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Letter to ex g/f...female or male input sought. She's called

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This is a letter that I sent back in April to my ex g/f after doing no contact for a few weeks. She didnt respond to it then, and I've left her alone since, with the exception of sending her a holiday card which didnt really say anything. But as indicated in my other posts she is starting to call me again and not leave messages. I'd like some feedback on this letter and how she might see it, from a woman's eyes. A woman with commitment issues, low self esteem issues, jealousy issues, insecurity issues...these are why she got scared and panicked and sabotaged our relationships. (See my other threads for back ground). Anyway, now she has called me and not left messages on both my phone within the last 2 weeks. I havent called her back because I have no idea what she wants. I just wish she would leave me a message, then I would call her back. How do you think she viewed this letter. Do you think it has anything to do with her calling me? I think I definitely made it clear that the door isn't shut to her right?


Anyway, I'd like you good people's input. Despite my intent, I think it may have pushed her further away. I wanted her to have something from me on paper though, so she could refer to it whenever. Let me know if it's any good.


Over the past several weeks I've learned just how deep my feelings for you run. You chose to push me away for reasons not under my control; but that doesn't make being apart from you hurt any less. In some ways it makes it even more painful because throughout our time together we have always enjoyed an easy, comfortable, and genuine connection of which has never been experienced with anyone before you, and what saddens me most is the putting on hold of the potential we have together and the good times we were looking forward to sharing in the near future. Nothing feels worse than the whole "feels like I've lost my best friend" feeling, accurately stated.


All I ever wanted or hoped for, S____, was for you to eventually open up your heart to me, to share your deepest thoughts and feelings, trust me with your innermost doubts, fears, and anxieties; while at the same time discussing your fondest hopes and dreams as well. I understand that "opening up" is difficult for you, even more difficult when you are with someone you really care about, and more importantly, when you are with someone you know feels just as strongly about you. It can be really scary letting another person into your heart, even more terrifying when you have opened your heart in the past only to have it wounded. When it's been wounded too many times, you start building a wall around it. A protected heart is also a closed heart….and your heart is too precious an asset to be walled in. You're a wonderful and beautiful person! You've always seen me as a man you trust and care about. Hopefully one day you will feel secure enough with me to take down part of that wall. Maybe you find this frightening, but you need to know that I'm the last person who would ever do anything to hurt you. That's probably scary in itself as well because we are always afraid of hurting those we care about, and those who care about us. You need to also know that there isn't anything you couldn't tell me about or discuss with me…my affections towards you have always been sincere, unconditional, non-judgemental, and most of all, …"all about S____"


Anyway, there are more feelings and observations that would be better expressed to you in person at some point in time, just wanted to let you know some of the things that have been on my mind, and near to my heart, while reminding you that I haven't forgotten the brilliance of your smile, the clarity of your voice, and the kindness of your touch


I just want to say that I miss you, and that I care. Your issues with with commitments and relationships are understandable, but there is one commitment from me that you have always had, and will continue to have….the commitment from me to hold you, look into your eyes, kiss you gently, and say the words: "S____, I understand"…and the ongoing commitment to always try and understand, even on occasions when I might not.


Yours always,


Thanks for any input on this. I appreciate it.

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For someone with

A woman with commitment issues, low self esteem issues, jealousy issues, insecurity issues...
that letter might have seemed very heavy. It's like you are pushing really hard for some reciprocated commitment when she obviously isn't emotionally ready for it.


You could have just sent the last paragraph and left it at that.

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I think you might be right. I've asked for input on this note on a couple of other boards, and most people say it's a lovely and very touching letter, and that she should be happy to have someone who feels that way about her....


However, given that she isn't exactly the most emotionally healthy girl in the world. It may have bummed her out with guilt feelings along the lines of "I f@cked up..again...with this guy...he really does care and understand me, but look what I did to him".


I had a good friend of mine who suffers from the same issues as my ex...and she told me that's how she might have taken it. An emotionally healthy person may have come running back into my arms after reading it....but I'm not dealing with someone whose emotionally healthy so it may have pushed her away even more.


Anyway, she's called me again. Just wish I knew what she wanted.

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Understand that sometimes things never change. There are chances that she will grow out and move past her insecurities but also know there are chances she never will and give YOU the life that you deserve for YOURSELF to be happy. You and I seem to be much alike for having a relationship with a "low self esteem-conscious" MAJOR insecurtiy issue girl. Perhaps she is not ready at this time, but honestly... can YOU wait around for her until she is ready? That is the question you need to ask yourself.


And then once you ask yourself that, ask yourself "Can you accept the fact that she might not ever grow out of that insecurity and you might be left hanging on"? And one more, "Can you accept the fact that she might give you that relationship you know you deserve only to find out she can't complete it and give you what you need in a relationship because of security issues that she might not even be able to get over with"?


As for myself, I honestly couldn't hang on any longer. My feelings were EXACTLY like yours and it hurt so much to just linger when my feelings were so intense; and only to have them to share and not given in return was devestating. You wrote a great letter and I think it meant alot to her. But that still will not change her insecurity issue. If anything it could have made her even more so. I think the best thing to do is give her time to help herself because honestly thats all you really can do.

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