26 yrs ago

[Bongo51]

My wife tells me in a misreading of the 9th step of AA and thought she had to make direct amends to me, not reading the part “unless this would injure them..” meaning significant others like me.   She revealed that during our first three months of dating, having lots of sex and exchanging vows of love that she continued to screw her two other lovers. One that her creepy first husband encouraged her to *** after he propositioned her at  work which last two years and the other a fellow musician in town that I despised and ended up giving me herpes.  I don’t care how anyone man or woman decides to conduct their sex life but I’m angry that she took my choices away from me to stay, wear a condom or break it off which is what I would have done.  I’m glad I didn’t because once I moved in she got rid of them and has been great for 26 years, 23 of it married.  A lot hurt of pride and ego in there  mixed with the total disillusionment of the little romance/courtship I had created in my head.  How do i get over it and worse yet get the graphic movies in my head to diminish?  
 
I feel like an idiot because I wasn’t even aware.  She beside herself with remorse and it’s real.  She’s not the same woman she was that summer in 98 but she has a severe drinking and mental health issues to address in treatment and I don’t want to impede her recovery.   Anyway pity party over but any constructive advice is appreciated 

[shouldhavelearned]

Wow, what a story and strip of the soul 

Hope you're okay 

[ShySoul]

I saw an article awhile back about a man who found out his partner was cheating on him. He didn't say anything to her, waited for her to tell him. He realized that whatever happened, he still loved her and wanted to be with her. She stopped the affair but didn't tell him about it. Think it was at least a decade later before she came clean. He was hurt, but didn't harbor a grudge. He saw that while she was wrong and made a mistake, she ultimately came back to him, choose him over the other person.

People do wrong things. They make mistakes. We are human. But she stopped. She came clean. She choose you and built a wonderful life together. Holding onto the past will only ruin the present and prevent a great future. Realize that for all the times she was with someone else, there are years of her being faithful to you.

By all means, feel betrayed. Express that to her. It's okay to take time to heal. It's fine if she needs to gain back some trust. But try to approach this with love and understanding. Work together and communicate what you are going through as you try to work this out in your head and heart. 

Now you at least know the truth. You can have a relationship with no secrets, no guilt. You can work through it and comes to terms with it instead of living in ignorance. And that can make your relationship stronger, knowing you are able to work through anything.

Hope you are okay. Wishing the best for both of you.

 

[Bongo51]

Thanks

[Andrina]

10 hours ago, Bongo51 said:

How do i get over it and worse yet get the graphic movies in my head to diminish?  

Well, it's not clear if you told her that in the future you'd prefer she not tell you similar things, do so now to prevent more of what you're going through now.

As for your thoughts being unpleasant about those things now, only time will lessen the blow and ruminating. When you begin picturing those things, redirect your mind to other thoughts. Maybe give yourself a silent pep talk, i.e, "90 days I'd rather not think about. More importantly, what fun project/activity can I plan for my next day off?"

Self-talk is a control we all possess to make things palatable or better. I've had to practice that myself, mostly to stop beating myself up for past mistakes I can't change.

Good luck.

[smackie9]

This is why I tell people don't impose the pain of your own guilt onto others. IMO it's selfish. It can tear families apart, ruin marriages, friendships, etc. I'm so sorry you are going through this...it changes everything you thought you have ever known. Devastating. I say take some time out, leave town, refresh, do some soul searching, talk to some old friends. Clear your head, do some self care.