Bf and ex girlfriend?

[MariaHelenaGina]

My bf met his ex today at university.  Had I never spotted him, I would have never known. I saw him from a distance, standing there alone at first, looking distracted as usual. He was scrolling through his phone, waiting for our mutual friend but . He’s been distant but then, she appeared. The moment she walked into view, I could see the change in him, subtle but unmistakable. His body stiffened slightly, he looked at her walking towards him and immediately looked back on his phone,  probably trying to act like he didn’t notice her. He’s always been careful around her, trying to mask whatever he’s feeling, but she walked past him asking someone from IT about issues with her laptop.

Then she walked past him and asked for our mutual friend who is also in IT. However,  as she was waiting, our mutual went to my boyfriend and they hugged. That was when everything shifted. My bf, who had just pretended to be on the phone after seeing her, turned to look directly at her, and it wasn’t just a glance—it was a lingering, deliberate gaze. He was aware of her presence all along. Why didn’t he just keep to himself?

Our friend went to her and my bf also walked with him. She saw my bf , smiled and said "hi," and he smiled, nodded softly, and then.he kept looking at her. Even after the greeting, he couldn’t tear his eyes away from her, as she was telling our friend the issue, he just kept looking at her. Until she asked if they were going out, friend said yes and she asked them to go and have a good time together and my bf was still looking at her, she looked back at him, he lowered his head and smiled at her.

I dont understand why suddenly give her attention when he had avoided interaction when he was alone? He was continously looking at her while she was talking and the way they subtly acknowledged each other without a word was infuriating.

I remembered the stories his guy best friend told me about her, though never in much detail. She was someone he wanted deeply. How it was love at first sight for him, how she was the love of his life, when he met her, all he did was talk about her and he had even imagined their wedding,  kids etc.

I ve done everything I could think of—I’ve tried new makeup, changed my style, and even pushed him to come and visit me even though he did tell me he didnt want to socialise. I have tried new things in bed with him. We had a huge fight when he refused to visit me 3 weeks ago. I had visited him in his city and then asked him to come after i returned but he didn't and we ended up fighting.

? Do I confront him? Pretend I didn’t see any of this?

What is going on here?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[MariaHelenaGina]

Pls reply

[shouldhavelearned]

You're in college 

Sounds like different cities 

Be careful 

[MariaHelenaGina]

3 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

You're in college 

Sounds like different cities 

Be careful 

What do you mean?

[rainbowsandroses]

Hello @MariaHelenaGina and welcome.

I'm so sorry to tell you this and of course it's just my opinion but it appears your boyfriend still harbors strong feelings for his ex and perhaps always will. 😞

All your efforts, everything you're doing to try and get him to "see" you, to love you etc are a waste of time; no matter how hard you try you simply cannot force a man (him) to love you.

Regardless of whether he's in love with someone else or not.

This is true for anyone. 

If me I would not confront him other than to say you're tired of feeling like you're second best or some sort of placeholder, and that you're done. 

Wish him well and walk away, end the relationship.  It doesn't sound like him or the relationship are making you happy anyway, is it?  Sounds like quite the opposite.

Do you think you can do that? 

[MariaHelenaGina]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hello @MariaHelenaGina and welcome.

I'm so sorry to tell you this and of course it's just my opinion but it appears your boyfriend still harbors strong feelings for his ex and perhaps always will. 😞

All your efforts, everything you're doing to try and get him to "see" you, to love you etc are a waste of time; no matter how hard you try you simply cannot force a man (him) to love you.

Regardless of whether he's in love with someone else or not.

This is true for anyone. 

If me I would not confront him other than to say you're tired of feeling like you're second best or some sort of placeholder, and that you're done. 

Wish him well and walk away, end the relationship.  It doesn't sound like him or the relationship are making you happy anyway, is it?  Sounds like quite the opposite.

Do you think you can do that? 

But why would you say he still harbours strong feelings for his ex??

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, MariaHelenaGina said:

But why would you say he still harbours strong feelings for his ex??

From everything you have posted, my sense of it anyway.  I'm pretty perceptive about such things. I don't need things spelled out. 

How he behaves and reacts towards her, and how he neglects you, I mean he cannot even manage a visit, it's fairly obvious what's going on here.  Imo.

Isn't that what you also believe?  Why did you create this thread if you yourself were not concerned about it and suspected it? 

Your own thread title strongly suggests at the very least, you are concerned that he still harbors feelings for her. 

[MariaHelenaGina]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

From everything you have posted, my sense of it anyway.  I'm pretty perceptive about such things. I don't need things spelled out. 

How he behaves and reacts towards her, and how he neglects you, I mean he cannot even manage a visit, it's fairly obvious what's going on here. 

Isn't that what you also believe?  Why did you create this thread if you yourself were not concerned about it and suspected it? 

Your own thread title strongly suggests at the very least, you are concerned that he still harbors feelings for her. 

But did he not avoid her when he was alone like how he saw her and looked immediately on his phone before they interacted??

 

Yes I told him to come 3 weeks ago but he didn't. He came when he felt like anx otherwise I have to visit him

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, MariaHelenaGina said:

But did he not avoid her when he was alone like how he saw her and looked immediately on his phone before they interacted??

 

Yes I told him to come 3 weeks ago but he didn't. He came when he felt like anx otherwise I have to visit him

That's fine, I'm not gonna debate with you about it @MariaHelenaGina, you asked what was going on, I gave my opinion.

Perhaps others will chime in with opinions more to your liking; in any event good luck. 😀

 

 

[TeeDee]

1 hour ago, MariaHelenaGina said:

I ve done everything I could think of—I’ve tried new makeup, changed my style, and even pushed him to come and visit me even though he did tell me he didnt want to socialise. I have tried new things in bed with him. We had a huge fight when he refused to visit me 3 weeks ago. I had visited him in his city and then asked him to come after i returned but he didn't and we ended up fighting.

? Do I confront him? Pretend I didn’t see any of this?

What is going on here?

I think you may be overreacting but jealousy can have that effect.  He tried to ignore her.  That is a good sign. 

When he was confronted with her he couldn't ignore her so he was polite.  Being polite is another good thing.  It shows he's civil, mature & has manners.  

You are trying to discern meaning from glances.  You don't really know he wasn't thinking "OMG what did I ever see in her?" 

You do have to talk to him.  Don't "confront" him. You coming at him guns blazing won't solve anything.  Tell him what you observed & how it made you feel.  Guage his reaction. 

The idea twisting & turning -- new make-up, new style, new sexual things -- all to keep his interest is bad.  You need to be able to be your authentic self in a healthy relationship.  It doesn't sound like your needs are being met.   Then the Q becomes why do you stay if the relationship is not making you happy & fulfilled?  Don't tell me it's 'cause you love him.  There has to be more to it. 

[MariaHelenaGina]

35 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

I think you may be overreacting but jealousy can have that effect.  He tried to ignore her.  That is a good sign. 

When he was confronted with her he couldn't ignore her so he was polite.  Being polite is another good thing.  It shows he's civil, mature & has manners.  

You are trying to discern meaning from glances.  You don't really know he wasn't thinking "OMG what did I ever see in her?" 

You do have to talk to him.  Don't "confront" him. You coming at him guns blazing won't solve anything.  Tell him what you observed & how it made you feel.  Guage his reaction. 

The idea twisting & turning -- new make-up, new style, new sexual things -- all to keep his interest is bad.  You need to be able to be your authentic self in a healthy relationship.  It doesn't sound like your needs are being met.   Then the Q becomes why do you stay if the relationship is not making you happy & fulfilled?  Don't tell me it's 'cause you love him.  There has to be more to it. 

He didnt need to be polite. He could have easily excused himself or looked away from her. She wasnt even talking to him. I wrote he didnt glance at her. He was looking at her throughout

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, MariaHelenaGina said:

Do I confront him? Pretend I didn’t see any of this?

What is going on here?

No. Policing someone on how they cross paths with an ex on campus is controlling and demeaning. It would not reflect well on you.

What was going on there with you? On one hand, it sounds like you were observing from afar, but then, how did you hear their conversations?

If you want to make any problems you have with this guy about his ex, you can do that, but it sounds as though he's not treating you as you wish. You can't argue him into doing that if he doesn't want to. One's treatment of me tells me all I need to know, and if I don't like it, I walk away.

[ShySoul]

How long ago was the relationship? How long were they together?

When you care about someone, those feelings don't disappear. You can't just forget a person, pretend that they didn't mean anything to you. A part of them stays in your heart. You will always love them, even if that love is just a friendship or a memory.

This doesn't mean he cares for you any less. This doesn't mean you aren't enough or have done something wrong. It is possible to separate your feelings for people, see an ex as someone you have fond memories with while building new memories with the person you are currently with. 

I once viewed someone as the love of my life. I was crazy for her. If I saw her today, years later, I would still love her and my heart would skip a beat. But I'd be able to realize it wasn't meant to be. And if I had a relationship, I would put all my energy into making that relationship work.

7 hours ago, MariaHelenaGina said:

I ve done everything I could think of—I’ve tried new makeup, changed my style, and even pushed him to come and visit me even though he did tell me he didnt want to socialise. I have tried new things in bed with him. We had a huge fight when he refused to visit me 3 weeks ago. I had visited him in his city and then asked him to come after i returned but he didn't and we ended up fighting.

Relationships are about feelings. You can't fix a problem with things like makeup and style. You need to talk and get to the root of things, how you are each feeling. You need to reach a place of understanding each other, figure out what is missing and what you can each do to help bridge the gap.

Healthy relationships involve talking and communication. It doesn't involve jealousy or pushing someone to do something they don't want to do. You need to work together to sort out your feelings and what you both want from each other.

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, MariaHelenaGina said:

He didnt need to be polite. He could have easily excused himself or looked away from her. She wasnt even talking to him. I wrote he didnt glance at her. He was looking at her throughout

Do you really want him to not be polite? If you were in this girls shoes, how would you feel if someone you once cared for acted like they didn't know you? How would you feel if one day acted like that to you?

Wouldn't you prefer he be the kind of guy that is polite and respectful to everyone, even those he once was involved with? That shows a guy who is mature and would make a better partner.

As for looking at her in depth, how long had it been? Seeing someone out of the blue that you cared for can bring back a wave of emotions. It can put you out of yourself, bring you back to the old days. The old feelings can come rushing back. But it can be a momentary relapse. A person isn't who they are in one moment. They are the person they've been the entire time. We all have bad moments, moments we do things we shouldn't. It's the pattern that counts most. So who is he overall? Does he treat you well? Does he show you he loves you?

Focus less on outsiders and more on what is happening between the two of you. Talk. Communicate. Figure out what is happening between the two of you and how to handle things between you.

 

[SophiaG]

Just based on your observation I don't think anyone can definitively tell what he was thinking as your description sounds highly subjective. However, isn't this the same guy who took inappropriate photos with another girl who posted those on her social media? And he got suspended from school but wouldn't visit you?

He clearly gave you enough reasons to feel insecure and unloved in the relationship. Does it matter whether it's because of his ex or this other girl, or he simply doesn't love you (enough)? I would focus on your studies and finding someone who can fulfill your needs instead of spending time stalking/observing him from afar, analyzing his eye movements, or trying new tricks to seduce him. You cannot - and should not - force someone to love you.

[MissCanuck]

Oh, boy. This again? 

Every few months we get another version of the same story, usually under different usernames. This thread is going to go around in circles just like the previous ones. 

[MariaHelenaGina]

1 hour ago, SophiaG said:

Just based on your observation I don't think anyone can definitively tell what he was thinking as your description sounds highly subjective. However, isn't this the same guy who took inappropriate photos with another girl who posted those on her social media? And he got suspended from school but wouldn't visit you?

He clearly gave you enough reasons to feel insecure and unloved in the relationship. Does it matter whether it's because of his ex or this other girl, or he simply doesn't love you (enough)? I would focus on your studies and finding someone who can fulfill your needs instead of spending time stalking/observing him from afar, analyzing his eye movements, or trying new tricks to seduce him. You cannot - and should not - force someone to love you.

Yes

[MariaHelenaGina]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Do you really want him to not be polite? If you were in this girls shoes, how would you feel if someone you once cared for acted like they didn't know you? How would you feel if one day acted like that to you?

Wouldn't you prefer he be the kind of guy that is polite and respectful to everyone, even those he once was involved with? That shows a guy who is mature and would make a better partner.

As for looking at her in depth, how long had it been? Seeing someone out of the blue that you cared for can bring back a wave of emotions. It can put you out of yourself, bring you back to the old days. The old feelings can come rushing back. But it can be a momentary relapse. A person isn't who they are in one moment. They are the person they've been the entire time. We all have bad moments, moments we do things we shouldn't. It's the pattern that counts most. So who is he overall? Does he treat you well? Does he show you he loves you?

Focus less on outsiders and more on what is happening between the two of you. Talk. Communicate. Figure out what is happening between the two of you and how to handle things between you.

 

Did you even read what I wrote?  

He is used to ignoring people directly when he doesn't like them. So he doesn't care about being polite

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, MariaHelenaGina said:

Did you even read what I wrote?  

He is used to ignoring people directly when he doesn't like them. So he doesn't care about being polite

You're assuming.  And it's contextual -would he care about being polite if it was his boss he crossed paths with? 

[ShySoul]

7 hours ago, MariaHelenaGina said:

Did you even read what I wrote?  

He is used to ignoring people directly when he doesn't like them. So he doesn't care about being polite

Yes, I read it multiple times. You indicated he tried to ignore her at first. You didn't say how he is in general.

Seeing someone you weren't expected can cause different reactions. Maybe he was uncomfortable so tried to pretend he didn't notice her because of nerves. But when a friend was there, he felt he had cover. The conversation wasn't one on one so was less awkward. Then he decided to be polite.

I'd be more concerned if he didn't care to be polite. What does that say about him? That he will ignore people and is only focused on himself? That's not a sign of a healthy person or a good partner.

I think you've made up your mind about this already and are seeking confirmation. You are having problems which is causing anxiety. So you are jealous of him talking to her. You see her as a threat so are going to read into this whatever is actually there. It's easier to focus your attention on her then on the other issues in the relationship. 

We can't tell what he was thinking. Neither can you. The only one who knows is him. The only way you can figure it out is to talk to him. 

Focus on the two of you. Communicate with each other. Whatever issues are happening, the only way to resolve things is together.

[smackie9]

Talking him about it is waste, he's gonna lie to protect your feelings. He's a guy, he's gonna keep looking even tho he is dating you. It was a private moment you caught him in. I'm sure my husband takes a gander at other ladies but he doesn't do it around me and I'm good with that. Whatever goes on in ones head, is truly no one's business. If he has some residual feelings for her, that's pretty normal...in fact it can go on for years. I don't know why you knock yourself out to please this guy...if you are not getting results, your next move is to punt him to the curb. He's not the one for you period. So stop fighting it...

[ShySoul]

Not all guys lie about looking. And not all guys will look at other women. 

People aren't interchangable. Not everyone follows the same patterns and behaviors. And people and relationships are worth more then a dismissal. 

If you want things to work out between you, you both have to be willing to try. So focus on what is really happening between the two of you.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

And not all guys will look at other women. 

Yes and same for women -we don't all check out hot men.  But the other day had my husband observed my behavior in our building's fitness room - this is all hypothetical! - he trusts me to the ends of the earth same for me. I was definitely looking over (more than for a second -but not "staring") at the much younger, muscular good looking tall man working out.  Why? Because I wanted to make sure at times if he was going to use the equipment to my right or left while I was on the treadmill as I often mask intermittently when that happens.  Not to check him out -but to an outsider who was looking on -it's all glass -easy to see - it could have looked like me- an older woman -was checking out hot gym guy.  I am not a person who stares or checks anyone out - it's rude for one thing and no interest for another.  Subtly -yes sure if I think the person is a celebrity I might.  Female or male.  But keep in mind you're analyzing this in a way that makes me wonder if you trust your bf generally.

[MariaHelenaGina]

7 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Yes, I read it multiple times. You indicated he tried to ignore her at first. You didn't say how he is in general.

Seeing someone you weren't expected can cause different reactions. Maybe he was uncomfortable so tried to pretend he didn't notice her because of nerves. But when a friend was there, he felt he had cover. The conversation wasn't one on one so was less awkward. Then he decided to be polite.

I'd be more concerned if he didn't care to be polite. What does that say about him? That he will ignore people and is only focused on himself? That's not a sign of a healthy person or a good partner.

I think you've made up your mind about this already and are seeking confirmation. You are having problems which is causing anxiety. So you are jealous of him talking to her. You see her as a threat so are going to read into this whatever is actually there. It's easier to focus your attention on her then on the other issues in the relationship. 

We can't tell what he was thinking. Neither can you. The only one who knows is him. The only way you can figure it out is to talk to him. 

Focus on the two of you. Communicate with each other. Whatever issues are happening, the only way to resolve things is together.

So instead of making sure that he had nothing woth her, he decides to join their convo, keep staring at her and then smiling unnecessarily just to be polite? His entire body language had changed. If he was uncomfortable,  the discomfort would still be visible even with friend. He was not. He became completely open and relaxed and directly noticed her. He could have excused himself or stood away from them or simply left without acknowledging her. 

He flat out ignores people in front of us when he's not talking to them

[ShySoul]

You don't need to defend or explain yourself. You clearly have a view on what you think is going on and what he is thinking. You know him best, so trust yourself. You asked for possible explanations, so we are providing that from our perspective. 

The issue here goes deeper then this one time. He has taken pictures with women before. You said he was touchy with them. Based on that and things going on between the two of you, you are reacting in fear, jealousy and anger. You believe you know what he is doing and are upset because he didn't act like you wanted him to act. And that's understandable.

Arguing with us, trying to find excuses or justifications, finding fault with him or the girl, dressing sex... none of that is going to solve the real problems between the two of you. If you want to fix this, you need to talk it out and work together. You need to both be honest with each other and communicate. If either of you can't do that, then you will just continue the same pattern of a damaged relationship with no trust, hurting both of you in the process. That pain isn't worth it.