My BF makes me to tell him all the details of an outing or he starts a fight

[ConfusedHurt]

Some background - I (33f) Erica tend to be pretty open and honest about things, especially with my partner. He (35m) Eli came to the relationship with some emotional baggage from past relationships, trust issues, and I dont blame him because I understand the experiences. I try to be a supportive partner and can empathize with his past traumas. Sometimes though they manifest in controlling and abusive ways. For example every partner I've ever had has had access to my phone. Early on he would dig deep and start fights over innocuous texts. These texts might be worthy of clarification but not a fight. No matter what I'd say it was never good enough and he would just believe what he wanted to believe for years, ignoring everything I had said about them in the past whenever it was convenient to bring it back up again. He clearly brought issues that existed prior to the relationship and I had to cut him off from my phone because of his constant creating problems when I hadn't done anything wrong. I couldn't take it anymore and even tho this is a red flag, I really thought I had a future with him
On the other side of this, I never really went thru his phone but on one rare occasion when I did I found texts between him and a co worker at an out of state meeting where his co worker was flirting, he was repeatably texting back, and the exchange awkwardly ended when she gave him his room number. Huge red flags but I didn't start a fight, just asked for an explanation. He said that the last message crossed a line and he stopped responding because it felt awkward. I didn't really believe it because why would he have let it get to that point? but I let it go, because again, I wanted a future with him.
More recently he started a big blowout fight with me because I told him I would be home late from work (I was picking up a gift for his birthday last month) and he was demanding to know where I was going and why. For obvious reasons I couldn't tell him, and it ruined the weekend and I went to stay at my sisters. I threw the gift in the trash.
Anyway, hes always been jealous and invasive, and controlling over situations that he would blow out of proportion. Spiral into big fights. I would never check up on him in return, because I'm generally a trusting person
So the recent event. Last thursday I had a meeting with a prospective business partner and I let him know "I had a meeting". I told him I'd probably be out by 7 and to make plans for dinner and I would call him once I was free. I didn't want to talk about something that may or may not happen at such an early stage. I'm quite professional and didn't want to even get my own hopes up until something became real. We've had some recent talks about autonomy and hes made some progress, and I was honestly pretty proud of him when he realized that I didn't want him to push for details and he let things go. The problem started when I wasn't done by 7. He called my phone twice, and altho I saw it light up in my purse I couldn't take his call. I called him closer to 8 in a great mood and I could tell pretty quickly that things weren't alright. he was definitely upset and asking for details that I still didn't want to give, and I thought it would be ok since he had been understanding before. He kept pushing and getting more upset until I asked if we should just skip dinner. From here it turned in to a big fight again and I regretfully started yelling and calling him names, but I was triggered due to all of his past abuse and kind of lost my cool. This kind of thing has turned into baggage now for me too, which I realize is unhealthy. We fought, I went to my sisters, and we didn't talk for a couple of days.
Yesterday morning I was reminded of an event we had planned, something that I booked against my better judgement because we had just recovered from another fight a few weeks ago. It disappointed me and made me sad because I was really looking forward to it and we obviously couldn't hold things together for even a few weeks
We ended up fighting again last night, and hes unable to admit that this is an emotional problem he has to deal with and honestly I dont know if I can handle it anymore, especially the idea where I have to convince him that he has work to do. Hes on a soapbox and acting like I'm keeping secrets from him, and that I shouldn't have this level of (very basic) privacy. Healthy relationships are built on trust, and I can no longer see this as a healthy relationship.
I already succumb to a lot of his requests to avoid rocking the boat, (every time I do go somewhere I share the details) and the little bit of privacy that I do ask for is only in the most important moments. He obviously struggles to even give me that. He tells me that hes working on it but then gets emotional when it actually happens.
I dont want to throw away a long term relationship that has some very great moments, but I dont know if I can deal with his controlling BS any more while he works thru it, or if hes even capable of it.

[Seraphim]

This man isn’t relationship material in his current state of mind . I am sure you know this and know you need to break up . 

[Batya33]

I'm married for over 15 years, known my partner since 1994. Neither of us has ever had access to the other's phone or devices or gone through them.  Obviously if he asks me to make sure he didn't get an important message or email if I'm walking by and he's busy -and vice versa.  I am an honest and open person.  I also am a person who has boundaries which means I am open within reason including with my husband.  My private space and life is essential to my well being as his is to him.  With that context I cannot even comment on your issues because I cannot relate to why two adults in a romantic relationship would need or want access to each other's devices.  I cannot relate to why you stay in a relationship where you don't trust him after going through his phone.  A relationship isn't healthy just because it has some great moments.  

[SophiaG]

Why did you want a future with a man you already saw as controlling and abusive early on?

10 minutes ago, ConfusedHurt said:

he was repeatably texting back, and the exchange awkwardly ended when she gave him his room number. Huge red flags but I didn't start a fight, just asked for an explanation. He said that the last message crossed a line and he stopped responding because it felt awkward. I didn't really believe it because why would he have let it get to that point?

How did you know it "awkwardly ended" and didn't continue in person with him in her room? I don't automatically assume insecure/jealous partners must be "projecting" but how can he accuse you for every small detail when he's acting like this???

12 minutes ago, ConfusedHurt said:

I dont want to throw away a long term relationship that has some very great moments, but I dont know if I can deal with his controlling BS any more while he works thru it, or if hes even capable of it.

Sorry to be blunt but this wouldn't have become a long term relationship if you ended it when you first identified his abuse for what it was instead of "wanting a future with him." How is he "working through" it while he continues to control you and you succumb to his double standard and unreasonable requests? A relationship cannot survive on "some great moments" in years. Wake up and leave before the abuse escalates and ruins your mental/physical health.

[catfeeder]

17 minutes ago, ConfusedHurt said:

I dont know if I can deal with his controlling BS any more while he works thru it, or if hes even capable of it.

I'm sorry, but this isn't going to get better, it will just keep getting worse and possibly escalate into real harm to you.

There are two forms of jealousy. One is raised by the suspicious behavior of a partner, and the other is embedded mentally from the past and projected onto a current partner to view everything they say or do through a suspicious lens.

The second kind of jealousy is malignant, and it's what this man has brought into this relationship. You can't 'help' him with it--as you've noticed.

If these are your fertility years and you have goals of a loving partnership and possibly building a family, I'd get out of this now. You'll never regain any of this time back to re-live over again. This man is not relationship material--and certainly not fatherhood material.

[ConfusedHurt]

26 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Why did you want a future with a man you already saw as controlling and abusive early on

How did you know it "awkwardly ended" and didn't continue in person with him in her room? I don't automatically assume insecure/jealous partners must be "projecting" but how can he accuse you for every small detail when he's acting like this???

 

 

I didn't really come to terms with the idea that he was abusive and controlling early. I just thought he had some past baggage that I could accommodate. I figured we'd build trust over time and that things would get better.

I always wondered if he was telling the truth. I just chose to believe him.

 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, ConfusedHurt said:

I didn't really come to terms with the idea that he was abusive and controlling early. I just thought he had some past baggage that I could accommodate. I figured we'd build trust over time and that things would get better.

I always wondered if he was telling the truth. I just chose to believe him.

 

How is it that you build trust when you're starting out walking on eggshells and having to "accommodate" his bad behavior to you?

Did you choose to believe him so you wouldn't have to choose to move on?

[Jaunty]

You said it yourself, "abuse."  

Why would you choose to stick around for more of this?  He's shown his true self.

[ShySoul]

7 hours ago, ConfusedHurt said:

Healthy relationships are built on trust, and I can no longer see this as a healthy relationship.

There's your answer. 

The relationship has no trust, thus it is not healthy. He does not trust you or believe you. And if you have always wondered if he was telling the truth, then you don't trust him either. Only thing you trust is that he is likely to get angry with you.

I won't condemn him for having baggage from the past. I am sure he is capable of being a great person and that you have had great moments. But if a person is unwilling to work on themselves, or even admit there is something to work on, then you won't be able to reach them to improve things. You have tried and done what you could. But it takes both sides to do their part and he isn't doing his. 

You shouldn't be with someone who leaves you unhappy and unfulfilled all the time. I hope you are okay and can get in a situation that will be more beneficial to your emotional well being.

[MissCanuck]

It's time to end this. 

Set yourself free. 

[smackie9]

This guy is terribly broken. Stop your pattern of crappy relationships and end it. Know when to hold em, know when fold em, know when to walk away.... know when to run.

[Cherylyn]

My husband and I don't snoop in each other's cell phones.  We have boundaries with one another and we emphatically trust each other because trust had been earned through the years. 

We don't constantly argue and fight. 

You need to discard your relationship because you know it won't endure at the rate it's going.  ☹️

[yogacat]

Your boyfriend's behavior is SOOOO  unhealthy and controlling, and you might want to get out of this relationship ASAP. It seems like you've been walking on eggshells around him to avoid setting him off, and that's not a sustainable way to live. He's constantly trying to monitor your every move, invading your privacy, and preventing you from having basic autonomy and independence. Not only is this behavior toxic, but it's also a form of emotional abuse. You don't deserve to be treated this way.

From the sounds of it, he also has a history of lying and potentially cheating. You've already caught him flirting with someone else and he's emotionally manipulating and gaslighting you to cover it up. 

[ssboii360]

On 11/10/2024 at 1:12 PM, ConfusedHurt said:

These texts might be worthy of clarification but not a fight.

Well that's your perspective. I'm so curious about these texts now. I feel like I need more details.

[rainbowsandroses]

37 minutes ago, ssboii360 said:

I'm so curious about these texts now. I feel like I need more details.

OP your boyfriend's behavior is deplorable but agree with ^^ what were these texts he read that according to you warranted clarification but not a fight?  

Were you texting with other men? 

Not accusing just asking.