I snooped. And now I don’t know what to do.

[Picklez19]

So last night, my boyfriend (together 1.5 years, living together) had some friends over for game night. We were all drinking, and I was drunk. He gave me his phone to pick some music, and drunk me thought it was a good idea to snoop. And I found some  texts between him and a female friend. I do not know her. The initial texts I saw was them talking about sex, and about how much he enjoyed it with me. I scrolled up a little. And saw that she sent him two pictures of her in lingerie, asking for his opinions, and he gave them. My initial reaction was anger.  I was so angry that she would send them, and so angry at him for responding. Today I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel horrible for looking.  He has given me no reasons to think he is unfaithful. But my curiosity got the best of me and I don’t know what to do.  I feel like I need to tell him I saw that and I’m feeling very disrespected. How do I bring this up? 

[shouldhavelearned]

After you've gotten your thoughts together and When you're sober.

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, Picklez19 said:

How do I bring this up? 

You dont. He would just gaslight you into oblivion that it isnt what it looks like.

What you do is to make an exit strategy. Meaning for you to break up an move out. Say that it isnt working for you and that you need to move on. Because it really doesnt. Your boyfriend is a liar and a cheater. There is no way this works unless you want to turn off blind eye to his "extra relationship activities".

[MissCanuck]

There is no way you'll be able to bring this up without admitting you went through his phone. 

Are you prepared to do that? 

[WendyT]

You must of had some sort of suspicion to go through his phone in the first place, gut feelings are worth following! And on your first look you found something... there would probably be more if you dug a little deeper. The relationship between him and this other girl must run a little deeper if she is sending him sexy pictures ? 

You need to address it, although he will probably place blame on you for 'snooping' but at the end of the day it is him in the wrong. Don't forget that! It needs dealing with or it will eat you up from the inside out and make things 10 times worse.

[HeartGoesOn]

I would quit while I'm ahead of the game.  After all, unless you're prepared for a life of always looking over your shoulder, playing the role of a detective, etc, his betrayal will always remain one step behind you.  

Once the trust is taken away, there's no going back, (imo). With that being said, I hope you give this more thought along with making the right choices,

 

[smackie9]

What do you do? Dump his sorry a$$. That's what you do. 

[TeeDee]

You saw texts where he complimented you despite her obvious come ons.  HER behavior was inappropriate.  His wasn't so bad.  He didn't take the bait but he didn't tell her to stop either. 

Calm down.  You have zero evidence he cheated even if his female friend has no respect for you or your relationship. 

Tell him you snooped, found this & it upset you. Apologize for snooping.  Blame it on the alcohol.  Ask what he thinks should be done about this woman. 

In your shoes I would invite her over for dinner & ask why she thinks it's appropriate to send sexy pixs to a guy in a relationship. 

[tattoobunnie]

If my husband was talking about our sex life without my permission to others, I would be livid.

It doesn't matter if he cheated, what a complete violation for him to share those details.

I would just ask him why he is sharing details of your sex lives together with another woman that sent him pictures of her in lingerie.  Be upfront, because he isn't about to be.

I dated a guy like this; it didn't last, and good riddance.

[Picklez19]

Thank you all for the advice.  
I will be talking to him tonight. I will be honest about the snooping, and I am hoping that he is honest as well.  Let him know how that made me feel, and how disrespectful that is of her, and him for replying the way he did. 

[Andrina]

So what are your relationship rules about opposite sex friends, and have you thought about any changes you'd like to make after this incident, since it sounds like you plan on staying with him? Do you expect him to sever the relationship with this lady and any other woman when this sort of inappropriate communication is happening. Will you now have a rule that you have to meet all of his female friends and that if you're not comfortable with their friendship, will you expect him to sever those friendships? If he doesn't have the common sense to act appropriately, what does that say about his intelligence level and ethics? 

I'm also wondering if you'll give him more than one chance or if you're laying down the gauntlet that with one more slip up after the rules are established, that you will walk.

Is this lady friend long distance or local? I'd also wonder if she's local, why you've never been introduced. Normally, when you've been together this long and living together, you should've met all his friends.

[shouldhavelearned]

You can't put the genie back in the bottle and be thankful you found out.

It's up to you to either believe what's he's saying during the talk or prepare to hit the road.

 

[TeeDee]

On 11/25/2024 at 4:00 PM, Picklez19 said:

Thank you all for the advice.  
I will be talking to him tonight. 

So how did it go?  Are you thankful you talked or thankful that you are now single? 

[Picklez19]

14 hours ago, TeeDee said:

So how did it go?  Are you thankful you talked or thankful that you are now single? 

It went well.  I’m glad we talked. There was no gas lighting. No anger towards me for snooping, and we had a great talk. 
I am not single, despite the advice here lol. I did tell him that if this or anything else happens I’m out. 

[MissCanuck]

And what was his explanation? 

[Picklez19]

14 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

And what was his explanation? 

He said that she was getting ready for a date with her boyfriend.  Asked if she could send him outfit opinions.  And she sent him the pictures.  He said he didn’t know it would be lingering. Which I believe because I saw that part.  And no where did she mention it being lingering options.  
He was very apologetic (I know I know ) and told me that if she sends anything else or makes the texts sexual he will be going no contact with her.  I told him that I can’t promise I’ll be here if there’s a next time. I made it very clear how disrespected I felt and that while it was not 100% his fault, he still did not tell her that it was wrong. 

[MissCanuck]

55 minutes ago, Picklez19 said:

told me that if she sends anything else or makes the texts sexual he will be going no contact with her.

So, is he still in touch with her? 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, Picklez19 said:

He said that she was getting ready for a date with her boyfriend.  Asked if she could send him outfit opinions.  And she sent him the pictures.  He said he didn’t know it would be lingering.

Poor soul, he didnt know. I mean there is no way a liar is just, I dunno, good at lying.

If you want to close your eyes over stuff like this, I dont mind, its your life. Just dont say later you werent warned and didnt knew what was going on.

[Picklez19]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

So, is he still in touch with her? 

They have not talked since that last convo. 

[Picklez19]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Poor soul, he didnt know. I mean there is no way a liar is just, I dunno, good at lying.

If you want to close your eyes over stuff like this, I dont mind, its your life. Just dont say later you werent warned and didnt knew what was going on.

I’m aware. However, again, I read the texts. From the texts I read leading up to the pictures being sent, there was nothing that would’ve made me think that was what she was going to send.  
But you are right.  I am not going to pretend that this never happened. And I told him that. This isn’t a yeah we talked it’s over deal. I’m definitely not closing my eyes on this.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Picklez19 said:

I’m aware. However, again, I read the texts. From the texts I read leading up to the pictures being sent, there was nothing that would’ve made me think that was what she was going to send.  
But you are right.  I am not going to pretend that this never happened. And I told him that. This isn’t a yeah we talked it’s over deal. I’m definitely not closing my eyes on this.

Did he tell her that - and why didn't he delete her sexualized text? Also why is a woman sending a man outfit photos when she knows he has an SO? And why would he agree -is he in the industry? Why would he want to be in a role of telling her how she looks in outfits she will be wearing to impress a date? He's being asked to opine on what would turn on a guy basically.  This is inappropriate and he knew better.

My female friends have sent me photos of themselves in dresses they're thinking of buying and if a male friend wanted me to comment on a sweater or tie choice he likely would send me the photo only of the clothing item.  My male friends have sent me photos only of family - often my friend is in the photo but it's a photo he knows I can and likely will show my husband.  I send my male friends family photos -most often I am not even in them lol.  

[Andrina]

On 11/25/2024 at 4:20 PM, Andrina said:

Is this lady friend long distance or local? I'd also wonder if she's local, why you've never been introduced. Normally, when you've been together this long and living together, you should've met all his friends.

You never answered this question. Sounds like you might have a habit of overlooking a lot because knowing what you should really do about it is too scary. Probably scarier because you're living together and it's more work to break up. He doesn't really fear losing you, since if he will so easily sever her friendship if she crosses the line a second time, why would he play with fire and keep the connection with her if it meant losing you?

If you haven't even met her, she's no lifelong buddy he regularly gets together with, and yet instead of showing you his priority is you and your comfort level about all this. His friendship with her seems to lack relevance, yet your feelings are even less relevant than that "friendship." A true female friend would want to meet you and would be thrilled with her buddy being happy. Who is she? 

[TeeDee]

On 11/29/2024 at 7:02 AM, Picklez19 said:

 I’m definitely not closing my eyes on this.

So when are you, her & her BF going on a double date?  Seriously. You need to meet her.  The Art of War reminds us to keep our friends close but our enemies closer.    If you don't like what you see & hear on that double date at some point during it I would oh so sweetly ask the BF what he thought of the lingerie she modeled for your BF before their date.   

[rainbowsandroses]

38 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

So when are you, her & her BF going on a double date?  Seriously. You need to meet her.  The Art of War reminds us to keep our friends close but our enemies closer.    If you don't like what you see & hear on that double date at some point during it I would oh so sweetly ask the BF what he thought of the lingerie she modeled for your BF before their date.   

Agree^^.

Give people enough rope and you eventually find out everything you need to know without all the guesswork.