I still miss him sometimes

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, Art_demure said:

He does make me feel safe and that's all I could remember about him. Not his temper or road rage or lies...

And that's just it. If you were his actual partner, you likely wouldn't feel safe at all. 

You'd see all sides of him. That would not feel good. 

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And that's just it. If you were his actual partner, you likely wouldn't feel safe at all. 

You'd see all sides of him. That would not feel good. 

Including because he'd likely cheat on you since his values justify that. 

One of my best friends died of cancer 20 years ago next month.  I miss her and she was a wonderful person in so many ways and contributed so much to the world as a therapist.  We  grew up together. She loved thanksgiving and spent her last one I believe on her parents' couch as she didn't want to miss the day.

Today though I was reminded -reminded myself -not to put her on a pedestal as some angel - she totally wouldn't have wanted that! But also it lets me miss her -she is not available to me just like your person is not available to you- and acknowledge that our friendship wasn't always the best and that she had flaws (just like me).  Since moving on with your life is what is best for you perhaps reminding yourself of the reality -including that you didn't really know him in any partner type way -you couldn't, by definition -may help with the memories that involve idealizing him.

[ShySoul]

11 hours ago, Art_demure said:

Thank you. That sums up for what I went through. It is saddening now that because of the lack of love back at home, I got it elsewhere.

Should be from people not like him, but I guess I did. I don't regret meeting him or loving him.

But being with him, I always do counterfactual thinking. "What if he were.." etc. 

He does make me feel safe and that's all I could remember about him. Not his temper or road rage or lies...

Actually see your family as the worst part of this. They aren't there like family should be and haven't given you the love and support you need. It's sad. Having had my own isssues with family, I've learned that we can't choose family and can't change them or rely on them to be there. But family isn't blood. Family is who we choose it to be. Surround yourself with friends that get you and are there for you. Be with those who really love you unconditionally. Hopefully you have a friend or two like that. Lean on them and trust their friendship.

The endless "what if" questions will drive you crazy and leave you stuck. I've been there. As hard as it is, you need to focus less on the past and what could have been, and more on the present that actually exists. You need to be in the moment, doing things for you to make yourself happy. 

I know, easier said then done. Right?

I don't regret things I've done or moments that others would probably look down on. It was right at the time. But I've had to compartmentalize them and not fixate on it.

Remember what you had. But don't be stuck there. See the good and bad in him and that it couldn't last. Then focus on you and moving forward with your life.

Hope you find a way out of these feelings and to something better.

[Art_demure]

On 11/29/2024 at 7:45 PM, ShySoul said:

Actually see your family as the worst part of this. They aren't there like family should be and haven't given you the love and support you need. It's sad. Having had my own isssues with family, I've learned that we can't choose family and can't change them or rely on them to be there. But family isn't blood. Family is who we choose it to be. Surround yourself with friends that get you and are there for you. Be with those who really love you unconditionally. Hopefully you have a friend or two like that. Lean on them and trust their friendship.

The endless "what if" questions will drive you crazy and leave you stuck. I've been there. As hard as it is, you need to focus less on the past and what could have been, and more on the present that actually exists. You need to be in the moment, doing things for you to make yourself happy. 

I know, easier said then done. Right?

I don't regret things I've done or moments that others would probably look down on. It was right at the time. But I've had to compartmentalize them and not fixate on it.

Remember what you had. But don't be stuck there. See the good and bad in him and that it couldn't last. Then focus on you and moving forward with your life.

Hope you find a way out of these feelings and to something better.

My family is not perfect and nor am I a perfect daughter. I do get jealous of girls back then who are close with their parents. 

I don't want to dwell on him too much, but he is always a part of me. Even if he is not present in my life anymore.

When I was in prison, I had a conversation with him that goes along like this...

"I never saw you as a bad guy actually. You always fulfilled me when I am low so no need to feel bad. I told you that I dreamt that I wanted to meet a man like you when I was young...or someone like you,"

However, his reply twisted my heart like a knife had just stabbed me.

It hurt like hell.

"I hope you meet the person of your dreams one day and you will be happy for a lifetime."

I cried over the phone and I have never felt a slap across the face that was not physical. But that was reality.

All these things he offered me. I do think he wanted me to remember the good things about him. That is the reason why he got upset when I blurted that I wanted to forget him. 

Since it is winter, it reminds me of the time when I was sick and he rushed to my door. He kneeled down, looked up to me and asked if I was ok and touched my bare feet. I was cold.

He brought me some soup and a gallon of water, I remember. I also once had a rose in the trash can and he caught them and asked me, "Who got you this?" 

I told him I bought it myself but regretted it and he didn't believe me.

If I chat on the phone with my ex boyfriend, he would get all cold and throw terse replies. 

His jealousy was a bit annoying sometimes but I was grateful that he was always there for me during those times. I've had others who took care of me like my friends, but I was never treated with that much attention from any man who was not part of my family. 

[Batya33]

He is a person who justifies cheating on his spouse and then feeling entitled to have the woman who is his side person all to himself. Nice.  I'd stop sugarcoating the past and focus on the fact that even when he did  favors for you it was not from a place of giving, not from a place of kindness or compassion -and when he was spending time helping you he was betraying his wife - who is also a woman as you are and perhaps she felt alone at those times.  And he didn't care.  

Hopefully you will stay out of criminal trouble and out of prison and make healthier choices for yourself.

[ShySoul]

10 hours ago, Art_demure said:

"I hope you meet the person of your dreams one day and you will be happy for a lifetime."

I am sure he meant well in saying that. I'm sure he really does want you to be happy with the right person. But I see how that comes off as a backhanded compliment. That is the last thing you want to hear from the person you are in love with. You don't want someone one day, you want them right now. Sorry you had to hear that.

I was told something similar as I got my heart broke. It devestated me. I didn't believe it and thought my chance for love was forever over. But surprisingly, it wasn't. I did meet someone better. I'm still working on the happy for a lifetime part, but I now know that just because someone I think is perfect for me doesn't work out, doesn't mean there can't be someone else even more perfect. You'll find that too, I hope soon.

Do you know why he cheated? I've encountered many cases of cheating and what I've seen is that it often isn't a simple case of cheating bad and person doing it is terrible person. There are many complex factors and emotions at play. Just because he did it, doesn't automatically make him bad. It doesn't mean he didn't care about you or his wife. He easily could have cared about both of you.

I'm not saying he was in the right or that things aren't better off with you separated. He should work on his marriage. You should have someone who can fully devote themselves to you. And the jealousy and rage are reasons enough to not be with him. I'm just curious about understanding how both of you felt. I looked at your prior post and can understand what you were feeling. But I wonder about his side.

Know there are other caring, supportive guys who will love and respect you. They will treat you right. And they will be single. Something better will happen for you. Just focus on building your life in the meantime and taking care of yourself.

[Art_demure]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Do you know why he cheated? I've encountered many cases of cheating and what I've seen is that it often isn't a simple case of cheating bad and person doing it is terrible person. There are many complex factors and emotions at play. Just because he did it, doesn't automatically make him bad. It doesn't mean he didn't care about you or his wife. He easily could have cared about both of you.

All I know is that he has a good family. He has a daughter he loves and his wife was kind to me when I met her. 

I was a guest and I'd say she wasn't exactly respectful to her husband in public. 

She yelled at him a lot. 

When he took care of me when I was sick from COVID, I heard her yelled at him on the phone. It was scary. 

That might drove him away.

I have been treated like that by my family and even strangers. It would obviously be tiring let alone a spouse. 

 

[Art_demure]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

He is a person who justifies cheating on his spouse and then feeling entitled to have the woman who is his side person all to himself. Nice.  I'd stop sugarcoating the past and focus on the fact that even when he did  favors for you it was not from a place of giving, not from a place of kindness or compassion -and when he was spending time helping you he was betraying his wife - who is also a woman as you are and perhaps she felt alone at those times.  And he didn't care.  

Hopefully you will stay out of criminal trouble and out of prison and make healthier choices for yourself.

Ok. Maybe you are right. Idk. 

I was having immigration problems. I didn't commit a crime but broke the immigration law which was not really my fault. But it is the past. I didn't really care. I got scammed and ended up staying in a cell. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Art_demure said:

Ok. Maybe you are right. Idk. 

I was having immigration problems. I didn't commit a crime but broke the immigration law which was not really my fault. But it is the past. I didn't really care. I got scammed and ended up staying in a cell. 

I'm sorry you were in that difficult situation.  I don't think your affair guy meant well in anything he said. I'd take it all with a grain of salt since he is a person who puts his pleasures and desires above all else even if it means lying to his spouse, betraying and deceiving her, and chasing after a woman who he already knows will get attached.  Assume all he said had ulterior motives and did not at all come from a good place. I think when he wished you well that was one of those throwaway cliches and partly to make sure you would take the hint and take a hike -perhaps he was getting scared his wife would find out or perhaps he found another side chick.  Cut out the I'll focus on his good qualities -that's you getting in your own way.

[ShySoul]

17 hours ago, Art_demure said:

I was having immigration problems. I didn't commit a crime but broke the immigration law which was not really my fault. But it is the past. I didn't really care. I got scammed and ended up staying in a cell. 

Sorry this happened to you. You've had it rough. You seem like a good person who didn't deserve any of this. Keep moving forward and working on building your life. All of this is the past and won't ultimately matter. What will matter is the future you are creating for yourself. And that future will be better. I know it.

I wouldn't assume good or bad intentions on his part. I would just take him for what he is, a flawed human being with both good and bad in him, just like all of us. 

The important person in this story is you. What counts is not what happened then, it's what happens now. Focus on what will make you happy in the present. Don't get caught up in the past. Just work on being comfortable and okay with yourself. 

[enigma32]

I think we all have moments in time when we look back and miss people from our past, especially when that past is very recent like it is with you. You made some memories and I'd keep it at that. There's millions of men in this world, you can definitely find someone who is better for you.

[Art_demure]

19 hours ago, enigma32 said:

I think we all have moments in time when we look back and miss people from our past, especially when that past is very recent like it is with you. You made some memories and I'd keep it at that. There's millions of men in this world, you can definitely find someone who is better for you.

I am afraid I will be too caught up in the past that I will compare my future partner to him. Not something I want to do because I subconsciously do that to anyone who pursues me.

 

[Art_demure]

On 12/2/2024 at 4:32 AM, ShySoul said:

The important person in this story is you. What counts is not what happened then, it's what happens now. Focus on what will make you happy in the present. Don't get caught up in the past. Just work on being comfortable and okay with yourself. 

Yes, I am and always improving myself. I always love to hangout with my friends because they are a replacement of my family in a way. Some of them are like a family to me. 

Although I have learned to be confident and brave enough to protect myself, I still feel like I am not used to it.

If I get harrassed by men around my area, I don't want to be passive anymore. 

I don't want to be quiet and passive like I used to. I always try to think about the present.

I tried training self defense, but I know I will always search for someone to shield me in the end.

I think looking up to strong women helped me be a bit independent in a way.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Art_demure said:

Yes, I am and always improving myself. I always love to hangout with my friends because they are a replacement of my family in a way. Some of them are like a family to me. 

Although I have learned to be confident and brave enough to protect myself, I still feel like I am not used to it.

If I get harrassed by men around my area, I don't want to be passive anymore. 

I don't want to be quiet and passive like I used to. I always try to think about the present.

I tried training self defense, but I know I will always search for someone to shield me in the end.

I think looking up to strong women helped me be a bit independent in a way.

How is it that you get harassed regularly? You can get used  to taking care of yourself -by doing it -practice makes perfect. As far as comparing its apples and oranges -he was committed elsewhere to his wife. He couldn't date you. He could do things that were thoughtful and caring -when it was convenient for him. Obviously you couldn't count on him because he was hooking up with you behind his wife's back so he couldn't simply go and be with you whenever.  Because he was never your person or your partner. So comparing is kinda silly - a person who is single and available to date you might not make as many grand gestures but will be a steady presence in your life because he will be available to be that person. 

Please don't lie to yourself with these "I will always seek someone to shield me" -really?? Why create this fake self fulfilling prophecy? Show yourself through actions -small actions count -that when faced with challenges or whatever you deal with it first and foremost on your own and you seek out resources as an independent person.  If you are living in an area that is that dangerous that men are regularly harassing you look into what you can do to move to a safer area or come up with ways to act in a safer way until you can. Don't just "try" self defense training -do it -and tell your instructor your concern that you will "always look" for someone to shield you -those instructors if they are good know how to discuss this with you and come up with less self-defeating stuff you can tell yourself.

A married man most likely cannot protect you -and watch out if  you do this again if he has a wife, a child or a family member who finds out about you and gets extremely angry. That's a reason to avoid that too.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

How is it that you get harassed regularly?

I was wondering the same. 

Where do you live that getting harrassed on the street is a regular event? 

[Art_demure]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I was wondering the same. 

Where do you live that getting harrassed on the street is a regular event? 

I live in the city. I go home alone at night and sometimes alone. I have always had stalkers. But thankfully not regularly.

[Art_demure]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Because he was never your person or your partner. So comparing is kinda silly - a person who is single and available to date you might not make as many grand gestures but will be a steady presence in your life because he will be available to be that person. 

True and sadly I will be sad if he doesn't do grand gestures. Or disappointed. I guess being single makes me introspect more. I am glad I don't have to hurt anyone if I am single. 

[MissCanuck]

13 minutes ago, Art_demure said:

I live in the city. I go home alone at night and sometimes alone. I have always had stalkers. But thankfully not regularly.

I live in a major city too, and have for decades. I can't say I have had always had stalkers, though. Who were these men who stalked you? 

[Art_demure]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

How is it that you get harassed regularly? You can get used  to taking care of yourself -by doing it -practice makes perfect. As far as comparing its apples and oranges -he was committed elsewhere to his wife. He couldn't date you. He could do things that were thoughtful and caring -when it was convenient for him. Obviously you couldn't count on him because he was hooking up with you behind his wife's back so he couldn't simply go and be with you whenever.  Because he was never your person or your partner. So comparing is kinda silly - a person who is single and available to date you might not make as many grand gestures but will be a steady presence in your life because he will be available to be that person. 

Please don't lie to yourself with these "I will always seek someone to shield me" -really?? Why create this fake self fulfilling prophecy? Show yourself through actions -small actions count -that when faced with challenges or whatever you deal with it first and foremost on your own and you seek out resources as an independent person.  If you are living in an area that is that dangerous that men are regularly harassing you look into what you can do to move to a safer area or come up with ways to act in a safer way until you can. Don't just "try" self defense training -do it -and tell your instructor your concern that you will "always look" for someone to shield you -those instructors if they are good know how to discuss this with you and come up with less self-defeating stuff you can tell yourself.

A married man most likely cannot protect you -and watch out if  you do this again if he has a wife, a child or a family member who finds out about you and gets extremely angry. That's a reason to avoid that too.

I have always been passive. Thankfully now not so much. I was passive because of my upbringing as well. Family members were all passive. The reason why I was not taken care of when I was sick or had problems like bullying growing up as a child, is because nobody protected me.

I guess why I seek of someone to shield me is because of that. I already joined kickboxing and wanted to do aikido. Never told my instructor about my past experiences as it is embarrassing. I only tell this on the internet anyway as I am anonymous

[Art_demure]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I live in a major city too, and have for decades. I can't say I have had always had stalkers, though. Who were these men who stalked you? 

Young guys though on the street. I was told to bring pepper spray so I did buy now. I go by public transportation and one of them do live near my area. But now the stalker is gone. I don't kno2 what happened. 

In my old apartment, I did say there was a guy banging at my door and the married guy did check up on me after I told him about the incident. That was 3 years ago.

There was also a guy in the park who harrassed me and I told this about it to my mom on the phone and she just laughed. I don't care about her reaction anymore. I try not take it to the heart nowadays 

[MissCanuck]

Just now, Art_demure said:

Young guys though on the street.

What did they do that made you think they were stalking you? 

[Art_demure]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

What did they do that made you think they were stalking you? 

One of them followed me when I got off from the bus and went to the bank. One of them did touch me inappropriately but I did not say anything and that was because I normalized it. I thought it was normal. I mean I guess it is normal.

[Art_demure]

12 minutes ago, Art_demure said:

One of them followed me when I got off from the bus and went to the bank. One of them did touch me inappropriately but I did not say anything and that was because I normalized it. I thought it was normal. I mean I guess it is normal.

There is more that I experienced and I am sure a lot of women have been through it as well. 

I was advised to report to the police if I see that guy again and if he does anything to me, I will do something about it...I hope.

In my mind I do want to push him away or do anything like kicking him or strangling him instead of NOTHING at all. Typical me of course

[Batya33]

54 minutes ago, Art_demure said:

True and sadly I will be sad if he doesn't do grand gestures. Or disappointed. I guess being single makes me introspect more. I am glad I don't have to hurt anyone if I am single. 

OK then find someone who is into that.  Sometimes those who do that either cannot keep it up long term because -you know -life - or aren't thoughtful when it comes to daily life and small gestures like - taking out the trash even if you usually do it, buying your favorite flavor of ice cream or ground coffee because he happens  to see it while he's shopping, or offering to drive you to a bus stop because it's raining. For sure someone can do both but tpyically the person who is focused on grand gestures isn't motivated as much by basic thoughtfulness and kindness but often is seeking approval or wanting attention on themselves.

You never have to hurt anyone intentionally no matter what your marital status. 

[Art_demure]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

OK then find someone who is into that.  Sometimes those who do that either cannot keep it up long term because -you know -life - or aren't thoughtful when it comes to daily life and small gestures like - taking out the trash even if you usually do it, buying your favorite flavor of ice cream or ground coffee because he happens  to see it while he's shopping, or offering to drive you to a bus stop because it's raining. For sure someone can do both but tpyically the person who is focused on grand gestures isn't motivated as much by basic thoughtfulness and kindness but often is seeking approval or wanting attention on themselves.

You never have to hurt anyone intentionally no matter what your marital status. 

I think people who do grand gestures also lack love. I know many who do good and do not expect anything in return. They know what it feels like to be lonely or unloved, so they give and do good