Disappointed by My Sister's Selfish Attitude Towards Our Father's Health

[yogacat]

So my sister had the sheriffs department called on her for playing music too loud and a few other things which I rather not get into but at this point I am afraid for her life. She has said a few times that she wants to "off herself" and she does have a history of depression and other mental health issues. I am really worried about her and I don't know what to do or how to help her.

Her kids want nothing to do with her which breaks my sister's heart and a few of her close friends have also distanced themselves from her because of her behavior. I am thinking of contacting her daughter to help her but I don't know how she would react. I am just so scared that my sister might actually harm herself and I don't want to lose her.
 

[ShySoul]

As someone who has been depressed and had those thoughts, I'll say I didn't really want to go through with them. I said things because I needed someone to hear me, to be there. Though you can never really be sure, so it's something to take seriously.

Also had police involved in family drama. Was not fun.

Best thing to do, and what I wish I would have had, is to love her. If you can find time just to talk to her regularly and check in, it shows you care. It's something for her to hold onto. If you can talk to her daughter and get her to talk as well, it would be great. But remember you can only control your actions. The children have to be willing to reach out on their own. And your sister has to work through her own problems and find her own motivations to keep living.

I know you have your issues with her. Don't push it if you find yourself not able to make the time or if it's too stressful being around her. But start small - a quick call, text, email. The little things mean the most. 

Hope your relationship can improve. And hope she is able to get better. I'll be thinking of ya.

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, yogacat said:

Her kids want nothing to do with her which breaks my sister's heart and a few of her close friends have also distanced themselves from her because of her behavior. I am thinking of contacting her daughter to help her but I don't know how she would react. I am just so scared that my sister might actually harm herself and I don't want to lose her.

Wow, this took a turn from bad to worst really fast.

How old are the kids? Can her family hospitalize her for such behavior? She might just be overreacting to cause attention, from your stories she might be prone to that. But it never hurts to be cautious especially if she threatens to harm herself. So it might be a good idea to contact her kids and find some solution.

[Batya33]

Yes, I would contact those who can keep an eye on her. I agree. I'm sorry this is happening!

[Seraphim]

Please please please reach out to her loved ones. She is crying out for help. 

[yogacat]

19 hours ago, ShySoul said:

As someone who has been depressed and had those thoughts, I'll say I didn't really want to go through with them. I said things because I needed someone to hear me, to be there. Though you can never really be sure, so it's something to take seriously.

Also had police involved in family drama. Was not fun.

Best thing to do, and what I wish I would have had, is to love her. If you can find time just to talk to her regularly and check in, it shows you care. It's something for her to hold onto. If you can talk to her daughter and get her to talk as well, it would be great. But remember you can only control your actions. The children have to be willing to reach out on their own. And your sister has to work through her own problems and find her own motivations to keep living.

I know you have your issues with her. Don't push it if you find yourself not able to make the time or if it's too stressful being around her. But start small - a quick call, text, email. The little things mean the most. 

Hope your relationship can improve. And hope she is able to get better. I'll be thinking of ya.

Thank you (((Shy))). It's hard because I feel she is crying out for help but I am at such a loss of how to help her because sometimes she won't reply to me at all. I know how much it pains her to not have her daughters in her life and I feel her oldest daughter (who is 21 years old) could maybe be the bigger person and reach out to her mother.

12 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Wow, this took a turn from bad to worst really fast.

How old are the kids? Can her family hospitalize her for such behavior? She might just be overreacting to cause attention, from your stories she might be prone to that. But it never hurts to be cautious especially if she threatens to harm herself. So it might be a good idea to contact her kids and find some solution.

One is 21 and the other is 18. I was thinking of contacting her 21 year old daughter but I am afraid I am going to make the situation worse. Like, is it my place to get involved? I know though that if her daughter reached out to her it would make a world of difference to my sister.

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes, I would contact those who can keep an eye on her. I agree. I'm sorry this is happening!

Thank you!

12 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Please please please reach out to her loved ones. She is crying out for help. 

I agree. I talked with my mom the other night about it and she told me to stay out of it, that my sister and my niece would be pissed off if I intervened but I just want to make sure my sister is safe.

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Thank you (((Shy))). It's hard because I feel she is crying out for help but I am at such a loss of how to help her because sometimes she won't reply to me at all. I know how much it pains her to not have her daughters in her life and I feel her oldest daughter (who is 21 years old) could maybe be the bigger person and reach out to her mother.

One is 21 and the other is 18. I was thinking of contacting her 21 year old daughter but I am afraid I am going to make the situation worse. Like, is it my place to get involved? I know though that if her daughter reached out to her it would make a world of difference to my sister.

Thank you!

I agree. I talked with my mom the other night about it and she told me to stay out of it, that my sister and my niece would be pissed off if I intervened but I just want to make sure my sister is safe.

My husband was suicidal twice in 9 months last year . He was hospitalized. I am so so so glad he reached out to me for help. He has been hospitalized 3 times for suicidal ideation. It is nothing to fool with. 

[yogacat]

54 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

My husband was suicidal twice in 9 months last year . He was hospitalized. I am so so so glad he reached out to me for help. He has been hospitalized 3 times for suicidal ideation. It is nothing to fool with. 

Thanks Seraphim. I'm glad your husband got the help that he so desperately needed. I bit the bullet and called my niece, we had a lovely heart to heart and she is going to reach out to her mother. Not to help her necessarily, because there are certain things my sister does that aren't healthy for my niece but to at least reach out to her mother to tell her she loves her and is thinking about her.

[Seraphim]

12 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Thanks Seraphim. I'm glad your husband got the help that he so desperately needed. I bit the bullet and called my niece, we had a lovely heart to heart and she is going to reach out to her mother. Not to help her necessarily, because there are certain things my sister does that aren't healthy for my niece but to at least reach out to her mother to tell her she loves her and is thinking about her.

That is so wonderful of you and her ❤️Just knowing that someone cares means the world . 
 

I will pray for your sister .
 

My husband and my dad suffered a lot from suicidal ideation. My dad went to the hospital no less than 200 times for that issue . I feel so bad for people who struggle this way. I have as well though not in almost a decade . Not since my EMDR therapy .  

[yogacat]

44 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

That is so wonderful of you and her ❤️Just knowing that someone cares means the world . 
 

I will pray for your sister .
 

My husband and my dad suffered a lot from suicidal ideation. My dad went to the hospital no less than 200 times for that issue . I feel so bad for people who struggle this way. I have as well though not in almost a decade . Not since my EMDR therapy .  

That's very kind of you. ❤️

I hate to air my sisters laundry but I have been at such a loss for the past few years trying to figure out how to handle it all. She is Bipolar and used to take medication for it and during that time she was such a good mother and wife and took care of her mental health. Now, it's like she is so anti-western medicine and anti-medication that she refuses to take anything at all or see a doctor. It's been a constant struggle and heartache for our family. She keeps making all these risky decisions and puts herself in danger and then won't speak to anyone for days or weeks at a time. It's just so hard to watch her go through this cycle over and over again.

By no means am I️️ saying I'm not without my ️own issues. I've got them for sure️️️️.️ My father I can tell is having a hard ️️️️️time and he gets weepy eyed ️️️️️a lot. I said to him Dad, your daughter is going to be okay -- this family is coming together and we are️ here for her. Anyway, thank you for your prayers and kind words. I believe they will help more than you know.

I'm so glad that you ️️️️️have found healing through EMDR, I have heard great things about it and how it can be so effective in treating trauma. You are a strong and resilient person and I'm glad that you have been able to overcome your struggles.

[SirJumpy]

Sorry your family is going through this.

Suicidal thoughts are scary. You may not even realize you need help because you are so lost in the pain and hopelessness.

You can get through it together. Hoping for the best.

[catfeeder]

(((Yogacat))) my heart goes out to you, your sister, and your family.

So happy to hear that you connected with your niece, and especially that she's willing to reach out to her mother. In the wake of that, your sister may be more inclined to be open and receptive to hearing more from you. I'm just so sorry that you're bearing this weight and worry.

One of the most helpful things my sister has done for me if I'm in a downward spiral is to rip off her mask and lay her own fallibilities and insecurities on the table. She makes fun of herself while contrasting that with all the things she admires about me, values in me, and how she wishes that I could be less hard on myself so that I could enjoy imperfection as an acceptable way to live along with her--as a team, on the same side.

None of this means that you'd need to accept or conform to your sister's self-centered suggestions or demands going forward. There's a difference between joining forces against a common enemy--suicide--versus allowing such events to manipulate you into living your own future in ways that are not acceptable to you. But you can side with a person emotionally without altering your values and behaviors in unacceptable ways. It's a balance, but it's one you can afford to lean into on the side of generosity at this time.

Keep on writing if it helps, and please know that we care. (((YC)))

 

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, yogacat said:

Thank you (((Shy))). It's hard because I feel she is crying out for help but I am at such a loss of how to help her because sometimes she won't reply to me at all. I know how much it pains her to not have her daughters in her life

People are funny creatures. At the same time they are reaching out for help, they can also be pushing people away. Done it myself. At a certain point it just becomes easier to shut yourself off and let yourself live in the hurt. You figure nothings going to change. You say you don't want to get others involved or bring them down. You convince yourself they don't really want to help. There are lots of things that can go through your head. But deep down, you want them to reach out. The hard part is being ready to accept it if they do.

4 hours ago, yogacat said:

bit the bullet and called my niece, we had a lovely heart to heart and she is going to reach out to her mother. Not to help her necessarily, because there are certain things my sister does that aren't healthy for my niece but to at least reach out to her mother to tell her she loves her and is thinking about her.

Great to hear. You got the ball rolling and should feel good about that. Everyone has there own piece in this, it's up to them to do their part. You're doing yours. 

I grew up with constant family drama and conflicts. I've watched so much self desructive behavior. And I was always the one trying to get them to come together. At some point I had to come to terms with being there when they were ready and seeing I could only do so much. I never hesitate to offer help or make the first move. I just know they have to be in the right place to receive it. 

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

My father I can tell is having a hard ️️️️️time and he gets weepy eyed ️️️️️a lot. I said to him Dad, your daughter is going to be okay -- this family is coming together and we are️ here for her.

You're a good daughter. You're a good sister. You're a good aunt. Hell, you're just a good person. The family is lucky to have you.

We're here for you anytime you need some support. Hang in there (((yogacat))).

 

[Kwothe28]

12 hours ago, yogacat said:

One is 21 and the other is 18. I was thinking of contacting her 21 year old daughter but I am afraid I am going to make the situation worse. Like, is it my place to get involved? I know though that if her daughter reached out to her it would make a world of difference to my sister.

Well, you are her family so yes, it is your place to get involved. If her daughters and husband gave away from her, its you who are the closest kin. So she will fall on you to take care of her. So it does concerns you as well. 

I dunno how western etiquette is. But here we are more family oriented. And dont think you can just stand passive when things have become this serious. This is not just some petty family feud between them, its something way serious if she threatens to kill herself.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Well, you are her family so yes, it is your place to get involved. If her daughters and husband gave away from her, its you who are the closest kin. So she will fall on you to take care of her. So it does concerns you as well. 

I dunno how western etiquette is. But here we are more family oriented. And dont think you can just stand passive when things have become this serious. This is not just some petty family feud between them, its something way serious if she threatens to kill herself.

This^^ and the fact your own mother is discouraging you from "intervening" is shocking imo. 

Please do the right thing which I trust you will.  She needs you and speaking from experience if something bad were to happen and you didn't do all you could, you will have to live with that for the rest of your life. 

All the best to you, your troubled sister and everyone in your family. 

Stay close. 

[yogacat]

12 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Well, you are her family so yes, it is your place to get involved. If her daughters and husband gave away from her, its you who are the closest kin. So she will fall on you to take care of her. So it does concerns you as well. 

I dunno how western etiquette is. But here we are more family oriented. And dont think you can just stand passive when things have become this serious. This is not just some petty family feud between them, its something way serious if she threatens to kill herself.

Thanks @Kwothe28. I agree, that's why I felt I had to intervene and not worry about whether or not my sister would be angry or my mother that I contacted her daughter. If they're angry with me, so be it, but I can't sit by Idly. Her daughter reached out to her and my sister responded in kind seemingly really appreciative so hopefully that will make things a little better for now. 

Fingers crossed. ☝️

[yogacat]

My sister responded rather coldly to me. Eh, that's fine. I recall when I was in the hospital because I had drowned to the point where they weren't sure I was going to make it, she couldn't be bothered to visit. 

It's safe to say that our relationship has always been strained. We were never quite close growing up and as adults, we barely speak. It hurts sometimes because she's my big sibling and I wish we could have a stronger relationship. But it's hard when she's so cold and distant.

I try to understand her perspective and why she may be this way. I experienced a lot of trauma growing up that she didn't, so I think part of her feels like I was the golden child and she was overlooked. But that's not true. Our parents loved us both equally, we just had different personalities and experiences. Maybe she felt overlooked because I was the one always needing extra attention due to my health issues and emotional struggles.

I don't know. All I know is that I've always wanted a closer relationship with her. But I've also learned to accept that it may never happen and that's okay. I have other family members and friends who love and support me and that's what really matters.

At the end of the day, I just hope my sister finds peace and happiness in her life. And if someday our relationship does improve, I'll be open to it. 

I hope her relationship with her daughters improve, I know how much it hurts her to not have a close bond with them. I'm glad that my niece reached out to her and I hope they can work on rebuilding their relationship. Family is important and I truly believe that it's never too late to try and repair broken relationships.

Maybe that's wishful thinking, I don't know at this point....

[Batya33]

This all sounds so hard. I'm sorry and you are dealing with it as best you can.  

[ShySoul]

On 12/14/2024 at 9:08 AM, yogacat said:

Maybe that's wishful thinking, I don't know at this point....

If no one wished for a better tomorrow, nothing would ever change or improve.

Sometimes you just have to have faith and believe things will get better eventually. You do what you can and let things take it's natural course. I struggled with my father in particular for years. And even though it was never what I wanted, I was able to have love the relationship we did have.

Sorry you're dealing with all this. You've done the best you can. You've tried to reach out. It's up to her to accept it. Even if she never does, you've been a good sister for her and I'm sure some part of her realizes that. 

Sorry for all you've been through. That you still have hope and want things to improve is the sign of a strong and remarkable person. I hope things can work out and the whole family will come together eventually.

 

[yogacat]

9 hours ago, ShySoul said:

If no one wished for a better tomorrow, nothing would ever change or improve.

Sometimes you just have to have faith and believe things will get better eventually. You do what you can and let things take it's natural course. I struggled with my father in particular for years. And even though it was never what I wanted, I was able to have love the relationship we did have.

Sorry you're dealing with all this. You've done the best you can. You've tried to reach out. It's up to her to accept it. Even if she never does, you've been a good sister for her and I'm sure some part of her realizes that. 

Sorry for all you've been through. That you still have hope and want things to improve is the sign of a strong and remarkable person. I hope things can work out and the whole family will come together eventually.

 

❤️

[Kwothe28]

On 12/14/2024 at 6:08 PM, yogacat said:

I try to understand her perspective and why she may be this way.

Have you ever thought your sister is a narcissist? Lots of your stories about her, her lack of empathy, her just being concerned about her social life and such, her not caring for family in general, her wanting to be super successful, her vanity, her wanting everything just like she envisioned, reminds me on narcissism. For example my father has same complex. When he stops by, he pesters me about some arch that I have between my living room and dining room. How because its winter I should put the blanket on arch so I wouldnt need to heat dining room too, how(since I want to redecorate home in spring) I should put the door there(the door was already there until 90s, my folks made an arch and its nice) etc. Because he envisioned that I shouldnt have an arch there so I need to do that. Dont let me even start about delusions of grandeur he has lol. Anyway, not the theme. But because of the person that I came to this Forum I started to look into narcissism personality disorder. Once you read more about it, its very easy to recognize when you encounter it next time. I was at some guests today. Anyway, my family friends boyfriend is also classic example. He works in some distillery. But he talks about the process of making "rakija" like he knows beter than some PhD who is probably the leading expert in my country for that. "Huffing his own smoke" and stuff like that. 

Anyway, your sister, also seem to me like classic example of that. Ofcourse she is maybe just extremely selfish person. But lots of her behavior, including that hospital story of yours, is just classic narcissism. 

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Have you ever thought your sister is a narcissist? Lots of your stories about her, her lack of empathy, her just being concerned about her social life and such, her not caring for family in general, her wanting to be super successful, her vanity, her wanting everything just like she envisioned, reminds me on narcissism. For example my father has same complex. When he stops by, he pesters me about some arch that I have between my living room and dining room. How because its winter I should put the blanket on arch so I wouldnt need to heat dining room too, how(since I want to redecorate home in spring) I should put the door there(the door was already there until 90s, my folks made an arch and its nice) etc. Because he envisioned that I shouldnt have an arch there so I need to do that. Dont let me even start about delusions of grandeur he has lol. Anyway, not the theme. But because of the person that I came to this Forum I started to look into narcissism personality disorder. Once you read more about it, its very easy to recognize when you encounter it next time. I was at some guests today. Anyway, my family friends boyfriend is also classic example. He works in some distillery. But he talks about the process of making "rakija" like he knows beter than some PhD who is probably the leading expert in my country for that. "Huffing his own smoke" and stuff like that. 

Anyway, your sister, also seem to me like classic example of that. Ofcourse she is maybe just extremely selfish person. But lots of her behavior, including that hospital story of yours, is just classic narcissism. 

It's interesting that you mentioned that because her daughters psychologist said that is what she thought. Of course, can't say for sure but a lot of her actions certainly point to it. One time, we were talking and she said she doesn't have time to take care of our parents because that's not where her talents are best served, they are best served making money and that she is the most important person out of the siblings so we (siblings) should work around that timeline. That, to me, was a blatant red flag and likely a narcissistic trait. She was diagnosed with ADHD and Bipolar and I know with Bipolar a lot of the those suffering can have grandiose ideas and desires so it could all be just a part of that. 

Sounds like your father might have some traits, it's probably why the relationship beyond simply a father/ son relationship was probably so difficult.

One minute my sister is going to be a writer and write her own book, the next she's going to be the next bachelorette, I mean, I can't keep up with the proclamations. I really don't think she'll ever stop until she finds something that fits into her ideal of the way life should be. 

Of course, I can't diagnose anyone and I can't really say for sure about anyone's situation but it's easy for those that haven't experienced this to just simply say, oh that person's just selfish, but the magnitude and relentlessness of these actions make you really start to question things. Also, with the current shift to social media, narcissism is even more apparent in those seeking attention. Sadly, I just don't think it is ever going to change.

[Seraphim]

My father was bipolar from a teenager and had borderline personality disorder and was possibly a narcissist. It was a nightmare combination. Unfortunately, the symptoms of bipolar get worse with age . 

[yogacat]

12 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

My father was bipolar from a teenager and had borderline personality disorder and was possibly a narcissist. It was a nightmare combination. Unfortunately, the symptoms of bipolar get worse with age . 

Thanks Seraphim. My sister was on medication most of her life and she was fine, it was only until she got off her medication that things started to spiral. She doesn't currently take medication for her bipolar and I truly believe that is why we are seeing the differences in her behavior. I've asked her twice to take my father for a week to give him a change of scenery and she then turned it on him saying, well, he never calls me. I'm like, he had a freaking stroke!

[Seraphim]

17 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Thanks Seraphim. My sister was on medication most of her life and she was fine, it was only until she got off her medication that things started to spiral. She doesn't currently take medication for her bipolar and I truly believe that is why we are seeing the differences in her behavior. I've asked her twice to take my father for a week to give him a change of scenery and she then turned it on him saying, well, he never calls me. I'm like, he had a freaking stroke!

My dad was only med compliant occasionally. It is very very very common for them to go off medication continuously unfortunately.