26 yr old wounds revealed

[Bongo51]

My wife has recently had an alcoholic breakdown and entered the hospital and then outpatient rehab after attending 8 meetings.  At one of her first AA meetings she misheard the 9th Step, and thought she had to make amends for her promiscuity when she went out after 8 months of living together with the intention of be out and having some drinks.  She met a truck driver at the bar who invited her to his semi cab and drink some moonshine.  That's the last thing she remembers before coming to after being pushed out of the truck.  She's sure she had anal sex with him but doesn't remember as she was in a blackout.  She's been carrying the guilt for 26 years that she had consensual anal sex with him because she's a drunk.  After being really messed up by that, after a week I remembered Bill Cosby and roofies.  I researched predator rapist truck drivers in the late 90s and it was a thing and hard to prosecute and they were over the road truck drivers that prayed on women in bars and truck stops.   This sounds like exactly what happened to her and she was so relieved even though it was traumatic.  Well once she opened the door to it I couldn't resist digging (like a fool).  She when we met and started dating and having lots of sex that she was still screwing two other guys. One that she had been with for the past few months and the other a few years as *** buddies after her separation from her first husband (encouraged her to *** this guy and tell him about it while they had sex).    This is after she told me she loved me and I in return.  I thought we were exclusive and  I'm really angry, sad and disillusioned because I believed in our little love story.   She is devastated by what it's done to me, and worried about my health and I'worried about hers.  We both have heart disease.  I was so keyed up I was projectile vomiting in my car after dropping her off at the hospital because she starting wishing she could kill herself. They then arranged outpatient alcohol rehab which she's working hard on.  I'm working on forgiving her because once I moved in with her she got rid of both of them (I was on the couch when she told the one I knew to stop calling her). and has been a wonderful wife and partner.  How do I get the movies in my head?  I asked her if it was her what would she do to try and deal with it but she doesn't have an answer.  I asked  her why and she replied because she was ***ed up in the head, constantly seeking validation from men and a drunk (she was and is lovely) so it was hard to tell.  It was a three months, 26 years ago.  I told her that if she had told she was still playing the field I could have made a couple different choices, one of which I'm sure I would have dumped her.  I ended up with herpes from the one I knew personally and detested.  I'm glad now I didn't because she's been a wonderful partner and I want to help her in her recovery.  So I'm trying to learn how to combat the intrusive thoughts and to get out of this funk that everyone has commented on.  I'm just plain sad and I can't seem to hide it.  It's a bummer for her and the kids today I'm sure.

[ShySoul]

Is there a reason you reposted this instead of added to the prior post?

As said previously, she choose you. She has built a life with you. It was wrong of her to do that in the first place. You have ever right to be upset and should feel that if it is what you are feeling. But you can't change the past. To constantly be stuck in it is going to hurt the present and future. You combat the thoughts by trying to focus on all the good moments that have come since. And you work together to rebuild the trust and build even more good moments going forward.

Given everything you both have experienced, are you in therapy? Either together or apart? Alcohol addiction, affairs, rape... that is a lot that could easily tear apart a relationship. Perhaps having a professional to talk to can help you sort through everything that both of you must be feeling right now. It could help to process the anger, hurt, and guilt that must surely exist.

 

[Bongo51]

Thanks, we're working through it.  I know how alcohol and promiscuity go together and she's so remorseful and guilty.  I'm just so sad and can't seem to completely snap out of it.  We've been talking about it and hopefully this will pass.  Just not something I wanted to deal with at 70. 

[TeeDee]

For you this is all fresh so it's a new hurt.  She's known about it for 26 years. 

You have to logic your way through it by focusing on the faithfulness she exhibited despite the alcoholism.  

Consider going to al anon.  It's the support group for people like you who love alcoholics like your wife.  

[ShySoul]

It's a major bombshell that is going to take time to process and deal with. You are going to feel sad, hurt, angry, and a lot of other emotions. That's okay. Take things as they come, day by day. Concentrate on the good and the love that has been there all these years and that she is continuing to show you. Together, you can make it through. It may take awhile, but keep pushing forward and believe you can do it together.

I watched my father struggle with alcohol and my brother struggle with drugs. I know how hard it is to see loved ones wrestle with addiction and the negative consequences that they face. Sorry you have to deal with all of this.

Having a support system and someone to talk to would be useful - be it an organized group, family or just friends. Don't feel you have to handle it just the two of you. Maybe seek out the wisdom of those who have gone through similar.