What’s the point?

[BluesyStJohn]

I honestly think i’m the person that helps people grow and then when they’re done, they leave. im that person. im the lesson. I’ve just been thinking about how no matter I treat these situationships, talking stages, or whatever people want to name them nowadays, I always get screwed over but still other people become happy out of it. Like my most recent relationship I posted about, my roommate and the girl’s friend became a happy couple and I’m happy and along with that the girl went back with her ex and now they’re happy(I think) but even before that like a year ago, another girl I was trying to talk to ghosted me and had sex with a friend only to be awkward about it and confess that she “still likes me” and other crap. I understand life is full of bumps and bruises and disappointment but honestly guys I just want to be happy. And there are days where I am but I’m still just a lesson for people. And I help people no matter what and I try to be a nice person but I honestly think I’m too empathetic. That’s not a bad thing and I don’t intend to stop being kind but it’s starting to hurt. A lot.

[shouldhavelearned]

Your day will come and she'll make you so happy that you won't even think of the past

[catfeeder]

I'd draw the line at 'helping' anyone who I'd like to date, myself, to deal with other relationship issues. That's self-designated 'friendship,' and as you've noticed, it does not translate to a romantic outcome for one's self. 

I'd rather be honest about where I stand. "I'm sorry you're having trouble with your breakup, and I can see that it's not the right time for me to ask you for a date. I'm pulling back while we both think highly of one another. If you're ever free and clear and completely over the guy, you're welcome to reach out. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up."

Boom! Done. She'll respect you, and you'll respect yourself. You get to move forward to find someone more suitable for you, and if you ever hear from the woman again, it'll be about you, not some other dude.

[Batya33]

It's not entirely nice to "help" when you're that motivated by self-interest and bias.  We all have some self-interest when we help -with rare exception -we like someone saying "thanks!" for example - but you seem to want to be the white knight swooping in and expecting the reward of romance.  

I like Catfeeder's suggestion about how  to approach that sort of situation next time.

[Andrina]

Perhaps you haven't identified red flags, or ignored them and hoped for the best. You might've assumed your kind heart would win them over. Maybe now that you've witnessed that behavior and saw the results, you will avoid women who aren't fully emotionally available for what you want.

Having been single for several years after my first marriage ended, I know that it takes a lot of sifting through sand before finding the treasure. Better to vette quickly and wisely, tossing the minnows back into the sea so you'll be free for when the keeper comes along. If you haven't try Meetup.com groups in your area for singles in your age group, I highly recommend that.

[Cherylyn]

Pump the brakes on trying to be nice and helpful.  Like you,  back in my day,  I was in hero mode,  always trying to save people,  rescue them,  invested my time,  labor,  money and endless efforts to make other people happy at my expense.  Those days are no more.  Like you,  what did I get out of it?  I felt used and then conveniently discarded after I was no longer a utility for them to exploit. 

Nowadays,  I'm more nonchalant.  I have local best friends but neither of us are emotionally invested in each other.  We're kind to one another but we don't over do it.  Especially me.  I do just enough to keep the friendship afloat and not an ounce more.  I suggest you do the same.  Enforce healthy boundaries for yourself.  If you don't give away too much of your soul to others,  you won't feel disappointed when they don't reciprocate.  Only give what you get in return.  Since you know history has a tendency to repeat itself,  don't over invest yourself into others otherwise you'll get hurt because they won't deliver as you had anticipated. 

I'm even this way with local relatives and in-laws whereas in the past,  I knocked myself out for them in every capacity imaginable.  I even did the same for relatives who resided hundreds of miles away.  What did I get in return?  I was burned badly.  People have no qualms receiving while you do all the giving.  😠  They take advantage of your naivete.  Develop street smarts.  😏

I've since learned to emulate others.  If they put forth the effort to be good to me in anyway,  I do likewise.  If they treat me with indifference,  I return the favor and focus on my own life.  It's a two way street.  I can be very nice and generous only if others are the same towards me.  If not,  let's be equal and all is fair.  🙂  👍

[ShySoul]

16 hours ago, BluesyStJohn said:

And I help people no matter what and I try to be a nice person but I honestly think I’m too empathetic. That’s not a bad thing and I don’t intend to stop being kind but it’s starting to hurt. A lot.

That's the downside of being a caring empath. You can't help but help people, even when it ends up hurting you in some way. But you know you aren't wrong for doing it. You help people because it is your nature, because you feel compelled to. You do it because it's the right thing to do. When someone needs you, you don't feel right turning away from them.

You aren't naive. You aren't too empathetic. You are being a good person, the person you know you are at heart. And that is a good... no.... that is a great thing. The world needs more people willing to always be there for people, even at risk for themselves. 

Friendship may not equate to romance. But there is still nothing at all wrong with friendship. If you care for someone, you want what is best for them. So you give them what they need and you help them if you can. And that is a noble thing. It may hurt for a bit, but in the end you feel better knowing you did the right thing.

I am also the one that is always there for someone, and have also watched them leave. I have been told how I am naive, how I should change. I am told to not be so nice and that you shouldn't be there for people if it could hurt you. Poppyc**k, I say! Being nice is it's own reward. Being nice is simply doing the right thing. If more people were like that the world would be a better place.

You are the lesson - the lesson of how people should be. You are the example to aspire to. You are the role model.

And trust me, someone will see just how special a person like you is. And when they do, you'll be rewarded for it with an intense passion. It feels pretty good when it happens. 😉

 

[poorlittlefish]

I can't offer any advice, other than saying it says more about them than about you and that there's absolutely nothing wrong in being the kind, decent person you are.  I can only empathise as I have had the same experiences and mine have been long-term relationships.  I've been with men who've had nothing or have been so socially inept that they made me wait outside the shop while they bought me a Valentine's Day card and then didn't realise they needed to write something in it (seriously).  Once they've become competent at life/relationships, they've (cheated and) moved onto someone "better".  It sucks.

[Cherylyn]

There's nothing wrong with being nice but don't be so nice to the point where you're only setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt.  If you're going to be nice,  be nice while knowing your niceness can very well backfire with all sorts of responses such as with indifference or meanness.  As long as you're prepared for all scenarios,  continue giving your kind soul to others.  Just don't be surprised nor shocked for any outcome because human nature will often times deliver a cruel blow despite your best intentions to be nice to them.

Due to my experience with so many people from all walks of life,  I do what works.  I'm very kind to those who are consistently good to me and we have this mutual understanding of respect and treating each other very well.  For everyone else?  I'm civil and keep a cautious,  very safe distance.  It works and most of all,  I'm no longer hurt because I don't give them the opportunity to spew anything my way.  Those days are no more.  Never let your guard down.  Better safe than sorry.  😉