How to be happy ?

[Stephaniee]

 Hello everyone!

From your experience how do you guys get over failure and feeling like everyone is ahead ? 

In an unfortunate get together I was very ashamed of lying that I work when I actually got fired, I found some of my classmates got their PhD before being 30 years old and some are married with kids 

It deeply upset me that I wasn't productive these 6 years, I dont know what I did wrong, I only learned a new language but it wasn't as impressive as what they had done. I tried so hard to pursue masters degree but I couldn't cuz I needed scholarship and it's very competitive,  I just can't find my place in the society. I feel desperate and sad. I tried watching videos on self help and confidence but I dont know  how to apply it.

If anyone was ever in such situation what would you do to feel happy or find your place ?

[BeaTlesFan77]

11 minutes ago, Stephaniee said:

 Hello everyone!

From your experience how do you guys get over failure and feeling like everyone is ahead ? 

In an unfortunate get together I was very ashamed of lying that I work when I actually got fired, I found some of my classmates got their PhD before being 30 years old and some are married with kids 

It deeply upset me that I wasn't productive these 6 years, I dont know what I did wrong, I only learned a new language but it wasn't as impressive as what they had done. I tried so hard to pursue masters degree but I couldn't cuz I needed scholarship and it's very competitive,  I just can't find my place in the society. I feel desperate and sad. I tried watching videos on self help and confidence but I dont know  how to apply it.

If anyone was ever in such situation what would you do to feel happy or find your place ?

Hi Stephaniee.  I'm going through the same thing right now.  At this point, I'm 47, and I've never been married or owned a home.  I have a couple of friends from high school, college, and a co-worker who went on to have their own families and homes.  Like you said, it hurts to see them get ahead and feel like you've been left at the train station in the dust.  What I keep reminding myself is that life is a marathon and not a race.  We just haven't arrived at that part of the marathon where we reached that particular goal.  I also think about and appreciate everything I have done and accomplished.  Count my blessings that I have a roof over my head and a supportive family.  There is always going to be someone who wishes they were in your shoes who doesn't have what you have.  I hope this helps. 

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. I'm old, so I have a lot to look back on. My most difficult times were comparing myself to others. That is the ultimate hole to climb out of, as there is no human alive who cannot find something about someone else that can make them feel inadequate in comparison.

Think in terms of having a broken leg and comparing your abilities to friends who have just climbed Mount Everest. It makes no sense. You are healing and working your therapies. You have every reason to celebrate your focused accomplishments, yet you'd sink yourself in comparison with athletes.

Same is true of living. Embrace a 'valid scope' of accomplishment. If your achievements for a day include taking a shower, dressing, and making your bed, can you be grateful for running water, clean clothing, and a bed?

It's about how we decide to frame our reality. Head high.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, catfeeder said:

My heart goes out to you. I'm old, so I have a lot to look back on. My most difficult times were comparing myself to others. That is the ultimate hole to climb out of, as there is no human alive who cannot find something about someone else that can make them feel inadequate in comparison.

Think in terms of having a broken leg and comparing your abilities to friends who have just climbed Mount Everest. It makes no sense. You are healing and working your therapies. You have every reason to celebrate your focused accomplishments, yet you'd sink yourself in comparison with athletes.

Same is true of living. Embrace a 'valid scope' of accomplishment. If your achievements for a day include taking a shower, dressing, and making your bed, can you be grateful for running water, clean clothing, and a bed?

It's about how we decide to frame our reality. Head high.

I agree with how this is put. Stephanie my heart goes out to you too.  In 2004 I had this -day.  I went to a professional event.  At the time I was unhappily single with a loudly ticking clock -an ex and I were sort of seeing each other but it wasn't going well. I wasn't even sure I wanted it to.

I was 38.  At this event I saw a grad school classmate who was always kind of obnoxious and a self proclaimed feminist etc.  She made some small talk then gushed -can you believe it -I'm married!! And flashed her ring.  Then I went to my table for the program to start. And... my ex boyfriend comes by - to say "hi" and -he'd recently married too lol.  Then another former colleague -a man - who I made the mistake of telling how hard dating life was -he said "just have a baby on your own!!!" which was something I'd already decided not to do.  Then I returned home to find out: one of my friends was pregnant with a baby on her own, due soon.  And another very dear friend had late stage cancer.  It was - hard.  Yes I compared to the hilt that day.  I felt like a loser.  

Honestly the only thing that helped me that time was..... time.  It's so hard to go to a gathering like you went to and I went to.  I think it's fine that you lied.  Whatever works. 

And yes each day think of three good things you accomplished however simple -maybe even a small kindness you did for a stranger. I'm not going to tell you oh I bet at least some of your friends are struggling/unhappy -that's sour grapes. OTOH reality is that there are ups and downs and you will be there for your friends during both times I bet -you seem to have a really good heart.  I recommend Martha Beck's teachings in addition to what Catfeeder suggested.  And you know what it's totally fine to avoid these sorts of gatherings if for now it's too much for you.

Take care and we're here for you.

[shouldhavelearned]

Depends on the person 

Some do, some don't 

[Cherylyn]

Whenever I've felt down,  I helped and served the disadvantaged.  Then I realized how millions of people are worse off than I am.  Examples are feeding the homeless,  visiting nursing homes,  volunteering at a food bank,  serving holiday meals for those have no one and your choices are limitless.  Simply search online for local charitable good works.  Counting your blessings and practicing gratitude are the secrets to happiness.

If you're faith based,  join your local church.  There are many ministries to serve there.  It branches out to smaller groups. 

 

[ShySoul]

Sucess is a relative term. For some it can mean being a wealthy CEO, having a family, being famous, or all the other sterotypical things people think about. For others it can be as simple as making it through the day when you are so overcome with sorrow that you struggle just to get out of bed. 

Every person will have their own definition of success or failure. It's vital to not compare ourselves to anyone else. Don't play by their rules or define yourself in terms of others. Be your own person and define yourself by who you are. Do the things you want to do. Embrace yourself. As long as you are pushing ahead and doing what you can to fulfill whatever you like and believe is your mission in life, then you aren't a failure. You are being you. And that is success. So be happy with yourself.

I also struggle with being happy. I feel like I don't fit or belong. My job is nothing impressive. At 41 I'm still waiting for that person I can be with. Everyday feels like another crisis, something going wrong that leaves me sad and depressed. I cry a little everyday, wishing for things to get better. 

What has helped me is to focus on my strengths, to see the person I am inside and ignore the external distractions. At my core I know I am a smart, caring person doing my best to make my life, and the life of those I am around better. I am happy with who I am and what I do, so what anyone else does isn't important.

And second, I give back. I don't want others to feel as unhappy as I have been. So I channel the unhappiness towards something positive. If I can cheer up just one person, make their day brighter, then that is something important. That is more important then any job, title, or dollar amount. Making others happy and helping them is the greatest thing we can do, and in turn, it can make us feel happy and valuable.