Low sexdrive in relationship

[Bjørn]

Hello everybody 

me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 2 years and we are generally very good together and love each other extremely much. Although we have a problem with our sex drive. In the honeymoon phase we had a lot of drive and went all in and it felt perfect. After some time we started to have issues with the timing of orgasming and time things to make each other satisfied as in the beginning. 
now things went even more downhill and we don’t have sex more than once a week and not everyday as in the beginning. 
She wants me to flirt with her in a more romantic way, fx talking eye contact and other non physical ways. 
I want to do this but I find it very difficult and I just go and touch her because I want her, but it doesn’t turn her on. 
I ends up in a situation I want her but I can’t get her because I can’t do the right things to turn her on. It feels difficult for me to initiate sex without being physical.

She’s very thoughtful and about thoughts and emotions and I find it hard to connect in the level even though I really want to.

I think it starts because I don’t do enough effort to get to her and turn her on. 
 

please help me and say what I can do or think about to make this work.

We are so good together and are both attracted and into each other from look and personality but the act of foreplay and flirting is not in harmony.

[Andrina]

I don't know why you believe orgasming at the exact same time is important. Who cares? If a woman isn't brought to orgasm the same time as you with intercourse, you can perform oral for her, and vice versa.

Sounds like you have a high sex drive and hers is normal. What happens at the beginning of a relationship doesn't mean that will stay the same for a lifetime. Sometimes the novelty of a new relationship brings about an extreme overdrive that isn't realistic to sustain.

My ex husband and I had a similar dynamic so I can say as a woman in that situation, it's extremely important for us to be given affection during the week at times when sex isn't the goal. We don't want to be touched and flirted with only when our partner is immediately seeking sex. And actually, it's said that a woman welcomes and initiates sex more often when our lives are made easier by our partner when the chores are divided in a fair fashion, plus when a partner takes on a bit more at times. Less tired in life, more energy for sex.

Your energy might be too intense in the sexual arena, whereas she feels pressured. IMO, daily sex would become monotonous and not as special as being spaced out a bit. Do you have any hobbies and do you spend time with guy friends. Perhaps redirecting to those activities now and then would be healthier for you than seeking intimacy with your partner on a daily basis. Can I ask how old you two are?

[Bjørn]

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

I don't know why you believe orgasming at the exact same time is important. Who cares? If a woman isn't brought to orgasm the same time as you with intercourse, you can perform oral for her, and vice versa.

Sounds like you have a high sex drive and hers is normal. What happens at the beginning of a relationship doesn't mean that will stay the same for a lifetime. Sometimes the novelty of a new relationship brings about an extreme overdrive that isn't realistic to sustain.

My ex husband and I had a similar dynamic so I can say as a woman in that situation, it's extremely important for us to be given affection during the week at times when sex isn't the goal. We don't want to be touched and flirted with only when our partner is immediately seeking sex. And actually, it's said that a woman welcomes and initiates sex more often when our lives are made easier by our partner when the chores are divided in a fair fashion, plus when a partner takes on a bit more at times. Less tired in life, more energy for sex.

Your energy might be too intense in the sexual arena, whereas she feels pressured. IMO, daily sex would become monotonous and not as special as being spaced out a bit. Do you have any hobbies and do you spend time with guy friends. Perhaps redirecting to those activities now and then would be healthier for you than seeking intimacy with your partner on a daily basis. Can I ask how old you two are?

Thank you for answering! 
I believe you’re right about the things that you said. I have things to work on and have another perspective on the whole intimate part. 
When this is said I am not in a very easy situation. I am 22 years old and my girlfriend is not from my country so I moved to hers. I basically moved from the one site of Europe to the other to be with her. I have done many things here like work but I have not managed to find a true friend or own connections. My life is basically her and all current connections is through her. 
I really want my own and not be a nobody cause that’s how I feel atm. I’m not speaking the language fully and it’s difficult to connect with others too.

I know the problem but I don’t know what to do about it. I want to create my own, but at the same time I miss things from home as old friends and family and all my upbringing. 

but at the same time I love my girlfriend so so much and she’s and my soulmate. 
It makes me really sad and I know if I didn’t have this problem would the sex and everything be different. 
 

Also the reason we can’t try to move to mine is that she is studying here and my education is online so it’s not possible for her.

Thanks again!

[ShySoul]

When you focus on sex, you miss out on all the other, more imporant things. The romance is what drives things. The simply being together, talking and enjoying each other's company. Compliments, doing even routine tasks together, smiling and laughing together. Hold hands. Cuddle as you watch a movie together. Go out and do something you both enjoy. Really listen to her. Remember things and do little things, surprises and treats that show you are thinking of her. All of this shows you like her for who she is, makes her feel safe and secure with you. And that is when a person feels comfortable enough to let themselves be physically intimate with someone.

Sex is only partly physical. The emotional and mental aspects are what makes it special. If you focus on touching her heart and soul, that can stimulate the body.

You don't need to do anything specific. You just need to pay attention to her. What does she like? What things make her happy? The goal is to make her feel loved and appreciated. She take a look at who she is and what kind of things would make her feel loved and appreciated. Then do it. 

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, Bjørn said:

I have done many things here like work but I have not managed to find a true friend or own connections. My life is basically her and all current connections is through her. 

Well, now you know something you can work on, so no excuses. How about taking an in-person language class to learn the language better to make better friend connections. You'll probably even meet people in class in the same boat as you and bond through that. Some places have expatriate clubs that get together to watch football matches at a sports bar, etc. Look into that. You could even join a sports team if you're athletic. You really do need to get your own individual life besides being one half of a partnership. She will begin to feel smothered if she's your sole source of happiness, plus she will find you far more interesting when you develop new friends you can introduce her to and new hobbies she can join in on, or at least miss you a little when you're briefly off for friend/hobby time.

[Bjørn]

2 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Well, now you know something you can work on, so no excuses. How about taking an in-person language class to learn the language better to make better friend connections. You'll probably even meet people in class in the same boat as you and bond through that. Some places have expatriate clubs that get together to watch football matches at a sports bar, etc. Look into that. You could even join a sports team if you're athletic. You really do need to get your own individual life besides being one half of a partnership. She will begin to feel smothered if she's your sole source of happiness, plus she will find you far more interesting when you develop new friends you can introduce her to and new hobbies she can join in on, or at least miss you a little when you're briefly off for friend/hobby time.

Thank you so much for putting this into words it helps me a lot! I will try to seek into sport and language schools and take this step.

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, Bjørn said:

I think it starts because I don’t do enough effort to get to her and turn her on. 
 

Could this be because you're only physical with her when you want sex?

If so, she won't be able to relax into enjoyment of physical touch because she senses a demand behind it--every time.

Instead, I'd be physically affectionate on a regular basis without attempting sex so she can learn how to trust that your touches are because you want to touch her rather than impose expectations on her.

The only way she can learn to respond to you is by trusting and relaxing. She can't relax if you always have an agenda instead of wanting to cuddle for the sake of cuddling.