i have been out of work for a year due to poor mental health. i feel ashamed

[helenwisex]

it’s been a year now since i lost my job at a bank due to having time off for my poor mental health. i had a huge breakdown,  abused drugs (weed, cocaine, alcohol, pills, ketamine, benzos, prescription drugs) mainly at home on my own but also sometimes whilst out with friends. although, sometimes i would abuse the prescription drugs at work to help me actually be able to function at work and get rid of my nausea inducing anxiety i would have constantly. i took out a personal loan with my bank which i’m not in a position to pay back. I have been in A&E 3 times this year for severely self harming myself.

 

i wont go into this too much as this isn’t what this post is about but i was sexually abused my my mothers boyfriend for almost 4 years when i was 16. since then, my mum has spoken to him behind my back numerous times. this time last year, i had found out she was talking to him again and had put me in danger by telling him things that i told her in confidence, this is what led to my breakdown which in turn led to the loss of my job. 

 

right now, i am getting help from the government with money. i feel so ashamed as i never thought it would turn out like this. i was studying IT and wanted a career in IT, this is always something i looked forward to in life. i couldn’t wait to have a good career and be proud of what i do, whilst being financially secure. i was finally starting to feel that way with my job at the bank, until it all fell apart so suddenly. 

 

i’m still trying to learn and find ways i can make money myself. i want to become self employed in web development as i love the creative side of it. i’m currently still learning and trying to find clients. i am currently doing my first website for someone for free and even though im not being paid, it feels so good to actually be doing something which allows me to earn money for myself. and creating things im proud of really helps my self esteem. 

 

i think what hurts its constantly seeing people in my country (UK) commenting about people on government help. i feel too ashamed to see any of my friends right now out of fear they feel the same way about me. do they also think im lazy, just using excuses, just making it all up so i can get money for doing nothing? i think it hurts even more when i see people assume/say these things about people with mental health issues on benefits because that is the complete opposite of what i want. in a perfect world i would be able to get the help i need to become mentally stable enough to have a career. but right now, it seems so out of reach. 

 

the most frustrating part is that for years since i was 16, i have been trying to get help for my mental health. when i was 16, because of the sexual abuse i stopped eating and was being sick every day. i couldn’t keep much down. i got counselling for this & had to be weighed every week & put on ensure. since then, i have had 5 different kinds of counselling/therapy. right now, im finally in trauma therapy, but it isn’t helping as much as i thought it would as we haven’t actually spoken about the trauma yet and ive been doing it for almost a year, it ends in february so im not sure how im going to be able to process all my trauma before then. i need so much more therapy but i just can’t afford it, i know private trauma therapy is so needed. something like EMDR. but i just can’t afford it. it’s a catch 22 because i need the help to be able to be able to work, yet i first need money to get that help. i feel so trapped. 

 

i wish every day i just had a normal life without everything that happened so i would be mentally OK enough to achieve everything i wanted to in life. i don’t have much of a social life, i don’t talk to my friends often because of this deep shame i feel about not doing/achieving everything right now. everyone my age seems to be excelling in their careers, travelling etc. and here i am. i feel so ashamed of myself for not doing much for the past year, i beat myself up over it every day. they say time heals so maybe in time, even without more therapy i will start to feel better.

 

i used to look forward to my future, imagining myself doing well in my career, owning a house, having kids. now i don’t see anything at all. i don’t feel i’ll be able to achieve any of this and i don’t even want kids anymore as i don’t feel i’m mentally stable enough or financially secure enough to be able to provide for them. i’m so incredibly angry and outraged that this one person who came into my life, which was completely out of my control as i had no say in whether he should be in my life, has ruined me as a person and obliterated any dreams i had for my life. on top of that, he destroyed the relationship i had with the one parent i actually have in my life. i will never ever forgive that man for any of this. i hate him. sorry, just ranting now as thinking about it all makes me so angry. 

 

i don’t know what advice you guys could give me, but i’m all ears. i really just don’t know what to do and i especially don’t know what im going to do when my therapy ends.  

[Seraphim]

EMDR saved my life, literally. I would implore you that it is WELL worth the money . Save all that  you can to explore this form of therapy. I am sorry for all that you have suffered. 

[helenwisex]

45 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

EMDR saved my life, literally. I would implore you that it is WELL worth the money . Save all that  you can to explore this form of therapy. I am sorry for all that you have suffered. 

that is so reassuring to hear! i’m so glad it helped you so much. i really hope one day i am in a position to get it!

[ShySoul]

Sorry for everything you've gone through. It's okay to feel sad. You've experienced things no one should have to experience. That takes time to work through and heal. So don't be too hard on yourself.

There is nothing wrong with accepting help - be it from friends, professionals, or the government. Plenty of good, hardworking people struggle to get ahead for reasons outside of their control. That is what government is for, try and equal the playing field and give everyone an opportunity. I've taken unemployment. My mother relies on Social Security. There is nothing bad about taking help when needed. Anyone who complains about it would change their tune if they were in a position to need it. So don't listen to them.

Mental health is also something that still is misunderstood or has a stigma to it. A lot of people don't understand what it feels like. Again, there opinions don't matter. What matters is getting the help you need to feel better about yourself. Your real friends will care about you and want you to be happy, whatever you need to do to get there.

Something I've learned with my mental struggles... there is no normal life. Everyone goes through something that impacts them. We are all messed up in our own way. We are all trying to make the best of things and deal with all the confused emotions inside us. Even the ones who seem to have everything perfect, they are facing doubts and insecurities at times. So don't envy others. Don't compare yourself to others. Just focus on you and finding peace and happiness within yourself and in your life.

As an anti-social introvert, I get wanting to retreat from people. But isolating yourself will make you feel worse. Even if it's just one person, having someone there for you can make you feel better and make all the difference in the world. So trust your friends. Let them be there for you. 

Take it one day at a time. It gets better. And if you need to talk or vent, feel free to. We're here for you.

[SirJumpy]

You're physical and mental health are most important. Don't listen to what others think. Judgemental people aren't with you energy.

Take care of yourself anyway you need to - as long as its safe.

[Andrina]

I'd make a list of life goals and put them in order of hardest down to the easiest to achieve. Then start working on the list, starting with the easiest one. You will begin to feel successful as you complete each task. Reward yourself tangibly in small ways as well, treating yourself in affordable or free ways. 

Look up articles on changing the reel in your mind for the better. Positive self-talk is vital. Take care.

[catfeeder]

On 11/28/2024 at 10:53 AM, helenwisex said:

...i feel too ashamed to see any of my friends right now out of fear they feel the same way about me. do they also think im lazy, just using excuses, just making it all up so i can get money for doing nothing? i think it hurts even more when i see people assume/say these things about people with mental health issues on benefits because that is the complete opposite of what i want. in a perfect world i would be able to get the help i need to become mentally stable enough to have a career. but right now, it seems so out of reach. 

My heart goes out to you, Helen. Why would friends need to know anything about your private financial business? If you want to re-open a door to socializing with them, you can tell them you've been studying web development, and you are open for clients if they'd like to refer anyone. Take pride in your interests and talents. Your time off has been well spent, and you don't deserve any shame for capitalizing on it.

Please don't allow yourself to be conditioned to feel ashamed about this bump in your road. Biased speech that generalizes people on public assistance demonstrates an ignorance that is to be pitied. The most socially advanced countries in the world use public assistance as a norm to uplift their whole population, while unfortunately, in other countries, it is means-tested to the degree that many who struggle still remain ineligible. So, while those who fall through the cracks might resent those who meet the requirements, they don't understand what it's like to be in that person's shoes. Public figures also use cases of fraud for political gain to incite the masses to 'look down' rather than 'look up' to notice who is really ripping them off in terms of taxation and spending.

I'd raise my concerns about not having addressed your trauma with your therapist, and I'd ask for some research and referrals to any resources possible for continued help. Given your incidents of self-harm, consider also contacting a suicide prevention hotline for referrals to local help that is not generally known to the public.

I realize that you can't see far enough ahead to understand the temporary nature of your crisis right now, but given that your heart and desires remain focused on the right road, please trust yourself to 'fly on instruments' during this time. If I could reach out and heal your shame, I would do so, because it doesn't belong to you--it belongs to the man who harmed you. You have every right to own self-respect and self-compassion at this time, and I hope you will write more if it helps.

(((Holding you in my thoughts)))

[Tinydance]

Sorry if this sounds like toxic positivity lol It’s actually never too late to get better and turn your life around. I think most of us have done things we aren't proud of, made mistakes and so on. Nobody is perfect. You were going through a hard time and you hit rock bottom. And I think they say the only way from there is up! Lol 

I think the main thing is you are actually getting help and you realised you can't live like this anymore. I'm not sure how old you are but I don't see why you can't still study IT in the future. Unfortunately it didn't work out with the bank. So maybe think of it as a chapter of your life that's over. You also may not actually be in a mental state to work right now. So don't feel guilty that you're not working if you simply just don't have the capacity right now.

[TeeDee]

Would you be ashamed if you were out of work & hospitalized many times because you had spinal surgery or had cancer?  Of course not.  You were ill, not slacking.  

Cut yourself a break.  Take the small steps you can.  Listen to your doctors & focus on your health & wellbeing 

Do the IT stuff you can as you can.  Having structure & purpose with things you enjoy will help.