I still miss him sometimes

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Art_demure said:

I think people who do grand gestures also lack love. I know many who do good and do not expect anything in return. They know what it feels like to be lonely or unloved, so they give and do good

A person who helps another person and expects nothing in return and does it for the right reasons does it because they desire to help and be of service.  Especially when they have a life where they have loving relationships. Doing it because they feel they "lack love" is not from a place of wanting to  give. Also to me it's a bad idea to assume that someone who is lonely or unloved would like a grand gesture.  Maybe that person will brighten up from a simple smile and being listened to by another person.  

[Art_demure]

Today when I was walking outside after my training, I saw police officers in their car. It just brought me to these episodic memories when I was brought to the police station and I called (him). 

He would just soothe me and called me on the phone, "Don't worry, there's no problem" 

And that time I froze and I could barely talk their native language. When I was in my cell with an Asian woman who happened to be in my situation as well, HE was the one who came and brought me food and supplies like tissues, a blanket, toothpaste and a toothbrush. So in prison I am allowed to go to the toilet under the supervision of the officers who watched us. 

So this man waited for me the whole night outside while I was in cell.

We did call each other and made jokes. He was the one who always made me laugh. I still smile at the memory sometimes. 

It's hard to explain to someone who never went through what I went through because I was alone and didn't have my family. I had a lawyer that time who blamed me a lot about my situation and took my case as if it was not worth his mission to help. Anyway glad it worked out in the end and I got to go back home to take my visa once again.

I am grateful to be able to even have a chance for going back here tbh

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, Art_demure said:

So this man waited for me the whole night outside while I was in cell.

Where outside? 

He was waiting outside the jail? Or? 

[Art_demure]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Where outside? 

He was waiting outside the jail? Or? 

The married guy. Yes. I will call him Oscar

[MissCanuck]

Just now, Art_demure said:

The married guy. Yes. I will call him Oscar

I asked where. 

Not who. We know it was the married guy. Where exactly was he waiting while you were in a cell? 

[Art_demure]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

I asked where. 

Not who. We know it was the married guy. Where exactly was he waiting while you were in a cell? 

Outside the station. I was allowed to have my cellphone and call him from my cell

[Art_demure]

 

[Art_demure]

Just now, Art_demure said:

 

This was the picture of the officers when they were about to bring me to the station. At that time, Oscar was already on the way while I called him

[Batya33]

Yes he is a person who helped you when you were in a bad spot -I guess his wife was out of town.  But he is not a person who was available to be your partner -to laugh with to support you when needed, to share life with because married men cannot date and he knows that and you know that so you've never been in the situation with him where you had to accept him as a partner -someone available to you -you could dream and pine and yearn and hang onto what a hero he was -when his wife or some other girl he was dating didn't need him. Much easier to feel a connection when there's no responsiblity that comes with commitment.

[MissCanuck]

Why did you post the photo, OP?

 

[Art_demure]

On 12/7/2024 at 9:56 AM, MissCanuck said:

Why did you post the photo, OP?

 

I just wanted to. I do here to vent my feelings. I am just going to share that one photo as a memory

[Art_demure]

On 12/7/2024 at 3:23 AM, Batya33 said:

Yes he is a person who helped you when you were in a bad spot -I guess his wife was out of town.  But he is not a person who was available to be your partner -to laugh with to support you when needed, to share life with because married men cannot date and he knows that and you know that so you've never been in the situation with him where you had to accept him as a partner -someone available to you -you could dream and pine and yearn and hang onto what a hero he was -when his wife or some other girl he was dating didn't need him. Much easier to feel a connection when there's no responsiblity that comes with commitment.

His wife knew actually about the incident. I heard him on the phone calling her after I was allowed to be sent out from the station. He drove me back home and bought me a fish that day. 

But yeah nothing really happened. That time it was interesting that he didn't want to hold my hands because I know he was getting along with his wife already.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Art_demure said:

His wife knew actually about the incident. I heard him on the phone calling her after I was allowed to be sent out from the station. He drove me back home and bought me a fish that day. 

But yeah nothing really happened. That time it was interesting that he didn't want to hold my hands because I know he was getting along with his wife already.

Yes and you have no idea what she said or what he really told her. Maybe he wasn't calling her and lied -maybe it was some other woman he'd planned to meet up with.Remember he lies and breaks commitments and cheats. Yes it's common sense or should be that a married man shouldn't hold hands with another woman in a romantic or potentially romantic way. That was thoughtful of him to give you a ride home before going home to his wife.

My opinion is you'll feel a lot better about yourself once you stop acting like the damsel in distress needing to be rescued by men.  One way is to develop habits that affirm your physical and mental strength.  Do hard things -work out and push yourself in a cardio way or lifting weights.  Do the right thing especially when it's easier to do the wrong thing. Do  this with small stuff and larger stuff.  Build that grit and resilience and stop telling yourself you need all this extra protection to the extent of pursuing someone else's husband.

Also building discipline and restraint is like building muscles -repetition so stop the "cause I wanted to" as an excuse for unhealthy or bad behavior and "oh I just wanted to and felt sooooo guilty but I just can't help myself!" - and practice self discipline and restraint, pausing before speaking and acting even if it's a 24 hour plus pause. Show yourself you're not a child anymore who gets a pass for impulsivity that can hurt yourself or others.

[Art_demure]

48 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes and you have no idea what she said or what he really told her. Maybe he wasn't calling her and lied -maybe it was some other woman he'd planned to meet up with.Remember he lies and breaks commitments and cheats. Yes it's common sense or should be that a married man shouldn't hold hands with another woman in a romantic or potentially romantic way. That was thoughtful of him to give you a ride home before going home to his wife.

My opinion is you'll feel a lot better about yourself once you stop acting like the damsel in distress needing to be rescued by men.  One way is to develop habits that affirm your physical and mental strength.  Do hard things -work out and push yourself in a cardio way or lifting weights.  Do the right thing especially when it's easier to do the wrong thing. Do  this with small stuff and larger stuff.  Build that grit and resilience and stop telling yourself you need all this extra protection to the extent of pursuing someone else's husband.

Also building discipline and restraint is like building muscles -repetition so stop the "cause I wanted to" as an excuse for unhealthy or bad behavior and "oh I just wanted to and felt sooooo guilty but I just can't help myself!" - and practice self discipline and restraint, pausing before speaking and acting even if it's a 24 hour plus pause. Show yourself you're not a child anymore who gets a pass for impulsivity that can hurt yourself or others.

Tbh I did all those weightlifting, doing martial arts and although it did help and build my confidence, it won't really change the way I feel about him. Of course doing self discipline and restraining myself from doing impulsive things is important.

I think I am not ashamed to have my inner child in me because it helped me go through hardships and looking things at the brighter side instead of reality. It makes me not resentful of anyone

 

 

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Art_demure said:

I am just going to share that one photo as a memory

But it's also a memory of being in trouble with the law. 

I think it's time you made some new memories, that have nothing to do with this man. 

 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Art_demure said:

Tbh I did all those weightlifting, doing martial arts and although it did help and build my confidence, it won't really change the way I feel about him. Of course doing self discipline and restraining myself from doing impulsive things is important.

I think I am not ashamed to have my inner child in me because it helped me go through hardships and looking things at the brighter side instead of reality. It makes me not resentful of anyone

 

 

Having an inner child is lovely. Has nothing to do with doing the right thing when it's hard and being a person who values resilience and grit. As you wrote - we all like to have that so-called inner child. It's normal.  You don't need to change the way you feel.  You need to change the way you react to how you feel so you stop hurting yourself and others and as Miss Canuck suggested make memories that don't involve this married guy. I've had crushes on married men etc - in my lifetime - I felt what I felt. I reacted by behaving appropriately.

[enigma32]

On 12/3/2024 at 3:35 AM, Art_demure said:

I am afraid I will be too caught up in the past that I will compare my future partner to him. Not something I want to do because I subconsciously do that to anyone who pursues me.

 

Sorry for the slow reply. I don't use the forums often.

I think it's natural to compare new people to past partners. I think the right person will likely compare well to your exes. I think the danger is when people have multiple previous partners and try to find someone new with the best features of them all, minus many of the faults. I see that often.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, enigma32 said:

Sorry for the slow reply. I don't use the forums often.

I think it's natural to compare new people to past partners. I think the right person will likely compare well to your exes. I think the danger is when people have multiple previous partners and try to find someone new with the best features of them all, minus many of the faults. I see that often.

I think the danger is when the past partner is a married man as with the OP so the comparison is apples and oranges if the new person is single, available, and interested in a potentially serious relationship.

[enigma32]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think the danger is when the past partner is a married man as with the OP so the comparison is apples and oranges if the new person is single, available, and interested in a potentially serious relationship.

She's still allowed to want a guy that maybe has some of the same traits as as that married guy. Obviously that's what she likes, she just needs to find someone similar that is single.

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, enigma32 said:

She's still allowed to want a guy that maybe has some of the same traits as as that married guy. Obviously that's what she likes, she just needs to find someone similar that is single.

Um of course.  But I would go for that independently of comparing because the overarching trait of this person is he is married, he was not available to date anyone because married people can't date, and from reading her posts this particular person would likely go down the rabbit hole of not just parsing out "traits".  Also very often what's positive about being with an unavailable person is the positives are because he is unavailable or enhanced because he is unavailable and in an available person they might not be as exciting. I'm responding specifically about the OP not anyone else.

 

 

[SophiaG]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Um of course.  But I would go for that independently of comparing because the overarching trait of this person is he is married, he was not available to date anyone because married people can't date, and from reading her posts this particular person would likely go down the rabbit hole of not just parsing out "traits".  Also very often what's positive about being with an unavailable person is the positives are because he is unavailable or enhanced because he is unavailable and in an available person they might not be as exciting. I'm responding specifically about the OP not anyone else.

 

 

I still fail to see what's positive about this guy - other than the fact he happened to be there and lent help when OP was in distress. I understand @Art_demure, those are grave moments and people tend to bond with those at their side during those moments. But you've recognized and hopefully processed that was the source of your attraction to him. Other than that he's just an old married man who has bad temper and betrayed his wife and child. A single man who likes you will also help you in those situations and probably do even more. Once you see that clearly and fix your picker I can't imagine any new partner will fall short in comparison to him.

[Art_demure]

Tomorrow is my birthday. 

I will probably cry again. No idea why I am emotional these days. Is it because of hormones? He did give me presents usually in my birthday.

I do believe there will be someone who can do more than what he did...

I think. 

I will just have to be optimistic of the future, of course.

The heartache of being with someone who will never be yours does hurt. 

Welp I didn't know I will experience this.

I guess betrayal hurts also and I might have participated in the betrayal with him because of desperation. 

He is not in my life anymore...at least that is something I conquered and something I did to avoid my temptations.

Even if I become his other wife, i don't think it'll make me happy forever.

I don't think it will last for long. Only temporary.

I did find my inner potential after meeting him. It is something I learned the more I grow.

[MissCanuck]

17 minutes ago, Art_demure said:

Even if I become his other wife,

Do you actually think this is remotely possible? 

[Art_demure]

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Do you actually think this is remotely possible? 

In my culture there is a thing. But it is not recommeded. Polygamy isn't for everyone

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Art_demure said:

In my culture there is a thing. But it is not recommeded. Polygamy isn't for everyone

I realize it is practised in some places around the world. 

What am I asking is if you think that is even remotely plausible with this man? Why are you even pondering that?

It isn't going to happen.