Lost

[10yrs wasted]

My partner of 10 years decided, out of the blue, two months ago that he didn’t feel the same way about me any more and that we were better off as friends. there’s been no event or argument that has triggered a change to his feelings, it’s just ‘happened’.
 

I’m so upset that he didn’t have the decency to talk to me, tell me how he was feeling and see if we could salvage our relationship. We didn’t live together so I still have my home but he consumed my whole life and now, I feel he’s moving on, I’m pretty positive he’s met someone already, and here I am, wondering where it all went wrong and feeling totally lost and confused. 

How can he do this and move on with someone else so soon whilst I’m reeling…

[ShySoul]

You have every right to be upset. Feelings build up over time, it doesn't just happen. The mature thing for him to do was to talk to about his feelings as he was noticing them changing. When you care for someone, he communicate and you work together. It may not have changed the end result, but it would have shown respect towards a partner of ten years and given things a sporting chance. I am sorry he did this to you.

Unfortunately, a lot of people seem to have the same view as he does. They believe it is more compassionate to just break up with a person when you don't carry the same feelings as before. They don't see the point in trying to make things work and coming together with the person they supposedly love. I saw it with my parents. Personally, I don't understand how you can do that to someone, let alone one you've loved for years.

From what I've seen, those who jump to another relationship so quickly aren't moving on. They are running from issues they have. They are hiding from the hurt/guilt they feel. They use the relationship as proof that they are better or a justification for leaving in the first place. But it's usually a mask, a facade to distract themselves from the emotions they don't want to face. It's easier to avoid what happened then it is to face it and own up to it. And given that he couldn't talk to you in the first place, I think this is likely for him.

It's okay to be hurt and upset. Take time to grieve the loss of the relationship. But know you will be better off in the long run. He revolved the kind of person he is, someone who would just run and not show you the proper respect. You will be better off without him and you will have better days and better love. These ten years weren't a waste. I'm sure you had many good times. I am sure you grew as a person. Take the positives from these ten years and hold onto them as nice memories. Then focus on yourself and what you need to feel happy and propel your own life forward.

And if you need anything or want to talk, I'm here for you. Sometimes just writting it all out and venting your emotions is a huge help. Please, feel free to let it out if you think it would help.

 

 

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, 10yrs wasted said:

but he consumed my whole life

What does this mean? Do you not have any close friends and family you spend time with? Do you not have hobbies you enjoy either solo or with a group? Was it his decision to not co-habit after all this time, or yours?

Nobody can get in another's head. He decided for whatever reason that you weren't his forever person. He no longer cared enough to reignite a missing spark or to ask for what he thought needed repairing. 

I wouldn't stay friends. It will prevent your closure and it will harm your eventual future success with another man.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. 

[shouldhavelearned]

That's crap

May you find happiness soon

[HeartGoesOn]

I agree with it's likely he's out test-driving, while looking for other options. I'm sure you must be devastated, but in time I'm sure you'll see this in a different light.

Also, he's not a good candidate to have as a friend, as a true friend would never walk away with no explanation as he did.

I'm sorry this happened, yet when all is said and done, you'll still land on your feet.

 

[SirJumpy]

Breaking up may have nothing to do with you.

Also doesn't mean he is looking for someone else. 

It may be all about him and his fears or insecurities.

Listen to your heart and do what will make up you feel better.

Take time and see how you feel. The two of you may be able to salvage something. Ten years is a lot of history to just ignore. Would be a shame to lose everything.

[misfiscoundrel]

It's not you some fail to realize a marriage or partnership is supposed to be worked through not ran away from. I'm no one to give advice but don't beat yourself up..you are worthy

[attlas]

"I'm pretty positive he's met someone else already"

Reading the rest of your post makes me pretty positive he'd already met someone else before he parted with you and did it the way he did because admitting that would have hurt you even more.  Perhaps I'm missing something here?  To me that seems so obvious I cannot understand why no one else has already has already suggested that.

[ShySoul]

23 minutes ago, attlas said:

"I'm pretty positive he's met someone else already"

Reading the rest of your post makes me pretty positive he'd already met someone else before he parted with you and did it the way he did because admitting that would have hurt you even more.  Perhaps I'm missing something here?  To me that seems so obvious I cannot understand why no one else has already has already suggested that.

It's possible. It's also possible it has nothing to do with another person. There is no way to tell.

And either way of telling still hurts. That way would be the pain of cheating. This way is the pain of not knowing. It's a coin flip as to which hurts more, but both feel like hell.

It also doesn't matter. Why he broke it off isn't as important as her feelings about it. What she needs to do is work on herself and focus on healing. She needs to find things to do to make herself feel better. She should go through the emotions and the process, really allowing herself to feel it. Then she needs to find the little things to make her feel positive and hopeful again, finding little joys in life to push her through the day.

@10yrs wasted Hope you are doing better. I'm still thinking of you and wishing you well. If you read this, let us know how you are.

[extrox]

10yrs wasted, first of all you have the right to be upset.

I can relate with your situation as my ex, after 12 yrs, also told me she was not feeling romantic things for me anymore. We, at least, had a final discussion and I could ear her reasons but, just like your ex, her feelings changes had started moths before the actual breakup and, just like in your situation, she never made a true effort to adress the issues. This made me conclude that she really didn't wanted to reignite whatever there was.

But it had a twist...she said she had strong feelings for me as a friend and proposed for us to be friends. I rejected. Then she wanted to stay with me in the same relationship, without addressing the issues. I rejected again. I told her that if ware were to be together I would try to solve my issues but the also should address hers. But probably because she thought that the problems were all mine, she said no.

Until today, although there were some very brief talks (birthdays, some of her things at my home, etc) we didn't met again. Also this Xmas we didn't spoke to each other. As a side note, we are neighbours, we live in the same apartment building.

Being friends is not a good spot to be in. It would impede your healing. I would ask you to rewind the last months of the relationship to try to understand what type of issues led to your breakup, and if some of them were from your side (relationships are made by two), you'll have the opportinuty to adress them for a future relationship.

I stoped contacting my friends that I already had before the relationship so I have found myself alone also (my friends live in another town). My breakup gave me the opportunity to reconnect with them and we've been spending some good times together. Perhaps you could do the same... 

[attlas]

On 1/12/2025 at 9:00 PM, extrox said:

I stoped contacting my friends that I already had before the relationship so I have found myself alone also 

Never a good idea.

When I was a teenager, every girlfriend I had went off with someone I made the mistake of thinking was my friend.  When I reached my twenties it went a stage further and girls only went out with me to gain access to my alleged friends.  Then  I made a policy decision and distanced myself from my friends.  Twenty years later my long-term partner went off with someone else and suddenly I had no one to turn to for support.

Never abandon your friends.