is offline dating better for average looking guys?

[4everalone]

Do you guys find it easier to attract women you're attracted to outside of dating apps??

[BeaTlesFan77]

At this point, I hate to say no.  Within the past couple of months, I have been to a few different offline singles mixers and have not had any success as far as getting dates.  On that note, there is another one coming up a week from today.  I'm still on the fence if I'm going or not considering the distance. 

[ShySoul]

1. Dating apps can make things more difficult, regardless of gender or so called attractiveness. It turns things into a number games where people are bombarded with names, pictures, and profiles. Each person is valued less as there is always another person waiting to be clicked on. 

2. "Average looking" doesn't really mean anything. What some people would find average, there will be someone out there who is blown away and find to be the most attractive person they have ever seen. What some people would consider "hot" others will look at and wonder what the big deal is. Appearance is all subjective. 

3. The best way to attract someone is just being yourself. Be the person you want to be and do the things you want to do. Eventually someone will come along and you will find you are drawn to each other. Get to know them, be friends with them. Go with the flow of where things take you, and you'll end up somewhere very nice.

The rare person that has shared a mutual attraction with me hasn't come from apps or even from trying to attract them. We met randomly, found we got along, and we struck up a friendship. Attraction on both sides grew from there.

Key is to be ready to seize the opportunity when it presents itself.

[4everalone]

3 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

1. Dating apps can make things more difficult, regardless of gender or so called attractiveness. It turns things into a number games where people are bombarded with names, pictures, and profiles. Each person is valued less as there is always another person waiting to be clicked on. 

2. "Average looking" doesn't really mean anything. What some people would find average, there will be someone out there who is blown away and find to be the most attractive person they have ever seen. What some people would consider "hot" others will look at and wonder what the big deal is. Appearance is all subjective. 

3. The best way to attract someone is just being yourself. Be the person you want to be and do the things you want to do. Eventually someone will come along and you will find you are drawn to each other. Get to know them, be friends with them. Go with the flow of where things take you, and you'll end up somewhere very nice.

The rare person that has shared a mutual attraction with me hasn't come from apps or even from trying to attract them. We met randomly, found we got along, and we struck up a friendship. Attraction on both sides grew from there.

Key is to be ready to seize the opportunity when it presents itself.

I would say looks are subjective is a concept that is a bit limited in accuracy. yes looks are technically subjective but it seems like a guy who's 6 plus feet with a bit of muscle on him as a lot more options than a guy who's shorter or overweight and balding. I also feel like we would see a lot more model looking women walking around with guys like this. I also feel like less women who were overweight would have to make the first move. Like I'm part of a dating fb group and the guys who look like "chads" or models get wayyy more responses from conventionally attractive women or women in general. you're right to an extent that looks are subjective though. but it's not extremely subjective in my popular opinion. 

[Zaku-II]

Nope. But then, I've only ever used dating apps, so go figure. I literally have no idea how people manage to date outside of websites? The upside to the websites is you know who's married, single, looking, (or at least, claiming to be) etc. TV and movies make it look so easy of course, but it also makes it look easy for one guy to destroy multi national organizations or even countries, as well...

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, 4everalone said:

I would say looks are subjective is a concept that is a bit limited in accuracy. yes looks are technically subjective but it seems like a guy who's 6 plus feet with a bit of muscle on him as a lot more options than a guy who's shorter or overweight and balding. I also feel like we would see a lot more model looking women walking around with guys like this. I also feel like less women who were overweight would have to make the first move. Like I'm part of a dating fb group and the guys who look like "chads" or models get wayyy more responses from conventionally attractive women or women in general. you're right to an extent that looks are subjective though. but it's not extremely subjective in my popular opinion. 

More responses or options isn't necessarily a good thing. A lot of those are from people only interested in looks. And it says nothing about the connection these people would have. You can get a hundred responses and nothing ever works out. Or you can get one response and everything go smoothly. There are so many elements at play and it takes the right combination, the right people, and the right timing for it to work. 

Definitions of model like is also fluid, with many people liking curvy models (see Ashley Graham) or "thicc"
women. I'm under six feet, didn't stop multiple women from being interested in me. And I've seen overweight and balding guys (like my father lol) find someone. There is someone for everyone.

Looks are just one factor, and usually end up being one of the least important ones. All the internal qualities end up being the deciding factors on where things go. I've found myself drawn to people who wouldn't be called conventionally attractive, but their personality and soul made them, at least to me, to be beyond gorgeous.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, 4everalone said:

I would say looks are subjective is a concept that is a bit limited in accuracy. yes looks are technically subjective but it seems like a guy who's 6 plus feet with a bit of muscle on him as a lot more options than a guy who's shorter or overweight and balding. I also feel like we would see a lot more model looking women walking around with guys like this. I also feel like less women who were overweight would have to make the first move. Like I'm part of a dating fb group and the guys who look like "chads" or models get wayyy more responses from conventionally attractive women or women in general. you're right to an extent that looks are subjective though. but it's not extremely subjective in my popular opinion. 

LOL my husband is shorter and has put on some weight (we are 58, first met in our late 20s, married in our early 40s -we both were on dating apps and we did not meet that way).  I preferred shorter men, I sometimes find muscles attractive but since I was never into being very muscular myself -just healthy/fit/slim which I am and always have been - I didn't want any pressure from someone who worked out a lot to be that muscular.  I don't look like a model. 

Looks matter whether on a dating site or otherwise. For those who want arm candy they matter more in that trendy/objective sense.  Some people have very specific physical features/physical types and some do not. I did not but I wouldn't date a man with long hair, or tattoos or who had an effeminate sounding voice.  I might be platonic friends with a man who looked/presented that way.  I wanted arm candy far more in my teens/early 20s. So for me age made a difference.

Subjective/objective doesn't matter. It matters what the individual is looking for. I was looking for a husband and potential family and refused to settle.  So I used dating sites as one way.  I did look at the photo and ruled out those I wrote about above.  If I was repulsed by the photo for whatever reason including  a weird look on his face, or he was standing near a fancy car or he was with a group of hot women in the photo- I scrolled away.  When I was out and about including at bars, clubs, singles events, the gym, my high rise apartment buildings - looks mattered as well.  But again it's individual.  Seeing hot men on dating sites had little impact on me because I was looking for a husband so hot was fine but it didn't mean I'd click on hottie any faster  than non-hottie.  It depended on his profile, what he was looking for, if he knew basic grammar lol.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Zaku-II said:

Nope. But then, I've only ever used dating apps, so go figure. I literally have no idea how people manage to date outside of websites? The upside to the websites is you know who's married, single, looking, (or at least, claiming to be) etc. TV and movies make it look so easy of course, but it also makes it look easy for one guy to destroy multi national organizations or even countries, as well...

Ask your friends who they know. Volunteer - many singles volunteer backstage at community theaters, at food banks, etc. Take classes like dance classes.  Go to singles events.  Join a hiking club or a sport you like. For example.

[Andrina]

It's best not to put all your eggs in one basket. When I was single and looking for a partner, besides OLD, I tried Meetup.com groups for singles in my age group. I took dancing lessons. A few friends attempted to set me up with prospects. Volunteering in environmental clean ups, or at a zoo or museum are also great for meeting people. If you have female friends or relatives who could advise you on the best haircut and clothing that'll look best on you, I'd take advantage of that. Good luck.

[enigma32]

Yes, definitely. On the apps, ladies have all the options in the world so they aren't likely to settle for the average looking one. Get to know women in person and over time they may come to be interested in you.

[shouldhavelearned]

It's all chance and taking risks

[smackie9]

I met my husband through one of my social groups.

[catfeeder]

Either way is fine, but I would suggest that men who have trouble with initial attraction consider hiring a professional make-over stylist. Work with them for a few months. Address everything from hairstyle, skin care, hygiene and wardrobe to learn what, initially, may be turning women off, and how you CAN change that.

From there, your personality can win the day because you'll have overcome the unknown physical barriers that have been preventing that opportunity.

On the other hand, if your overall appearance HAS been attracting women, but you can't get beyond the first or second meet, consider hiring a dating coach to help with the way your interactions may be coming across.

[TeeDee]

14 hours ago, 4everalone said:

Do you guys find it easier to attract women you're attracted to outside of dating apps??

I did online dating once for 90 days over 15 years ago.  I hated it & thought it was demoralizing.  Everything I have read about it on forums like this indicates it hasn't changed. 

It can be a valid tool but it's only 1 tool.  Have a variety of ways to meet people at your disposal.  It's a law of large numbers.  

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, enigma32 said:

Yes, definitely. On the apps, ladies have all the options in the world so they aren't likely to settle for the average looking one. Get to know women in person and over time they may come to be interested in you.

Yes for those women who value objective hotties - they will see it as settling if they are with a man considered average by some objective measure.  Women are individuals. I never ever felt like I was settling based on a man's physical features - after my teenage years -I admit that!

Also option to do what? Depends on what you're looking for -a woman who wants a hottie and/or a woman looking for a casual hookup might focus more on looks if a hottie is more fun for her in bed.

[enigma32]

44 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes for those women who value objective hotties - they will see it as settling if they are with a man considered average by some objective measure.  Women are individuals. I never ever felt like I was settling based on a man's physical features - after my teenage years -I admit that!

Also option to do what? Depends on what you're looking for -a woman who wants a hottie and/or a woman looking for a casual hookup might focus more on looks if a hottie is more fun for her in bed.

I don't know your situation so this isn't directed towards you personally. With that said...

The OLD apps release statistics and I think anyone on those apps or considering them should look them over. The 80/20 rule is real. 80% of the women are only interested in the top 20% of men on the apps, give or take. The same apps show that women consider around 80% of men to be below average in looks. So your real average looking guy on the apps, he is basically invisible to women on there. He's gonna spend too much time sending out too many messages to women who will mostly ignore him.

I don't blame ladies. If you have 100 messages or even 20 in your inbox, how else are you supposed to decide which ones to prioritize? That's why they've become really picky. For your average guy though, the juice just isn't worth the squeeze.

Regular, average guys can have much more luck in person. Find places where you will run into women and frequent those places. It all depends on who you are as a person and what kind of woman you are looking for. Before I was married, I met plenty of women in college and some at the gym too. I recommend both places but again, everyone is different.

[Cherylyn]

I'm more old school.  Try meeting people in person through whatever interests you.  Put yourself out there whether it's enrolling in classes,  volunteering in your community,  charitable good works,  church if you're faith based,  sports,  hobbies,  intellectual pursuits,  career related and the like. 

Contact local friends and family if they're close by.  They know people.  Those people know people.  They can vouch for you.  They've done their homework for you regarding whom they know in their sphere. 

A good way to start is entertaining and having group gatherings in your home.  Perhaps organize a potluck.  This gets socializing started and one conversation leads to another.  Don't be shy about letting others know that you're interested in dating someone.  They'll strike up a conversation and tell you they know someone.  You need to take action because if everyone waited for everyone else to make the first move,  nothing would happen. 

Work on yourself whether it's your job,  health,  fitness,  grooming and wardrobe.  Nothing is more attractive than high self esteem,  strong financial independence and self confidence.

[4everalone]

13 hours ago, ShySoul said:

More responses or options isn't necessarily a good thing. A lot of those are from people only interested in looks. And it says nothing about the connection these people would have. You can get a hundred responses and nothing ever works out. Or you can get one response and everything go smoothly. There are so many elements at play and it takes the right combination, the right people, and the right timing for it to work. 

Definitions of model like is also fluid, with many people liking curvy models (see Ashley Graham) or "thicc"
women. I'm under six feet, didn't stop multiple women from being interested in me. And I've seen overweight and balding guys (like my father lol) find someone. There is someone for everyone.

Looks are just one factor, and usually end up being one of the least important ones. All the internal qualities end up being the deciding factors on where things go. I've found myself drawn to people who wouldn't be called conventionally attractive, but their personality and soul made them, at least to me, to be beyond gorgeous.

I guess a plus side to this is that it's at least easier if you're looking for sex and I would rather be having that than nothing although I feel like I also DO value a connection of some sort but I'm not sure how serious. in terms of relationships I agree that those with pretty privilege still struggle to MAINTAIN relationships: good looking women get cheated on etc. I'm still a firm believer that a lot of times looks are still what get you through the door. of course it's not the only important thing.

[4everalone]

I think the fact that I'm 32 and living in parents is my biggest insecurity. 

[ShySoul]

7 minutes ago, 4everalone said:

I think the fact that I'm 32 and living in parents is my biggest insecurity. 

What are the circumstances?

A lot of people are living at home later and later these days. High cost of living, unexpected circumstances that derail plans, using it save money will you plan for the future, physical or mental health concerns... there can be valid reason to be at home at any age.

I have two older brothers who seemed to switch off when one would be staying at home with me and our parents. They did this all throughout there 20's and I believe into their early 30s. It wasn't a bad reflection on them. It was just a temporary thing until they could get back on their feet.

Don't feel bad about it. Focus on taking steps to get yourself where you want to be.

17 minutes ago, 4everalone said:

I guess a plus side to this is that it's at least easier if you're looking for sex and I would rather be having that than nothing although I feel like I also DO value a connection of some sort but I'm not sure how serious.

Sure, if all you want is sex, then most people probably would go for sterotypes because that is what has been burned into our brain that we should want. But even then it varies. Some like the buxom blond bombshell, some the cute girl next door. What gets us going varies wildly from person to person.

Based on this and your other thread, you're placing too much importance on appearance as a way to cope with your own insecurities. You believe if you looked a certain way that it will fix your problems and help you find what you are looking for. There is no guarantee of that. You can't control what other people think of you or when you find someone. What you can control is believing in yourself and doing things you enjoy for the sake of increasing your own happiness. 

[OlderForYoung]

Yes. When it's online, it's more superficial as women can just swipe one guy to the next one. In face to face you have more chances to show yourself and also you can see better if the girl is for you. Spending time with a woman can also cause her to like you eventually. Online, you have little change to show your personality. 

 

The benefits of online dating is you can find people with same interests easier. I found this to be more difficult in real life. 

[Zaku-II]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Ask your friends who they know. Volunteer - many singles volunteer backstage at community theaters, at food banks, etc. Take classes like dance classes.  Go to singles events.  Join a hiking club or a sport you like. For example.

Sounds like sound advice. In my particular case, I don't have any friends, though. Not sure I understand how volunteering would help, either. The idea of Dancing horrifies me beyond words. Been to a few singles events but had nothing to say to anyone and no one tried to say anything to me. I hate sports, except solitary ones like walking, weight lifting, auto racing. (Not against others, just driving a car very fast)

I like online because everyone there was SUPPOSED to be looking for a relationship, but it's rarely the case. Or maybe they just don't like me after meeting and claim they're not looking for anything serious when they just don't like me. My biggest issue is I'm a massive introvert. I feel like I'm suffocating whenever I have to be around others. I'm not sure how to build up a 'resistance' because the opposite seems to be happening. My tolerance is decreasing because I keep having poor/bad interactions with literally everyone. In theory I believe some good interactions might help build confidence, but I'm at a loss for how to make those happen.

[4everalone]

still seeing the same pattern. women who I think are beautiful with guys who are taller or more built than me with a full head of hair(unless they're bald) each time I click a beautiful women's profile and look at her boyfriend it's the same every time. 

[4everalone]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

What are the circumstances?

A lot of people are living at home later and later these days. High cost of living, unexpected circumstances that derail plans, using it save money will you plan for the future, physical or mental health concerns... there can be valid reason to be at home at any age.

I have two older brothers who seemed to switch off when one would be staying at home with me and our parents. They did this all throughout there 20's and I believe into their early 30s. It wasn't a bad reflection on them. It was just a temporary thing until they could get back on their feet.

Don't feel bad about it. Focus on taking steps to get yourself where you want to be.

Sure, if all you want is sex, then most people probably would go for sterotypes because that is what has been burned into our brain that we should want. But even then it varies. Some like the buxom blond bombshell, some the cute girl next door. What gets us going varies wildly from person to person.

Based on this and your other thread, you're placing too much importance on appearance as a way to cope with your own insecurities. You believe if you looked a certain way that it will fix your problems and help you find what you are looking for. There is no guarantee of that. You can't control what other people think of you or when you find someone. What you can control is believing in yourself and doing things you enjoy for the sake of increasing your own happiness. 

I just had a hard time figuring out what to do with my life. I have a bachelor's degree that I never pursued and bounced around from different entry level jobs and have no experience for anything that pays well. I'm taking some grad school courses now which will hopefully expand my opportunities. I also have 3 or more mental health disorders which have ruined my quality of life although I'm in therapy.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, enigma32 said:

I don't know your situation so this isn't directed towards you personally. With that said...

The OLD apps release statistics and I think anyone on those apps or considering them should look them over. The 80/20 rule is real. 80% of the women are only interested in the top 20% of men on the apps, give or take. The same apps show that women consider around 80% of men to be below average in looks. So your real average looking guy on the apps, he is basically invisible to women on there. He's gonna spend too much time sending out too many messages to women who will mostly ignore him.

I don't blame ladies. If you have 100 messages or even 20 in your inbox, how else are you supposed to decide which ones to prioritize? That's why they've become really picky. For your average guy though, the juice just isn't worth the squeeze.

Regular, average guys can have much more luck in person. Find places where you will run into women and frequent those places. It all depends on who you are as a person and what kind of woman you are looking for. Before I was married, I met plenty of women in college and some at the gym too. I recommend both places but again, everyone is different.

I found it easy just as with going to crowded events - I was looking for the right person to marry so I prioritized those men who I had stuff in common with and where I liked their photos and what they wrote.  I didn't prioritize based on objective standards of looks.  By contrast I have a single female friend in her 60s who is a single mom.  She doesn't want to marry again.  She now want to prioritize meeting a hot looking man in her age range to date and have some romance with.  

If I would have paid close attention to statistics I never would have kept trying to meet the right person in my late 30s let alone try to conceive in my early 40s.  I'm a married mom and married at 42.  We both had online profiles at various points in time. We originally met at work.  I was seriously involved with men objectively better looking than he is.  But I didn't look for "best looking" by some objective standard and neither did many of my female and male friends who were serious minded. 

Online dating like bars and clubs felt temporarily like a candy store.  But for serious minded people like me that quickly faded and my goal  of meeting the right person to marry was top priority. I met over 100 men in person through dating sites.  I also was engaged in my 20s to a man I met through a personal ad in the 1980s.  Several of my friends met their partners and spouses through dating sites.  They range in looks.