Frustrated in relationship, unsure how to move forward

[limbodimbo]

I’ve (28M) been with my girlfriend (25F) for almost two years, and we’ve had some amazing times together. I’ve invested a lot emotionally, financially, and practically, doing my best to support her through various challenges, yet I keep feeling a lack of reciprocation and appreciation. I’m struggling to understand if this relationship has run its course or if there’s more I could be doing to make it work. I’d love to get some outside perspectives.

I’m established in my career and earn a good income, which has allowed us to have a comfortable lifestyle. I’ve covered nearly all expenses—from rent and bills to trips and dates—and put a lot of effort into planning special experiences. She’s a student with a part-time job, and while I understand she’s under financial constraints, I’ve asked her to contribute symbolically or help out more with household chores. She felt that these requests were unfair, mentioning that she didn’t want to feel like a 'maid'. After discussion, we agreed she’d handle some of the chores, but even that often led to her expressing frustration, which left me feeling unappreciated. I paid for a cleaner at times to ease the tension.

She’s been through a lot personally, including family issues and stress from school, and I’ve tried to be there for her as much as I could. I helped her through a transition between jobs, where she was unemployed between them for around 6 months. While she’s expressed thanks, I often felt like my efforts were overlooked or underappreciated. She told me I wasn’t supportive enough, which was crushing given how much I felt I was already doing for her.

We’ve had ongoing communication issues that seem to amplify every small problem. When I offer advice or encourage her to focus on the positives, she sometimes feels like I’m trying to control her feelings or ignore her perspective. I’ve tried to address these issues gently, but no matter how I communicate, it feels like she interprets my intentions as negative, which frustrates and exhausts me.

Our sex life has also been a point of contention. While we were intimate in the beginning, things dwindled over time, with dry spells lasting a month at times. I expressed how important physical intimacy is to me, but whenever I tried to discuss it, she felt pressured or even criticized. Despite my efforts to work on it -whether through dates or communication - things didn’t really improve, and I was left feeling unwanted, which affected my self-esteem.

In recent months, I’ve started feeling emotionally drained and even angry at times. I’ve lost patience more than once, leading to arguments where my frustration boiled over, and I raised my voice. I recognize that’s not ideal, but I’m feeling so burned out that I question if I can keep giving. She’s mentioned that I’m not meeting her needs, yet I feel like I’m at a loss for how to meet them or whether we’re even compatible in what we need from each other.

I don’t know if staying and trying to work on things is the right move, or if we’re just at a point where we’re fundamentally incompatible. Is it time to accept that maybe we want different things out of a relationship?

[Batya33]

Does she eventually want kids? If so I would cut my losses and set her free now since these are her best fertility years.  She's been honest with you and may not even know what her needs are -maybe she simply needs to be with someone who gets her and accepts her where she is at.  Also  you sound resentful being the financial provider in a non-marital relationship where there are no kids -your money is yours to spend how you see fit but it could be your frustration is because you feel she takes it for granted.

How is cleaning "symbolic?" -because it's unpaid? Is volunteer work symbolic too lol. I think putting it that way is odd and may have given the wrong impression BUT she should have wanted to contribute even if she could not do so financially and/or there was no reason at all for  you to go all out and shower her with expensive trips/dates etc.  You chose not to press her on it and likely let resentment grow. Obviously if she contributed by doing more household stuff -she has more time, too -right? she's not the maid.  She's cleaning her home too, right? 

I do think this has run its course and let her find someone who is a better fit -especially if she eventually wants children.

[catfeeder]

Sounds as though all attempts to reason with her have only prompted defensiveness and put-downs. She takes you for granted. I'd have been done with her a long time ago. Life is too short.

[limbodimbo]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

How is cleaning "symbolic?" -because it's unpaid? Is volunteer work symbolic too lol.

I meant I gave the option to either take on more chores or contribute symbolically financially (it's symbolic because it would be a fraction of the expenses, I suggested around 30% of her monthly income).

 

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

She's cleaning her home too, right? 

We live together for ~1.5 years

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, limbodimbo said:

I meant I gave the option to either take on more chores or contribute symbolically financially (it's symbolic because it would be a fraction of the expenses, I suggested around 30% of her monthly income).

 

We live together for ~1.5 years

Just odd phrasing IMO but no worries.  I agree with Catfeeder.

[smackie9]

Cut your losses. This relationship has been so out of balance from the beginning. You have shining knight syndrome...rescuing her because she has a bad start, financially challenged, struggling with her family life, etc...you are dating a wounded bird that isn't healing. This relationship has ran it's course. Investment? You invested poorly and it's time to get out. 2 years is nothing. I dumped my ex at 5 years...no regrets.

[SophiaG]

You are incompatible and she sounds a bit spoiled. However you may want to work on this:

8 hours ago, limbodimbo said:

When I offer advice or encourage her to focus on the positives, she sometimes feels like I’m trying to control her feelings or ignore her perspective. I’ve tried to address these issues gently, but no matter how I communicate, it feels like she interprets my intentions as negative, which frustrates and exhausts me.

If I'm complaining about something to my bf and he "encourages me to focus on the positives" I'd be annoyed no matter how gently he says it. She might seem negative to you but if you want to be supportive and communicate effectively, see things through her perspective and empathize before offering advice or encouraging her to see it differently. If you feel she complains too much about trivial things then again - you two are not compatible.

[limbodimbo]

1 hour ago, SophiaG said:

She might seem negative to you but if you want to be supportive and communicate effectively, see things through her perspective and empathize before offering advice or encouraging her to see it differently.

Absolutely agree with you and this was after quite some time of hardship, which seemingly stemmed from studies, just wanted to help her see things differently as things weren't changing. I try my best to listen when things get tough, always hug out the crying and try to cheer her up as much as I can. But I can definitely improve here.

[TeeDee]

Next time she says she doesn't want to feel like a maid remind her that you don't enjoy feeling like an ATM

[ShySoul]

You presented a lot of negatives and problems. That covers the con list. What about the pro list? Why did you get together in the first place? Why have you been together for a year and a half? Are there good times? What qualities about her do you like? What do you have in common? Shared interests or values? What makes you hold onto this if you feel so unappreciated?

Not saying to stay with her or break up with her. That's your choice. But before you decide, compare both sides of the ledger and see which side comes out ahead. 

And whatever you decide, you did not invest poorly or waste your time. There was obviously something about this person that you liked, some good qualities within her. If you felt something for her, then being with her was the right things to do at the time, at least for you.

14 hours ago, limbodimbo said:

She’s mentioned that I’m not meeting her needs, yet I feel like I’m at a loss for how to meet them or whether we’re even compatible in what we need from each other.

What exactly are her needs? Has she specifically told them to you?

Neither of you are mind readers. You seem to each have expectations of the other which gets failed. We've heard what you expect from her. What does she expect from you? Have you had a discussion that lays it all out? Have you discussed how each of you can meet the expectations, what little things you can do to start on that path? Have you each tried to compromise, being willing to give up certain things you would like in order to meet the other person half way?