Ex claims sexual assault after toxic relationship

[Tpalm641]

So to give a little background me and my ex were dating for 6 years it became a very toxic relationship. We both suffer from depression and anxiety issues. She also has bipolar disorder. Needless to say things ended up becoming very toxic. Because of my anxiety I wouldn't go out alot for social events and it effected our relationship. Her depression and anxiety also effected our relationship because we were unable to communicate pretty much at all. We started to drift apart. I suspected she was loosing feelings for me but we were still together. We would go months without kissing let alone having sex. It added to the stress and tension of the relationship. I would always tell her that I thought she was perfect the way she was but she insisted I had to change alot about me in order to be with her. She gave me many things I needed to work on in order to keep her. When I wanted engage in physical affection with her i was always denied and told maybe later or not now. It got to the point where I felt uncomfortable engaging with her that way. So I would literally ask her as unromantic as that sounds and it almost became like it was a joke she was say no thank you. It was very demoralizing. So I went back to just trying to get her in the mood by being romantic or engaging small physical contact. Well one night we were sitting on the couch and we started kissing and making out and it led to us going to the bed everything was ok. We were kissing and I went to pull her pants down she didn't say anything when I went to have sex per say she tightened up and thought I was doing something wrong so I asked if she was ok and she said no. So I stopped. She got up and said she needed to leave. She kissed me on the way out and drove off. Later she texted me and said she needed a break. About two weeks went by she came back over and decided she couldn't be with me anymore cause of what I did and all of the other issues we were having. I said I understood but was still kinda confused. As she was about to leave she grabbed me and preceded to makeout with me. Than said goodbye. That was the last time I saw her. 6 months went by with no contact I finally decided to speak to her and she says that I sexually assaulted her. I feel like a horrible person and even asked her if she wanted me to turn myself in. She said no. Iv been having suicidal thoughts because I feel like a horrible person. She still is speaking to me and says that she misses me. I feel so confused.  Any advice will help.

[Batya33]

I'm so sorry you are in this situation.  Was she sober during this encounter? Were you? It also sounds like she hasn't gone to police/authorities to report this -she's just accusing you.  As a romantic couple what you did IMO was agreed to by her impliedly -meaning you'd had sex in the past, you were in bed, you were already kissing and you started to progress to sex, noticed something was off and then stopped when she indicated an issue.  To me that's -fine -better than fine. I think she might remember it differently -especially if she was not sober and perhaps she thought she told you earlier to stop or did  tell you and you didn't hear her. Is that possible? If you are feeling suicidal please get mental health help.

[Tpalm641]

We were both completely sober we don't drink or do drugs. Yea honestly I didn't hear her say she wasn't okay with it or anything. The only way I could tell was by her face and that she tightened up thats when I knew something was wrong. That's when I asked if she wanted me to stop and she said yes. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Tpalm641 said:

We were both completely sober we don't drink or do drugs. Yea honestly I didn't hear her say she wasn't okay with it or anything. The only way I could tell was by her face and that she tightened up thats when I knew something was wrong. That's when I asked if she wanted me to stop and she said yes. 

Yes so please know you did your best under the circumstances to treat her with respect.  

[ShySoul]

I'm sorry you are hurting.

You are not a horrible person. From what you said this wasn't assault. You were a couple who mutually agreed to start being intimate. You proceeded as usual but stopped as soon as you sensed something was wrong. You consulted with her and respected her choice when she said things should stop. You handled everything right.

She honestly seems very confused with herself. I think she knows nothing happened like that, but that saying it is a way to cope with her mixed emotions. If you did something wrong to her, then she is justified in calling it off. Anything she did to you can then be dismissed. But if you did do that, why would she make out with you after? Why say she misses you now? 

Her depression, anxiety, being bipolar, making up this story - there are a lot of things within her that she needs to resolve. She needs to do this. It's not your fault. So please don't blame yourself. And please, don't harm yourself. You seem like a caring person. Don't do something to yourself because of her issues.

Take care.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Tpalm641 said:

finally decided to speak to her and she says that I sexually assaulted her.

No. You didn't. Women like her make me angry, because she devalues the plight of women who were truly sexually assualted and need help. Women like her can also easily destroy the life of an innocent man who committed no crime. 

What a horrible thing to accuse you of, and she knows darn well you didn't assault her. That's why she doesn't want you to go to the police, because she knows they will come looking for her side od the story, and she knows this isn't true. You stopped as soon as soon as you realized she wasn't into it. That is a sexual encounter between a couple gone sideways - not assault. 

Please stop all contact with this woman. She is the type who will ruin your life if you give her the leeway to do it. 

[ShySoul]

15 hours ago, Tpalm641 said:

Iv been having suicidal thoughts because I feel like a horrible person.

Outside of her, how are you feeling? How do you deal with your depression? Are you getting help, if you feel you need it?

You're mental health is the most important thing here. No one person, no matter who they are, is work having thoughts of suicide.

Please focus on feeling better about yourself. See what a good person you are. And if you need to talk about anything else, please do. Sometimes talking it out and having someone there to listen helps. If you need to talk, we can listen.

[lostandhurt]

  In this post you didn't mention anything about what she is claiming now and she didn't mention it either as far as I can tell.  This would seem to be a very huge deal so I agree you acted in a very respectful manner and as soon as you felt something wasn't right you asked her and when she said there was a problem you stopped right away.  Up until that point she was an active participant and you did nothing wrong and really did everything right in my opinion.

  You mentioned that she is Bi Polar.  I dated and fell in love with someone that is Bi Polar so I know how things can go from perfect to chaos in seconds.  You said she wasn't wrong for breaking up with you, I think even though you are hurting it was a gift from her.  It is hard enough to manage your own mental health without episodes from your partner making it worse and making you feel bad about yourself.

  I know you feel guilty over the way you leaned to hard on her for support and weren't as good as you could have been but you should not feel guilty over what she is accusing of.

 Going no contact with her is the best medicine for you both at this point.

Lost