I don't understand maybe I am in denial that it's over

[TeeDee]

No love isn't enough.  You need respect.  

[Jaunty]

7 hours ago, Vivianne said:

He isn't a healthy person. I think he needs professional help. 

Maybe, but he's not here.  

I think that YOU need professional help.  As another poster mentioned,  you answer every question asked of you with more and more about HIM.  

What are you doing in this relationship?  It's obviously a very unhealthy choice for you.   

If you get some counseling, you will be able to find your way out of this mess.

[Vivianne]

On 11/10/2024 at 4:25 PM, Batya33 said:

You have no idea if he will react with his hands or in a violent way if he is capable of what he is doing now.

He is only tough with his words. 

[Vivianne]

He gave me an ultimatum he wants to know what I did with the loans why I took them. Idk how to process this I will tell him but I feel like he is messing with me telling me he loves me but all I can think of are the times he disrespected me. I feel so blind and weak. I deserve better but I keep telling myself I won't ever find any better because most men suck. All of them are toxic.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Vivianne said:

He gave me an ultimatum he wants to know what I did with the loans why I took them. Idk how to process this I will tell him but I feel like he is messing with me telling me he loves me but all I can think of are the times he disrespected me. I feel so blind and weak. I deserve better but I keep telling myself I won't ever find any better because most men suck. All of them are toxic.

Ugh  you have such low standards -why? No it's not true - there are people who are bad people and people who will treat  you with respect and thoughtfulness. And lots in between.  Watch the feet  -what he does - not the lips -what he says.  Would a person who shows and gives love treat you this way? Why are you financial decisions any of his business?

Don't process -it's very basic.  Fake it till you make it -rehearse saying politely but firmly "I don't like how you are speaking to me and this is none of your business." Every time you tell yourself lies about how all men are toxic do some sort of little ritual -it might be 4-7-8 breathing (google it with the Weil method) it might be singing your favorite lyrics loudly or to yourself like some sort of "every little things..... gonna be all right!" or it might be running in place for a minute or running up and down stairs or some sort of brisk bodily movement that snaps you back to a more balanced perspective. 

Also why do you want to "find a man" so badly that you stay with this man who disrespects you out of fear so you settle for the dregs for the scraps?

Do one thing today that advances the ball -rehearse your polite, one sentence or less response like I wrote above - remind yourself that "No" is a complete sentence and make little goals for yourself that are positive -might be calling a friend, doing a small kindness, scrubbing your bathtub -whatever is an action that is a positive action that is kind to yourself or others.  That does not involve him.

Take care. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Vivianne said:

He is only tough with his words. 

So far.

[ShySoul]

On 11/12/2024 at 9:42 PM, Vivianne said:

I feel so blind and weak. I deserve better but I keep telling myself I won't ever find any better because most men suck. All of them are toxic.

Sadly a lot of men do suck and are toxic. And a good number of women as well. But not all of them. There are a good number of good guys out there who will treat you well. They will respect you and not yell, accuse you of things, lie to you, threaten you, etc. As one of those guys, I know I would never treat someone as you've been treated.

@Vivianne

Hopefully you've been able to separate yourself from his unhealthy behavior. If you read this, please let us know how you are. Know I'm thinking of you and wishing you well. Believe in yourself and know you deserve better. Stay safe.

[Vivianne]

11 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Sadly a lot of men do suck and are toxic. And a good number of women as well. But not all of them. There are a good number of good guys out there who will treat you well. They will respect you and not yell, accuse you of things, lie to you, threaten you, etc. As one of those guys, I know I would never treat someone as you've been treated.

@Vivianne

Hopefully you've been able to separate yourself from his unhealthy behavior. If you read this, please let us know how you are. Know I'm thinking of you and wishing you well. Believe in yourself and know you deserve better. Stay safe.

Thanks for reading my post and taking the time to answer me everyone was respectful in their answers. We talked it out I am working on myself. Him, his anger issues I have pointed it out to him but he won't do anything about it. I have another issue with him but I will let his ex deal with it, and other people have pointed it out to me sigh. I cannot change him he should change himself. Praying he does. But we are working on it, I love this man with all my heart.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Vivianne said:

Thanks for reading my post and taking the time to answer me everyone was respectful in their answers. We talked it out I am working on myself. Him, his anger issues I have pointed it out to him but he won't do anything about it. I have another issue with him but I will let his ex deal with it, and other people have pointed it out to me sigh. I cannot change him he should change himself. Praying he does. But we are working on it, I love this man with all my heart.

Do you love yourself with all your heart? What work do you have to do to know your worth and know not to stick around with someone who refuses to act in response to anger issues that affect your wellbeing, issues that harm you greatly and may cause even more harm down the road especially since he's so dismissive. Prayers are lovely and irrelevant here. He's not going to change -he told you that - so prayers aren't some sort of magic wand.  

If you love this person with all your heart continue to do so from a safe distance - tell him you love him and should he ever decide to work on his anger issues and should he ever believe he has changed his behavior in a permanent and consistent way you're open to talking with him at that future time.  

Use head and heart here - feelings aren't facts.  The fact is he is going to remain and behave the way he has been -and likely worse because if you stick around you're tolerating it.