Should I feel bad about hooking up with another girl at the same club as my ex?

[facelesswanderer]

Hey everyone. 

It’s the morning after Friday night and I feel sick.

I made a couple posts about this girl I was seeing who dipped out on me twice, and this is a continuation of that.

So it was a work party with some former coworkers, and she was there with her friends. I just treat her like a friend now. I don’t really have feelings for her anymore and I thought she felt the same way about me. 

Anyway, long story short there was a woman there who was slightly older than me who was literally ALL over me the whole night. I wasn’t very interested in her but she kept making out with me and I started enjoying it so yeah it was mutual at the end. 

Eventually I realised she was too drunk so I paid for an uber to her house and sent her home which she was pissed about but whatever, I’m not gonna screw someone who is more intoxicated than me.

Anyway, so we were just sitting on a random table near the entrance of the bar the whole night and apparently the girl who dumped me… TWICE… saw it and is angry and upset with me. Now her friends hate me too. 

Should I apologise or feel bad? Seriously I’m so confused here, I’m not sure if I even did anything wrong. She was literally talking about other dudes when I was near her so I assumed she moved on completely.

It’s been around 4 weeks since she dropped me.

[Cherylyn]

She dumped you twice so you're a free bird.  So what if her friends hate you, too?  Disconnect and detach from her and her friends because she's considered history to you. 

Don't apologize.  It's not as if you cheated on her because you're no longer in a relationship with your ex.

[HeartGoesOn]

She doesn't want you, yet she doesn't want anyone else to have you. This is her problem, not yours. It's time to move on and live your life.

[ShySoul]

You had a drunken make out session in front of everybody with someone you weren't even interested in. 

Can you see that it might be upsetting for anyone to watch? Can you see how a person who did care for you and like you at one point might be annoyed watching that? Would you really be comfortable if she starting making out with someone she wasn't with and is almost a stranger right in front of you? To the point they are all over each other?

Her TALKING about other guys is not the same as you MAKING OUT with one. Seeing it right in front of her is going to bring up old feelings. It's bound to be uncomfortable at a minimum.

It's only been a month. Feelings don't just disappear in a month. Even if you are seeing other people and trying to move on, those thoughts and feelings linger. Being suddenly confronted in such a shocking manner is unexpected. You don't know how to react. And for many people hurt/anger is the emotion that raises to the top.

It also just comes across as a kind of classless thing to do. Kiss someone, sure. But if it's to the hot and heavy point of a make out session, do that behind closed door when people don't have to see it. And do it with someone you actually know and like, not to do it just for the sake of doing it.

You don't have to apologize. But it would be a nice gesture. You weren't aiming to hurt anyone I'm sure. But your also weren't considerate to her feelings. So it depends on the relationship you are trying to have with her.  If you want to stay civil and polite with each other, then apologize and say you will try to think about how your actions will affect those around you. If you want nothing to do with her and don't ever want to speak to or see her again, then do nothing.

[facelesswanderer]

20 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

You had a drunken make out session in front of everybody with someone you weren't even interested in. 

Can you see that it might be upsetting for anyone to watch? Can you see how a person who did care for you and like you at one point might be annoyed watching that? Would you really be comfortable if she starting making out with someone she wasn't with and is almost a stranger right in front of you? To the point they are all over each other?

Her TALKING about other guys is not the same as you MAKING OUT with one. Seeing it right in front of her is going to bring up old feelings. It's bound to be uncomfortable at a minimum.

It's only been a month. Feelings don't just disappear in a month. Even if you are seeing other people and trying to move on, those thoughts and feelings linger. Being suddenly confronted in such a shocking manner is unexpected. You don't know how to react. And for many people hurt/anger is the emotion that raises to the top.

It also just comes across as a kind of classless thing to do. Kiss someone, sure. But if it's to the hot and heavy point of a make out session, do that behind closed door when people don't have to see it. And do it with someone you actually know and like, not to do it just for the sake of doing it.

You don't have to apologize. But it would be a nice gesture. You weren't aiming to hurt anyone I'm sure. But your also weren't considerate to her feelings. So it depends on the relationship you are trying to have with her.  If you want to stay civil and polite with each other, then apologize and say you will try to think about how your actions will affect those around you. If you want nothing to do with her and don't ever want to speak to or see her again, then do nothing.

1. Yeah, it was at a club. We were mostly on the dance floor but moved over to the tables later. It happens.

2. Yes, I can see how it would be upsetting to watch but I also think she needs to get over it if she's the one who burnt me twice when I did really like her at one point. 

3. She wasn't just "talking" about other guys. Some dude who she's started talking with asked her to hang out over text and she got super excited right next to me lmao. 

4. I do want to speak with her I want her as a friend but I don't know how to approach it now. I kind of just want to pretend nothing happened and not apologise at all.

[shouldhavelearned]

Embarrassing all around

Find new people and places to hang out at/with 

[enigma32]

I'd ignore her. She dumped you. "You reap what you sow."

[MissCanuck]

Nah, she needs to grow up and get over herself. 

11 hours ago, facelesswanderer said:

I kind of just want to pretend nothing happened and not apologise at all.

Good, because you have nothing to apologize for. She is butt-hurt because she got her ego bruised, but that is not your problem. 

[catfeeder]

You have no reason to apologize to the ex, but if you were with friends of your own, then yes, you can expect them to find it rude if you make out with someone in front of them.

If their friendships don't matter to you, then move on without apology, and only club with friends who are also only out for themselves to make out with people.

If the goal of meeting friends at a club is to socialize with those friends, then don't neglect them. If the goal of going to a club is to do your own thing, then just go and do your own thing without any pretense of socializing with anyone else.

[ShySoul]

1. Never happened to me or anyone I am close to, at a club or anywhere else. Though if that is what people do at clubs, explains why I was miserable the one time I went to one.

2. You are holding her past mistakes against her and using it to justify not caring if you hurt her. That sounds like you haven't got over it.

3. I'll believe she wasn't just talking. But you have given no proof of anything wrong. Hanging out with another person isn't a crime. A person has the right to be friends with anyone they want, it isn't up to us to decide who they should or should not be talking to/hanging out with. Do you have proof there was more to it?

Not that I don't believe you. Just don't think we have the full picture based on what you said.

4. If you want her as a friend, you can't hold her past actions against her. It will constantly cause problems between the two of you. You need to find a way to forgive her and look past that. You need to be able to control your anger and hurt over it. You need to not blame her and let it affect your outlook.

It's natural to want to avoid things, pretend nothing happened. But stuff did happen. It happened with her actions. And it happened with yours at the club. If you continue to avoid it, then you will never be able to resolve things. You will never be able to be friends. If you are okay with that, then avoid it. But if you want more, you need to talk to her and both own up to your actions and your feelings. You need to both apologize for your role in things and see if you can agree to put it in the past and try to restart as friends.

[ShySoul]

People will make mistakes. They will hurt us. Doesn't mean we have to return in kind. Doesn't mean we have to view them negatively 

Our actions are our actions. We should never use other people's actions and errors to justify our own. If we make a mistake, we should be a mature adult about it and own up to it. We should apologize for our actions. What the other side does, is whatever they do. Being sorry for our actions, is simply the right thing to do as good people try their best to not hurt others and feel bad if they do.

[facelesswanderer]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

1. Never happened to me or anyone I am close to, at a club or anywhere else. Though if that is what people do at clubs, explains why I was miserable the one time I went to one.

2. You are holding her past mistakes against her and using it to justify not caring if you hurt her. That sounds like you haven't got over it.

3. I'll believe she wasn't just talking. But you have given no proof of anything wrong. Hanging out with another person isn't a crime. A person has the right to be friends with anyone they want, it isn't up to us to decide who they should or should not be talking to/hanging out with. Do you have proof there was more to it?

Not that I don't believe you. Just don't think we have the full picture based on what you said.

4. If you want her as a friend, you can't hold her past actions against her. It will constantly cause problems between the two of you. You need to find a way to forgive her and look past that. You need to be able to control your anger and hurt over it. You need to not blame her and let it affect your outlook.

It's natural to want to avoid things, pretend nothing happened. But stuff did happen. It happened with her actions. And it happened with yours at the club. If you continue to avoid it, then you will never be able to resolve things. You will never be able to be friends. If you are okay with that, then avoid it. But if you want more, you need to talk to her and both own up to your actions and your feelings. You need to both apologize for your role in things and see if you can agree to put it in the past and try to restart as friends.

1. When I go to clubs I'll usually end up making out with someone.

2. I'm really not lol. And yeah maybe I haven't completely got over being hurt twice, what does that matter though?

3. C'mon bro, seriously? She never told me about this guy and you don't react by screaming "OMG TYLER JUST ASKED ME TO HANG OUT WHAT SHOULD I SAY" when you're just friends hahaha.

4. I do forgive her. I'm just saying that I'm not going to apologise for moving on and she shouldn't feel upset about that. Plus if she's this excited about this Tyler dude then I figure she has as well.

[MissCanuck]

You're good, OP. 

This is just a case of a bruised ego for her, that's it. She'll get over it. 

[smackie9]

Wow the maturity level with those b$%^&*# are pretty low. I say who gives a rat's a$$. IMO you don't need to be associated with them bimbos. Apologize for what? Because she got butt hurt? Nah you just carry on as usual. You can stick you whip anywhere you want at anytime.

[ShySoul]

On 11/16/2024 at 11:01 PM, facelesswanderer said:

1. When I go to clubs I'll usually end up making out with someone.

2. I'm really not lol. And yeah maybe I haven't completely got over being hurt twice, what does that matter though?

3. C'mon bro, seriously? She never told me about this guy and you don't react by screaming "OMG TYLER JUST ASKED ME TO HANG OUT WHAT SHOULD I SAY" when you're just friends hahaha.

4. I do forgive her. I'm just saying that I'm not going to apologise for moving on and she shouldn't feel upset about that. Plus if she's this excited about this Tyler dude then I figure she has as well.

1. If all you want is to make out, fine. Personally, I hold a kiss in higher regard. It's not something I just want to do randomly with a person I don't even know. I want it to mean something, be a display of deep affections and connection with a person I truly care for. I'd rather save my lips for someone special then someone who is there.

2. You're feelings are clouding your judgement. You are still reacting out of anger towards her. You aren't able to see things from her side, feel the need to defend yourself and see yourself as a victim. And that will prevent you from really healing.

3. Still no proof provided. And even if there was feelings, or even if there was more going on, doesn't mean we can't see it from there side. Doesn't mean they are a bad person. Plenty of married couples survive cheating and grow stronger afterwards. All really depends on the level of commitment you want to put into it.

4. Saying you are sorry isn't just for her. It's for you. It's owning up to your actions. It's realizing you did something hurtful and striving to make it right. It's the sign of a mature person.

She is a human being who was hurt by something you did. She deserves better then to be criticized and made into a villian. She deserves better then to have labels like bimbo thrown at her by people who don't know her and have never spoken to her. She deserves the same respect that anyone of us would want to be given.

I hope SHE is okay. I hope she is able to find someone who will respect who and treat her better.

[facelesswanderer]

19 hours ago, ShySoul said:

1. If all you want is to make out, fine. Personally, I hold a kiss in higher regard. It's not something I just want to do randomly with a person I don't even know. I want it to mean something, be a display of deep affections and connection with a person I truly care for. I'd rather save my lips for someone special then someone who is there.

2. You're feelings are clouding your judgement. You are still reacting out of anger towards her. You aren't able to see things from her side, feel the need to defend yourself and see yourself as a victim. And that will prevent you from really healing.

3. Still no proof provided. And even if there was feelings, or even if there was more going on, doesn't mean we can't see it from there side. Doesn't mean they are a bad person. Plenty of married couples survive cheating and grow stronger afterwards. All really depends on the level of commitment you want to put into it.

4. Saying you are sorry isn't just for her. It's for you. It's owning up to your actions. It's realizing you did something hurtful and striving to make it right. It's the sign of a mature person.

She is a human being who was hurt by something you did. She deserves better then to be criticized and made into a villian. She deserves better then to have labels like bimbo thrown at her by people who don't know her and have never spoken to her. She deserves the same respect that anyone of us would want to be given.

I hope SHE is okay. I hope she is able to find someone who will respect who and treat her better.

1. I was hammered but kissing is just kissing for me. Sex is in a higher regard.

2. I don't even know how to respond to this.

3. You may have been correct on this point. Don't know what that point about cheating was though. We weren't a couple. Weren't even on the level of a situationship. It was a failed TALKING STAGE.

4. Yeah I would consider apologising but I went to an event that she was at and she literally went out of her way to ignore me the entire night. Game over. Don't care anyway. Okay I care a little bit actually it was quite hurtful. If she doesn't want to try actually being friends then I'm not going to either.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, facelesswanderer said:

Yeah I would consider apologising but I went to an event that she was at and she literally went out of her way to ignore me the entire night. Game over. Don't care anyway. Okay I care a little bit actually it was quite hurtful. If she doesn't want to try actually being friends then I'm not going to either.

You did notthing wrong. There is zero to apologize for. 

I doubt she is some hurt little flower who is still that upset about it anyway. Life happens. She can be a big girl and get over herself. 

Onward and upward, OP. 

 

[yogacat]

Well, there are two sides to every story. Why did she dip out on you twice? Just because someone breaks up with someone doesn’t mean that they no longer have feelings for them. Maybe she did want to move on but just wasn’t able to. If that's the case, it would be understandable that she would be upset and maybe even hurt seeing you with someone else. But ultimately it’s not really your fault, as you are free to do what you want now that the two of you are not together.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, facelesswanderer said:

We weren't a couple. Weren't even on the level of a situationship. It was a failed TALKING STAGE.

Wait. You were at the talking stage, not committed. Then you got upset with her for being excitied to talk to someone else? Wouldn't that be normal for that level? If you aren't serious or exclusive, I would think it would be common for people to be talking to other people while the two of you are figuring out if you want more.

I guess I could say I was at the taking stage with one person. I had no problem with her talking to other people, including an ex who was still interested. Rather then be upset by it, I let her have the freedom. And doing so helped her pick me.

1 hour ago, facelesswanderer said:

Okay I care a little bit actually it was quite hurtful.

Sounds to me like two people playing games and more interested in seeing everything that's out there rather then focused on building anything real. It's about hooking about with someone and having "fun." Then they get upset that the other person would do the same.

If that is what you want to do, I wish you well with it. But realize that those hurt feelings you both seem to have felt will happen frequently.

[facelesswanderer]

13 hours ago, yogacat said:

Well, there are two sides to every story. Why did she dip out on you twice? Just because someone breaks up with someone doesn’t mean that they no longer have feelings for them. Maybe she did want to move on but just wasn’t able to. If that's the case, it would be understandable that she would be upset and maybe even hurt seeing you with someone else. But ultimately it’s not really your fault, as you are free to do what you want now that the two of you are not together.

First one: wasn’t ready for a relationship. Thought it was a cop out but it was probably true.

Second one: thought I was trying to push her along too fast. 

Heard from one of her friends that she thinks that I only hooked up with this girl to make her jealous, that’s why she’s pissed. Ridiculous high school bull***. We’re adults. 

[MissCanuck]

5 minutes ago, facelesswanderer said:

Heard from one of her friends that she thinks that I only hooked up with this girl to make her jealous, that’s why she’s pissed. Ridiculous high school bull***. We’re adults. 

I agree. 

This is about her ego, really. I would ignore the noise and carry on. 

[ShySoul]

9 minutes ago, facelesswanderer said:

Heard from one of her friends that she thinks that I only hooked up with this girl to make her jealous, that’s why she’s pissed. Ridiculous high school bull***. We’re adults. 

Adults who are hooking up with random people, getting angry with someone who they weren't in a relationship with for them talking to another person, who struggle to admit that they might have had a hand in things, who won't issue a simple apology for there part, and who feel the need to post to a bunch of strangers about how they were in the wronged thus getting validation.

Adults own up to their actions and take the higher road of saying they are sorry for hurting another person's feelings. Doesn't mean you have to be friends. Doesn't mean you have to forgive her. Doesn't have to mean anything else. It's a matter of the kind of person you want to be. And most of the mature adults I've known would be feeling bad that they might have hurt someone's feelings and want to try to make amends, not further put her down.

There is ego on both sides. You're both still participating in the highschool nonsense.

Then again, a lot of people I knew in high school were already beyond this stuff and behaved better. They cared more about helping each other and wanting each other to be okay then they did about having to be in the right.

[SirJumpy]

Grown men act better. They don't hurt people. They want people to be happy and okay.

Enough pain in the world. Why contribute to it more? Why not try to make someone feel better instead of letting them feel bad?

[MissCanuck]

Oh, please. 

This is not that serious. This woman will be fine. 

[facelesswanderer]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Adults who are hooking up with random people, getting angry with someone who they weren't in a relationship with for them talking to another person, who struggle to admit that they might have had a hand in things, who won't issue a simple apology for there part, and who feel the need to post to a bunch of strangers about how they were in the wronged thus getting validation.

Adults own up to their actions and take the higher road of saying they are sorry for hurting another person's feelings. Doesn't mean you have to be friends. Doesn't mean you have to forgive her. Doesn't have to mean anything else. It's a matter of the kind of person you want to be. And most of the mature adults I've known would be feeling bad that they might have hurt someone's feelings and want to try to make amends, not further put her down.

There is ego on both sides. You're both still participating in the highschool nonsense.

Then again, a lot of people I knew in high school were already beyond this stuff and behaved better. They cared more about helping each other and wanting each other to be okay then they did about having to be in the right.

When the hell did I say I was angry at her for talking to someone else? I said that I’m fine with it and I literally still am, all that did was open the door for me to freely get with whoever I want if she’s already doing her own thing too. 

I’m not gonna “own up” to anything unless she reaches out first and wants to talk things out and be friends again because the way I see it she’s acting immature. Maybe her feelings got hurt but I don’t think she has ground to suddenly act like a *** towards me especially since I tried my best to distance this girl from her anyway. 

I’m not further putting her down. This forum for me is just a stream of consciousness she will never read it or know how I’m thinking.