I’m terrified of the thought of losing my virginity

[Dianaaaashsge]

Can someone please tell me if this is normal? The thought of penetration or breaking my hymen terrifies me, I almost cry just talking about it. I’m very bad with pain to the point where I won’t do anything that could potentially get me hurt (like riding a bike) and I’ve already heard that it hurts really bad, my mom said it is probably will because it hurts a lot when she did. I’m not even able too get myself to put a finger in because of how scared I am of penetration. Ive been made fun of for it and I want to have kids in the future but I can’t if I never break my hymen or lose my virginity. I feel like I’ll be a virgin forever because of how much the thought of losing it scares me. Is anyone else like this please tell me if this is something that happens to others. (People have told me to use my fingers and that it won’t hurt that bad but I’m too scared  to apply even a bit of pressure near their it hurts just thinking about doing that.” :(

[SophiaG]

How old are you? I was scared of the supposed pain of "losing my virginity" as a teenager but when I actually had sex in my 20s it wasn't really painful and I didn't bleed either. Many adult women don't really "break their hymen" when having sex for the first time or they'd already broken it in sports earlier without knowing it. Foreplay and preparation make a world of difference - if you are not aroused and lubricated it will hurt even if you've had sex a thousand of times. When you are aroused - penetration won't be painful at all. Who made fun of you for it and how'd they know?

[Batya33]

My first time did hurt but not a lot - maybe there was some blood -I was 24 and in love.  Do you have a real phobia of pain in general? Do you ride in cars or in any vehicles -you know that you can get hurt doing that right? Do you or have you gotten counseling for this level of fear of pain? Were you hurt badly when you were younger? 

[Dianaaaashsge]

4 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

How old are you? I was scared of the supposed pain of "losing my virginity" as a teenager but when I actually had sex in my 20s it wasn't really painful and I didn't bleed either. Many adult women don't really "break their hymen" when having sex for the first time or they'd already broken it in sports earlier without knowing it. Foreplay and preparation make a world of difference - if you are not aroused and lubricated it will hurt even if you've had sex a thousand of times. When you are aroused - penetration won't be painful at all. Who made fun of you for it and how'd they know?

I’m 17, my mom made fun of me for the fact I’m scared of it and one of my friends so I guess it just made me start thinking about it more. I might be too young to be thinking about this to some people but a lot of people my age have done it so idk. My mom told me I have to “break” my hymen sooner or later but the thought of it scared me really bad. I hope it won’t hurt for me but my mom says it will because it did for her and I have her genes i don’t believe that though. She’s just been making me overthink it a lot.

[Batya33]

Just now, Dianaaaashsge said:

I’m 17, my mom made fun of me for the fact I’m scared of it and one of my friends so I guess it just made me start thinking about it more. I might be too young to be thinking about this to some people but a lot of people my age have done it so idk. My mom told me I have to “break” my hymen sooner or later but the thought of it scared me really bad. I hope it won’t hurt for me but my mom says it will because it did for her and I have her genes i don’t believe that though. She’s just been making me overthink it a lot.

Your hymen might already be broken.  When I was 17 in 1983 a number of my friends had had sex and I chose to wait.  You do you.

[Dianaaaashsge]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My first time did hurt but not a lot - maybe there was some blood -I was 24 and in love.  Do you have a real phobia of pain in general? Do you ride in cars or in any vehicles -you know that you can get hurt doing that right? Do you or have you gotten counseling for this level of fear of pain? Were you hurt badly when you were younger? 

I didn’t get hurt badly when I was younger I used to get hurt really easily but that was it. I don’t know why but as I got older I started to do get more scared of getting hurt. I can get in cars but things like riding a bike, running, skating, going up stairs and stuff like that would scare me and I try to avoid it because of how much I overthink it. I don’t think it’s a major problem i just have a very low pain tolerance so I get scared of things as little as a scab. I know they aren’t that bad though I’m just a baby about pain.

[SophiaG]

2 minutes ago, Dianaaaashsge said:

I’m 17, my mom made fun of me for the fact I’m scared of it and one of my friends so I guess it just made me start thinking about it more. I might be too young to be thinking about this to some people but a lot of people my age have done it so idk. My mom told me I have to “break” my hymen sooner or later but the thought of it scared me really bad. I hope it won’t hurt for me but my mom says it will because it did for her and I have her genes i don’t believe that though. She’s just been making me overthink it a lot.

Perhaps your mom had bad sex the first time which was why it hurt. Genes are only relevant to the extent some women have extra thick or particular shaped hymens that may cause more pain, but I don't think that's very common. When you are an adult you can see an obgyn doctor and ask them to check although I don't think you need to worry about that.

Wait until you are comfortable to have sex. Have you been aroused (by yourself or with kissing/making out etc)? You can start with external stimulation and pleasing yourself before trying any form of penetration. When you are comfortable with that you can easily explore more.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Dianaaaashsge said:

I didn’t get hurt badly when I was younger I used to get hurt really easily but that was it. I don’t know why but as I got older I started to do get more scared of getting hurt. I can get in cars but things like riding a bike, running, skating, going up stairs and stuff like that would scare me and I try to avoid it because of how much I overthink it. I don’t think it’s a major problem i just have a very low pain tolerance so I get scared of things as little as a scab. I know they aren’t that bad though I’m just a baby about pain.

I understand -maybe it will help to remind yourself that riding in a car is just as risky or more than walking up stairs.  I don't do daredevil stuff but I've always been a daredevil socially lol.  Do you ever want to get pregnant and have a baby? I had emetophobia at your age -fear of vomiting -and I remember thinking about how I'd have to risk my biggest fear if I ever got pregnant - so it might be something to work towards since pregnancy often involves some sort of pain -I actually didn't vomit but I had side effects that were painful and labor of course was painful.

[Dianaaaashsge]

1 minute ago, SophiaG said:

Perhaps your mom had bad sex the first time which was why it hurt. Genes are only relevant to the extent some women have extra thick or particular shaped hymens that may cause more pain, but I don't think that's very common. When you are an adult you can see an obgyn doctor and ask them to check although I don't think you need to worry about that.

Wait until you are comfortable to have sex. Have you been aroused (by yourself or with kissing/making out etc)? You can start with external stimulation and pleasing yourself before trying any form of penetration. When you are comfortable with that you can easily explore more.

Yes I have been aroused before, but I’ve never done much. thank you for making me feel a bit better about this, I was overthinking it a lot since I don’t have many people to talk to about this. I’m a little less scared about it now that I’ve opened up about it! Thank you so much!

[Dianaaaashsge]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I understand -maybe it will help to remind yourself that riding in a car is just as risky or more than walking up stairs.  I don't do daredevil stuff but I've always been a daredevil socially lol.  Do you ever want to get pregnant and have a baby? I had emetophobia at your age -fear of vomiting -and I remember thinking about how I'd have to risk my biggest fear if I ever got pregnant - so it might be something to work towards since pregnancy often involves some sort of pain -I actually didn't vomit but I had side effects that were painful and labor of course was painful.

Yes I do want to get pregnant when I get older, which I think is why I started thinking about this so much. I’m trying to get over my fear of pain because I know that pregnancy is usually painful. I think talking about it helped a lot and I’m gonna try and do more stuff to get over my fear. Thank you for talking about this with me it helps a lot!

[shouldhavelearned]

Not sure why this is your focus at 17

[MissCanuck]

I was 17 my first time and it didn't hurt. 

Everyone is different. Your mom is terrifying you about this for some reason. I don't even think it comes down to being afraid of sex, in and of itself. It sounds like you have extreme anxiety about pain in general. 

Have you ever spoken to a doctor about this? That might help untangle some of your emotions about it. 

[Andrina]

Perhaps put things in perspective. In one's lifetime, people experience a myriad of emotions whether good or bad: joy, sadness, the highs of happiness, the lows of grief. And as for sensations, there's lots of pleasure and there's lots of pain with illness or injury.

Sometimes you have to deal with the bad first to enjoy the good. Just like when I was a young teen and my neighbor friends had a pool. They wanted me to swim but I'd never used a tampon. They tried to tell me how to do it, but for the life of me I couldn't get it in. I finally asked the gynecologist and she told me to put some vaseline on it and prop one leg on the toilet. I finally got it in and got to go swimming the next time and didn't have to sit out a good time. Perhaps make that a goal of yours as a small victory and the first rung on a ladder to an ultimate goal. Good luck.

[smackie9]

Having some fear is fine but worried about doing normal things like riding a bike, you need to get some counselling and advice from your doctor before this gets so out of control that it will ruin your life. 

Every experience is different for everyone. My first time didn't hurt for me. So relax, take your time, talk to a healthcare professional, go to a parent planning clinic, find a female doctor, etc. Ask for help from your mother. Gosh if she really knew what was going on with you, she would definitely step in to get you some help. 

[TeeDee]

@Dianaaaashsge

Yoru level of stress factors into this.  If you are tense & tight, it's going to hurt a lot.  However, if you are relaxed & in love you will be calm & accepting.  Right now, you are scared & that is causing your muscles to contract. 

Your body will do things to facilitate penetration.  You will release hormones & endorphins that help.  Your vagina will be lubricated.   Nature had been making this happen for millennia. 

Think about it.  A woman's body is designed to stretch & be elastic.  A baby's HEAD can come out of there.  2 fingers or a penis are nothing compared to a whole person.  

There's no rush.  When you are older & the timing is right you will be just fine.  Billions of women have done this before you.  When you trust your partner that will make everything smoother too.  There is no good reason to trust an inexperienced teenaged boy in the back of a car.  So go slow & stick to your own morals & values.  

 

[ShySoul]

I have known women older then you who also scared of both the physical and emotional elements behind sex. I have known women who have had sex that are still sensitive in that area and who aren't as enthused by it as it is made out that we should all be. Nothing is wrong with you.

If you aren't comfortable with the idea, don't have sex. There is no reason you should be having it right now or even be concerned about it. You have so many other things in life to think about and look forward to. Focus on classes, friends, hobbies, a job. Focus on enjoying the word around you. Focus on being the incredible person you are. 

When the time is right and it is with the right person, you won't feel as much fear. You will be excited to have the experience because it will be with someone special who you love and who loves you. They will do everything they can to make it as pleasant and memorable as possible. Until that day happens, it shouldn't be a concern.