Can’t move on from my ex

[Looktothesky]

I love her more than anyone else in the world, or that’s how I feel at least.
 

I had a cancer scare this fall and after consideration/determining that it was indeed cancer I felt like I should let her know. It didn’t really hit me until after we met up for dinner how much I was hoping, or expecting even, for this to lead to some kind of reconciliation. All it really lead to was a few texts from her asking for any updates. For now I’m in the clear from the cancer and haven’t been hearing from her really. I have an overwhelming feeling of things being left unsaid. I want to tell her how I really feel and how much I have regretted ending things earlier this year, before the diagnosis and especially since. I did not get the vibe that it was the time when we met in person for dinner that time. We haven’t seen each other since. How do I let go of this deep gut feeling that there is unfinished business? She is the only person I want to be with.

[ShySoul]

First, glad you are cancer free. Your health is most important. Take care of yourself and hopefully this will be the last you have to deal with it. As for this person...

Finish the story.

I have been the person to leave things unsaid. I have cared for someone and wanted to say what was in my heart only to not say it. I lost my chance and eventually lost contact with them. Now I have to live wondering what could have happened. I'll never know. I still think of them at times. Those moments are the only real regrets I have.

On the other hand, when I've followed my heart and said things to a someone, I've always felt better in the end. Even when it hasn't lead to where I wanted, it was still good for me to get it out there. It was a weight off my chest. I good resolve things in my own head, know that I tired my best. There was closure. I didn't have to wonder about unfinished business.

You had a taumatic experience that has caused you to evaluate what you want in life. You've realized that life is short and can be taken in a moment. So pursue what you want, what will make you happy. If that is her, you need to say something. Otherwise these feelings will weigh on you.

Don't expect anything. Be okay with the idea that it may not work. Reconnect and see if she is willing to stay in touch. If you do say something, make clear how you feel, but don't pressure her or make it seem like you are pushing for anything she doesn't want. Just say you regret how things ended and that you needed to talk to her about it. See how she feels and take it from there. Maybe you can start over. Maybe you can be friends. Maybe that will be the last time you talk. Who knows? Regardless, you'll feel better for saying it and that will help you begin to heal and move on.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Looktothesky said:

I want to tell her how I really feel and how much I have regretted ending things earlier this year, before the diagnosis and especially since. I did not get the vibe that it was the time when we met in person for dinner that time.

I've looked at your prior posts to try to get an idea of why the two of you broke up, but you've only posted something vague about not being able to give her what she needs.

Why, exactly, did you first break up, and who initiated the breakup?

What did you have in mind for couples counseling to resolve that it did not?

What prompted you to end your reconciliation earlier this year?

 

[shouldhavelearned]

All you can do is move on

Whether young or old, it's tough

[ShySoul]

Trust your instincts. Go with your heart.

We feel what we feel. If we aren't ready to move on, we shouldn't force it. We feel that way for a reason. Figure out the reason and do what you feel you need to do. Unless she is in a relationship (which would place her off limits), then there is a chance. And a chance is worth fighting for.

[smackie9]

If she was interested she would have reached out more, made excuses to talk to you, maybe suggest meeting up afterwards...but she didn't...she supported you like a friend that is all. Now that you are in great health, she doesn't see any other reason to keep in contact with you. I know those strong feelings...they make you see things that are not there, but you keep looking harder, hoping, wanting. I say it's time to give yourself some time to move on. 

[ShySoul]

Depending on what happened, she may have stayed away because she was following the same no contact idea that is always recommended, only breaking it because it was a life and death matter. Or she could have simply been busy. No way to know.

She's going to respond how she responds. Accept whatever it is. This is about you clearing out your feelings and doing what you feel in your heart you need to do.

[Looktothesky]

On 11/27/2024 at 10:17 PM, catfeeder said:

I've looked at your prior posts to try to get an idea of why the two of you broke up, but you've only posted something vague about not being able to give her what she needs.

Why, exactly, did you first break up, and who initiated the breakup?

What did you have in mind for couples counseling to resolve that it did not?

What prompted you to end your reconciliation earlier this year?

 

Sorry for the delay, I hadn’t felt up to typing things up with the holiday and everything.

The first breakup you’re probably referring to was initiated by her. We had just moved into a new apt together.  I guess what had started it was that she posted a story on instagram on the anniversary of the death of an ex boyfriend about him. I felt very insecure about that but didn’t say anything until it was too late, which led to us having a not-great time at a wedding and then breaking up.

If I remember correctly, this would actually be our third separation. For the previous two times, I believe the first may have been initiated by me, the second by her. I guess all of these times the underlying cause has been my habit of holding things like that in because I don’t want to confront it.

What we had in mind for couples counseling was to discuss and get closure on the most recent apartment breakup since that was kind of seismic. That led to us reconciling last fall. But early this year, I couldn’t ignore the fact that my own issues were still weighing on the relationship.
 

She called me early one morning saying she was going to the hospital because of something strange going on with her. I was having trouble dealing with my own plate at the time and I wasn’t able to support her in the way that she has always supported me. It was too much for me to deal with.

In addition to that, I was having trouble dealing with the sort of grey area we were in as far as relationship status. We were both still on dating apps at that time. And I was feeling myself pulled towards the draw of casual relationships and pursuing those. The guilt from all of this was just too much for me to deal with so I made the decision to end things not long after.

Since then I feel like the world has stood still for me. I have improved a bit as far as taking care of myself and managing my depression. I’ve dated but found the process very discouraging. I’ve yet to meet anyone who makes me feel like how I felt when we started talking. By now I can’t even bother to care enough to even try. I have a gut feeling that she is the person for me and vice versa. I think that’s what makes it so hard right now is feeling like I’m slowly realizing that was all just fantasy. When I was dealing with the cancer stuff it felt like an inevitability that we would be able to reconcile

 

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, Looktothesky said:

 this would actually be our third separation.

When a relationship is this on-off, eventually the merry-go-round grinds to a final halt. 

This isn't about unfinished business between the two of you. It's about unfinished business inside yourself. It's about an unwillingness to accept that someone isn't right for you, and a fear of letting go of what's familiar. It's what keeps many people stuck in dysfunctional relationships - sometimes for years, or even a lifetime. 

Once you get past the fear that there is nobody else for you, you will eventually see that she wasn't the one for you, either. 

I hope you're on the path to clean health too. 

[Looktothesky]

Ok thanks

[TeeDee]

Congrats on being cancer free.  I'm sorry you are disappointed that you & your EX didn't reconcile but honestly you two do NOT belong together.   There were too many break ups & too many missed opportunities.  When you were together you two were not good for each other.  Because you are alone & feeling vulnerable after your cancer scare you are overly romanticizing your relationship.  You have made it out to be something wonderful when in reality when you were together it wasn't that great.  You took each other for granted.  You squabbled.  You were insecure.  You didn't make each other a priority. 

Just stop.  Engage in better self talk.  Remember the good times but stop glossing over all the bad stuff that lead to all the break ups.  

Remind yourself that you have a new lease on life & go find the person who is your future.  Leave the past behind you.  

[catfeeder]

On 12/4/2024 at 6:12 PM, Looktothesky said:

the anniversary of the death of an ex boyfriend about him. I felt very insecure about that but didn’t say anything until it was too late, which led to us having a not-great time at a wedding and then breaking up.

You're still not being clear. Did you pick a wedding to bring this up? What, exactly, did you say or do, and what was her response to that? Did this result in a scene at the wedding? How did this culminate in a breakup, and who moved out?

Quote

If I remember correctly, this would actually be our third separation. For the previous two times, I believe the first may have been initiated by me, the second by her. I guess all of these times the underlying cause has been my habit of holding things like that in because I don’t want to confront it.

Not a great track record, and 'confront' is a strong word. What happens when you raise the things you hold onto? Are you accusatory when you raise them? Does she grow exhausted by a continual need to keep defending herself?

If you had an opportunity to handle these things differently, what would you do?

Quote

What we had in mind for couples counseling was to discuss and get closure on the most recent apartment breakup since that was kind of seismic. That led to us reconciling last fall. But early this year, I couldn’t ignore the fact that my own issues were still weighing on the relationship.

What was the closure, and what did you learn from it? How did this lead to reconciliation? What were the issues still weighing on the relationship?

Quote

She called me early one morning saying she was going to the hospital because of something strange going on with her. I was having trouble dealing with my own plate at the time and I wasn’t able to support her in the way that she has always supported me. It was too much for me to deal with.

What does this mean? What did she want you to say or do that you believed you could not say or do?

Quote

In addition to that, I was having trouble dealing with the sort of grey area we were in as far as relationship status. We were both still on dating apps at that time. And I was feeling myself pulled towards the draw of casual relationships and pursuing those. The guilt from all of this was just too much for me to deal with so I made the decision to end things not long after.

Are you saying that after all this and having her back you still didn't appreciate her enough to want to give up casual dating?

Quote

Since then I feel like the world has stood still for me. I have improved a bit as far as taking care of myself and managing my depression. I’ve dated but found the process very discouraging. I’ve yet to meet anyone who makes me feel like how I felt when we started talking. By now I can’t even bother to care enough to even try. I have a gut feeling that she is the person for me and vice versa. I think that’s what makes it so hard right now is feeling like I’m slowly realizing that was all just fantasy. When I was dealing with the cancer stuff it felt like an inevitability that we would be able to reconcile.

Sounds like you only want her when she's gone. Consider reading up on the term 'dance away lover'.

[Looktothesky]

19 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

You're still not being clear. Did you pick a wedding to bring this up? What, exactly, did you say or do, and what was her response to that? Did this result in a scene at the wedding? How did this culminate in a breakup, and who moved out?

Not a great track record, and 'confront' is a strong word. What happens when you raise the things you hold onto? Are you accusatory when you raise them? Does she grow exhausted by a continual need to keep defending herself?

If you had an opportunity to handle these things differently, what would you do?

What was the closure, and what did you learn from it? How did this lead to reconciliation? What were the issues still weighing on the relationship?

What does this mean? What did she want you to say or do that you believed you could not say or do?

Are you saying that after all this and having her back you still didn't appreciate her enough to want to give up casual dating?

Sounds like you only want her when she's gone. Consider reading up on the term 'dance away lover'.

1. Did not bring it up at the wedding but I let it affect my actions there ie) not being talkative and in a bad mood/not saying why. Then a few days later I brought up why I had been upset. The fact that I had held onto it so long and (with hindsight I can unfortunately see/say that I) punished her for it caused the breakup since that has been kinda a recurring problem for me. She stayed with a friend down the street while we dealt with breaking the lease.

2. I wouldn’t say accusatory but it probably comes off that way. From my perspective it is something I’ve been afraid to bring up. But when it festers that long and then comes out I seee how it could come off accusatory no matter how it is delivered in the momen. So yes, probably grown exhausted. If I had an opportunity to do it differently I would have brought up why I was upset that day. I felt ashamed for being so insecure as to feel hurt by what she did

3. I think that we learned that we both have certain baggage that was brought to the table that caused these frictions. That we had a combination of a more “anxious” attachment style (her) and a more “anxious-avoidant” type (me), but that ultimately we both felt the same about each other. This led to us doing some lowkey dates which went well.

4. Well she had called me early in the morning as I was getting ready for work. I tried to muster up as much support as I could and landed somewhere around the support you’d offer a coworker you’re not close with. And she did bring up later in therapy that she was expecting a little more support in that situation. I feel like the bare minimum would be taking a half day and waiting with her but I couldn’t even do that.

5. Correct. In reconciling we had a discussion that we would keep things lowkey and see how it goes. So we never really had a conversation about going back to being exclusive. At that point I was still on dating apps out of some kind of compulsion or probably a lack of self-esteem. I wasn’t treating it with any kind of seriousness. Seeing her on there hurt me but then I was doing the same thing. When I think back on that time I was talking to someone who raised a good many red flags but who I was very attracted to. I found myself thinking about all this from a not-great mindset where hooking up with her would be some kind of conquest that would be evidence for me me that I am attractive, due to how conventionally attractive she was. Nevermind that she was almost certainly a not-great person.

All I’m getting from searching that term is song lyrics. I have to imagine it is somewhat tied to what you see when you read about “anxious avoidant attachment”

[Looktothesky]

Well I texted her to let her know how I felt earlier this week. She said at this time she doesn’t want to change how our relationship is. I’ve been dealing with that ok but then tonight I came across her profile on a dating app again and I’m wishing that I was dead

[MissCanuck]

I am sorry you didn't get the answer you were hoping for, OP. 

And I know it must hurt a lot to have seen her on a dating app. This is the worst part of a break-up, feeling like the other one is really gone and also looking for love again. It might be time for you to come off the app for a while and simply work on healing.