I'm a bit confused by what girls truly want.

[ssboii360]

For context, I grew up in an all boys private elite school until I had to move to America at the age of 13. So I never got to experience what girls in my age group were like and only had an idea of women by looking at my mom, aunt and maid. 

For some reason, I keep running into women who say they prefer “bad boys”. This is mainly about my current relationship where my gf says that she likes me for me but I find it hard to believe because she had brought up that her best friend wants a relationship so bad but she's only attracted to bad boys so I asked her if she was and she told me no. (Now, I do notice that gives little white lies where at the beginning she'll say she's not into something and only for her to reveal that she was into something. For example she said only her sister likes Chris Brown musician but now I'm realizing that's shes a big Chris Brown fan.) I asked her about her ex's and they both were tall bad boys while im 5'6 and hate the term bad boy. 

Now I'm struggling to believe that she's actually attracted to me or not even though she's always calling me handsome. I keep thinking about that she's probably fantasizing about tall bad boys which I end up feeling insecure. She's 36 and I'm 27. She likes rough sex and used to playfully text me calling me a bad boy every time I do something that umm I don't know... I can't remember the examples but you get where I'm going with this.

Im starting to feel insecure about this strange fascination that women have for bad boys which sounds so dumb to me and it's even worse realizing that most of them are actually attracted to that. Like Ive heard so many times from coworkers, brother, friends were they've been rejected for being too nice which doesn't make any sense to me. My gf has a sister whom I heard from someone else in her house that her sister used to constantly get abused and beaten by an ex. Which I don't understand why she never left and it seems more common of women staying in relationship with guys who just beats them up. Now my gf seems a bit different from her sisters but it's scary that all her sisters are dating for example a street dude who has no job and got her pregnant 3 times. My gf seems like the most level headed of the three but now it's like I don't know what women truly want instead of what society says they should want. I'm so confused on this topic and need help understanding why I keep seeing so many women saying that they love dating toxic guys. Almost too many.

[smackie9]

Your GF has a fetish. She likes bad guy role playing, but doesn't want the bs that goes with one. She gets turned on by being submissive and being dominated. It's a thing just between you two, and has nothing to do with women that have bad pickers. And to be honest, there are better things in life to take up your time.

[catfeeder]

You're doing quite a number on your own head. You've thrown yourself down a rabbit hole, and you keep drilling yourself into a deeper rut to climb out of.

Women are not a monolith, we are each individual. In the same manner that there are some cruel or sick or damaged men who exist in the world who do NOT reflect on you, there are equally some sick or cruel or damaged women in the world who do NOT reflect on your GF.

She's 36 years old. A fully grown adult who owns the capacity to select you as her partner voluntarily. If she wanted someone else, she would be with someone else. Either you trust her, or you don't trust her.

So the question becomes, if you DO trust her, what are you doing rolling around with this stuff, and if you don't trust her, then what are you doing with her?

[SophiaG]

3 hours ago, ssboii360 said:

For context, I grew up in an all boys private elite school until I had to move to America at the age of 13. So I never got to experience what girls in my age group were like and only had an idea of women by looking at my mom, aunt and maid.

But you did go to school with girls after 13, no? I don't think what a girl did before 13 has much to do with who she is as an adult either at your age (27) or your gf's.

3 hours ago, ssboii360 said:

I asked her about her ex's and they both were tall bad boys while im 5'6 and hate the term bad boy.

What exactly, other than being tall (lol), made them "bad boys"? I agree with you the term is silly but it can mean a lot of different things to different people. Given the age gap could your gf be calling you a "bad boy" in the sense that she wants to be dominant and punish you for some "bad" behavior in a kinky way? Of course it might also be what @smackie9 says and she wants you to do "bad" things to her - all fair game in the bedroom with nothing to do with her exes IMO! Why don't you ask her what she prefers or tell her you don't like to be called a bad boy if it makes you that uncomfortable?

Also I agree with @catfeeder that women/girls are individuals and we don't all like/want the same thing. Bad boys might sound cute but I've never heart a woman saying she wants a "bad man" so keep up being a good man! 😄 Some women might seem addicted to toxic men but that's because their pickers are off and they are blinded by what seem to be the good qualities those men offer - sweet, charming, lovebombing etc. - not because they want toxicity! And why care about what those women want - they are not your girlfriend?

[yogacat]

It's the same concept as 'some' men preferring to date hot girls or "model types." At the end of the day, it's just a societal construct and personal preference. Some women may be attracted to "bad boys" because they see them as edgy and exciting, while others may be attracted to good guys who treat them well.

Just some romantically involved people suffer from low self worth and end up staying with toxic people in a belief that they cannot have better because they are not good enough. 

Try not to let this stereotype affect your self-esteem. You're probably feeling like your girlfriend prefers someone else because you view yourself as not measuring up to what she may have liked in the past. But remember, she chose to be with you for a reason and that shows that she sees something in you that she doesn't see in those "bad boys."

[ssboii360]

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

Try not to let this stereotype affect your self-esteem. You're probably feeling like your girlfriend prefers someone else because you view yourself as not measuring up to what she may have liked in the past. But remember, she chose to be with you for a reason and that shows that she sees something in you that she doesn't see in those "bad boys."

I agree. I guess the stereotype became so strong in my head because I keep running into that term over and over again that it's becoming hard to believe that people can go from picking one type of person then all of a sudden choose me. But my insecurities really comes from my 2 previous relationships where my 2 exes had abusive narcissistic exes. So from that perspective, you can understand why I feel the way I feel because I don't understand how I keep running into women who seems to all have some history of choosing abusive men out of all their options. And that's the major aspect to focus on for me because out of all the men who approach a single woman, they tend to pick the most abusive man out of all their options. My first ex was really the first one who got me thinking about this topic because she'd asked me to buy her something, if say yes and then she tells me I should have said no because it turns her on and thats so insane to me that I feel like I live in a planet full of insane people. My second ex had a tendency of showing an attitude because she said her ex used to put his hands on her. And I'm like how do you even stay with someone like that it doesn't make any sense to me. Yes, I don't feel like I can measure up to the expectation most women have. I agree that women are not monolith but that's now how I see people because to me there's usually something fundamental that makes a group of people similar or they might as well be a different species. For example: all chicken like corns or all fishes swim or the dynamics between male lions and female lions usually all have the same similarities.

I'm really curious to know what the women that I've dated see in me when I'm never anything like their ex's. And I first my thoughts went straight to my GF is just settling with me. Because it never made sense to me how people can change such a fundamental aspect of their past especially when you can't really control who you're attracted to.

[ssboii360]

4 hours ago, SophiaG said:

But you did go to school with girls after 13, no? I don't think what a girl did before 13 has much to do with who she is as an adult either at your age (27) or your gf's.

 

6 hours ago, smackie9 said:

And to be honest, there are better things in life to take up your time.

Maybe I agree but I guess it's more about that I had bad experiences with women that I'm talking to constantly bringing up how attractive another guy is to my face which ends up making me want to compare myself to other men so that I can become better to the point that no other women are going to point out other men to my face. So I tend to pay attention to what women usually go after so that I know how to act so that I don't get hurt anymore.

[Batya33]

People run into lots of people - you choose to keep engaging with someone who is trying to control how you treat her so she'll be turned on -so if you run into a person who behaves that way you have the choice to tell that person "I am who I am and I'm not interested in changing how I do things according to some script so you'll be attracted to me as a bad boy."

I did get turned off by men who acted "nice" because  they wanted me to like them and not because they were reasonably confident people who wanted to be kind and thoughtful.  I did at times go for bad boy types. Not abusive or narcissistic.

[ssboii360]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

did get turned off by men who acted "nice" because  they wanted me to like them and not because they were reasonably confident people who wanted to be kind and thoughtful.  I did at times go for bad boy types.

Thanks for the reply. Oh great I knew it was true for the majority. I don't understand how you get turned off by someone who acted nice. What does it even mean to act nice? People should act or be nice no matter what.

Dont you think that you would still be turned off by someone who genuinely was confident but did nice things?

Also, I don't understand why you went for the bad boy type and what kind of possible appeal those types can possibly have. Almost like saying I like fire even though fire burns your hand.

[ssboii360]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

run into a person who behaves that way you have the choice to tell that person

That's the thing, every women I run into has had some history of acting that way which makes me hard to believe that all of sudden they want something different. I don't see how people can consciously change what they're attracted to.

[Batya33]

Just now, ssboii360 said:

Thanks for the reply. Oh great I knew it was true for the majority. I don't understand how you get turned off by someone who acted nice. What does it even mean to act nice? People should act or be nice no matter what.

Dont you think that you would still be turned off by someone who genuinely was confident but did nice things?

Also, I don't understand why you went for the bad boy type and what kind of possible appeal those types can possibly have. Almost like saying I like fire even though fire burns your hand.

I personally like being around people who are kind and thoughtful mostly because that is what they truly want to do for the other person/people from healthy motives - from a position of reasonable confidence - normal people often have a lesser motive of wanting the other person to be appreciative, be more connected and that is fine but I am turned off by insecure people who are gushy or overdo it or don't seem to have healthy boundaries because they are desperate to be liked.

By bad boys I mean at times I went for men who seemed unavailable and distant -it was a challenge - men who said they weren't interested in anything serious -a challenge.  Thrill of the chase sort of thing.  I did not go for men who acted in an abusive way.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, ssboii360 said:

That's the thing, every women I run into has had some history of acting that way which makes me hard to believe that all of sudden they want something different. I don't see how people can consciously change what they're attracted to.

People change and grow.  I did.  I became the right person to find the right person.  You don't force attraction or consciously change a feeling.  You change yourself, you grow either naturally and/or from life experiences and as you change who you want to be around/who you are attracted to -can change too.

[ssboii360]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

By bad boys I mean at times I went for men who seemed unavailable and distant -it was a challenge - men who said they weren't interested in anything serious -a challenge. 

Maybe my ego is too big or something but I don't understand why unavailable people gives of that thrill. I get a thrill from blocking people who don't fall to my feet lolll.  What does it mean to act unavailable and how I can learn from that to seem more attractive to my gf?

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, ssboii360 said:

Maybe my ego is too big or something but I don't understand why unavailable people gives of that thrill. I get a thrill from blocking people who don't fall to my feet. What does it mean to act unavailable and how I can learn from that to seem more attractive to my gf?

I wouldn't act unavailable. I wouldn't "act".  I wrote above that it was a challenge for me. And exciting for awhile.  That's just me individually.  

I would simply act yourself as long as yourself is someone who is reasonably confident and acting and reacting out of that not out of neediness, desperation, wanting to be loved -I mean that can happen rarely -like we are needy when we have a bad cold, or we feel needy for love after a stressful day at work -just not as a steady diet. 

I had to "act" when I felt insecure when first dating someone I was overly excited about and didn't want to overshare/want him to know.  So I would remind myself to pace myself and not be overly available to him.

I never got a thrill from "blocking" people or similar who didn't fall to my feet -I don't relate at all -which just shows you that people are individuals. 

I don't think your gf is a good match for you.

[ssboii360]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

don't think your gf is a good match for you.

Why you say that?

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, ssboii360 said:

Why you say that?

For all the reasons above. Reread the input and what you wrote about how you two interact.  Seems obvious to me.

[ssboii360]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Seems obvious to me.

Doesn't seem obvious to me. You did say people change and I'm just analyzing people's past.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, ssboii360 said:

Doesn't seem obvious to me. You did say people change and I'm just analyzing people's past.

No need to analyze.  Look at what is in front of you and decide if the person you are dating is a person you like and respect and who likes and respects you.  For starters.

[smackie9]

Women are like snowflakes..none two are alike. So I'm not sure why you want to nail down what women are all about. What does it matter?

[SophiaG]

17 hours ago, ssboii360 said:

I had bad experiences with women that I'm talking to constantly bringing up how attractive another guy is to my face which ends up making me want to compare myself to other men so that I can become better to the point that no other women are going to point out other men to my face.

Depending on what you meant by "women you're talking to" this can be manipulative or disrespectful behavior. You address this not by comparing yourself to those men but by dating women who don't constantly bring up how attractive other men are to your face.

17 hours ago, ssboii360 said:

For example: all chicken like corns or all fishes swim or the dynamics between male lions and female lions usually all have the same similarities.

Well you've only known this from a very small number of women you dated versus all the women in the world. Sounds to me more like the common denominator is you. You are attracted to women who like "bad boys" for some reason.

[Zaku-II]

17 hours ago, ssboii360 said:

My first ex was really the first one who got me thinking about this topic because she'd asked me to buy her something, if say yes and then she tells me I should have said no because it turns her on and thats so insane to me that I feel like I live in a planet full of insane people.

Ah, finally realized you're on Earth, have you? I figured that out when I was 3 years old. Now that you know the truth, you can act accordingly.

[Debsterism]

I have a couple of things to say from reading your post and subsequent comments.

1. Your girlfriend is too old for you. Much more life experience and at a different stage of life. Lawd keep it strapped up so you don't become a baby daddy in this situation
2. You are from a vastly different social status than she is - raised in an elite boys school with a maid? Her sisters sound like hoodrats which means she is one too no matter how much you try to see her as "different from them" she's not. Evidenced by her texts to you using the words "bad boy". Who the hell does that at almost 40? That's some immature teenager nonsense. It also tells me that you are the one chasing the thrill of the "bad girl" experience vs her a "bad boy."
3. You are not looking at this clearly. No need to wonder what "women" in general mean - just focus on this one. The family history of accepting ass kickings, random pregnancies, etc is part of her culture. You certainly cannot think that whatever made the sister think that was okay didn't impact your GF too! If you do you are incredibly naive.
4. When you are involved with a person who confuses you instead of makes you feel safe and secure, you are with the wrong person. Those feelings of doubt and insecurity you're ignoring need to be focused on and addressed. Be honest with and respect yourself please. 

[ssboii360]

14 hours ago, Debsterism said:

Your girlfriend is too old for you. Much more life experience and at a different stage of life.

I wouldn't say she's too old for me. I understand the rest of your points and no I'm not seeking girls who likes bad boys. I have a habit of being picky and only start liking women who shows a lot of motherly affection and then they eventually always show the same behaviors. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. I'm sorry but I've talked to a bunch of women and the majority do seem to have similar behaviors. Older women are more on my level of maturity. Women below 30 are just something else. I am from a different social status which is why I'm more mature than the majority of people in their 40s. If this doesn't work I'm staying celibate forever because I don't understand what's going on with people nowadays. But I definitely understand the rests of your points.

[ssboii360]

17 hours ago, Zaku-II said:

Ah, finally realized you're on Earth, have you? I figured that out when I was 3 years old. Now that you know the truth, you can act accordingly.

Hahahah

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, ssboii360 said:

who shows a lot of motherly affection and then they eventually always show the same behaviors.

I'm a mother. Our son is 15.  What  specifically do you mean by "motherly" affection? Do you feel like they are looking for what you would call "fatherly" affection?