Navigating conversations about wanting children while dating in your 30s

[camouflage]

Hello everyone, I’m a 31-year-old man, and this year my long term relationship came to an end. It was a toxic relationship filled with negativity (manipulation, arguments, constant drama), so in many ways, it’s for the best that it’s over.

At the same time, it was a relationship that felt like it was leading somewhere (settling down, building a future together), so it’s been hard to accept that my dream of having children has now been pushed back by several years. It’s often portrayed as something only women experience, but I feel that longing very deeply, especially as many of my friends are starting families of their own.

Finding the right balance has been a real challenge for me. Shortly after the breakup, I downloaded dating apps and was surprised by the amount of attention I received—it was unexpected. However, I’ve noticed that being upfront about my strong desire to have children in the near future often scares off women, particularly those around 27. And honestly, I can’t blame them—no one wants to feel like they’re being reduced to a potential mother. At the same time, I feel this intense urge to talk about it, and the thought of “waiting another five years” feels like a significant sacrifice to me.

Personally, I have no problem approaching conversations about wanting children in a structured, practical way, but I get the sense that many people are uncomfortable with this. What I mean by this is simply having an open conversation about the big goals or dreams the other person might still want to pursue before starting a family—like taking a big trip, landing a dream job, or something similar. I’m fully aware of all the complexities and potential challenges involved (like the possibility of infertility, and so on). At the same time, I’m completely fine with the idea of starting a family relatively early in a new relationship if it feels right.

How can I approach this topic with women in a way that’s both respectful and constructive?

[bluecastle]

Sorry for the breakup and this tough time. 

Curious: How long ago was the breakup? And how short is "shortly," in terms of how quickly you started dating and having these chats about parenthood on dates? 

I ask because I get the impression that what you're experiencing might not be women being "scared off" by you being upfront about your desire to have children so much as them sensing that you are still reeling from a breakup, maybe more than you know, and trying to cure that by getting what you wanted from that relationship ASAP. 

When any relationship ends, even one that needed to end, there is a major void in your life. Many voids. The void of the person you just lost and the void of everything you hoped to do and become with and alongside that person. Those voids need, first and foremost, to be respected and observed, rather than stuffed with new filling. It's in mourning them that they lose their power, shrink and heal, if that makes sense. 

So maybe what you need to do right now is pull back on the dating for a minute. Give yourself, say, two to four months to just be in your own skin, feel through these feelings. Your desire to be a parent won't change, but it will remerge as simply a desire of yours, rather than a reaction to your breakup, and the women you express this to are more likely to experience it as such rather than a record scratch. 

I get that you have a timeline in your head, and part of the stress here is that it's been "pushed back." But think of it like this: you may, right now, be pushing it back further by not giving yourself time to heal. 

[camouflage]

10 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry for the breakup and this tough time. 

Curious: How long ago was the breakup? And how short is "shortly," in terms of how quickly you started dating and having these chats about parenthood on dates? 

I ask because I get the impression that what you're experiencing might not be women being "scared off" by you being upfront about your desire to have children so much as them sensing that you are still reeling from a breakup, maybe more than you know, and trying to cure that by getting what you wanted from that relationship ASAP. 

When any relationship ends, even one that needed to end, there is a major void in your life. Many voids. The void of the person you just lost and the void of everything you hoped to do and become with and alongside that person. Those voids need, first and foremost, to be respected and observed, rather than stuffed with new filling. It's in mourning them that they lose their power, shrink and heal, if that makes sense. 

So maybe what you need to do right now is pull back on the dating for a minute. Give yourself, say, two to four months to just be in your own skin, feel through these feelings. Your desire to be a parent won't change, but it will remerge as simply a desire of yours, rather than a reaction to your breakup, and the women you express this to are more likely to experience it as such rather than a record scratch. 

I get that you have a timeline in your head, and part of the stress here is that it's been "pushed back." But think of it like this: you may, right now, be pushing it back further by not giving yourself time to heal. 

The relationship ended 4 months ago. I find what you’re saying interesting; emotionally, I already felt like I was wasting time during the last year of the relationship because we were stuck in discussions that went nowhere, and my own dream of the future kept slipping further away. But because so much time was already lost that I wanted to spend differently, it now feels like I’m in even more of a rush.

But you’re right, the focus on the relationship itself should always come first over any desire to have children. People who prioritize having children above all else often ironically end up divorced and with unhappy children. Rationally, I can acknowledge this and say it out loud, but emotionally, the desire to have children is just so strong.

[bluecastle]

7 minutes ago, camouflage said:

I already felt like I was wasting time during the last year of the relationship because we were stuck in discussions that went nowhere, and my own dream of the future kept slipping further away. But because so much time was already lost that I wanted to spend differently, it now feels like I’m in even more of a rush.

Totally get it. And that's a thing to mourn a bit: that sense of time lost.

In mourning it as a fact, rather than something to fix of solve, it loses its sway. Then something crazy and beautiful happens: time goes from feeling crunched to expansive. You are 31, not 55. Commit to some healing and you very well could be in a lovely relationship, with a likeminded woman, within the year. And if and when you become a parent—be it at 33 or 36—it won't feel like you're catching up but just living. 

11 minutes ago, camouflage said:

Rationally, I can acknowledge this and say it out loud, but emotionally, the desire to have children is just so strong.

There is nothing wrong with this desire being so strong emotionally. That's you, and that's lovely. At the moment, I think, it's just still tied up to that sense of time lost, to this relationship. You just need a minute to untether it. 

[Seraphim]

You haven’t really had time to get over your last relationship . You HAVE to take the time to get to know the person you have children with. You OWE your future children that. I was with my husband for 8 years before we had our son. You can’t have children with someone you barely know in all situations. 

[smackie9]

I think you need to drop the urgency and go with the flow of meeting dating and just getting to know someone. If there is one that ends up being in a committed relationship, of course talk of marriage and children with eventually come up. You just can't force these things. And since you have invested in a toxic relationship for so long, I agree with the others advice that you should take a break and give yourself some time to reflect, self improve, self care before starting again.

[SophiaG]

2 hours ago, camouflage said:

I’ve noticed that being upfront about my strong desire to have children in the near future often scares off women, particularly those around 27.

I've been "scared off" by men who told me this at 27 and older. Ultimately I think you need to decide if it is more important to you to have children ASAP, with the risk of quickly breaking up with/divorcing the person you have children with, or to find the right partner to spend your life with, with the risk of not having children as soon as you want (or never having biological children). For the former you just need to find someone who's also eager to have children for whatever reason. For the latter, slow down and get to know the person first. Also I completely agree with what @bluecastle said regarding mourning the loss of your past relationship (and the dreams you had in it).

Sorry for your conundrum. As a woman I‘ve faced similar struggles. I've also known people, both men and women, who have strong desires to have children which sometimes became at odds with their romantic/dating priorities. Some chose the person over the urge to have children. Some chose to have children and were okay with being a single parent. Personally I chose to wait for the right person. I don't know if I'll regret it later in life, but for now I'm happy and at peace with my decision.

[camouflage]

59 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

I've been "scared off" by men who told me this at 27 and older. Ultimately I think you need to decide if it is more important to you to have children ASAP, with the risk of quickly breaking up with/divorcing the person you have children with, or to find the right partner to spend your life with, with the risk of not having children as soon as you want (or never having biological children). For the former you just need to find someone who's also eager to have children for whatever reason. For the latter, slow down and get to know the person first. Also I completely agree with what @bluecastle said regarding mourning the loss of your past relationship (and the dreams you had in it).

Sorry for your conundrum. As a woman I‘ve faced similar struggles. I've also known people, both men and women, who have strong desires to have children which sometimes became at odds with their romantic/dating priorities. Some chose the person over the urge to have children. Some chose to have children and were okay with being a single parent. Personally I chose to wait for the right person. I don't know if I'll regret it later in life, but for now I'm happy and at peace with my decision.

First of all: I also think it’s a good idea to take a few more months of rest. However, the strong desire to have children remains and (especially as a man) it won’t go away for the next 15 years until it’s fulfilled.

There’s something interesting happening on the apps, though. Women under 30 are often hesitant and reserved on this topic, while those over 30 suddenly seem more open to it. However, at that point, I personally find it more risky due to declining fertility.

I think this applies to more women. That’s why 28 or 29 seems like an ideal age to me. Many highly educated women start feeling a bit of pressure by then.

[Fudgie]

13 minutes ago, camouflage said:

 

I think this applies to more women. That’s why 28 or 29 seems like an ideal age to me. Many highly educated women start feeling a bit of pressure by then.

 

 

I agree with taking a few more months to allow yourself to grieve and heal. 

Pardon my nosiness, but the above comment seems like you're "striving" for women in this age range. Nothing wrong with that but honestly, I'm wondering if there may be a little bit too much focus on the age. Make sure you can connect well with her, that this is someone you could really see yourself having a child with. I'm not saying you shouldn't have a preference there but don't rule out the importance of good health when it comes to pregnancy and child rearing. An unhealthy 27 year old may not be the best choice compared to a more in-shape 31-32 year old when it comes to pregnancy, maternal and baby health, etc. 

 

Also, I would consider putting your desires (succinctly, tastefully) on your profile, for what you're looking for. Something like how you're looking for a like minded partner who is also eager to get started on family building with the right person. 

I am the opposite of you - I don't want kids (never have, I'm 35) and I was sterilized in my 20s. I make a little note of it in profiles basically similar to "hey heads up, I'm never married/no kids, not wanting kids, and I'm permanently sterile, just FYI" 

For me, it's been great to be open and has caused a lot of people to weed themselves out appropriately, including those who say they don't want kids but feel uncomfortable with me having nailed that door shut. 

My point is, be tactfully blunt on your profile and let the women weed themselves out rather than you having to do it with each one. 

[Kwothe28]

Why so hung up regarding age? Yes, fertility's chances are lower for women in 30s than to women in 20s. But the significant decline usually happens after 35. So you should(in theory) be fine with woman in early 30s wanting kids right away. There is no need to demand the exact age of 28.

Also, I always thought it was more important to find the right partner than to just find somebody to have kids. My friend was in a long relationship with the woman who didnt wanted kids yet but agreed to make one with him as "a favor". Imagine finding somebody like that just on the basis to have kids? Its a disaster waiting to happen. It should be way more important to you to find somebody that you could spend your life with without too much turmoil. Yes, kids are important if you want them. But it shouldnt be sole reason to get a partner.

Also, I dont think your desire for family and kids should be an issue. Sure, some would be appalled by that because they dont want that. But to someone else it shouldnt pose an obstacle because they would want the same. Stuff like that are important so you being opened from the start is a good thing. Just do think that kind of stuff would be more attractive to some 30+ women and not 20+ ones. 

[camouflage]

8 minutes ago, Fudgie said:

I agree with taking a few more months to allow yourself to grieve and heal. 

Pardon my nosiness, but the above comment seems like you're "striving" for women in this age range. Nothing wrong with that but honestly, I'm wondering if there may be a little bit too much focus on the age. Make sure you can connect well with her, that this is someone you could really see yourself having a child with. I'm not saying you shouldn't have a preference there but don't rule out the importance of good health when it comes to pregnancy and child rearing. An unhealthy 27 year old may not be the best choice compared to a more in-shape 31-32 year old when it comes to pregnancy, maternal and baby health, etc. 

 

Also, I would consider putting your desires (succinctly, tastefully) on your profile, for what you're looking for. Something like how you're looking for a like minded partner who is also eager to get started on family building with the right person. 

I am the opposite of you - I don't want kids (never have, I'm 35) and I was sterilized in my 20s. I make a little note of it in profiles basically similar to "hey heads up, I'm never married/no kids, not wanting kids, and I'm permanently sterile, just FYI" 

For me, it's been great to be open and has caused a lot of people to weed themselves out appropriately, including those who say they don't want kids but feel uncomfortable with me having nailed that door shut. 

My point is, be tactfully blunt on your profile and let the women weed themselves out rather than you having to do it with each one. 

 

Thank you for your response. I’ve already put some pretty decent stuff on my profiles, and I’ve been getting quite a lot of positive comments, so apparently, it does appeal to women. I’m just worried that an “I want kids soon” might cause the number of likes to drop quickly—that’s a bit nerve-wracking. 😉 But maybe I should just go for it. After all, it only takes one person who has the same big wish (and with whom things click on all other levels, of course), and you could already be trying for a baby within a year.

To be honest, it sounds wonderful not to have that wish like you do. I think I’d be so much more relaxed in this phase of life without it. In that case, I’d probably be perfectly fine staying single for a few more years (if I already knew I was infertile or didn’t have that desire).

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, camouflage said:

The relationship ended 4 months ago. I find what you’re saying interesting; emotionally, I already felt like I was wasting time during the last year of the relationship because we were stuck in discussions that went nowhere, and my own dream of the future kept slipping further away. But because so much time was already lost that I wanted to spend differently, it now feels like I’m in even more of a rush.

But you’re right, the focus on the relationship itself should always come first over any desire to have children. People who prioritize having children above all else often ironically end up divorced and with unhappy children. Rationally, I can acknowledge this and say it out loud, but emotionally, the desire to have children is just so strong.

 

 

When I was that age and younger I made it clear ASAP that I wanted marriage and family and that I wanted someone who was as eager to have kids as I was -meaning at least 100% into it.  I made it clear on my dating profile and got hundreds of messages - I made it clear on a first date- my general goals which included family.  Also included professional goals.  Most of the time the man was the one who discussed his general goals including marriage and family.  

Not wanting kids badly was a dealbreaker for me.  And if hypothetically a man changed his mind I'd have ended the relationship.  I mostly avoided dating men who had children or who had been married. I dated someone for 3 months whose ex gf was pregnant -he told me this on the first date. She gave birth after we'd been dating about 1.5 months and then I realized it wasn't for me.  He did want more kids eventually.  We're still in touch as friends 21 years later. 

I think it should be brought up ASAP especially if the woman you are dating is in her 30s.

My husband and I started dating again when I was 39 and he was 38.  We'd been engaged and together for 2 years in our late 20s/early 30s. I got tested for my hormone levels etc maybe at age 40- all was good.  We started trying to conceive when I was 40.5.  I got pregnant shortly before turning 42 and we got married when we were 42.  Not because i was pregnant -the timing of the marriage was affected somewhat by my "condition".  I was very lucky to conceive naturally, very lucky to have a nearly full term pregnancy -only time in my life i was pregnant other than a suspected "chemical" pregnancy the year prior (but not confirmed.

So we didn't get to be married long without the baby-he was born 2.5 months after the wedding - but we already knew each other so well.  Also it helped that our families and friends were overjoyed when we got back together and over the moon about our baby.  Helped emotionally and was so fun to share the news.  

Good luck!

[camouflage]

9 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Why so hung up regarding age? Yes, fertility's chances are lower for women in 30s than to women in 20s. But the significant decline usually happens after 35. So you should(in theory) be fine with woman in early 30s wanting kids right away. There is no need to demand the exact age of 28.

Also, I always thought it was more important to find the right partner than to just find somebody to have kids. My friend was in a long relationship with the woman who didnt wanted kids yet but agreed to make one with him as "a favor". Imagine finding somebody like that just on the basis to have kids? Its a disaster waiting to happen. It should be way more important to you to find somebody that you could spend your life with without too much turmoil. Yes, kids are important if you want them. But it shouldnt be sole reason to get a partner.

Also, I dont think your desire for family and kids should be an issue. Sure, some would be appalled by that because they dont want that. But to someone else it shouldnt pose an obstacle because they would want the same. Stuff like that are important so you being opened from the start is a good thing. Just do think that kind of stuff would be more attractive to some 30+ women and not 20+ ones. 

A bit of an odd comparison perhaps, but people with a strong desire to remain child-free and those with a strong desire to have children can struggle to understand each other just as much as someone with autism might struggle to understand someone with ADHD. Their worlds are experienced from entirely different perspectives, making it difficult to fully grasp each other’s inner motivations and priorities. I think it’s almost impossible for someone with a strong desire for children to imagine not having that desire, and vice versa.

A friend who agrees to have a baby "as a favor"—I can hardly believe that such a situation exists without that person eventually embracing motherhood wholeheartedly. But maybe I’m being naive. Of course, it would be awful to end up in a situation with a partner who doesn’t truly want children and only reluctantly goes along with it.

I also completely agree with your last paragraph.

[Seraphim]

Just remember you are with this person for more than just kids. Kids are also not a box check . A lot of thought has to go into the process. 

[camouflage]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

When I was that age and younger I made it clear ASAP that I wanted marriage and family and that I wanted someone who was as eager to have kids as I was -meaning at least 100% into it.  I made it clear on my dating profile and got hundreds of messages - I made it clear on a first date- my general goals which included family.  Also included professional goals.  Most of the time the man was the one who discussed his general goals including marriage and family.  

Not wanting kids badly was a dealbreaker for me.  And if hypothetically a man changed his mind I'd have ended the relationship.  I mostly avoided dating men who had children or who had been married. I dated someone for 3 months whose ex gf was pregnant -he told me this on the first date. She gave birth after we'd been dating about 1.5 months and then I realized it wasn't for me.  He did want more kids eventually.  We're still in touch as friends 21 years later. 

I think it should be brought up ASAP especially if the woman you are dating is in her 30s.

My husband and I started dating again when I was 39 and he was 38.  We'd been engaged and together for 2 years in our late 20s/early 30s. I got tested for my hormone levels etc maybe at age 40- all was good.  We started trying to conceive when I was 40.5.  I got pregnant shortly before turning 42 and we got married when we were 42.  Not because i was pregnant -the timing of the marriage was affected somewhat by my "condition".  I was very lucky to conceive naturally, very lucky to have a nearly full term pregnancy -only time in my life i was pregnant other than a suspected "chemical" pregnancy the year prior (but not confirmed.

So we didn't get to be married long without the baby-he was born 2.5 months after the wedding - but we already knew each other so well.  Also it helped that our families and friends were overjoyed when we got back together and over the moon about our baby.  Helped emotionally and was so fun to share the news.  

Good luck!

You've shared a lot of openness about this already, and I know you ultimately succeeded, but I think the main difference in perspective here is time. You seemed fine with waiting a few more years, whereas for me, that feels like a huge sacrifice.

I'm ready for changing diapers, settling into the suburban life, taking my son or daughter to football practice, and enjoying Saturday nights at the snack bar with my family (including a partner).

As you can hear, these are beautiful dreams. 😉 But they stand in stark contrast to spending a few more years dating, traveling together, and doing a lot of things that, honestly, I don’t have much enthusiasm for anymore.

 

[Fudgie]

11 minutes ago, camouflage said:

 

Thank you for your response. I’ve already put some pretty decent stuff on my profiles, and I’ve been getting quite a lot of positive comments, so apparently, it does appeal to women. I’m just worried that an “I want kids soon” might cause the number of likes to drop quickly—that’s a bit nerve-wracking. 😉 But maybe I should just go for it. After all, it only takes one person who has the same big wish (and with whom things click on all other levels, of course), and you could already be trying for a baby within a year.

To be honest, it sounds wonderful not to have that wish like you do. I think I’d be so much more relaxed in this phase of life without it. In that case, I’d probably be perfectly fine staying single for a few more years (if I already knew I was infertile or didn’t have that desire).

Yep, as you said, it only takes ONE person. 

Putting it on your profile in a tactful way is best because it's way easier to talk about what your looking for on your profile than saying "I want kids soon" one on one with someone. The former is something you're hoping to find with someone, the latter can be scary because it can sound like "I want kids soon... WITH YOU."

You want to weed out those who are not suited towards you. There are women out there who want kids relatively quickly once they find the right partner - that's who you need to find. Don't worry about the rest. The women you seek will not be scared off because they are in the same boat. 

There are pluses and minuses to either side, I think. You have to do what is right for you. I firmly believe that those that are strongly called to parenthood should work to make that happen for themselves while people like me who have never had interest should never budge. Children need parents who truly want and desire to raise them to adulthood. 

[Fudgie]

5 minutes ago, camouflage said:

 

As you can hear, these are beautiful dreams. 😉 But they stand in stark contrast to spending a few more years dating, traveling together, and doing a lot of things that, honestly, I don’t have much enthusiasm for anymore.

 

It takes at least a couple years to really get to know someone and build that foundation so when you DO have kid(s), your relationship can withstand it. Having kids in a couple years of meeting is still considered fairly "fast", btw, but if you and your partner are on the same page, you two can make the most of it. Cheap dates, focusing on substance, save up some money, and work on your physical health together so you are both ready for what lies ahead while you continue to build the relationship. 

[Batya33]

Just now, camouflage said:

You've shared a lot of openness about this already, and I know you ultimately succeeded, but I think the main difference in perspective here is time. You seemed fine with waiting a few more years, whereas for me, that feels like a huge sacrifice.

I'm ready for changing diapers, settling into the suburban life, taking my son or daughter to football practice, and enjoying Saturday nights at the snack bar with my family (including a partner).

As you can hear, these are beautiful dreams. But they stand in stark contrast to spending a few more years dating, traveling together, and doing a lot of things that, honestly, I don’t have much enthusiasm for anymore.

 

No I wasn't fine. I waited for the best interests of the child - I waited until I found the right person and wasn't settling and I waited to have a stable two parent family involving a happy stable marriage (ok yes I was knocked up at the wedding lol).  Waiting was AWFUL.  I did want suburbia in my early 20s when I got engaged and unengaged and not after. I've only lived in apartments in cities other than 3 months in suburbia with my now husband when we were engaged the first time.  Please know that you can have what you described - but it's not guaranteed. 

You might have a child with disabilities or special needs and/or learning differences.  A child who is not interested in team sports, a spouse who is not into the suburban life like me (but you can talk about that in advance I guess). To me deciding to have a child means deciding you accept that your child will be an individual who might or might not have the traits/personality/abilities you expected -and honestly I'd be ready to have no expectations.  

We travel together as a family - our son started going to Europe when he was 7 and has been to 4 countries and would have been more but.... covid.  I understand you're tired of dating.  I was EXHAUSTED and stressed from it including because of my loudly ticking clock.  We did date 1.5 years before trying to conceive but that was because we were long distance on and off that first 1.5 years so it was prudent to wait.  

[Seraphim]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No I wasn't fine. I waited for the best interests of the child - I waited until I found the right person and wasn't settling and I waited to have a stable two parent family involving a happy stable marriage (ok yes I was knocked up at the wedding lol).  Waiting was AWFUL.  I did want suburbia in my early 20s when I got engaged and unengaged and not after. I've only lived in apartments in cities other than 3 months in suburbia with my now husband when we were engaged the first time.  Please know that you can have what you described - but it's not guaranteed. 

You might have a child with disabilities or special needs and/or learning differences.  A child who is not interested in team sports, a spouse who is not into the suburban life like me (but you can talk about that in advance I guess). To me deciding to have a child means deciding you accept that your child will be an individual who might or might not have the traits/personality/abilities you expected -and honestly I'd be ready to have no expectations.  

We travel together as a family - our son started going to Europe when he was 7 and has been to 4 countries and would have been more but.... covid.  I understand you're tired of dating.  I was EXHAUSTED and stressed from it including because of my loudly ticking clock.  We did date 1.5 years before trying to conceive but that was because we were long distance on and off that first 1.5 years so it was prudent to wait.  

Yes, my husband wasn’t ready until we were close to 30. I was 5 weeks from 31 when my son was born. 

[camouflage]

12 minutes ago, Fudgie said:

It takes at least a couple years to really get to know someone and build that foundation so when you DO have kid(s), your relationship can withstand it. Having kids in a couple years of meeting is still considered fairly "fast", btw, but if you and your partner are on the same page, you two can make the most of it. Cheap dates, focusing on substance, save up some money, and work on your physical health together so you are both ready for what lies ahead while you continue to build the relationship. 

I agree, it takes time to truly get to know someone. Just like the lack of responsibility, honesty, and good values in my ex also blinded me to certain things.

On the other hand, if both partners are dedicated and willing to do whatever it takes, I do have faith in it. I even know a couple, now 35, who were both pretty desperate and started after just six months. It's going perfectly. So, it can definitely work.

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, camouflage said:

A bit of an odd comparison perhaps, but people with a strong desire to remain child-free and those with a strong desire to have children can struggle to understand each other just as much as someone with autism might struggle to understand someone with ADHD. Their worlds are experienced from entirely different perspectives, making it difficult to fully grasp each other’s inner motivations and priorities. I think it’s almost impossible for someone with a strong desire for children to imagine not having that desire, and vice versa.

I don't have any trouble and I wanted kids badly starting as a child myself.  I think there are many reasons to want children and many reasons not to, many reasons to be on the fence.  I LOVE how Fudgie put it and she has put it this way in the past and I agree. I find it hard to relate to people who have this notion that having kids requires a private house in the burbs.  But only hard to relate when certain of them get a weeee bit judgy either of me or in general.  

I know of a woman who doesn't have children and I suspect it wasn't her top priority. She's spent the last 30 years (I met her over 20 years ago) involved in various nonprofits helping children, adults, teenagers (including fostering teenagers), in the U.S. and third world countries and now is off to another nonprofit in a foreign country to help people including children.

I know of many many people whose priorities are to contribute to the world in a variety of ways and they also choose not to have children.  Or at least not to make it a priority.  I know of many people who have children and choose not to be the primary caregiver -either their spouse does that and their career means they are rarely home and/or the spouses basically hire round the clock care and/or have grandparents raising their kids for whatever reason.  They all might be awesome parents but it's an example of where having kids doesn't mean you're all in as far as the day to day raising of them.

I was up at 2 and 4am 2 days ago -because my son who is rarely sick was sick and needed whatever - he is 15.  But at 5am I went to the gym downstairs -my husband was home/sleeping.  I went for 45 minutes total.  I know of many moms who would not do that -they would have this perspective of being the all-sacrificing momma whose kid has 102 fever and heaven forbid the teenager needs them in that 45 minutes and no it's not good enough that loving daddy is there -he's not the Mom.  I went and I was fine with it because I show my son that I also take care of myself and show him his dad is perfectly capable of holding down the fort (meaning if our son felt dizzy/couldn't make it to restroom or couldn't get himself water, etc).  Like I wrote -kind of lose this whole cliche/stereotype of what being a parent or wanting to be a parent is about.  And absolutely don't think you are somehow a more giving person because you want kids than someone who absolutely does not want kids.  It's just.... not true! JMHO.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, camouflage said:

I agree, it takes time to truly get to know someone. Just like the lack of responsibility, honesty, and good values in my ex also blinded me to certain things.

On the other hand, if both partners are dedicated and willing to do whatever it takes, I do have faith in it. I even know a couple, now 35, who were both pretty desperate and started after just six months. It's going perfectly. So, it can definitely work.

 

If they both want to act in the best interests of the child not just in the best interests of getting knocked up ASAP.  Willing to do whatever it takes needs to be discussed far more specifically IMO.  

[SophiaG]

30 minutes ago, camouflage said:

You've shared a lot of openness about this already, and I know you ultimately succeeded, but I think the main difference in perspective here is time. You seemed fine with waiting a few more years, whereas for me, that feels like a huge sacrifice.

I'm ready for changing diapers, settling into the suburban life, taking my son or daughter to football practice, and enjoying Saturday nights at the snack bar with my family (including a partner).

As you can hear, these are beautiful dreams. 😉 But they stand in stark contrast to spending a few more years dating, traveling together, and doing a lot of things that, honestly, I don’t have much enthusiasm for anymore.

 

Are you okay with having kids and doing all this alone, without a partner?

[Kwothe28]

24 minutes ago, camouflage said:

A bit of an odd comparison perhaps, but people with a strong desire to remain child-free and those with a strong desire to have children can struggle to understand each other just as much as someone with autism might struggle to understand someone with ADHD. Their worlds are experienced from entirely different perspectives, making it difficult to fully grasp each other’s inner motivations and priorities. I think it’s almost impossible for someone with a strong desire for children to imagine not having that desire, and vice versa.

 

I think its more of the matter of empathy. For example, I want family and kids. but I also understand people who dont. People have the need to procreate and to have kids. That is how nature made us. But, not everybody should have kids. Not all people are for kids and making them have one would have a disastrously consequences. If they are more happy without kids, so be it. But hey, I work in education so saw consequences of bad raising of children by parents. Some of them absolutely shouldnt had kids when they are bad at raising them. That is why I said its more important for you to find somebody with whom you can actually live and raise those kids in peace. And not just with desire to have kids. More you move the age, more women would be opened to the idea of kids because of the biological clock. But that doesnt mean you should have kids with them. Some of the worst decisions I saw was from parents who just wanted to have kids. But had no desire to actually raise them properly.

[camouflage]

6 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Are you okay with having kids and doing all this alone, without a partner?

No doubt, yes, but that option doesn't exist in my country (Europe). Otherwise, I would have done it.

I don't think single fathers who become fathers on their own exist here.