A decade of repeating "boiling overs"

[asurprisehuh]

First post here and it's a massive wall of text. I do apologize, I don't exactly have a social circle and I'm posting this with not just a need to vent, but a need to make sure that my perspective on this isn't crazy. Even if you only take the time to read this, I appreciate you. Anyways, lets begin.

My wife (31F) and I (31M) hit a decade together a couple weeks back, and hit 6 years of marriage (with six months of seperation late 2021/early 2022) on Halloween. We met in middle school, she took my first kiss, halfway through the summer before 9th grade we fell out and didn't reconnect until I had just turned 21. Our reconnecting was shortly before I had a falling out with a significant friend, shortly after which she asked me if I was interested in dating her. Initially I turned her down, knowing that i needed to process my loss instead of pursuing romance, but she was insistent over the next couple of weeks and perswayed me, despite being a 14 hour one way drive away.

Our relationship dynamic could be summed up as cycular, and was evident from get go. Starts out with heavy indications of love, dishing out compliments like nothing or staying up until 4 in the morning talking about missing each other with her having a 6 am shift, the puppy dog sort of thing as best as it could be done long distance. In person this translated over to being inseperable and living the week or so I would spend up there on my trips like an adventure. This sort of demenaor would be overtaken by insecurities popping up, which would cause conflict and spiral into 'the pot boiling over' persay. Promises to leave the relationship on both sides were routinely made in these conflicts, but we'd always seem to somehow reconcile.

Until I recognized the pattern, living within this cycle was like having whiplash. She insisted on dating me, would show that desire for a couple days, seemingly start to think that I wasn't really interested in her for a couple days and put me on task to "prove it," and by the end of the week we've both called in quits and made up. I couldn't tell up from down, everything I tried to do with good intentions seemed to backfire, but this being my first relationship I just figured I needed to learn how to handle things better to find some stability. Rinse, repeat, with the pace of the cycle gradually slowing over the course of our relationship.

Needless to say, we've both discovered over the course of our relationship that we both deal with mental health disorders. Communication has always been the crux of our relationship and marriage, with the lack of it in appropiate areas often being the trigger for the explosive disagreements we had. Funny enough, it was highlighted routinely, and there have been many, many conversations about the issues with our communication, but it's never improved. If anything, it's regressed quite heavily. Having things you confided thrown back in your face in a bit of anger can only be tolerated so much before you learn the lesson, you know? And i thought comunicating that feeling would prompt figuring out how to fix it, but instead it was something that persisted until I learned that she just didn't simply care. To her that was communication, that it was valid because it was a part of her emotional expression, something that she always justified, errgo clear lack of emotional safety.

I also need to mention that we have a child. We actually had a total of four pregnancies throughout our relationship and marriage, with two being miscarriages, our child being a, unbeknowest to us until after, HELP syndrome pregnancy, and the last being an abortion because of financial insecurity, fear about another rough pregnancy or possibly dying, and pressure from her parents. I was fortunate to be essientally kidnapped from my father by my mom, who then taught me that he was an evil man while replacing him with a man that physically and verbally abused me, so needless to say fatherhood and setting a good example are incredibly important to me.

What brings me to making this post is what transpired today. Back in the later half of 2021 we seperated after a venture into ethical non-monogamy that was a means for her to explore her sexuality. It highlighted just how horrid our communication actually was, and after a ton of dramatics and her trying to get me arrested, I walked away. For about a month it was very close to turning into an incredibly nasty divorce, but she eventually capitalized on her pressuring and utilizing my childhood experiences to convince me that there was a legit shot at fixing things. Lemme just say it was a straight up lie, this perfect little facade of stability that's really just simply repression, building walls.

She got tasked with making green been casarole and sweet potato cassarole and baked Mac 'n' Cheese for our Thanksgiving lunch with her parents. She makes amazing food and puts a lot of time and effort into it, and it's my responsability on turkey day to assist her as needed. That's my basic purpose anyways, if she needs something and I'm around it's expected that I'll fetch or do it, but it's especially important on holidays as the familial expectations place a lot of pressure on her that gets exerted as frustration. After finishing cooking, right before she hopped in the shower to get ready to go, she asked me to do three or four different things, no big deal. I forgot one of those, the transport box, and before I even have an opportunity to correct my forgetfulness I'm getting an exsaperated sigh and an earful that makes me feel like I'm being percieved as a kid.

I got mad, but immediately went to go hunt down a cardboard box. Found a box and got it unfolded, went to our shed to grab some tape. She followed and asked why I was mad, and I was straight up with her: I forgot one thing of the however many various things I've been tasked to do and get made to feel like I'm stupid for it. "Well last year you did whatever you wanted to do!' I believe I responded along the lines of "oh right, I forgot that I don't do ***". Walked back inside, holding the door open for her, taped the box and got ore about how her hard work isn't appreciated. Obviously we reigned it in so kiddo was as unaware as possible, and put a lid on it for Thanksgiving lunch, but shortly after getting back home she insisted we needed to talk.

So a couple hours ago we go corner ourselves off in the house and talk. She asks again why I was mad, and I explain again, and it immediately becomes clear she's not interested in actually knowing, she just wants to be able to tell me how my reaction was wrong and get an apology from me. Kind of hard to apologize for a reaction when what caused the reaction is being ignored, so it devolves into her saying that she's done, that I'm skirting accountability, that if I want her I have to prove I'm 100% committed, basically flipping my response to her being done consisting of "I would hope the past decade would've made it clear that I want to be with you, but ultimately you're going to do what you want to do."

Now, I've fought for us going to couples counseling with it never coming to fruition. I've tried to have meaningful conversations about our relationship, our wants and our needs, and all i've ever gotten back is that it's not me it's life stressing her out. Until she gets angry, then some of the truth comes out. But I don't know if I could walk away from this saying that I did everything I could, which is important to me as this is something I never wanted my child to experience, even the first go around. But we've once again hit that wall, and I don't know any way around it at this point.

[shouldhavelearned]

Some type of professional help is needed.

This doesn't sound healthy for anyone especially the kid.

 

Sometimes the one partner enjoys find the blame of something simple just to push the buttons of the other.

[catfeeder]

Welcome to ENA. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling misunderstood and unappreciated. If wife has agreed to couples counseling in the past, where was the breakdown in attending? Were you each waiting for the other to schedule a session?

I'd tell wife that I'd like to learn how we can approach problems as being on the same side rather than as adversaries who feel a need to make the other feel guilty, and I'd ask her if she's willing to join me in counseling. If she's willing, I'd gather a list of 3 therapists and ask her to choose one from the list, then I'd set up the first session. Asking her to choose addresses any fears she might hold about you choosing someone to gang up on her.

If she's unwilling, I'd set up a session for myself--especially given that you've said you don't have a social circle. It might help you to have someone with whom you can discuss your thoughts, feelings, and concerns, and who will listen and validate your need to be heard and possibly challenge you with options.

I hope you will feel welcome here, and please write more if it helps.

[asurprisehuh]

1 hour ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Some type of professional help is needed.

This doesn't sound healthy for anyone especially the kid.

 

Sometimes the one partner enjoys find the blame of something simple just to push the buttons of the other.

 

33 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Welcome to ENA. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling misunderstood and unappreciated. If wife has agreed to couples counseling in the past, where was the breakdown in attending? Were you each waiting for the other to schedule a session?

I'd tell wife that I'd like to learn how we can approach problems as being on the same side rather than as adversaries who feel a need to make the other feel guilty, and I'd ask her if she's willing to join me in counseling. If she's willing, I'd gather a list of 3 therapists and ask her to choose one from the list, then I'd set up the first session. Asking her to choose addresses any fears she might hold about you choosing someone to gang up on her.

If she's unwilling, I'd set up a session for myself--especially given that you've said you don't have a social circle. It might help you to have someone with whom you can discuss your thoughts, feelings, and concerns, and who will listen and validate your need to be heard and possibly challenge you with options.

I hope you will feel welcome here, and please write more if it helps.

Thank you both for the responses. i definitely agree that professional help is needed. The breakdown in the few times counseling has been looked into has varied, the most common being just a simple lack of prioritization. There's been a couple instances of getting hungup on where to go for counseling (wanting to avoid either one of us feeling ganged up on,) the last pursuit fell through because after sending three or four different options to her for her thoughts she decided the issue was lack of religion in our household, which then in turn ultimately fell through itself. I'd also be doing a disservice by not mentioning that we've been below the poverty line our entire relationship, so finances also caused a couple other instances of heading towards counseling to fall through. But I would put the most common reason on just simply lack of prioritization, which tracks with how I've felt unprioritized throughout our relationship.

As far as individual therapy, it's something I've been trying to figure out. I'm not even established with a primary care provider where we're located (we moved three hours from where we ere previously shortly after reconciling from our seperation,) and that really boils down to a lack of self prioritization. Hypocritical of me to expect to have prioritization when i don't prioritize myself. She was in therapy, I believe she just recently started back up again earlier this month, however she's spent a good majority of our relationship in therapy and I've never gotten a sense that it's helped. She's diagnosed with CPTSD, I'm diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, neither one of us feels that our diagnoses (is that the correct plural?) cover all of our symptoms and experiences, there's quite a lot fot unpack between the two of us and honestly therapy should be a requirement, regardless of the marriage.

[Kwothe28]

I have a theory that messy people have an incredible power to find other messy people. Since they recognize themselves in one another. For example, your wife has shown toxic threats from the start. Chasing you even when you said "No", then after she got you she changed tune and required some kind of "proof of love" etc. That is incredibly toxic sequence. In which you folded probably because you were flattered by her. Same with her other manipulations. She leaves you to sleep with other men(or women if you thought on that when you said "explore her sexuality") and even tries to get you arrested. But when all that failed, she manipulates you in taking her back. In which you, who comes from broken family and suffered from abuse when your parents separated, fold probably because you dont want the same for your kid. She wants to verbally abuse you for forgetting the thing for Thanksgiving. And you recognize that but still play her game. 

Far being that she is the only culprit there. I dont think your way of a dialogue with her is especially helpful there. Just saying that healthy people would recognize what she is doing and move far away from her. But you married her, had a kid with the person like that and still staying in marriage with her. Because you yourself are also not mentally healthy individual to recognize that what she is doing is wrong and that you need to leave for your mental health and the mental health of your kid. That is why I say that lots of people need to be in a healthy mindset before dating. Because if they dont, they make a mistakes like yours. 

[asurprisehuh]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I have a theory that messy people have an incredible power to find other messy people. Since they recognize themselves in one another. For example, your wife has shown toxic threats from the start. Chasing you even when you said "No", then after she got you she changed tune and required some kind of "proof of love" etc. That is incredibly toxic sequence. In which you folded probably because you were flattered by her. Same with her other manipulations. She leaves you to sleep with other men(or women if you thought on that when you said "explore her sexuality") and even tries to get you arrested. But when all that failed, she manipulates you in taking her back. In which you, who comes from broken family and suffered from abuse when your parents separated, fold probably because you dont want the same for your kid. She wants to verbally abuse you for forgetting the thing for Thanksgiving. And you recognize that but still play her game. 

Far being that she is the only culprit there. I dont think your way of a dialogue with her is especially helpful there. Just saying that healthy people would recognize what she is doing and move far away from her. But you married her, had a kid with the person like that and still staying in marriage with her. Because you yourself are also not mentally healthy individual to recognize that what she is doing is wrong and that you need to leave for your mental health and the mental health of your kid. That is why I say that lots of people need to be in a healthy mindset before dating. Because if they dont, they make a mistakes like yours. 

Oh absolutely, which was my concern before we started dating. With our separation I started making the biggest headway I ever had with my own mental health, because I was able to make the space to do so. I, however, deal with a need to people please, stemming from an inability to internally validate myself or how I'm feeling, which is ultimately what leads to the folding. So I'm right there with you about needing to be in a healthy mindset, even if my experience is contradictory to that.

That being said, I can't change that I wound up here, I can only figure out how to move forward. Our move after getting back together, while intended to be about being closer to her parents as they get up in age, has unfortunately put us in a spot that honestly feels like entrapment at some points. Her parents bought the house we live in without our asking, and her dad uses that as something to hang over our heads when we get overwhelmed with his frequent appearances and expectations to be weighted on hand and foot whenever he's around. I was unemployed for 6 months, which started out as being for childcare over kiddo's summer break and ended up extended because of an absolutely horrid job market in our area, which of course led to what little we had tucked away in savings getting depleted.

I'm back working again, but part time and at a lower wage as her job has taken priority (higher wage,) so it's not like I can just up and leave on a dime. I'm stuck and have to figure out a means of navigating this without causing something that'll leave a traumatic impact on our child or have me winding up homeless. I also have to take into consideration how trigger ready she was about pursuing full custody, something I advocated quite heavily against either one of us pursuing as I've experienced the end result of that and I'm sure as hell not putting my kid through that. We may have an inability to have a healthy dynamic ourselves, but our kid loves both of us and knows we both love him, and the thought of putting him a situation where he's having to pick sides is absolutely disgusting to me. So needless to say, I'm inbetween a rock and a hard place at the moment.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, asurprisehuh said:

We may have an inability to have a healthy dynamic ourselves, but our kid loves both of us and knows we both love him, and the thought of putting him a situation where he's having to pick sides is absolutely disgusting to me. So needless to say, I'm inbetween a rock and a hard place at the moment.

You've raised that you've both been diagnosed with things, which says that you've already had some exposure to mental health assessment. So consider reaching out to your local hospital's human services department for a referral to a social worker who can help you navigate low cost or no cost counseling and other resources for yourself.

While ideally and eventually you may parlay this work into couples counseling, consider that starting with your own inner work can help you to navigate all else. When one person changes, it can change the whole dynamic of a relationship. I'd consider the benefits of being the one who's willing to adopt enough sanity for both of you until you can gain more cooperation from your partner to do the work with you.

Meanwhile, I'd start floating the idea of trying to view things through a lens of being a team that is on the same side rather than viewing one another as an enemy. It's an olive branch that may start a process that benefits you in terms of feeling less victimized and more focused on your goal of creating the best possible household environment for your child.