Girlfriend broke up with me

[Kdo11]

Hello and Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! Ok so my girlfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. I been in no contact since then and plan on staying in No Contact. I feel as though we had a good relationship but we both are not good with communicating with each other about intimacy things.We do talk everyday about everyday things and talk as we sit and watch TV. Before the break up I did notice her being a little distant. She started working a 2 nd job so I just assumed she was tired and getting worn out working 2 jobs. She Broke up with me through a text  after a 6 year relationship which honestly it was our 2nd go around. I thought that was very hurtful and childish.She gave me some bull*** reason saying that I love and adore her so much and she doesn’t have the same feeling so I guess she lost attraction. I’m not sure I believe that b/c I’m not a ugly guy and I treat her good and I’m very affectionate towards her always hugging her, kissing her , buying her flowers open car door for her , leaving sticky notes in her lunch bag or on the fridge, just silly stuff like that. Not sure if this is coincidence but like I mentioned she started working another job and I think has become close with a male coworker which I posted about a few weeks back . I’m not supposed to know this but I see her phone sometimes not by snooping but sometimes she leaves it laying around and I see he texts her on other days and even text her at 11:00 at night asking her if she made it home ok from work. I didn’t want to make a big deal over something that I don’t know all the facts and  maybe he just a nice guy but as I think about it I should of confronted her.. I think he has a agenda and she likes the attention.  I hope in the long run it works between us b/c I know deep down inside we we’re supposed to meet and be together. If I get her back I will make sure I make her my wife which I have a feeling that was part of the reason she wanted out . I was hoping to get my finances in order and some other things taken care of before the new year before I made the leap  so  I’m having a tough time with this but I will get through it. 

[catfeeder]

Hello, and happy Thanksgiving. Her complaint isn't that you don't do enough for her, as she's noted your attention and devotion, which you've confirmed in this post. Her choice to break up because she doesn't match your feelings is the most difficult reason to say to someone, and that's why it's not likely that she's lying. 

A confrontation about your suspicions about her liking the attention from a guy at work would not have turned out well, so you're smart for avoiding that standoff. 

Your choice to remain No Contact is wise.

Feel free to write more if it helps, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[ShySoul]

All your suspicions about this person and her reasons for breaking up are just that... suspicions. You have no way to know. The breakup seemed sudden and in your mind things were okay. So you are reaching for explanations to try and make it make sense. 

You are going through all the standard responses. You are replaying all the nice things you did for her, reassuring yourself you did things right and making sure you didn't miss anything. You remembering things that might have been clues such as her being distant. You are upset with her and her bull**** excuse. You are finding someone else to blame in this guy. And you are still hanging onto hope that it can work out.

Everything you are feeling is exactly what most people in this place would feel.

Her saying she didn't have the same feelings is most likely honest. It's a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes feelings change. You can do everything perfect and the other side may still not feel as you do. It doesn't have to be anyone else or anything else. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be.

Focus on you and working on your own life. If you want to still hold onto hope, hold onto it. It's your feelings, you are entitled to whatever they are. Healing takes time, and the way you heal won't be the same as the way anyone else does. What works for you will be different then what works for others. So listen to what your heart is saying you need.

And at some point I recommend having contact. Perpetual no contact doesn't address things or heal a person. It buries your feelings and runs from them. It can be good short term if you really can't bear being around someone. But at some point I've found it helps to be able to talk to them and at least try to have the person in your life. That shows you truly care for them and your friendship while proving to yourself that you can be around her without it tearing you apart. It shows you are better and have made it through the worse of the pain.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Kdo11 said:

She gave me some bull*** reason saying that I love and adore her so much and she doesn’t have the same feeling

Why is that a BS reason? 

It sounds pretty valid, though I know it hurts. Sometimes these things run their courses and can't be explained by logically. In other words, relationships and feelings don't always follow the trajectory of, "If I do XYZ for her, she will stay with  me."

I am gathering you two have broken up before: 

3 hours ago, Kdo11 said:

She Broke up with me through a text  after a 6 year relationship which honestly it was our 2nd go around.

If that is the case, then it's really time to recognize that this ship has sailed. It wasn't working anymore, for a variety of reasons. Whether or not she is interested in this other guy isn't really the point. It would be symptom of a bigger problem, which was that you two were just not on the same page any longer. 

I would encourage you to take ample time and space away from her so that you can focus on your healing. It will be a process, but you will get there. 

[smackie9]

Sorry but feelings change...you both are obviously different people compared to when you first met. So the loss of feelings can be natural as a summer breeze. It doesn't matter how good of a BF your are, people just grow out of a relationship. Her decision wasn't something that happened overnight....she's been thinking about it for a long time...sometimes it can be a year or more and she may have been conflicted about it. I get it, you are hurt, your ego is bruised, etc. The best thing to do is live your best life and embrace this new chapter...go out and travel, explore, take up a new hobby, hang out with old friends, get going with a new you. 

[ShySoul]

Embrace your feelings, whatever they are. Don't be a new you, just be who you are period. Go out if you want. Stay in if you want. Feel happy, angry, sad... feel and embrace everything. Those emotions are necessary. You learn from them. If you feel something, there is a reason.

Whatever you need to get through the day, it's fine. Moving on isn't simple. It's not quick. It's a journey, not a lightswitch. Don't feel you have to do anything if you aren't ready for it. Trust yourself to know what you need.

Hope you feel better. And hope you do get another chance with her.

[Kdo11]

7 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Sorry but feelings change...you both are obviously different people compared to when you first met. So the loss of feelings can be natural as a summer breeze. It doesn't matter how good of a BF your are, people just grow out of a relationship. Her decision wasn't something that happened overnight....she's been thinking about it for a long time...sometimes it can be a year or more and she may have been conflicted about it. I get it, you are hurt, your ego is bruised, etc. The best thing to do is live your best life and embrace this new chapter...go out and travel, explore, take up a new hobby, hang out with old friends, get going with a new you. 

Yea I get it . Like I mentioned I’m in no contact to help work on myself . Honestly I would love another chance and definitely would be more communicative with her .. My intimacy is there we both just need help with Communication..

[Kdo11]

7 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Embrace your feelings, whatever they are. Don't be a new you, just be who you are period. Go out if you want. Stay in if you want. Feel happy, angry, sad... feel and embrace everything. Those emotions are necessary. You learn from them. If you feel something, there is a reason.

Whatever you need to get through the day, it's fine. Moving on isn't simple. It's not quick. It's a journey, not a lightswitch. Don't feel you have to do anything if you aren't ready for it. Trust yourself to know what you need.

Hope you feel better. And hope you do get another chance with her.

Thank you I hope I do get another chance to fix what ever it was we messed up with

[Andrina]

If you two had issues she wanted fixed and she truly loved you, she would've asked about you two working on those things together instead of bailing. She knows asking for a break up likely spells forever and she was just fine with that. Doesn't that show that she'd lost that loving feeling, just as she explained?

Breakups are always tough. Time and distance will eventually get you through all the needed stages until you get to the healing and moving on part. It's a marathon, not a sprint, so just try to find some bits of joy for yourself every day to get through this. Hang out with guy friends. Try a new recipe. Start a new hobby. Good luck.

[Coily]

I noticed that you mentioned that if you get back together with her you want to go down the matrimony route. DON'T!!!! I had a friend who proposed to his unhappy GF, and they lived for 2 years in abject misery; before completely ending things.

Take this as a new opportunity to find someone who will love you, not do this song and dance. It's  time for you to branch out and rebuild your self esteem.

[Kdo11]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

I noticed that you mentioned that if you get back together with her you want to go down the matrimony route. DON'T!!!! I had a friend who proposed to his unhappy GF, and they lived for 2 years in abject misery; before completely ending things.

Take this as a new opportunity to find someone who will love you, not do this song and dance. It's  time for you to branch out and rebuild your self esteem.

Yea I get it really I do… I think that may be the big reason this happened, I took too long to ask her to marry me.

[catfeeder]

20 hours ago, Kdo11 said:

... I would love another chance and definitely would be more communicative with her .. My intimacy is there we both just need help with Communication..

No, communication wasn't the problem. She specified that she understood 'your' intimacy was there, but she did not match it.

10 minutes ago, Kdo11 said:

Yea I get it really I do… I think that may be the big reason this happened, I took too long to ask her to marry me.

No, that's the opposite of the issue. Your reflex is to assume that you didn't say or do what she needed, but that's not accurate. She clearly told you that she appreciated all your efforts and there was nothing lacking from you--she just didn't match your feelings.

That's not something you can change, with communication or anything else, and I'm sorry.

[Kdo11]

11 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

No, communication wasn't the problem. She specified that she understood 'your' intimacy was there, but she did not match it.

No, that's the opposite of the issue. Your reflex is to assume that you didn't say or do what she needed, but that's not accurate. She clearly told you that she appreciated all your efforts and there was nothing lacking from you--she just didn't match your feelings.

That's not something you can change, with communication or anything else, and I'm sorry.

Yea she said she wasn’t matching my feelings. So that definitely hurts. I just wish I knew if that was part of the issue of not asking her to marry me sooner

[ShySoul]

On 11/29/2024 at 3:15 PM, Kdo11 said:

Yea I get it . Like I mentioned I’m in no contact to help work on myself . Honestly I would love another chance and definitely would be more communicative with her .. My intimacy is there we both just need help with Communication..

Communication was part of this, even if she said she understood your feelings for her. The issue was that you didn't talk about your feelings until it was, apparently, too late. Part of communication is checking in on where the other person is at. You said you noticed her being distant. Did you ask about it? Did you have the meaningful conversations? Doing so regularly is how you catch things when they are small and can be resolved. It lets you course correct and make sure you are each providing the other with what they need. There is never any guarantee it will make things work forever, but it's how you keep on that path. A little communication and maintenance regularly, prevents everything from breaking down.

That's not to say you did anything wrong. It's simply a listen to take going forward, with her or anyone else.

10 hours ago, Kdo11 said:

Yea I get it really I do… I think that may be the big reason this happened, I took too long to ask her to marry me.

Back to communication. Why do you think this? Was she hinting about being married? Had you talked about it together? Why didn't you ask her?

I know it's tough and I'm sorry for how you feel. But these are the kinds of questions to ask yourself. They will help you make sense of what happened and how to prevent these things in the future. 

I hope you are doing okay today. Take it one day at a time. I know how painful it is when someone abruptly decides it's over. That takes time to work through. But know you will be okay. All the nice little things you did for her... you seem like a sweet gentleman. Add in a little more openness with the intimacy and communication, and you should find yourself as an ideal partner for someone out there. Have faith and hang on, you will have an amazing relationship when the time is right.

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, Kdo11 said:

Yea she said she wasn’t matching my feelings. So that definitely hurts. I just wish I knew if that was part of the issue of not asking her to marry me sooner

Even if it was, that ship has sailed now. She doesn't want to continue dating, let alone get married. And for what it's worth, I don't think that was a driving factor in her decision. 

It seems this hadn't been working for quite some time, and she knew she couldn't keep going when she didn't have those feelings for you any longer. It's not easy, but in time, I think you will see that it was for the best.