Advice please

[crispy800]

Hi everyone I'm completely new to this site and never really asked for advice in this way before. Do I have to post my question publicly or is their someone willing to chat with me privately? Many thanks 

[TeeDee]

You will probably get more answers if you post.  Your user name makes you anonymous.  Also when you create a thread you get many points of view. 

[crispy800]

Thanks,so I'm finding it hard to talk about my situation,but what are people's views on no contact with someone you only dated for a couple of months? Is it the same process as if you were in a serious relationship? I got dumped out of the blue after her saying her saying she had problems with her ex,immediately blocked afterwards which sucks. Not sure whether to think she's gone back to him ( which she said she wouldn't ) or if she will contact me again when things calm down for her. I let myself down and sent a few needy texts for a few days after,but she won't reply at all. I get the idea most will say on here just to move on and forget her,but was just wanting to hear other people's thoughts 

[afatalistdawn]

15 minutes ago, crispy800 said:

Thanks,so I'm finding it hard to talk about my situation,but what are people's views on no contact with someone you only dated for a couple of months? Is it the same process as if you were in a serious relationship? I got dumped out of the blue after her saying her saying she had problems with her ex,immediately blocked afterwards which sucks. Not sure whether to think she's gone back to him ( which she said she wouldn't ) or if she will contact me again when things calm down for her. I let myself down and sent a few needy texts for a few days after,but she won't reply at all. I get the idea most will say on here just to move on and forget her,but was just wanting to hear other people's thoughts 

Ignore the instinct to chase. Often, the gut reaction after someone pulls away is to seek closure and pursue harder. This only makes the person pull away more, causing a vicious push-pull cycle.

Don't expect closure from people like this. Even if she does contact you again, it's only because things are not going well with her ex. Once that changes, she will likely disappear again, because she's more emotionally attached to her ex.

"Moving on" with your life really is the only option here unfortunately. Spilled milk never returns to its container. What you need to do now is learn from this experience and make sure you don't let her back into your life in the future.

[Andrina]

As Dr. Phil said, the best predictor of future behavior is recent past behavior. What she's done to you once she will likely repeat if you two reconnected. I've never once taken back a person whether he ended it or I did. I'd rather start fresh with someone knew because if he did the breaking up, he knew that likely spelled forever and he was okay with that. If I did the breaking up, it was for a dealbreaker reason and I'd thought long and hard about it. Your fate lies with a lady who is totally into you. Hold out for her.

[TeeDee]

NC is about you not them.  It gives you time & space to heal.  It also prevents you from debasing yourself begging for them back.  It doesn't matter how long you were together; you are apart now & that is what matters so stay apart.  There's no need to see what the other person is up to on social media or give them a window into your life . At most you give a curt nod of acknowledgement & a tight lipped smiled when you see them out & about randomly. 

[crispy800]

Thankyou for the replies up to now,some very good feedback to think about. I was interested in whether it's likely I might hear from her again. I know everyone is different but would getting back in touch be typical of someone who has treated me this way? I initially went no contact then sent a few stupid messages ( all nice ) which would come across as needy. I then sent one final message letting her know how I felt and that I should move on. I needed to do that to kind of draw a line under it. I intend to work on myself and focus on me,I know this sort of person isn't healthy to build any kind of dating or relationship with,but I can't get her out my head! It's strange that we seem to want the things or people in life that we can't or shouldn't have

[TeeDee]

33 minutes ago, crispy800 said:

 I was interested in whether it's likely I might hear from her again. I know everyone is different but would getting back in touch be typical of someone who has treated me this way? 

this is unknowable. 

Flakey people come back & get on some emotional merry go round.  Do you really want that?

IMO it's best to move forward. 

[crispy800]

19 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

this is unknowable. 

Flakey people come back & get on some emotional merry go round.  Do you really want that?

IMO it's best to move forward. 

I am moving forward,I'm not even sure if I would want to give things a chance if she were to contact me again. I'd probably be in fear of when she would do it again. From past experience though,usually flakey people will come and go,so I wouldn't be too surprised if at some point,she reaches out. But as you said,this time is to focus on me

[TeeDee]

1 minute ago, crispy800 said:

,I'm not even sure if I would want to give things a chance if she were to contact me again. I'd probably be in fear of when she would do it again. 

That would be my concern. 

Do focus on yourself.  You will be better off. 

[afatalistdawn]

11 hours ago, crispy800 said:

Thankyou for the replies up to now,some very good feedback to think about. I was interested in whether it's likely I might hear from her again. I know everyone is different but would getting back in touch be typical of someone who has treated me this way?

It is likely that she might reach out again. Disappearing randomly is a way of "keep the door open," so don't fall for it if she throws a few breadcrumbs your way once she feels like she's losing you. Do not fall for it, or you'll be like a dog returning to its vomit.

I consider no contact indefinite. No birthday messages, no holiday greetings, no courtesy/friendly texts. Do not initiate contact ever--not 30 days, not 60 days, not 120 days.

11 hours ago, crispy800 said:

I needed to do that to kind of draw a line under it. I intend to work on myself and focus on me,I know this sort of person isn't healthy to build any kind of dating or relationship with,but I can't get her out my head! It's strange that we seem to want the things or people in life that we can't or shouldn't have

There are many reasons for this. One of them is the lack of closure. When there's a sudden loss (not just with relationships), there's no closure. You're grieving the relationship, the loss of not only the person but the connection.

I would challenge you to change the narrative in your last sentence. By framing it as "wanting what you can't have" you put her/this relationship on a pedestal. This goes with the lack of closure; since the connection was cut short and didn't have time to develop, it's possible you are romanticizing what things could have been. See this person as someone who would not have been good for you. After all, would you want a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable, doesn't know what they want, will disappear without explanation when you need them most? Flip the narrative (this person doesn't want me vs I don't want this person).

[crispy800]

Thankyou to all the people who replied to my post,it's certainly given me things to think about and it's great to know theirs such a great community on this site. UPDATE - after 4 weeks she randomly unblocked me but didn't contact me,I reached out to cos I wanted to know she was ok. Felt like I was talking to a different person, cold, distant and no apology or reason as to why I was completely blocked and ignored for weeks. She made it clear she's happy on her own and doesn't want anyone. Complete u turn on how she was before she cut me off. I kept the conversation very short and polite from my side and decided not to contact her again. Unless she's going through personal issues that I don't know of,I'm shocked that someone can go from being so kind and loving to literally where it feels they wish they hadn't met me. Why unblock me if she clearly doesn't want much to do with me? Oh well, I guess I put this one down to experience as I know I deserve better. I can't help hoping that one day she may get back in touch when and if she feels differently 

[TeeDee]

It doesn't matter that she unblocked you.  You now have your answers.  She is happier on her own.  Leave her that way.  

[crispy800]

Of course,I would never contact someone if it's unwanted. I was just curious why somebody goes from being lovely and kind,to wanting pretty much no contact when I've done nothing wrong,but I guess that's just life

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, crispy800 said:

 I was just curious why somebody goes from being lovely and kind,to wanting pretty much no contact when I've done nothing wrong,

The thing is, only she would be able to answer that. 

The important thing is that you don't waste much time wondering. Just focus on moving forward without her. 

[crispy800]

Yes I agree,I'm not going to waste more time going over things in my head,it's not healthy. guess im just bit disappointed as I really thought we both were going somewhere. Usually when you completely let go and move on,is ironically about the time they tend to get back in touch just to mess my head up even more haha. Thanks for the reply I appreciate it 

[afatalistdawn]

On 12/9/2024 at 1:12 PM, crispy800 said:

Thankyou to all the people who replied to my post,it's certainly given me things to think about and it's great to know theirs such a great community on this site. UPDATE - after 4 weeks she randomly unblocked me but didn't contact me,I reached out to cos I wanted to know she was ok. Felt like I was talking to a different person, cold, distant and no apology or reason as to why I was completely blocked and ignored for weeks. She made it clear she's happy on her own and doesn't want anyone. Complete u turn on how she was before she cut me off. I kept the conversation very short and polite from my side and decided not to contact her again. Unless she's going through personal issues that I don't know of,I'm shocked that someone can go from being so kind and loving to literally where it feels they wish they hadn't met me. Why unblock me if she clearly doesn't want much to do with me? Oh well, I guess I put this one down to experience as I know I deserve better. I can't help hoping that one day she may get back in touch when and if she feels differently 

I'm sorry. This is what I was afraid of by you reaching out. Unblocking you is a form of breadcrumbing. It's her attempt at "keeping the door open."

As to why she unblocked, I have a few theories. There's the fantasy of omnipresence from someone dealing with attachment wounds. When they were a kid, they learned it was unsafe to share their emotions. Maybe they were sent to time out, withdrew, or retreated to their room to deal with the feelings on their own. They could take as much time as they needed to withdraw, knowing their parents were always there. It became a learned pattern. This obviously can't happen in adult relationships. If you take space or go silent for a few days or put up walls (instead of boundaries), you can't expect the partner to still be there.

From Stan Tatkin:

The avoidant wants to know a primary attachment figure is around, but does not want to be approached unless invited. This is because approach by the other is experienced as a threat, something that does not occur when the avoidant makes the approach himself or herself. It is as though the avoidant is saying, “I want you in the house, just not in my room. And you can only come into my room when I extend the invitation." This particular feature generally does not appear during the courtship phase of romantic relationships. However, as the relationship begins to appear more permanent and settled, approach issues become evident in areas concerning time (interaction), space (proximity), and sex (libido). 

...

The avoidant’s pseudosecurity is rooted in a fantasy of omnipresence and permanence. This fantasy allows the avoidant to spend extended time away from the primary figure, without awareness of separation or loss. In the avoidant’s mind, the other partner is always there, is always around, and will never leave them. This notion of omnipresence, while comforting in one sense, is smothering and intrusive in another, which then leads to more avoidant Behaviour and devaluation of the partner.

Source: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/315514825_I_Want_You_In_The_House_Just_Not_In_My_Room_Unless_I_Ask_You_The_Plight_Of_The_Avoidantly_Attached_Partner_In_Couples_Therapy

 

7 hours ago, crispy800 said:

Yes I agree,I'm not going to waste more time going over things in my head,it's not healthy. guess im just bit disappointed as I really thought we both were going somewhere. Usually when you completely let go and move on,is ironically about the time they tend to get back in touch just to mess my head up even more haha. Thanks for the reply I appreciate it 

Rest assured, this is about her not you. If she's emotionally unavailable as I suspect she is, she has her own insecurities and you are not going to change her. I've dealt with someone like this and I was once emotionally unavailable, so I know their playbook. In her own mind, in a warped way, she may think she is doing the right thing by keeping you at arm's length (the whole "I just can't give you what you need" distortion).

One thing people often get wrong is that relationships require a certain set of skills (vulnerability, reciprocity, mutuality, consistency, emotional maturity) that don't transfer over from other areas of life. Just because someone is kind or smart or successful or hardworking or a good friend doesn't mean they will make a good partner. Think of it like parenting. Someone can be super intelligent or successful but a terrible parent.

I'm happy you will go no contact, but you need to make sure you are strict with it. As I said, no check-ins, no birthday messages, no holiday greetings, etc. Never reach out. And, if a few months down the line, she reaches out to you and shows remorse or regret or that she's changed or that she wants to rekindle things, you need to not fall for it, or the cycle will restart. If you want a healthy relationship, treat this person like a ticking time bomb: run far, run fast, and don't go back.

[crispy800]

Thankyou for that,I needed to hear your words to be honest. I won't be contacting her again for any reason,theirs no point to it. I admit,I was in a fantasy world believing I had met someone very special,but I was obviously wrong. Maybe she's got issues,I wouldn't know. But the fact that she would unblock me tells me what you said,she's likely wanting to keep me in the background somewhere in case she ever decides to contact me again. I've seen it many times before with ex partners from the past,they always seem to reach out again at some point if they were the dumper. I'm very interested in that theory and how it works with some people. I strongly believe that she may have gone back to her ex partner now. Just have a gut feeling. Whatever the case,it's none of my business,it's her life and her choices. I'll just be making sure from now on I don't fall for any of the same BS again.

[ShySoul]

On 12/11/2024 at 2:39 PM, crispy800 said:

But the fact that she would unblock me tells me what you said,she's likely wanting to keep me in the background somewhere in case she ever decides to contact me again.

Or maybe a person really wants to keep in contact with no ulterior motive and sees an opportunity to keep communication open as a friend?

A woman once hurt me, called things off abruptly. She did other things to hurt me and we didn't speak for months. One day she messaged me. We had an honest talk. We cleared the air and made peace, even though we both knew we weren't getting back together. 

It wasn't to keep me in the background. She wasn't playing a game with me. She honestly missed talking to me and felt bad about how things ended. We both wanted to make peace and leave the door open to being friends in the future.

On 12/11/2024 at 2:39 PM, crispy800 said:

I've seen it many times before with ex partners from the past,they always seem to reach out again at some point if they were the dumper. I'm very interested in that theory and how it works with some people.

You are using past experiences to dictate how other experiences will go. But each experience is different, as each person you meet will be different. Just because one person did this in the past, doesn't mean everyone will. It doesn't mean this one will.

Once people are hurt they became jaded. They feel like they need to protect themselves so it doesn't happen again. And they are quick to advise others to do the same.

Don't be like that. Be stronger then that. Keep yourself open to all possibilities. Don't close the door on people. Don't assume the worse in people. Even when people hurt you in the past, it is always possible for people to change. It is always possible that you can make better friends then romantic partners. Anything is possible and the more me limit our mindset, the more possibilities we close ourselves off to experiencing.

[crispy800]

On 1/1/2025 at 5:57 AM, ShySoul said:

 

Yes everything situation is different I completely agree. But from my own experiences it seems to follow a pattern,that isn't to say she will do the same. I just think that if things were ended without nastiness or any bad stuff and you were genuinely a good person to them,theirs always a chance of them reaching out for whatever reason. I don't have any anger towards her at all,far from it. I just wish she felt like she could have talked to me about things without cutting me off completely,that's the part I struggle with. I'm fighting with myself not to reach out to her which I won't,but either way I respect her choices,whatever the reason