I don't understand maybe I am in denial that it's over

[Vivianne]

Since yesterday my partner of 3 years is mad at me because I took out loans how did he find out is because instead of going to the bank like a normal person he asks me to transfer him 1000$ I told him I can send 900$ because I have my car payment going through today.

 

Then he is like so that means you haven't been saving when you said you (I was saving but *** happened that I only have 430$ in savings) because of that he explodes calls me names while the kids are here idk if they heard all the nasty things he said. He goes through my phone deletes a number of apps goes through my email because he says he doesn't believe me. I go on Facebook and he removes out pic so I deactivated my account blocked his # .

 

He says for now he is single. Seriously I don't understand why he kept telling he loves me when it is a lie. I am not sure how I feel right now I am sad and angry and mostly hurt he is still calling me names. What should I do is it over? We aren't even sleeping together and I have noticed my health has declined since being with him. So he is toxic I understand why his ex cheated on him he is a horrible terrible bf he also humiliated me in front of my family. When he is angry he is a monster. Please help I don't know what to do our place is a mess then he tells me he has to treat me like a 16 year have a joint account to see what I do with my money. Please help! I know long post!

[MissCanuck]

There seem to be approximately 57784 missing pieces from this story.  Some questions to clarify what is happening: 

1) Why did he ask you to transfer him $1000 to begin with? 
2) He deleted apps and emails because he doesn't believe you...about what? What you have spent money on?
3) Why are you still with someone you refer to as a horrible, terrible boyfriend?
4) Do you have these children together? 
5) Do you live together? 
 

[Vivianne]

Apparently he didn't have time to go to the bank before coming home so he asked me to transfer him the 1000$, he had the cash in his hands.

Apparently he doesn't trust me with my apps about the loans I guess? I didn't spend money except on money I owe to the government and my car payments he doesn't believe me.

 

I have no idea why I am still with him it's scary.

 

He has kids 

 

We live together.

 

Sorry for the confusion I am typing with a lot of emotions.

[TeeDee]

Since you live together it is scary.  Breaking up means upending your whole life.    He sounds emotionally abusive so as difficult as moving will be, you have to think about what a peaceful environment will do for your overall physical and mental wellbeing. 

Let's take some of the emotions out of it.  Yes, I know that is not easy. 

Find a quiet place & ask yourself the old Ann Landers Q:  are you better off with or without him. 

Then make a pros  & cons list about staying or going. 

Finally take stock of your finances.  It sounds like you don't have a lot of liquidity and you have debt.  How's your financial literacy?  Does it need to improve?  Start with some easy to understand sites like Dave Ramsey & Suzie Orman.   Check out the US Dept of Treasury site:  Financial Literacy and Education Commission | U.S. Department of the Treasury  Start reading FREE financial books from the library like Think & Grow Rich;  Rich Dad, Poor Dad etc.    

Next you need a budget.  How much do you earn?  How much do things cost? What are you spending?    Look at the hard numbers.  What can you cut or reduce?  Can you increase your earnings or cut spending?  

You have to do some practical work to get yourself through this & onto the road to independence.  

[ShySoul]

He is asking you for money, yet gets mad at you for how you've handled your finances. He's trying to control what you do with your money.

Rather then talk about it as muture adults, he throws a tantrum and calls you names.

He accuses you of lying.

He goes through your phone and emails, deleting what you have saved. That's invading your privacy.

He breaks up with you over it.

You call him toxic and say your health declines being with him. You called him a monster. You are scared of him.

He has treated you poorly in front of your family.

Any one of these things should be a major red flag. All of them together is a sign of someone not respecting or caring about you.

It's ok to feel hurt, sad, and upset. It's okay to be angry or scared. What you need to focus on is finding a way away from someone that you admit is doing you more harm then good. Staying with him isn't healthy for you.

Do you have someone you can stay with while you work on getting your own place and separating from him?

[catfeeder]

You don't need to ask, you already know he's an abusive AH.

Do you have any friends of family to stay with temporarily?

I'd contact one of the Domestic Violence Prevention hotlines on the Internet for a referral to local help, or I'd contact my local hospital's human services department for a referral to a woman's counselor for help.

You don't need to put up with this.

[shouldhavelearned]

More to this

[Vivianne]

Thanks for replying I will follow your advice I feel mad but I am mostly sad that's why I am different from him I don't let anger cloud my judgement. I already talked to him about the name calling so I started calling him names. Also today we are having his family together I hope they notice something is off I am in the living room while he is in the kitchen I am usually helping but keeping my distance. It's a sad day today for me. I will manage my finances and figure out if I want to pursue this thing called a relationship. I wanted to add how fake he is why can he pretend to be happy in front of his family I can't I feel sick to my stomach I feel like leaving. He didn't say anything to me. But when I wanted to have my family he told me the dinner is cancelled ugh.

[Kwothe28]

28 minutes ago, Vivianne said:

I have no idea why I am still with him it's scary.

 

Because you are the same mess as he is. Otherwise somebody who is so toxic that he wants to take your money, invades your privacy and abuses you, wouldnt be attractive to you at all. 

[catfeeder]

Just now, Vivianne said:

Thanks for replying I will follow your advice I feel mad but I am mostly sad that's why I am different from him I don't let anger cloud my judgement. I already talked to him about the name calling so I started calling him names. Also today we are having his family together I hope they notice something is off I am in the living room while he is in the kitchen I am usually helping but keeping my distance. It's a sad day today for me. I will manage my finances and figure out if I want to pursue this thing called a relationship. I wanted to add how fake he is why can he pretend to be happy in front of his family I can't I feel sick to my stomach I feel like leaving. He didn't say anything to me. But when I wanted to have my family he told me the dinner is cancelled ugh.

Why not just go somewhere else? Let him deal with his own family, you start making plans for yourself.

You get to decide how sad you want to be about liberating yourself from mistreatment. He doesn't deserve your sadness, he's a jerk.

[Vivianne]

13 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Because you are the same mess as he is. Otherwise somebody who is so toxic that he wants to take your money, invades your privacy and abuses you, wouldnt be attractive to you at all. 

Idk apparently he says we are building something together but you open an account together smh.

[Vivianne]

11 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Why not just go somewhere else? Let him deal with his own family, you start making plans for yourself.

You get to decide how sad you want to be about liberating yourself from mistreatment. He doesn't deserve your sadness, he's a jerk.

I called him a bastard and a *** too because he always has to make a scene in front of everyone I told him it's because he wants to show that he is the top dog. Disgusting behavior. All I can think of is poor kids (girls) I keep telling him he is teaching his kids that's how you treat women he isn't better with their mom I told him no matter how mad you are with her you need to stop calling her names in front of the kids.

[Vivianne]

18 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Because you are the same mess as he is. Otherwise somebody who is so toxic that he wants to take your money, invades your privacy and abuses you, wouldnt be attractive to you at all. 

I guess I am this is because of the abuse I went through with an ex I know that it's an excuse staying with him. But he was good at the beginning but I slowly saw the monster he is anyways sigh. My whole problem with this is how he can just flip to being single where is the love? It hurts.

[Vivianne]

39 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

You don't need to ask, you already know he's an abusive AH.

Do you have any friends of family to stay with temporarily?

I'd contact one of the Domestic Violence Prevention hotlines on the Internet for a referral to local help, or I'd contact my local hospital's human services department for a referral to a woman's counselor for help.

You don't need to put up with this.

Thanks and he projects he is passive aggressive and says I am the one who is.

[Seraphim]

Girl , pack a bag and your important papers and your electronics and leave . He will be distracted with his family . 

[Vivianne]

Just now, Seraphim said:

Girl , pack a bag and your important papers and your electronics and leave . He will be distracted with his family . 

Thanks but he already is distracted by them. 

[rainbowsandroses]

22 minutes ago, Vivianne said:

It hurts.

I know it does and I'm so sorry.  😞

Somehow, some way, you need to get stronger.   Like now, I'm actually afraid for you (and your kids?) at this point.   He sounds like a loose cannon waiting to explode. 

I agree with others to leave ASAP, can you get online and locate the nearest women's shelter?

There are resources out there and people to help you extricate yourself from this toxic person and relationship..

Physically and emotionally.

In any event, big virtual hug and continue reaching out here for support if/when you need it. 💛

 

[Vivianne]

52 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

He is asking you for money, yet gets mad at you for how you've handled your finances. He's trying to control what you do with your money.

Rather then talk about it as muture adults, he throws a tantrum and calls you names.

He accuses you of lying.

He goes through your phone and emails, deleting what you have saved. That's invading your privacy.

He breaks up with you over it.

You call him toxic and say your health declines being with him. You called him a monster. You are scared of him.

He has treated you poorly in front of your family.

Any one of these things should be a major red flag. All of them together is a sign of someone not respecting or caring about you.

It's ok to feel hurt, sad, and upset. It's okay to be angry or scared. What you need to focus on is finding a way away from someone that you admit is doing you more harm then good. Staying with him isn't healthy for you.

Do you have someone you can stay with while you work on getting your own place and separating from him?

I am embarrassed because this isn't the 1st time this had happened and I came back home. The reasons why I left is the issues were bigger than money. I hate this situation, like he says he has to treat me like a 16 year old.

[catfeeder]

You reply to every response that suggests you take care of YOU with a statement about HIM. 

Stop making everything about him--he's not worth your focus right now. Get some local help and make a plan for your SELF and work that plan to get free of this guy. You will thank yourself sooner rather than later.

He doesn't matter. YOU matter.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, Vivianne said:

I guess I am this is because of the abuse I went through with an ex I know that it's an excuse staying with him. But he was good at the beginning but I slowly saw the monster he is anyways sigh. My whole problem with this is how he can just flip to being single where is the love? It hurts.

You aren't a mess and you aren't like him. You are someone who has been hurt and is hoping for better, for someone who can help you feel good about yourself. You thought he was that guy. You saw good in him, and for all the bad there is probably good there too. No one is 100% a monster. It's natural that someone who has been hurt before will want to believe this time it is different. So you ignore the bad and try to only see the good. That's called being human.

He can flip to being single or put on a show for the family because he is a chemelon who does what benefits him. If it benefits him to be sweet and sensitive to you and gain your trust, he will do it. If it benefits him to yell and call names to get his way, he will do it. And if it benefits him to act like a happy family man, he will carry on the charade. 

If it helps, people like that tend to be insecure deep down. They feel the need to always be in control because they know they really aren't. If anything, you have the power here. You can leave him. He needed money from you. You can be your own person and get out of a situation that isn't healthy for you.

1 hour ago, Vivianne said:

I am embarrassed because this isn't the 1st time this had happened and I came back home. The reasons why I left is the issues were bigger than money. I hate this situation, like he says he has to treat me like a 16 year old.

It's okay, don't be embarrassed. No, he doesn't have to treat you like a 16 year old. He should be treating you like an adult. 

People in emotionally or even physically abusive situations can take several times before they do something about it. They can feel trapped or helpless. Him saying he has to do this is to keep you under control. It's designed to make you come back, putting the blame on you. Don't accept it.

My mother has been in similar relationships. She kept going back even when it wasn't good for her because she believed she had to. Eventually she saw she had a choice and stopped. 

You have that strength in you. You don't have to take his abuse. Do what you need to in order to free yourself of him. 

Stay safe and we're here for you.

[Vivianne]

17 hours ago, ShySoul said:

You aren't a mess and you aren't like him. You are someone who has been hurt and is hoping for better, for someone who can help you feel good about yourself. You thought he was that guy. You saw good in him, and for all the bad there is probably good there too. No one is 100% a monster. It's natural that someone who has been hurt before will want to believe this time it is different. So you ignore the bad and try to only see the good. That's called being human.

He can flip to being single or put on a show for the family because he is a chemelon who does what benefits him. If it benefits him to be sweet and sensitive to you and gain your trust, he will do it. If it benefits him to yell and call names to get his way, he will do it. And if it benefits him to act like a happy family man, he will carry on the charade. 

If it helps, people like that tend to be insecure deep down. They feel the need to always be in control because they know they really aren't. If anything, you have the power here. You can leave him. He needed money from you. You can be your own person and get out of a situation that isn't healthy for you.

It's okay, don't be embarrassed. No, he doesn't have to treat you like a 16 year old. He should be treating you like an adult. 

People in emotionally or even physically abusive situations can take several times before they do something about it. They can feel trapped or helpless. Him saying he has to do this is to keep you under control. It's designed to make you come back, putting the blame on you. Don't accept it.

My mother has been in similar relationships. She kept going back even when it wasn't good for her because she believed she had to. Eventually she saw she had a choice and stopped. 

You have that strength in you. You don't have to take his abuse. Do what you need to in order to free yourself of him. 

Stay safe and we're here for you.

Thanks for reading and answering me. It's hard every time I look at him I see the man that I love we were building a future together I used to be strong and would leave if it wasn't working for myself I have become weak. We had the talk about why he lashes out like that (past relationships) bro I am not your past. And the name calling.

 

This isn't the 1st time nor the last we were fighting when he didn't have a job and having issues with his ex. I was borrowing him money. He said "when I get back on my feet I am leaving you, we're done!" It is always on the back of my mind. This time I am thinking this isn't love if he really loves me he would've acted differently. It's the anger that destroys him. In my head I will not find anyone else it's over done I am 37 yrs old who would want an old woman (yeah I feel old).

 

Then I keep thinking to myself I don't want to resort to cheating because I still love him. Is love strong enough? I have been hurt so many times i can't count anymore. I am just tired.

[Vivianne]

20 hours ago, ShySoul said:

He is asking you for money, yet gets mad at you for how you've handled your finances. He's trying to control what you do with your money.

Rather then talk about it as muture adults, he throws a tantrum and calls you names.

He accuses you of lying.

He goes through your phone and emails, deleting what you have saved. That's invading your privacy.

He breaks up with you over it.

You call him toxic and say your health declines being with him. You called him a monster. You are scared of him.

He has treated you poorly in front of your family.

Any one of these things should be a major red flag. All of them together is a sign of someone not respecting or caring about you.

It's ok to feel hurt, sad, and upset. It's okay to be angry or scared. What you need to focus on is finding a way away from someone that you admit is doing you more harm then good. Staying with him isn't healthy for you.

Do you have someone you can stay with while you work on getting your own place and separating from him?

I keep telling him the name calling is wrong I don't call him names but he gets me so angry that I start calling him names which isn't me. Also does it in front of the kids of it was an okay argument but it isn't he called me a c*nt b*tch just like when he talks to his ex.  There have been major red flags and I stayed that's why I am embarrassed. One of my friends says I deserve better (but better doesn't exist).

He isn't a healthy person. I think he needs professional help. 

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, Vivianne said:

e isn't a healthy person. I think he needs professional help. 

If he asks you for a referral you can see if you can help him.  No need to cheat on him.  Break up and date when you're ready.  What's worse -embarassment temporarily or risking permanent injuries if he resorts to physical violence and/or needing to get a restraining order or him calling the police on you....

[Vivianne]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

If he asks you for a referral you can see if you can help him.  No need to cheat on him.  Break up and date when you're ready.  What's worse -embarassment temporarily or risking permanent injuries if he resorts to physical violence and/or needing to get a restraining order or him calling the police on you....

He never asked I mentioned it once he will never seek help from a professional. He isn't violent just angry. If someone will have to call the police it would be me. Anyways sigh

[Batya33]

51 minutes ago, Vivianne said:

He never asked I mentioned it once he will never seek help from a professional. He isn't violent just angry. If someone will have to call the police it would be me. Anyways sigh

You have no idea if he will react with his hands or in a violent way if he is capable of what he is doing now.