Do I even have a chance?

[Blackkittymoon]

I (16f) have interest in a young man (m19). Before you bash me about the age gap, I'm religious and made a promise to the Lord not to date until I'm at least 17. So we'd be (17,20) or (18,21). He's an incredible young man, serves at church, is friendly, loves skateboarding, adventures, we share the same friend group. He volunteers with me at our church together, He's wonderful with kids.

 

Seriously an incredible young man, but not only I, but everyone knows it. Especially because he's very conventionally attractive, I am not. (I have been told I am but it doesn't seem right). We became friends because we share the same name. (One of the reasons I don't think we could be together.) over the past few months I gained interest in him after having a dream that he and I were in a relationship. I've prayed about it and have only seen more good things about him. Problem is, I think if anything he used to like me. When I first met him, he said he loved my laugh, he said he loved me twice, but I had never liked a man before. I didn't even understand. But I would be willing to commit to a relationship with him now. Do I even have a chance?

 

Examples of why I think I might? (Non necessary to read).

At a camp that we volunteered for church at, he lost his voice and I found him playing guitar. I sat beside him and we held eye contact the entire time he played a song, he checks in on me often, he has offered to pay for meals, said he loves me, said I don't have an awkward smile last week, he rubs my head, (he does it to some other girls too, so yk) but we'll see. I like him a lot, I think he used to like me, I don't know anymore. They say he seems like he likes all girls.

[smackie9]

You can't force someone to want you. But I suspect he's keeping his distance a little because of your age. Who knows who he really likes. You will just have to be patient, and see where things go. 

[TeeDee]

I agree with smackie9.  Church boys also tend to be shy.  Keep being nice to him & interacting with him.  When you are about to turn 17, talk to the pastor or the youth minister & let that person know you are interested in the young man.  If he's interested & has the church's blessing he may be more open to courting you. 

[Andrina]

I see it as a red flag that he has said he loves you several times when you two aren't even dating. Sounds like he's practiced at saying that casually, and touchy-feely with girls in general. Though you've noted those things, do you not see them as concerning? IMO, the age difference would be greater for the older person, who might think it childish and going backwards to do things like attend school dances and the prom, etc. What do your parents think of age gap relationships? Would you rock the boat if they were against this?

Anyway, a lot can happen in a year. You might get interested in someone new during this time. He could start dating someone or move away. Why not just have a wait-and-see attitude since you don't plan on dating anyone in a year? Also be realistic in that most people don't marry the first person they date. It can be good to get more than one dating experience to gain knowledge of what you want and what doesn't work for you in a relationship. And sometimes just because someone's a good friend doesn't mean they will automatically make a good boyfriend. It take more than chemistry to find happiness with someone. Ethics and life goals have to match. Just some pointers from someone with all kinds of experiences tucked under her belt. Take care.

[TeeDee]

7 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I see it as a red flag that he has said he loves you several times when you two aren't even dating. Sounds like he's practiced at saying that casually, and touchy-feely with girls in general.

I got the exact opposite impression.  I see this guy as a naive sheltered shy boy who when he says "love" means it in a sweet, innocent, religious way i.e. Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so. 

[Blackkittymoon]

9 hours ago, smackie9 said:

You can't force someone to want you. But I suspect he's keeping his distance a little because of your age. Who knows who he really likes. You will just have to be patient, and see where things go. 

Thank you so much for the feedback!! I'll keep this in mind :)

[Blackkittymoon]

3 hours ago, TeeDee said:

I agree with smackie9.  Church boys also tend to be shy.  Keep being nice to him & interacting with him.  When you are about to turn 17, talk to the pastor or the youth minister & let that person know you are interested in the young man.  If he's interested & has the church's blessing he may be more open to courting you. 

Ahhh!! Thank you sm! This is great advice. I'll definitely be involving the church if this ever progress.

[shouldhavelearned]

Enjoy your youth and don't focus on being serious with someone 

[Blackkittymoon]

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

I see it as a red flag that he has said he loves you several times when you two aren't even dating. Sounds like he's practiced at saying that casually, and touchy-feely with girls in general. Though you've noted those things, do you not see them as concerning? IMO, the age difference would be greater for the older person, who might think it childish and going backwards to do things like attend school dances and the prom, etc. What do your parents think of age gap relationships? Would you rock the boat if they were against this?

Anyway, a lot can happen in a year. You might get interested in someone new during this time. He could start dating someone or move away. Why not just have a wait-and-see attitude since you don't plan on dating anyone in a year? Also be realistic in that most people don't marry the first person they date. It can be good to get more than one dating experience to gain knowledge of what you want and what doesn't work for you in a relationship. And sometimes just because someone's a good friend doesn't mean they will automatically make a good boyfriend. It take more than chemistry to find happiness with someone. Ethics and life goals have to match. Just some pointers from someone with all kinds of experiences tucked under her belt. Take care.

He's very nice with young ladies, but he refuses to give any women hugs because he doesn't want the wrong idea. (He's just so sweet he seems like he likes everyone.) We are/were both homeschooled, so no prom or anything. Any schooling I do take is through a college, so it wouldn't be with people my age anyway LOL.

Parents have a small age gap, I don't think they prefer it, but I've always been been more mature, I think my family would understand that I'd want someone more mature as well.

 

Definitely the mindset I'm going for!!! Thank you so much for the detailed feedback, seriously you are amazing. You open great points and give clear and good feedback. Thank you so much :).

[Blackkittymoon]

3 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Enjoy your youth and don't focus on being serious with someone 

That's definitely the goal, why I don't plan on pursuing anyone soon. Thank you for the reminder! 

[Blackkittymoon]

3 hours ago, TeeDee said:

I got the exact opposite impression.  I see this guy as a naive sheltered shy boy who when he says "love" means it in a sweet, innocent, religious way i.e. Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so. 

That's how I see it too, he's such a sweet boy. I know he used to be more chaotic but after finding the Lord has just been a sweet little guy! Thank you for replying :)) 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Blackkittymoon said:

He's very nice with young ladies, but he refuses to give any women hugs because he doesn't want the wrong idea.

But rubs their heads and tells them he loves them? 

 

[TeeDee]

13 hours ago, Blackkittymoon said:

Parents have a small age gap, 

Age gaps mean less as you get older.  Life stage is important.  He can vote, drive, get drafted & is out of HS (even if you were both homeschooled).  You are still a teen.  

Don't grow up too fast

[Blackkittymoon]

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

But rubs their heads and tells them he loves them? 

 

True enough.

Thank you :)

[Blackkittymoon]

54 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

Age gaps mean less as you get older.  Life stage is important.  He can vote, drive, get drafted & is out of HS (even if you were both homeschooled).  You are still a teen.  

Don't grow up too fast

Thank you, I've always tried to grow up a little too fast, a reminder is always great.

 

[SophiaG]

Three years is hardly an age gap once you are both adults. Enjoy it as a sweet harmless crush but don't focus your life around him - it's not unlikely that he meets and starts dating someone soon - spread your wings and divert your attention toward other friends, hobbies, and future possibilities so you won't get too heartbroken if/when that happens. If he remains single when you are ready to date, you can try to change your interactions toward more flirting and see if he reciprocates or just plainly ask him out for a date if you feel up to it.

[ShySoul]

Brothers have had relationships with women 10 years old and 10 years younger. I've liked someone 13 years older. Three years is nothing. Age is a number, has no bearing on who we are or how likely a relationship is to succeed.

On 11/12/2024 at 10:01 PM, Blackkittymoon said:

Especially because he's very conventionally attractive, I am not. (I have been told I am but it doesn't seem right)

There is no such thing as conventionally attractive. There is just how a person is and if someone else finds them attractive. We are all attractive to someone. Who cares what other people think. If he is complimenting you and saying all these good things about you, he probably thinks of you as attractive. As look as the two of you find each other attractive, that's all that matters.

On 11/12/2024 at 10:01 PM, Blackkittymoon said:

sat beside him and we held eye contact the entire time he played a song, he checks in on me often, he has offered to pay for meals, said he loves me, said I don't have an awkward smile last week, he rubs my head, (he does it to some other girls too, so yk) but we'll see. I like him a lot, I think he used to like me, I don't know anymore. They say he seems like he likes all girls.

He is a friendly person who enjoys being around you. You have as good a chance as anyone. 

If you have feelings for someone, take a chance on them. It may work out, it may not. But you will never know if you don't try. Talk to him more. Spend time with him. Be alone with him and really get to know him. See how comfortable you are with each other. And if you get the urge to say more, say it. 

The only regrets in my life are the times I didn't speak up to someone I cared for. Learn from my mistakes. This may work out. It may not. But you will be better of for the experience of trying. If you don't you will always have that wonder of what if. You will always question what could have been. It's scary to put yourself on the line. But you are strong and can do it. 

[Blackkittymoon]

13 hours ago, SophiaG said:

Three years is hardly an age gap once you are both adults. Enjoy it as a sweet harmless crush but don't focus your life around him - it's not unlikely that he meets and starts dating someone soon - spread your wings and divert your attention toward other friends, hobbies, and future possibilities so you won't get too heartbroken if/when that happens. If he remains single when you are ready to date, you can try to change your interactions toward more flirting and see if he reciprocates or just plainly ask him out for a date if you feel up to it.

Of course I won't! Thank you for such nice words and an excepting tone!

 

I've got so much on my plate with friends and college that I'm not worried about it. In the end it's his decision and the Lord's will. So, if he's happy I'm happy:)

If in time when I'm 17 I'd like to just ask him out. I'd already hope to be good friends. We see eachother at least 3-4 times a week. 

Again thank you!

[Blackkittymoon]

3 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Brothers have had relationships with women 10 years old and 10 years younger. I've liked someone 13 years older. Three years is nothing. Age is a number, has no bearing on who we are or how likely a relationship is to succeed.

There is no such thing as conventionally attractive. There is just how a person is and if someone else finds them attractive. We are all attractive to someone. Who cares what other people think. If he is complimenting you and saying all these good things about you, he probably thinks of you as attractive. As look as the two of you find each other attractive, that's all that matters.

He is a friendly person who enjoys being around you. You have as good a chance as anyone. 

If you have feelings for someone, take a chance on them. It may work out, it may not. But you will never know if you don't try. Talk to him more. Spend time with him. Be alone with him and really get to know him. See how comfortable you are with each other. And if you get the urge to say more, say it. 

The only regrets in my life are the times I didn't speak up to someone I cared for. Learn from my mistakes. This may work out. It may not. But you will be better of for the experience of trying. If you don't you will always have that wonder of what if. You will always question what could have been. It's scary to put yourself on the line. But you are strong and can do it. 

All of this was exactly what I needed to hear, thank you for all of this. Seriously this was a perfect response and it encouraged me well. Especially what you said about the age gap and how the only regret we're not speaking up. 

 

Definitely been talking with him more the past couple days. Thank you 🫂🫂

[ShySoul]

9 minutes ago, Blackkittymoon said:

Definitely been talking with him more the past couple days.

He better watch out. He doesn't know what's coming for him. Hope you go easy on the guy. 😉

Seriously, have fun and enjoy yourself. You are young. There is plenty of time to worry about everything that goes into relationships. Right now, it should just be fun. Follow your heart, do what feels right for you, be in the moment, and go where this takes you.

[Blackkittymoon]

On 11/12/2024 at 10:01 PM, Blackkittymoon said:

I (16f) have interest in a young man (m19). Before you bash me about the age gap, I'm religious and made a promise to the Lord not to date until I'm at least 17. So we'd be (17,20) or (18,21). He's an incredible young man, serves at church, is friendly, loves skateboarding, adventures, we share the same friend group. He volunteers with me at our church together, He's wonderful with kids.

 

Seriously an incredible young man, but not only I, but everyone knows it. Especially because he's very conventionally attractive, I am not. (I have been told I am but it doesn't seem right). We became friends because we share the same name. (One of the reasons I don't think we could be together.) over the past few months I gained interest in him after having a dream that he and I were in a relationship. I've prayed about it and have only seen more good things about him. Problem is, I think if anything he used to like me. When I first met him, he said he loved my laugh, he said he loved me twice, but I had never liked a man before. I didn't even understand. But I would be willing to commit to a relationship with him now. Do I even have a chance?

 

Examples of why I think I might? (Non necessary to read).

At a camp that we volunteered for church at, he lost his voice and I found him playing guitar. I sat beside him and we held eye contact the entire time he played a song, he checks in on me often, he has offered to pay for meals, said he loves me, said I don't have an awkward smile last week, he rubs my head, (he does it to some other girls too, so yk) but we'll see. I like him a lot, I think he used to like me, I don't know anymore. They say he seems like he likes all girls.

On 11/14/2024 at 11:13 PM, ShySoul said:

He better watch out. He doesn't know what's coming for him. Hope you go easy on the guy. 😉

Seriously, have fun and enjoy yourself. You are young. There is plenty of time to worry about everything that goes into relationships. Right now, it should just be fun. Follow your heart, do what feels right for you, be in the moment, and go where this takes you.

Update for anyone who was interested, we've been talking more and hanging out. 🙂 talked with him this weekend and we both lead young group for middle schoolers so I saw him then. He showed me and my friends some tricks on a skateboard.

A friend even took a silly video of us together! 🙂 glad I can at least have him as a friend for a while!!

 

💜

[ShySoul]

6 minutes ago, Blackkittymoon said:

Update for anyone who was interested, we've been talking more and hanging out. 🙂 talked with him this weekend and we both lead young group for middle schoolers so I saw him then. He showed me and my friends some tricks on a skateboard.

A friend even took a silly video of us together! 🙂 glad I can at least have him as a friend for a while!!

💜

Awesome. Hope you are having a blast together.

Here's to many more silly videos together. 😉 🤞