He was a married womans other man when he met me

[anonynomonus]

So rewind 15 months. I was 8 months pregnant when my partner of 4 years snapped at me and showed me a side of him that i had never seen before, and ive seen that side regularly since. 

I felt like he had stopped "pretending" to be the nice guy that he wanted me to like when we started dating. 

We werent having a lot of sex. And after the baby we were both depressed. I started to think he was cheating. So i went through his phone. 

I found old screenshots of messages between him and his old married girlfriend. He said things like "no matter what you choose to do, you will always have a piece of my heart". And she said things like "im falling in love with you too and these last 10 months have been amazing, but i cant just leave my husband of 6 years i should give my marriage another go". 

My partner had just said about running out of storage and i had said to clean up screenshots he didnt need etc... he said he had went through everything and needed every one he had saved. so i was very hurt that he has saved these, hes with me. 

He was with her when we met, but obviously it was a secret relationship so i never knew about it. Their last correspndance was 1st september 2021, but there was no break up messages etc, just nothing. He deleted his whatsapp convsersation but there were thousands of instagram dms. 

He is very smart, so if they didnt actually break up, i would never find out. He would just have gotten better at hiding it. 

They did things like him texting her pretending to be a dental reminder to meet up... morning phonecalls, work lunch dates, sneaking around to b&bs and having sex at his house. 

He always says to me about how much he hates cheaters, but he jumped right into the middle of a marriage and felt nothing? He rode bikes with the couple and went for coffees, with the husband right there! 

I dont trust that version of him, the one i love would never do that to me... but the angry one that snaps at me certainly could. 

I want to tell the husband what went on. They got away with it, he caught them but they were able to convince him it was just two coffee dates, no sex... when it was a love affair that lasted at least 10 months. But that would be to get back at who he was (hopefully was and not is), and her for being jealous of how much he adored her.

I feel like his second choice. 

I feel like he might do that to me. Because his lack of empathy and integrity was right when we met, he cant blame that on being young and making mistakes! 

If she still has a piece of his heart, how can he take all of mine? 

He has a secret porn folder in his incognito mode called "settings"... why hide that from me? I know guys watch porn and i have no problem with it and i told him that. 

He uses our child as an excuse for not having regular sex, but even when we do have sex its like its changed. The passion and intimacy just doesnt feel the same, ive tried so many ways and read so many articles on how to get that back. 

I opened his phone and his porn folder said "one new bookmark added today" after 3 weeks of no sex... i asked him did he have a wank today and he said no, i pushed because he is very good at lying, but still no honesty. 

I cant ask him about this other woman and what happened, and how he feels about her. But what else can i do to cope? We're engaged with a 14 month old so i cant just leave and i actually want this to work. 

But he white lies about his past so much that i dont know how to build a future. 

How can he have fallen in love with a married woman, surely he should have been able to see that someone who can treat their own husband like that doesnt deserve your love? And why did he choosento get involved in the marriage? Their first messages he asked if she was married and she said yes but its complicated, so we should keep things quiet, and he said something like "yeah i'm an adult i wont say anything". And then after months he whined about it being too hard not being able to kiss her and hold her hand in public. 

I want to trust him

God i do

But something in the pit of my stomach is screaming at me.

[catfeeder]

I’m sorry he’s turning nasty. The scream from the pit of your stomach is saying, ‘Seek legal advice…”

That doesn’t mean you must leave him, it just means operating on real information rather than emotions alone. Learn your options in the event that he turns nasty enough to hear the pit of your stomach tell you that enough is enough, and this isn’t how you want to live.

[shouldhavelearned]

The beans need to be spilt.

You'll never be happy or trusting and things won't work

Get professional help or find serious ways to work on this together.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, anonynomonus said:

I want to trust him

You can't. He has shown you very clearly is not to be trusted. 

6 hours ago, anonynomonus said:

I cant ask him about this other woman and what happened

Why not? 

6 hours ago, anonynomonus said:

i actually want this to work. 

It can't, unless you two are very honest with each other (and understand it might not work even then) You won't be able to proceed in any way if you don't come to him with what you know. There is no way you will be able to pretend like none of this happened, or to minimize it or try to sweep it under the rug. The toothpaste can't be put back in that tube: you need to talk to him. Now. 

I feel for you. You are not in a good position and have just learned this is not the man you thought he was. But you are going to have to find the strength inside you to start dealing with the truth. You owe that to yourself, regardless of what happens in the relationship. 

 

[Kwothe28]

9 hours ago, anonynomonus said:

He has a secret porn folder in his incognito mode called "settings"... why hide that from me? I know guys watch porn and i have no problem with it and i told him that. 

 

Because no1 problem women in relationship have when they come to this Forum is somehow men watching porn. Also he is a serious liar.

9 hours ago, anonynomonus said:

He was with her when we met, but obviously it was a secret relationship so i never knew about it.

Why would you even trust somebody like this in the first place? Guy literally kept you as a sidepiece until they broke up and then jumpstarted relationship with you while he still kept contact with her. You shouldnt trust anything that comes from his mouth at all. 

 

9 hours ago, anonynomonus said:

How can he have fallen in love with a married woman, surely he should have been able to see that someone who can treat their own husband like that doesnt deserve your love?

Common misconception people(usually women) in relationship, who get cheated, have is to blame other side. "No, no, it wasnt my dear hubby, its that harlot who cheats on her husband with him". Newsflash, it takes two to cheat. Taking her out of the equation would do nothing to the fact that he is a liar and a cheater. He would just do it with some other woman. And that is the truth you need to face. You have a kid together but you dont trust him because he lies all the time and is prone to cheating. There is nothing to salvage there, you need to get your things and a baby, move on and file for a divorce.

[anonynomonus]

Hi guys. I dont know how replies work on this site, i reached out to it at my wits end looking for advice and im really grateful to get some from all of you. I feel like i need the third party perspective. I dont have the support network around me to take this to. 

So when i said he was still with her when we met. We met and started getting to know eachother at the end of july 21. We had our first official date in september, and were officially a couple in october. Thats why i felt like i had no right to feel betrayed about this other woman. I can see why he didnt tell me, because that would have been a huge red flag and i would have stopped things there and then. If they did break up, i think it was her going back to her husband, because he texted her friend asking how she was after the husband found out and they lied about how serious it was. As far as i can see, that was it. 

I also feel like i cant bring it up to him now because if he stopped seeing her before we were official then is it even any of my business? Or how do i even ask when it ended between them and explain that i went looking for this without him getting angry and making an argument about how i shouldnt have been snooping? 

We watch lots of series together in which someone is having an affair. I said to him its the fault of the guy she cheats on with too because if he had any integrity or moral code he would not have done something so awful to another human being. And he says "it was her choice to cheat, he shouldnt feel bad about it, it wasnt his marriage". 

I was blissfully in love with him for years with no doubts about anything and had no interest in looking through his phone. Until those feelings started creeping in. 

His other ex left him for being emotionally abusive and accused him of cheating on her. I knoe this because i found her hand written note to him when we were unpacking our new house. When i presented it to him (this was the 8 months pregnant first fight) he shouted at me for being a nosey little ***. And he said he never read it so cant help me with whatever she said in it. 

So you can see why me bringing this up is going to be hard. Nothing is ever his fault. How do i bring it up without it turning into a mess? 

 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, anonynomonus said:

His other ex left him for being emotionally abusive and accused him of cheating on her.

But, from your story, he did cheat on her. With you. Its not just an accusation, its what really happened. 

And as you can see, he can gaslight you and can be emotionally abusive and call you names. So, what she said about him is the truth. As you can see it for yourself. 

[anonynomonus]

No his legitimate girlfriend before left him in january, then he started his relationship with the married woman which was the one that was still going on while we were getting to know eachother. His ex actually befriended the married woman and was asking a lot of questions post breakup.

Would you confront him about all of this? Is an open and honest conversation even possible? 

[SophiaG]

6 hours ago, anonynomonus said:

i had no right to feel betrayed about this other woman. I can see why he didnt tell me, because that would have been a huge red flag and i would have stopped things there and then.

How do these two things add up? He betrayed your trust by hiding a fact that you'd consider a huge red flag. Basically he tricked you into a relationship. You have every right to feel betrayed and upset. Besides you don't know if they had more contact/communication after September simply because there were no later screenshots in his phone.

6 hours ago, anonynomonus said:

And he says "it was her choice to cheat, he shouldnt feel bad about it, it wasnt his marriage". 

He'd shown you his true colors, and you should believe him that he felt no remorse for participating in the cheating and betraying another human being.

6 hours ago, anonynomonus said:

When i presented it to him (this was the 8 months pregnant first fight) he shouted at me for being a nosey little ***. And he said he never read it so cant help me with whatever she said in it.

So he's clearly capable of being verbally and emotionally abusive. What other evidence do you need?

[anonynomonus]

9 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

How do these two things add up? He betrayed your trust by hiding a fact that you'd consider a huge red flag. Basically he tricked you into a relationship. You have every right to feel betrayed and upset. Besides you don't know if they had more contact/communication after September simply because there were no later screenshots in his phone.

He'd shown you his true colors, and you should believe him that he felt no remorse for participating in the cheating and betraying another human being.

So he's clearly capable of being verbally and emotionally abusive. What other evidence do you need?

Yes he did hide that, very well. He got depressed and stopped training over the winter that we had met. Now looking back on it, i think he was depressed about losing her. Meanwhile i was busy falling head over heels for him. He said that it was having to move back to his mums that made him sad (him and his ex girlfriend had a house and a puppy, he stayed in the house a few months and then said that the landlord was selling it and he had to move back, but now im thinking it was because of the breakup ans cost of renting solo). He always referred to living in his old house as "when i lived alone"... leaving out the true reason why he even lived there. 

I guess i wanted to believe that he just made some stupid choices after his ex left him... that he was so down and out over losing his puppy and gf that he saw something to hold on to with the married woman and didnt realise how awful it was. He did fall in love with her afterall, and was waiting on the day she says "im leaving him for you". 

He can be very intimidating in an argument, hes the first man to ever shout at me. However, thats part of his character, hes very sensitive in some ways in a good way, and i thought that maybe thats the price you pay for loving someone that feels everything so deeply. 

He would never hit me. 

But its the lies and deceit he has been involved in that scares me. 

 

[SophiaG]

19 minutes ago, anonynomonus said:

He would never hit me.

You do not know this. Reread what you said yourself:

17 hours ago, anonynomonus said:

I was 8 months pregnant when my partner of 4 years snapped at me and showed me a side of him that i had never seen before, and ive seen that side regularly since.

Did you think he would ever yell at you and call you names before this happened? Did you know he would cheat with a married woman before you learned about it?

17 hours ago, anonynomonus said:

But he white lies about his past so much that i dont know how to build a future.

Those are not white lies. White lies are telling someone they look great when they're having a rough day and looking tired. Not hiding a red flag when you start dating someone.

22 minutes ago, anonynomonus said:

i thought that maybe thats the price you pay for loving someone that feels everything so deeply.

No loving partner will require you to pay the price of enduring their abuse to be with them.

[anonynomonus]

16 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

You do not know this. Reread what you said yourself:

Did you think he would ever yell at you and call you names before this happened? Did you know he would cheat with a married woman before you learned about it?

Those are not white lies. White lies are telling someone they look great when they're having a rough day and looking tired. Not hiding a red flag when you start dating someone.

No loving partner will require you to pay the price of enduring their abuse to be with them.

He has a limit to how far he would take it, violence isnt something he would step up to, and ive even voiced that if he ever dreamt of it that i would leave with our daughter. His mum was hit by her ex husband and he had to jump in and defend her, so he has those emotional scars.

 He is insecure about me cheating too. He turns to me and says "if you ever dont love me anymore, then leave me, just promise you wont cheat on me." Or "i would never hurt you like that, you're me forever person". 

And i always comfort him when he gets insecure. I think he is hyper aware of how well people can get away with these things, and he has loved someone who was doing this to their spouse also. 

Ive told him that not cheating is just honouring the absolute basics of our relationship... i dont care about anyone else and im not remotely interested in anyone but him. 

Maybe i should bring the whole thing up and say that i found this on his phone. I dont know how bad that will be for me though? He did say that he would be happy for me to go through his phone if i ever thought i needed to and it would bring me peace of mind... but even that seemed like a double bluff to me now. Or maybe he didnt realise that i would go back to the very start, find something, and get the whole story. 

 

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, anonynomonus said:

...he shouted at me for being a nosey little ***. And he said he never read it so cant help me with whatever she said in it. 

So you can see why me bringing this up is going to be hard. Nothing is ever his fault. How do i bring it up without it turning into a mess? 

It's already a mess, but I see your point. He's not a communicator, he's a deflective blamer. You'll need to decide whether a partner you can't trust or speak with is how you'll want to live your life. I'd make this less about him, and more about ME in that decision.

[bluecastle]

3 hours ago, anonynomonus said:

Would you confront him about all of this? Is an open and honest conversation even possible?

So very sorry about all this—what a difficult storm to be in while also in the earliest days of being a mom. 

Being honest, I think the odds of all this evolving into something healthy and fulfilling are very, very slim. I'm not quite sure you're ready to fully face (a) who this man is right now and (b) how dysfunctional the dynamic is that you two have built.

That said, I absolutely understand the wish for there to be another chapter: you're deeply invested, you still have real love, you two share a child. Also, you're probably feeling a confusing and near paralyzing form of fear right now: fear of him, fear of losing him, fear of life without him—all braided into one thing.

So, if you want to ensure—for yourself—that you've done absolutely everything you can here before pulling the plug, what I'd do now in your shoes is two things:

Thing One: Make a clear plan for the relationship ending, for exiting it. That means talking to a therapist, a lawyer, friends who can support you, along with assessing your finances, and so on. Have an air-tight exit strategy prepared like a go-bag. Something like: you will stay with this friend/family member of 6 months, you have X amount of money that can go to Y rent for two years, lawyer says he will owe Z in support, etc. Having this is critical, because it removes him from being the main source of your sense of stability. 

Onto Thing Two: Either in person—or, because, he can be intimidating—in writing, you bring all this out into the open. You do this factually, not through accusation. You own that you looked through his phone, you outline what you've found, you note that you are angry and hurt, and that you've come to the realization that there is zero path forward, together, if he is not prepared to respond to you by being honest everything. Yelling, name-calling, etc. are not things you will entertain any more for ten seconds.

Then you see what happens, with an internal rule: If there is any yelling, name-calling, deflection, etc.—you are done. You take the Go Bag and initiate the exit plan. If there is something else—well, you can explore that for a bit, with the Go Bag (rather than him) still serving as the foundation for your security. 

I want to stress again: I am not offering this plan as a Fix It strategy for you two, as I would not put money on that under these circumstances. I am offering it as a Fix It strategy for you, your heart, your spirit, and the sense of inner stability you need and deserve—and that your child needs and deserves.   

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, anonynomonus said:

No his legitimate girlfriend before left him in january, then he started his relationship with the married woman which was the one that was still going on while we were getting to know eachother. His ex actually befriended the married woman and was asking a lot of questions post breakup.

Ah, a different woman. So you have one that thinks he is a cheater and abuser, other that engages in extramarital affairs with him and you who he also lashes out and emotionally abuses from time to time and quite possibly cheats. So why stay with somebody like that?

4 hours ago, anonynomonus said:

Would you confront him about all of this? Is an open and honest conversation even possible? 

Nah. He would just gaslight you to oblivion and back.

[anonynomonus]

What I would say if I could

So I saw screenshots of a conversation when we were going through your old photos, you were scrolling down to when we met.
It was around july/august 2021 time, i knew we had met then, but it was early days. There was also a screenshot of you sending me a friend request on Facebook which I thought was really cute.

But I thought the conversation screenshots were a bit premature for the size of the messages and the heart emoji etc. So when you nodded off I looked at them again.

In my head it was my business to look. I knew it wasn't our conversation, but we start getting very close soon after this, and those screenshots weren't just some meaningless fling before we met. You were obviously deeply involved with someone. Which you failed to mention when we met. And now I understand why.

When I read them I felt sick.
1. You were in love with someone else when you met me. That breaks my heart, and you told her she would always have a little piece of your heart... If that's true then this relationship isn't equal, because you have all of my heart. You're the only person who I've ever loved, so maybe it's just harder for me to accept that you can have loved someone else so very deeply, and so close to us dating. Was I just your backup? Your second choice?

2. How could you get involved with someone's marriage and cause that kind of pain? That is a huge red flag and goes against everything you have told me you believe in. You hate cheaters, how could you have gotten together with one and put yourself in the middle of a struggling relationship?

3. Why didn't you ever tell me? And why do you still have the screenshots?

Keeping the screenshots after you told me you went through every single photo on your drive and said you need them all felt like a massive betrayal. 
Then I checked to see what else of her remains.
Several screenshots, your instagram conversation, her texts where you pretend to be a dental reminder... her number, her mums and her best friend Leahs. I deleted them all out of anger.
And I'm not sorry.

If you can't choose whether to let her go or not then you'll be holding that candle for her without me in the other hand.

I was angry too, so I think deleting them was even a bit of a *** you as well, admittedly.

I shouldn't have betrayed your trust. When you were depressed months ago and I was wild with hormones, I thought your depression was down to you not being in love with me anymore and wanting to leave. I thought that maybe you felt like you couldn't leave now that we have a family and a home. (Which is not the case by the way. The only way this love can work is if you always choose me. I'll be fine without you, we have a daughter and i have to be fine, in fact i have to try and live forever incase she ever needs me). I also thought that even though we had made all these promises to eachother, that maybe we were in such a bad place that you might find someone else and just cheat on me and carry on being unhappy with me (even though the person I know and love would never ever do that to me, it's the fact that there's these parts of you I don't know that pushed doubt in).
You should have told me. 

So that's why I went about finding out what was going on with Rachel. Because there was no sign of when it ended and we began. I had the intrusive thought that maybe I had to worry about her coming back, or maybe she never really went away even. It's a horrible thought, but it's far from rational thinking that's going on in my head.

At the end of the day I love you more than anything, and this comes out of fear of losing you, you not being honest with me, or not having you completely to myself. Which is selfish, I know. But I love you too much to not be the one you love most in this world. And I need total honesty about what happened, which I feel like you should have told me by now.

From the day I found that letter when I was pregnant and we had that first, heavy argument, I feel like it's broken something between us.
I saw another side to you after years of just knowing one. Either we work together to make that other side better or we manage what happens when it appears.
We as a couple changed who we are and were as people, I can understand anything you've been and anything you've done.

But you have to let me in, or let me go.
Because i cant marry pieces of you

[bluecastle]

Before I get into what you've written here, I think you need to get clearer—with yourself—about what's behind it. Namely: You have been feeling increasingly insecure and unsafe in this relationship, thrown by his sharp moods and propensity to snap at you in ways that don't feel fair and led you to question everything: who he is, who you are together.

That, after all, is the real issue here. 

As far as what you've written here, I think it needs to be cut down by about 2/3rds and you need to stick solely to the facts. As in:

You were thrown by what you saw that day on this phone and chose to look through it later. In doing so you discovered that he was deeply involved with a married woman shortly before you two became a thing. This information, which was hidden from you, has upset you deeply. It has cast your relationship in a completely different light, along with his comments about the immorality of infidelity and frequent pleas that you be faithful. 

Honesty and transparency are vital for you. You are being honest and transparent in coming to him and admitting you looked through his phone. That's not who you want to be in this relationship, but neither do you want to be in a relationship with someone who can hide so much from you. You are here to listen to him—but not to be yelled at. 

In essence, you are giving him a chance to come clean and to do so in a way that isn't hostile. And you are doing this in order to see if your marriage can continue. Maybe he can do it. I am doubtful. Regardless, please do not go down this road until you have paved something of an exit strategy.

What have you done on that front? 

[anonynomonus]

Ive had a chat with my grandmother and told her everything. She said me and my daughter can seek refuge with her anytime we need to. Im not stuck, im in a position where my go back is stashed in my grandmothers house already. We have a place to go for as long as we need to, forever if need be. 

I edited some of the paragraphs, taking out a lot of stuff thats just not to the point. I also added this paragraph in my own words: " In doing so you discovered that he was deeply involved with a married woman shortly before you two became a thing. This information, which was hidden from you, has upset you deeply. It has cast your relationship in a completely different light, along with his comments about the immorality of infidelity and frequent pleas that you be faithful" 

Ive also added notes on his hostility issues and his confrontational communication style, and how it makes me unable to communicate with him for fear of his reaction. 

 

[catfeeder]

All of your perceptions and feelings are perfectly valid. The biggest problem is this:

40 minutes ago, anonynomonus said:

...his hostility issues and his confrontational communication style, and how it makes me unable to communicate with him for fear of his reaction. 

This man is a brick wall. No matter how eloquently you want to approach a problem with him, he's not just confrontational, he attacks you and blames you, which serves his purpose of cutting you down and squelching you.

He's likely been doing this over a thousand cuts throughout your relationship. I'd consider carefully whether raising this with him is necessary when you already know what he's done, with whom, and how he's hidden it. 

Don't hold a fantasy of him expressing remorse. You know him well enough to have planned a go-bag. Why wait to use it? Why unleash the Kracken when you can just get away from him without escalating this into an unsafe situation?

[SophiaG]

3 hours ago, anonynomonus said:

Ive had a chat with my grandmother and told her everything. She said me and my daughter can seek refuge with her anytime we need to. Im not stuck, im in a position where my go back is stashed in my grandmothers house already. We have a place to go for as long as we need to, forever if need be. 

I edited some of the paragraphs, taking out a lot of stuff thats just not to the point. I also added this paragraph in my own words: " In doing so you discovered that he was deeply involved with a married woman shortly before you two became a thing. This information, which was hidden from you, has upset you deeply. It has cast your relationship in a completely different light, along with his comments about the immorality of infidelity and frequent pleas that you be faithful" 

Ive also added notes on his hostility issues and his confrontational communication style, and how it makes me unable to communicate with him for fear of his reaction. 

 

Good to hear you have a place to stay if you have to leave. I too think your script is way too long - not that I don't understand or relate to the complexity of your feelings, but given what you've described I don't think he will have the capacity to fully digest this long monologue - or even the patience to sit through and actually listen to/read it. I think you're in for a lot more frustration with this planned conversation. If you absolutely have to "confront" him, I would simply tell him you saw screenshots of his conversation with a married women around the time you started dating - that's it and see how he responds before you decide to elaborate on any of the other points.

 

[catfeeder]

39 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

I think you're in for a lot more frustration with this planned conversation. If you absolutely have to "confront" him, I would simply tell him you saw screenshots of his conversation with a married women around the time you started dating - that's it and see how he responds before you decide to elaborate on any of the other points.

Yes, I agree. First consider your purpose, and get clarity about a desired outcome.

Then compare that fantasy against the reality of who you're dealing with.

Then reconcile your ACTUAL purpose of raising this with someone who will only blame you for snooping and make you a villain while he victimizes himself and shuts you down.

Is it worth it? You have somewhere to go. Why not just go there, instead? 

[Andrina]

In adding to what others are saying, really consider what concrete things you'd be asking for. Would you say you believe the porn might be the reason he's less interested in having sex with you and you want him to give up porn? Would you say you want to establish relationship boundaries, and that old conversations and photos have to be deleted in regards to exes on phones? Would you tell him the rule is to never again call you names (or whatever negative way he's expressing himself in an argument)?

What kind of replies might he give to all your inquiries would ease your mind? If he answers with the same mindset that only the married person has ethics problems but not the single person engaging with the taken lady, is that a dealbreaker for you? 

What will you do if he agrees to only one relationship boundary or none at all?

Some food for thought.

IMO, a prized partner puts their partner before themselves in certain situations. What he's done and continues to do shows a lot of self-centered selfishness. He didn't care you were denied the truth about his past because he wanted you and nothing was going to interfere with that. He put his own needs before your best interest. He doesn't care that you are sexually unsatisfied and isn't working with you to fix that issue. He doesn't care that he's crossing relationship boundaries and doing something against the best interest of your relationship by keeping "precious" texts between himself and an ex. He likes how fearful you are during arguments so that he can have the upper hand.

These are extreme character flaws and he possess poor ethics and lacks sympathy. I don't know how you think he's going to magically turn into a totally different person with a whole new mindset. Anyway, I'm sorry this has happened to you. I'm glad you at least of a family support system with your grandparent.

[anonynomonus]

I know you guys must think I'm brainwashed to want to stay and try to get my relationship to work.
I believe in his potential to be the best person for me to build this life with for me and my daughter.
But you can't take potential to the bank, I know that.

This is me saying to the love of my life, it's time to be honest and make some changes, or it's time we sort out a new way for us to live apart and still be great coparents, for our daughter.

It will be much harder for him to lose this family dynamic than to change for us. Because he does care, deeply.

I feel like i need this brought to him, seeking the truth about the other woman, when it ended and why he held on to those things.

and i need him to agree to control himself better on hard days, no name calling - ever, and if he feels angry or wants a fight, to leave for an hour and revisit it calm. 

He is a great person when times are easy, but easy times aren't what test you. I need him to be in control at all times, its easy to be the good guy on a good day. 

Then it would be either easier to forgive, or easier to leave him. He'll either lie and deflect, or tell all.

If he lies and deflects I will have to leave anyway, because then all trust is gone and paranoia is ruled out. 

Then i feel like put everything i had into this, i dont want to look back in 5 years at what broke us with "what ifs". 

[SophiaG]

So what, exactly, do you need him to change, apart from no yelling/name calling?

To be honest about this married woman? To apologize? To change his view on there's nothing wrong with being involved with someone in a relationship/marriage?

Even if he does all of the above, how would you know if he's telling the truth? Unfortunately sometimes owning up to one's mistakes or changing long-held beliefs can be extremely difficult, if at all possible.

8 minutes ago, anonynomonus said:

He is a great person when times are easy, but easy times aren't what test you. I need him to be in control at all times, its easy to be the good guy on a good day.

Indeed!

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, anonynomonus said:

I know you guys must think I'm brainwashed to want to stay and try to get my relationship to work. 

We certainly understand that there's no obligation to follow any suggestions we post.

Quote

I feel like i need this brought to him, seeking the truth about the other woman, when it ended and why he held on to those things.

and i need him to agree to control himself better on hard days, no name calling - ever, and if he feels angry or wants a fight, to leave for an hour and revisit it calm. 

I'd raise the second thing first. It makes no sense to lead with the thing that will set him off only to then try to manage the way he responds. You cannot penetrate 'hot head'.

I'd approach him about whether he's willing to try viewing any problems you raise with him through a lens of being on the same side instead of adversaries. See what kind of work he demonstrates putting into that before raising that you snooped in his private storage after he's already admonished you for something like that in the past.