My girlfriend’s adult children attacked me and now I’m the bad guy. AITA?

[Bansacris]

So my (m41) gf (f43) and I got into argument about her social media accounts and she told me to leave the house. I said no, not until we resolve this. So she got up and went to her daughter’s room and told her to come help her make me leave. Her and her brother (both in their early 20’s) asked me to leave and then started swearing, name calling and abusing me. The son kept mimicking me and calling me a *** with a small ***, over and over again. I refused to leave and told them that we were just having a small argument, that it doesn’t involve them and things don’t need to escalate, let’s take a time out and let me and their mum work things out. As I was still lying in our bed, the daughter attacked me first by grabbing me, scratching me and then punching and slapping me several times. The son then started grabbing me too and we ended up pushing and shoving each other. He kept telling me to hit him and at one point, as he charged at me, I grabbed him by the neck and pinned him against the wall. I eventually left and their mum has since broken up with me.
 

I’m absolutely shattered and heart broken how all three relationships turned to dust so quickly, over an argument that could have easily been resolved amicably. I have visible marks and scratches all around my neck, head and upper body (and even started to bleed a little) and a swollen nose (possible slight fracture). They have no marks or anything as I didn’t retaliate other than pushing them off me and pinning the son against the wall.

I get that I probably should have left earlier and I would have had it been an amicable/adult conversation, but for all three of them to attack me over such a small argument totally shook me.

I’m particularly upset that my gf deliberately involved her kids when it was totally unnecessary and an obvious attempt to escalate things and make me look like the bad guy for not leaving. 

Am I the A/hole?

[Coily]

I would file a police report and press charges. If they want to be the muscle for mommy then they get the consequences of committing assault and battery. Aholes like that need to have the full weight of the law dropped on them.

Sure it was a stupid argument over social media, but your ex or should be ex, is contemptible for involving her family to intimidate and assault you.

Also take out a restraining order on all of them. 

[Seraphim]

Never return to that relationship and file a police report . 

[catfeeder]

Did you live in the home with them?

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sorry you went through that, yet no matter who's right or wrong a better choice would be to walk away, rather than have it escalate to that level.

I'm not a lawyer, but it can end up becoming a matter of "he said, she said."

Either way, I hope you can move forward and put this behind you.

 

[Andrina]

I don't understand why you're heartbroken versus scared out of your gourd. If something like this happened over a minor incident, it's not a far stretch that with something more major, she might be the type to hire a hitman. For any future incidents with any new person, when they ask you to leave, do it and have the patience to iron things out when everyone has calmed down. Because when you engage in a physical altercation, you might be sent to jail depending on law enforcement's take on the situation.

[ShySoul]

What was the actual argument about? To you it was a small disagreement, but to her it seems to have been a lot more. And without actually knowing the details, its impossible for us to know if she was overreacting. For instance, if you were trying to control who she talks to or what she could post, then I'd say she was right to be upset.

Not saying either person was in the wrong for that, just think we need more information on the basis for what caused this issue in the first place.

You were also asked to leave before the children ever got involved. Perhaps she just needed time to cool down. You also escalated things by saying and refusing to walk away.

While I agree violence wasn't necessary, and rarely ever is, I don't think such a reaction comes out of nowhere. There is more history to this relationship I'm sure. How have things been generally? Is there a history of fighting? How long have you been together? Have the children shown this tendency to react in anger or violence before? What is their family history? 

Situations are rarely so simply as one act causing a problem. There is a buildup and history that explains it. It's not about one side being the bad guy. It's easy to paint a picture of people overreacting and make yourself the victim. And you may be. But instead of focusing on who is at fault, figure out why it happened and how to better handle things in the future, with anyone.

And I hope you are okay. If she has broken up with you, no matter who is at fault, it is probably for the best.

[Coily]

19 hours ago, ShySoul said:

What was the actual argument about? To you it was a small disagreement, but to her it seems to have been a lot more. And without actually knowing the details, its impossible for us to know if she was overreacting. For instance, if you were trying to control who she talks to or what she could post, then I'd say she was right to be upset.

Not saying either person was in the wrong for that, just think we need more information on the basis for what caused this issue in the first place.

You were also asked to leave before the children ever got involved. Perhaps she just needed time to cool down. You also escalated things by saying and refusing to walk away.

While I agree violence wasn't necessary, and rarely ever is, I don't think such a reaction comes out of nowhere. There is more history to this relationship I'm sure. How have things been generally? Is there a history of fighting? How long have you been together? Have the children shown this tendency to react in anger or violence before? What is their family history? 

Situations are rarely so simply as one act causing a problem. There is a buildup and history that explains it. It's not about one side being the bad guy. It's easy to paint a picture of people overreacting and make yourself the victim. And you may be. But instead of focusing on who is at fault, figure out why it happened and how to better handle things in the future, with anyone.

And I hope you are okay. If she has broken up with you, no matter who is at fault, it is probably for the best.

None of that justifies the physical assault that the OP said was done to him. No need to parse anything past her kids assaulted the OP. Period, end of.

[MissCanuck]

OP, what you describe above is a crime. 

Please contact the police and a lawyer. There is zero excuse for a violent assault. 

[catfeeder]

I'd be careful about involving the police if you don't want charges brought against yourself in answer to your complaint.

Your issue is three against one. If you were legally residing in the home, while it's true that they can't illegally evict you on the spot, given that you didn't call the police to enforce that, you'll just have 3 voices claiming that you perpetrated threats or an assault.

If you were not a legal resident, you have no standing for remaining in the home after being asked to leave, and it's three voices claiming that they ejected an intruder who threatened or assaulted one of them.

If you had legal standing to remain in the home, you would have been wise to contact the police to enforce your right to be there. Otherwise, it's just a s#!* show you can't win.

Next time someone asks you to leave their home, do so immediately. If you believe there's stuff to work out, save it for the next day and discuss it on neutral ground.

[ShySoul]

6 hours ago, Coily said:

None of that justifies the physical assault that the OP said was done to him. No need to parse anything past her kids assaulted the OP. Period, end of.

Nor did I say it excused or justified their actions. But there are two sides to every story and we have only only received one side.

Not saying any of this happened, but what if it was a guy trying to convince their partner to post explicit pictures of themselves that they didn't want to post? Would we be so quick to say someone overreacted by involving family or getting physical? Or would we be thinking the guy was trash and deserved the treatment? Would it be assault, or would it be defense?

Understanding is a three edged sword - your side, their side, and the truth.

Unless you know the full picture, you don't have the real story. I just want to know the whole truth before I make a judgement one way or another.

Either way, she called it off and they should not be together. Pressing charges becomes he said/she said and won't change a thing. And he would actually be outnumbered in his claims, so runs the risk of making it worse. Best to leave it alone and leave, as he should have done in the first place.

[Tinydance]

I'm really sorry that this happened to you! Really awful! How long did you date your girlfriend? What was the argument regarding social media? So number one, her children definitely didn't have a right to attack you physically! That's illegal! They sound very mentally unstable. But I also need to know what exactly the argument was about social media. Like, if your girlfriend did something wrong (e.g. flirting with other guys online). Or if you were acting overly jealous or possessive (e.g. told her to delete all males from her social media). It still doesn't change the fact that they had no right to physically hurt you!

It's a difficult situation because you were asked to leave but you didn't. And by the sounds of it, you were refusing to leave for a while. Because first your girlfriend asked you to leave and then her children were asking you but you still didn't leave. If you wanted to file a police report please do. But I guess it would depend on the laws in your country and how this situation would be interpreted legally. Very likely police would take you seriously but at the same time I'm not sure it looks good that you absolutely refused to leave until the situation really escalated. 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

But I also need to know what exactly the argument was about social media. Like, if your girlfriend did something wrong (e.g. flirting with other guys online). Or if you were acting overly jealous or possessive (e.g. told her to delete all males from her social media). It still doesn't change the fact that they had no right to physically hurt you!

I agree with this^  and if (hypothetically) your relationship entailed you attempting to exert this type of dominance, she may have become fed up with it and wanted you gone. 

Without more context, by you choosing to exercise even more dominance by refusing to leave, the situation exacerbated leading to her kids losing their *** and assaulting you. 

They may have even feared for mom's safety which on some level would justify their actions. 

In the U.S, it's called "defense of others" and it's a legit legal defense in most states. 

Not accusing you of anything but again we need more context about your relationship dynamic, what you argued about and what actually transpired that night. 

[Coily]

17 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Not saying any of this happened, but what if it was a guy trying to convince their partner to post explicit pictures of themselves that they didn't want to post? Would we be so quick to say someone overreacted by involving family or getting physical? Or would we be thinking the guy was trash and deserved the treatment? Would it be assault, or would it be defense?

This is silly and irrelevant to the topic at hand. Please try to remain grounded in this conversation about the OP getting assaulted .

 

17 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Either way, she called it off and they should not be together. Pressing charges becomes he said/she said and won't change a thing. And he would actually be outnumbered in his claims, so runs the risk of making it worse. Best to leave it alone and leave, as he should have done in the first place.

Also bollocks, if the OP has clear signs of violence against him and his attackers have none, he should press charges. To use your level of speculation, this would be like telling a victim of a gang rape to not report it as it could make things worse. It's not a good position to take, if you want a social contract type of society.

A police investigation into this assault would get to the unbiased truth. period end of.

[TeeDee]

On 11/29/2024 at 8:53 AM, Bansacris said:

Am I the A/hole?

Kinda.  When asked to leave someone else's home, you leave.  When that person goes & gets reinforcements, you run don't walk out the door.  

The argument about the social media may have been small but you disrespecting your GF's home by not leaving when asked to was seriously problematic.  

Do not call the police.  Once you were asked to leave but chose to stay you became  the criminal tresspasser.  

[mylolita]

If she really felt threatened OP, she should have called the police to have you removed. 
 

What she shouldn’t do is set her two young children on you. The reason why I think they did this from a bad place was the verbal goading and mocking cruelly whilst they did it. If they were fearful, I don’t think taunts would have come into the psychology of it. 
 

It depends where you want to go with this, but I would say at the very least, my God, be thankful in some strange way that the veil has been lifted and the families true colours have been shown. 
 

There have been plenty of arguments where I’ve wanted to go walk off, drive off, or leave the house or room, but sometimes my husband does want to stay and try work it out, or attempt at de-escalating. 
 

It sounds like they all absolutely lost their marbles and acted like animals. If she was genuinely intimidated, she should have gotten her child or herself call the police. 
 

Now you know I guess to never go back there. I’m sorry things escalated. Arguments don’t take perfect routes and sometimes we can try and stay and insist things get talked through and worked out but, if the person is just in a deranged state, it’s not going to end well.

 

x

[rainbowsandroses]

For anyone who is interested from Findlaw.com.

>>"Yes, "defense of others" is considered a legal defense to an allegation of assault, meaning if you used force to protect another person from imminent harm, you may be able to use this defense to argue that your actions were justified and not an assault. 

Key points about defense of others:

Reasonable belief of danger:

To successfully use this defense, you must have a reasonable belief that the person you intervened to protect was in immediate danger of being assaulted. 

Proportionate force:

The level of force used to defend another person must be proportional to the perceived threat. 

The legal principles behind defense of others are very similar to self-defense, allowing the use of reasonable force to protect someone else from imminent harm." <<

___

OP again NOT accusing you of anything but this is what you're up against should you choose to report if you live in the U.S.

Just out of curiosity, when asked to leave, a few times in fact, why didn't you? 

Why did you refuse to leave? 

That in and of itself, in your gf's and her kids eyes, may have imposed a threat. 

I don't know I wasn't there but can you provide more context? 

 

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

This is silly and irrelevant to the topic at hand. Please try to remain grounded in this conversation about the OP getting assaulted

Context matters. To us the classic example, stealing is wrong. But should stealing a loaf of bread to feed a starving family be treated with the same level of punishment as stealing a car or robbing a bank? Or that murder in cold blood is different then murder in self defense. 

The only way to give a fair answer on what happened is to know all the details about what happened. That is being grounded. It's not rushing to a quick answer and is instead trying to take all sides into account. It's keeping an open mind and looking for the same unbiased truth you want.

1 hour ago, Coily said:

Also bollocks, if the OP has clear signs of violence against him and his attackers have none, he should press charges. To use your level of speculation, this would be like telling a victim of a gang rape to not report it as it could make things worse. It's not a good position to take, if you want a social contract type of society.

A police investigation into this assault would get to the unbiased truth. period end of.

You have way more faith in the police then I do. Unless I've been imagining all the stories of police brutatlity or corruptness I've read.

Again, context matters. A gang rape is clearly not the same as this incident. You are extroplating that what should be done in one insistance should be done in all insistances. There is no one size fits all way to handle things. A lot depends on the circumstances and details. Rape would be a much higher level of physical and emotional danger. I dout the victim would have been given an opportunity to leave before things happened to her. Thus she would clearly be the victim and by all means should report it. And even then, most rape attacks don't get punished. I've linked to RAINN's site on more then one occassion in posts, so I clearly take that threat seriously.

In this case, he was asked to leave multiple times and refused. He hasn't said what the problem was that caused this in the first place. He also acted violently by his own admission. He holds fault in this as well. I'm just pointing out that there are two sides to the story and wanting the complete truth.

 

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, TeeDee said:

Do not call the police.  Once you were asked to leave but chose to stay you became  the criminal tresspasser. 

58 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

"Yes, "defense of others" is considered a legal defense to an allegation of assault, meaning if you used force to protect another person from imminent harm, you may be able to use this defense to argue that your actions were justified and not an assault. 

Thank you.

Bansacris, I'm sorry they attacked you. They should have found a different way to descalate the problem. But so should you. Without the full story, no one looks good in this. You both raised things to an unacceptable level. No one really has a moral high ground. 

The question I would ask is if this is worth your time. Was it serious enough of an offense to you to get police involved and all the hassle that comes with it? Do you have clear evidence that they were wrong and know that it can't be turned around on you? What would you really hope to gain from it? Would it really make you feel better or solve some problem for you? Or would you prefer to learn from this and move on?

The choice is ultimately yours. But please consider all options and think things through before making a decision.

[Tinydance]

I personally think there are two issues going on here. OP if you want to file a police report then you could do that. But just before doing that you may want to research your country's laws regarding trespassing in someone's home.

I think from a moral issue of course her children had no right to physically attack you! But from a legal perspective I think it's a lot more complicated than that. You haven't given any further details yet about the argument. If the argument got verbally abusive, like yelling and you were asked to leave a number of times, that doesn't make you look good. Even though you were in a relationship with this woman, if you didn't live there and aren't married to this woman then by law standards you didn't have a "right" to be in their home. You could be there if you were invited but in this case you were specifically asked to leave by all residents of the house a number of times. They had no right to attack you but in this situation they were actually within their right to call police on YOU.

If you would like to press charges then maybe you could first speak to a lawyer? At the end of the day you actually probably wouldn't want to get into any trouble yourself, right? You wouldn't want to try to get fairness for the attack on you but in the process get prosecuted yourself. 

Also at the end of the day, it sounds like this relationship with this woman was toxic. I'm not sure what exactly your argument was about but clearly your way of communication was very unhealthy. She didn't want to work it out and wanted you to leave. Her children also seemingly hate you and didn't hesitate to physically hurt you. So regardless of any legal proceedings, how could you honestly continue dating this woman? I think even if the children hadn't physically attacked you, the whole situation was just very abusive and very off. This woman didn't want you in her house and she wanted her kids to turn on you. Even if the attack was only verbal but these people don't sound like they actually like you at all.

[Coily]

17 hours ago, ShySoul said:

The only way to give a fair answer on what happened is to know all the details about what happened. That is being grounded. It's not rushing to a quick answer and is instead trying to take all sides into account. It's keeping an open mind and looking for the same unbiased truth you want.

Are you keeping that open mind? It comes across that you are willing to use any means to justify this assault. You blew right past the context of the escalation. See below

On 11/29/2024 at 8:53 AM, Bansacris said:

The son kept mimicking me and calling me a *** with a small ***, over and over again.

 

18 hours ago, ShySoul said:

You have way more faith in the police then I do. Unless I've been imagining all the stories of police brutatlity or corruptness I've read.

I likely have significantly less trust than you, but I'm also not going to fixate on individual human failings in regards to a system that in a case of clear assault should work. Guess, context doesn't matter?

 

18 hours ago, ShySoul said:

He also acted violently by his own admission. He holds fault in this as well. I'm just pointing out that there are two sides to the story and wanting the complete truth.

Indeed, though as you mentioned with murder vs self defense; there is a difference. Furthermore, given the drive by nature of the OP's post, we have only these details in evidence. I tend to view someone who has been on the receiving end of an assault more favorably than a group of attackers.

 

15 hours ago, Tinydance said:

They had no right to attack you but in this situation they were actually within their right to call police on YOU.

This i fully agree with, and it would have been a far better route for all involved. Even if the OP was escorted off the property.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

I tend to view someone who has been on the receiving end of an assault more favorably than a group of attackers.

Why though without all context from both sides?

Did you read my post defining the legal defense in the US "defense of others"?

We don't know if the OP had verbally threatened his girlfriend; we don't know anything except he and his girlfriend had an argument, she asked him to leave, he refused, a few times!

And her kids attacked him.

Again IF they felt their mom was in any type of physical danger which again we don't  know because the OP has chosen to not return with more details then the kid's actions were justified under the legal defense "defense of others."

Don't know what country the OP is from but that's the law in the United States. 

Personally, I have no judgment and will not render a judgment about this ether way until we have all the context. 

Although imo kids typically don't go attacking mom's boyfriend for no good and valid  reason, something happened that for some reason the OP is choosing not to share.  JMO.

The police (and D.A.'s office) would most likely view it the same way upon encountering a person claiming to be a victim who refused to talk and share all the details of what actually went down that night. 

 

 

 

[Coily]

21 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Why though without all context from both sides?

We will never get that context, a drive by poster.

 

40 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Don't know what country the OP is from but that's the law in the United States. 

This varies by state. Also many times these laws refer to proportional use of force. Which by that logic the OP could have used lethal force.

"Self-defense was necessary and justified, The person you defended was not the aggressor, You used proportionate force, and You witnessed the attack on the third party."

Furthermore, IF the OP is in one of the Duty to Retreat states (there are 11), if he was the aggressor, the family would have had to retreat; even if he was deemed a home invader.

58 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Although imo kids typically don't go attacking mom's boyfriend for no good and valid  reason, something happened that for some reason the OP is choosing not to share.  JMO.

Or that something was they just disliked the OP. There are violent dirt-bags out there who revel in violence.

 

Perhaps I'm jaded due to knowing 2 guys who were assaulted by a gf or the gf's family, one was shot. In one case the guy's GF was cheating and wanted to force a break up. The shooting, she was later diagnosed with paranoid delusions in jail. In both cases these women gaslight everyone to try to shift blame to the men involved. Legal system sorted out  these incidents.

Will we ever know what happened here? Not likely. But I prefer to not justify assault.

[Joannethegreat]

This is crazy. People argue and tell each other to leave all the time in the heat of the moment and usually it’s just a bluff so the other person stops arguing, I know me and my partner have said it countless times to each other and things usually calm down as we don’t want things to escalate. So what, everytime OP disagrees with her she will just ask him to leave or get her kids to attack him? Arguments happen and if OP was being aggressive or abusive then call the police! If anything OP showed restraint, it sounds like he barely even defended himself and just took the abuse. Most guys in that position would have kicked the hell out of that little *** son and even though I’m against violence against women, in this case it could have been justified as self defence. OP should press charges. The mom sounds like a real piece of work for involving her kids into their arguments.

[SophiaG]

2 hours ago, Joannethegreat said:

People argue and tell each other to leave all the time in the heat of the moment and usually it’s just a bluff so the other person stops arguing

 

2 hours ago, Joannethegreat said:

So what, everytime OP disagrees with her she will just ask him to leave or get her kids to attack him?

Hm, no. If someone asks you to leave their home as a bluff to shut you up - you leave and end the relationship with them.