't shared all that with him - not his job to be my therapist or help with internal doubts. Obviously different if the doubts were based on his actions or inactions - then of course -but when you're wrangling with the complexities "I love him/I love him not" and "why am I feeling this way??/ to me it's unfair to burden one's partner with that.

If I could do it all over again I'd have not done the back and forth thing with that boyfriend -obviously he took me back as well -it takes two - but I should have set him free far before I did.  Luckily he met his future wife later on and  they've presumably been hapily married for years.  I hope the same for you, OP.

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Get out and get away now

[MissCanuck]

I don't think this is anywhere near as complicated as she's trying to make it out to be, OP. 

I see a young lady who outgrew your relationship, and realized there are other guys out there who would be interested in her. And now, she is giving you all kinds of psycho-babble to mask her indecision about getting back together when she doesn't really feel the same way anymore but you're a more sure bet - or continuing to live as a single woman and see what else is out there. 

You are likely to end up very hurt if you continue. I would use this space away from her to reflect on why you so badly want to hang on to someone who isn't that into you anymore. Yes, it's easy to say when we're objective observers, but many of us speak from experience. These on-off relationships don't typically end very well. 

[User8987]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Thank you all for your analyses, which I truly appreciate because they don’t come across as generalistic or dismissive.

As for the point you raised, she told me that she decided to share what happened with the other person to allow me to make a conscious choice about how to proceed.

 

Of course, it’s difficult to fully explain someone’s personality and behavior in a single message, and it’s not entirely fair to try. However, I can say that this pattern of emotional “in and out” has been present since the very beginning of our relationship. Unfortunately, due to personal struggles, she’s never been a particularly confident person during our time together. That said, I can assure you she has given me a lot of love, and there was always mutual trust between us. Even during the relationship, she was open about things that might bother me, and I always did the same with her.

 

From my perspective, I haven’t noticed a significant change in her behavior—neither at the start of the relationship, nor in the middle, nor now. She wasn’t a particularly confident person before we got together, and that hasn’t really changed. So I don’t see this current insecurity as something driven by the presence of a third person. These are dynamics that have been repeating themselves for over three years and a half, and they’ve always followed a similar pattern.

 

She has genuinely been through a tough time emotionally (including dealing with a significant loss that she struggled with deeply, as well as severe insecurities that led to eating issues, which started to affect her strength and overall quality of life)

She seems to feel trapped within herself, and I understand that from the outside, it might look like she’s simply keeping me around and stringing me along. It’s hard for me to see it that way, though, because after such an intense relationship—and even this post-breakup phase, which has also been intense—it’s difficult to believe she’d treat me so superficially.

 

I don’t know, though. Maybe we’re just too young, and it’s time to let go because I’m starting to feel really confused as well. It’s hard, but I don’t want us to get back together only to face major trust issues, which I was already beginning to feel during the post-breakup phase.

 

Also, maybe I rushed things. I’m not taking all the blame, but I did push a lot, and the truth is, it wasn’t her who reached out to me—it was me who decided to reconnect and try to win her back. Yes, it was something we both participated in, but it was mostly driven by me, as I got it into my head that I needed to try again.

 

Anyway, I don’t know. A part of me will probably always hold on to hope for her.
Based on your experience, though, do you think it’s better for me to step away for now, focus on putting myself back together, and see if there’s still a connection between us in the future, despite everything that may happen in the meantime?

 

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, User8987 said:

 

Thanks! Yes I would move on and I wouldn't buy her excuse - you two were broken up and unless she needed to tell you she got an STD and may have given it to you or was now pregnant why share with you what she did as a single person? Was the intensity more about the back and forth drama of breaking up or the challenge of that?

I think she had made a choice of either moving on or deciding not to make a choice -to just be in this limbo where she could hook up with you and hang out in a couple way without the commitment. So this way she could unburden her guilt and tell you - look you're dealing with a person who decided to have sex in response to feeling inner chaos -and now you're forewarned that this could happen again -maybe even when we're not broken up" She did not cheat, and partly sure maybe she told you for your "benefit" but I think the main reason was for her benefit.

I'm sorry she's gone through tough times.  That's often a make or break moment.  Some couples weather the storm some don't. My mom and dad were married for 62 years and he was bipolar. I don't know how she did it but their combination somehow worked and not always the best but they loved each other and stayed together and my mom took care of him and kept him alive basically at times. Other couples thrive on drama "best part of breaking up is when you're making up" goes the old song.

She simply might not be available to commit to you right now given her inner volatility so yes I'd move on -at some point it doesn't matter why, does it? you two simply are no longer a match -and I'm sorry.

I married my ex fiancee years after we broke up.  I can tell you I am really really unsure we'd be together if when we'd broken up or when we were on this break back then for a month or so he'd told me something like this (our break back then was -we won't date anyone, we will see in a month where we are -where we were was time to end it for good - but neither of us dated, I didn't ask him and he didn't ask me and we  trusted each other).  One reason we were able to get back together is that our breakup was relatively smooth, just a lot of wedding undoing stuff - and no cheating or lies or betrayal.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I was responding to this specific situation and particularly her decision to share that she had sex with someone after the break up. Just wanted to clarify it's not my generalized go to response.

^^Yeah I got that and agreed with you.

11 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

However... 

I am inclined to believe it here! (i.e. the word salad).  And believe Batya33's assessment was pretty much right on in this situation.

Good luck OP.

[User8987]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Honestly, I appreciated the fact that she told me. I couldn’t have accepted it if things had gone well between us and this had come out later (because things always come out eventually), as it would have shattered my ability to trust. It’s true that what someone does when they’re single doesn’t matter, but it’s fair to be honest about it. I wouldn’t want to date a new girl and not know if she’s someone who’s had many relationships in the past—I need to know, because it’s part of trust in my perspective. She’s known me for years, and telling me was a way for her to unload the weight and also allow me to make an informed choice. I honestly appreciated it, especially since she told me shortly after we reconnected (we had only met twice in a bar, and there hadn’t been intimacy beyond kissing yet).

 

Also, this person wasn’t a stranger; he was someone who’d been hitting on her for a long time, so it was only natural that she told me.

 

I know it might seem like she’s a toxic person, but she’s not. I’m not excusing her, and I understand that from the outside, it may seem like everything hinges on this third person. However, it’s an emotional pattern that has been repeating for her since before we even started our relationship over three and a half years ago. Nothing has really changed in that regard.

 

During these months, she has made an effort to rebuild my trust, keeping me informed about where she was going, always involving me in her life, and reassuring me, even though we weren’t officially a couple. There was, however, an implicit understanding of exclusivity.

 

But yes, I’m taking this month for myself, and if I don’t see a real change or at least a willingness to change, it will be better to end things. Who knows, maybe in the future, we could reconnect as more mature people and relive the strong emotions we shared over the years.

 

 

[User8987]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

  One reason we were able to get back together is that our breakup was relatively smooth, just a lot of wedding undoing stuff - and no cheating or lies or betrayal.

I repeat, I have no doubts that there were no betrayals, lies, or anything else during our relationship. She and I are an open book; if something was wrong, we could tell. Even with this guy, I knew who he was, and I knew he was trying. She always told me about it and showed it to me, perhaps to provoke jealousy in me, which sometimes I didn’t even feel anymore because I had become a bit complacent.

 

But we never disrespected each other. We always said everything, and there were never toxic periods in the relationship. The only difficult times were when she needed to control me and depended emotionally on me.

 

Even during the breakup in September, there was honesty, although it was difficult for her. We both probably realize that it’s not right anymore, even if the last few times in the post-breakup phase seemed to contradict that, because the time together was amazing. It’s as if the problems only arose when we were distant, both for me and for her. I want to make it clear that it’s not her keeping me in limbo; maybe I’m the one diving into it, thinking we can save “us.”

 

@Batya33: you got back with your ex and became husband and wife after years. Do you think those years apart were useful for what you are today? Do you think that this whole mess with my ex in 3 months is too short to see changes? Would establishing relationships with other girls in the future help me understand more? I’m not saying I want to live my life idealizing a return, but I do believe a little bit because it was our first love, and it was something amazing, I assure you. Even though sometimes it was difficult.

 

I also think that age is crucial: I am very sure and satisfied with my university life and also with what I do outside of it to improve professionally. On the other hand, she has been saying for 2 years that she feels stuck and lacks a sense of purpose, which has always frustrated her a lot.

[Batya33]

We both changed a lot in the almost 8 years apart in our 30s and in ways that complemented each other. I wanted to get back together after a month. He said no as it would be very romantic at first but then the issues would resurface. I think he was right. I wouldn’t date others in order to be ready for a potential reconciliation. I’d date others simply if you wish to and as part of living your life if your life includes dating and or a potential serious relationship. My husband and I each had LTRs while apart. I’m not sure what effect they had on our ability to try again. If anything. We spoke very little of those relationships. We each ended up meeting a few of the people we each dated and he is friendly with one he dated but was not serious with and I used to be close friends with her. 

I think you should move on  in the future anything can happen right? We stayed in very impersonal and occasional touch  a few emails a year  one quick catch up dinner over a year before we reconnected   That was a good thing overall as had we stayed in touch closely and been friends who shared about who we were dating that might have resulted in some negative feelings. This way we basically had a fresh start. We’ve been married 15 years!

I’m glad you’re thinking reasonably about this and with head and heart  I’m sorry you’re confused and troubled !  It’s hard 

 

[User8987]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I’m glad you’re thinking reasonably about this and with head and heart  I’m sorry you’re confused and troubled !  It’s hard

I’d like to take advantage of your kindness to ask for another piece of advice: do you think I should end things before this month with the specific date and time set for reaching out to each other (yes, I know it sounds silly and romantic in such a context, and I feel a bit foolish myself), or should I take this month as a way to clear my mind anyway, keeping in mind that whatever answer I get, I must move forward with strength? Even though I have this feeling that she might be the one to break this no-contact period.

[Jaunty]

If you're sure you're ready, go ahead and end it now.  Why wait for a month.  Especially if she is harboring hopes that you will be getting back together.   Which, incidentally, is not what I think - but sometimes holding onto something that seems reliable seems preferable than striking out on ones own.

[User8987]

17 hours ago, Jaunty said:

If you're sure you're ready, go ahead and end it now.  Why wait for a month. 

Because I’m not ready, and if I think I am, I’m lying to myself. Maybe my brain knows it’s the only way to do right by both of us and even save the possibility of a future together. But how can I do that when the last time we saw each other, we said goodbye kissing as if it were still the first time?

[Batya33]

23 hours ago, Jaunty said:

If you're sure you're ready, go ahead and end it now.  Why wait for a month.  Especially if she is harboring hopes that you will be getting back together.   Which, incidentally, is not what I think - but sometimes holding onto something that seems reliable seems preferable than striking out on ones own.

I agree.

[TeeDee]

On 12/2/2024 at 3:25 PM, User8987 said:

Am I just delaying the inevitable with this month-long break?

Yes.  Breaks are not helpful.  You fix what is wrong in a relationship by working together.  

Breaks are more like the other person wants to go try out being single or being with somebody else.  They only come back as a fall back position, settling for being with you because the grass wasn't greener.  

What I see from this on again off again, her not being sure is that she wants out but she's afraid of change & she doesn't want to hurt you.  She's engaging in magically thinking that she can end this but not cause you emotional pain.  Break ups don't work like that yet she can't accept her role. 

You are still hopeful but she's casting about for a way out without being the "bad guy."  Sorry.  

Whether you end it now or drag it out 'til the agreed upon time, it's still over.  Which of those will give you more peace?  On some level she wants you to end it so she can claim she was dumped & garner more sympathy.  

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. I can only speak from my own experience as the GF in this scenario who put a few good guys through this mess.

I was too damn young to commit to forever. That's what it all boiled down to. It didn't matter whether the guy took me for granted or delivered his best romantic self, I'd grow bored to the point of depression over the fact that this was all there would ever be for me. It made me feel old before my time. No more flirting, no more first dates, no more courting--no newness.

Selfish? Sure. It's the selfishness of someone who falls in love with the idea of romantic love, yet is not mature enough to be entirely in love with the person she's committing to. While I felt a certain kind of love, it felt like family or friendship to me.

For some mature people, that can be enough. But I was not mature, and it was not enough--I wanted romantic experiences in my future. So I lost myself in romance novels and started shutting down the real-world parts of myself that felt sexy and alive. Now and then, some guy would show an interest in me, and it would tap the part of me that wished to be enlivened again. It was never about that guy--it was about missing the excitement of the world outside of my premature commitment bubble.

While I don't believe that this GF is lying about her confusion in terms of not wanting to give up the loving companionship and sexual aspects of your relationship, at the same time, I'd wager that she's just not happy and in love enough to shut down her potential to seek and find and enjoy more experiences.

Unfortunately, she's done. She loves you to a degree, but it's not enough for her, and if she opts to commit herself to this being enough, she will play that out for a short while before she shuts down and becomes miserable again.

I'm so sorry. This is not your fault. It's not even necessarily her fault. It's just not the kind of romantic connection you believe it is, and she's not at the maturity level to appreciate what she has in you.

[Andrina]

Recent past behavior predicts future behavior. It was predictable that after she broke up with you once, that when the new high wore off, she'd do it again. You said you took her words as asking for that and in desperation, she suggested a break and not a breakup. The reason she said yes is that she's hoping for less drama from you--thinking with space that the slow fade will ensure less high drama.

You're now clinging to the other poster's situation that they eventually got back together. That worked for them, but there's no guarantee it will work for you so please don't put yourself on ice and retain a connection, hoping for that. You won't be able to have closure staying "friends" and checking in with one another.

With time and distance you might see things in a clearer light. You might even one day be thankful this happened because of meeting someone who is just as into you as you are with her. For now, pamper yourself. Hang out with guy friends. Continue concentrating on your studies. Perhaps join a new school club or start a new hobby. Take care.

[User8987]

9 hours ago, Andrina said:

You won't be able to have closure staying "friends" and checking in with one another.

She told me on the last night, while she was kissing me, that rather than being my friend, she’d rather be a stranger to me. She said we will never be friends, and I completely agree with her on this.

As for getting back together, I already know I can’t hold onto that idea because it doesn’t make sense. The only thing I know is that we were each other’s first love, and deep down, I feel that after the definitive closure—maybe even a long time after—it will probably be her who reaches out to me. But we’ll see if I’m still the same person then.

[MissCanuck]

Kindly, I think both of you are moving on from each other. 

First loves are special but they are rarely our last loves.