Struggling to get my partner to reason with me during an argument

[Lollipopkid]

My partner and I have been together for a year and a half. We have had an incredible relationship and I would love some assistance with keeping that going. It's tough for us because we can only see each other once a week but have plans to move in together in about a year. Recently, a situation occurred when I felt he disrespected me. Although I was upset, I calmly tried to talk to him about why I felt disrespected by his actions. He got so mad at me and said some pretty terrible things to me. He just went from 0 to 100 in a second. 

Now I understand what it's like to be in the heat of the moment and just blurt out things, I'm not perfect at controlling that 100%. I just wanted a conversation and he escalated it so much that I don't know if he's going to stay with me. How do I get him to be reasonable with me so we can resolve our problems now and in the future? This situation is not worth breaking up over, not even close. I just wanted to feel heard. 

[Vivianne]

6 minutes ago, Lollipopkid said:

My partner and I have been together for a year and a half. We have had an incredible relationship and I would love some assistance with keeping that going. It's tough for us because we can only see each other once a week but have plans to move in together in about a year. Recently, a situation occurred when I felt he disrespected me. Although I was upset, I calmly tried to talk to him about why I felt disrespected by his actions. He got so mad at me and said some pretty terrible things to me. He just went from 0 to 100 in a second. 

Now I understand what it's like to be in the heat of the moment and just blurt out things, I'm not perfect at controlling that 100%. I just wanted a conversation and he escalated it so much that I don't know if he's going to stay with me. How do I get him to be reasonable with me so we can resolve our problems now and in the future? This situation is not worth breaking up over, not even close. I just wanted to feel heard. 

If you love him and want to work things out talk to him about how you feel then figure out from there if he is willing to save this relationship. You both have to be on the same page.

[Lollipopkid]

I did try to talk to him about it. I got told that I'm being petty and now I'm disrespecting him 😅 I'm kind of at a loss here. I really just want him to work with me on this but I don't know how to get him to take a step back and be thoughtful with his words. 

[Kwothe28]

What you see is a red flag that should be noted for breaking up. You saw each other once a week so maybe you couldnt noticed it before. But, your partner isnt somebody you can have a healthy dialogue about stuff. When he gets mad he would lash at you. And you cant fix that simply because that is how he has learned to handle arguments. Sorry, but I dont see this going in a good way. Especially because he said terrible things to you. That would only amplify itself if you ever live together. 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Lollipopkid said:

I don't know how to get him to take a step back and be thoughtful with his words. 

If an adult is not capable of doing this on their own without being told to, well, you have bigger problems with him than you realize. 

We can't make people hear or respect what we're saying.  The fact that he seems unwilling to meet you half-way is a red flag. This is is my-way-or-the-highway man. 

Proceed with that at your own risk. 

[smackie9]

9 hours ago, Lollipopkid said:

My partner and I have been together for a year and a half. We have had an incredible relationship and I would love some assistance with keeping that going. It's tough for us because we can only see each other once a week but have plans to move in together in about a year. Recently, a situation occurred when I felt he disrespected me. Although I was upset, I calmly tried to talk to him about why I felt disrespected by his actions. He got so mad at me and said some pretty terrible things to me. He just went from 0 to 100 in a second. 

Now I understand what it's like to be in the heat of the moment and just blurt out things, I'm not perfect at controlling that 100%. I just wanted a conversation and he escalated it so much that I don't know if he's going to stay with me. How do I get him to be reasonable with me so we can resolve our problems now and in the future? This situation is not worth breaking up over, not even close. I just wanted to feel heard. 

 There is no reasoning with someone who has anger issues. You cannot fix this yourself. The only way is for him to acknowledge that his behavior is wrong and he needs to get professional help with it like counseling/couples counseling/anger management. 

If he refuses constantly and doesn't take ownership, you possibly have a narcissistic (him) personality on your hands. 

[catfeeder]

Rather than approach an argument as trying to make one person 'wrong' and the other 'right,' or expecting an admission of 'guilt' or even an apology, I would pull back and get clear that any urgency I assign to this situation is my own. So, I can't impose that and expect partner to respond well to it. It's not an advantage.

I'd tell him that I love him. I'd like to approach one another as a team on the same side. I'd ask him if he's willing to consider doing that, too. 

I'd need more info on the discussion to comment further, other than to say that I'd hear him out without interrupting, I'd state back to him what I've understood his position to be. This confirms for a person that they've been heard. Then I'd talk about why I feel the way I feel. No accusations. I'd limit my goal to stating how the situation makes me feel, then I'd shut up and let him consider that--for as long as it takes.

It's not smart to push for agreement on the spot. It's better to let someone reflect for a while on what you've raised. Embrace some limbo--it can work wonders. 

[Coily]

I'm with Catfeeder here, it seems that some time needed to pass so a discussion could be had; not a forced resolution. With an absence of context your BF could be anywhere from a ball of rage to a guy who felt his back was against the wall and you were being unreasonable.

For this sort of thing, I would suggest stepping back and writing down what you are thinking; so you can approach this for a positive mutual resolution. Far too often when we think we're being reasonable, the other person is too upset and will feel attacked.

[toreapart]

This has narcissist written all over it. This is how they act anytime they are called out for something. They do this instead of taking responsibility. They turn it around on you, to make you feel like the bad guy in the matter. I dealt with that for years, it will damage your mental health if you keep going this way. They want you to believe there is something wrong with YOU, not them. And worst of all you will start to believe this & find yourself apologizing when they should be the one doing so. Even if you try to be nice about it, they might still view it as attack on them, not as something they should take responsibility for. I hope that I'm wrong, but if this guy is in fact a Narc, be prepared for many other days like this, or get out while you can. 

[Lollipopkid]

Thank you all so much for your responses! I'm definitely taking everything all you said into consideration. We are meeting up tomorrow to talk about things. After having a week to think things through more seriously, I'm not hopeful that we will stay together but want to at least hear him out (and get my stuff back from his apartment peacefully). 

[TeeDee]

On 11/13/2024 at 12:29 AM, Lollipopkid said:

 I calmly tried to talk to him about why I felt disrespected by his actions. He got so mad at me and said some pretty terrible things to me. He just went from 0 to 100 in a second.  * * * 

 This situation is not worth breaking up over, not even close. I just wanted to feel heard. 

The situation that caused the disagreement may not be worth breaking up over but his response to it might be.  

Give that some thought. 

On 11/13/2024 at 12:49 AM, Lollipopkid said:

 I don't know how to get him to take a step back and be thoughtful with his words. 

You don't.  That is beyond your ability to control. 

At most you can model behavior for him but in the end he has to want to change how he responds.  It sounds like he doesn't even understand that he has an issue. 

 

9 hours ago, Lollipopkid said:

 I'm not hopeful that we will stay together but want to at least hear him out (and get my stuff back from his apartment peacefully). 

I'm sorry that you will be hurt by the end of the relationship but I'm happy to hear you will get getting your stuff back & you will be moving forward in a positive way.