Disappointed by My Sister's Selfish Attitude Towards Our Father's Health

[yogacat]

I am very upset with my sister. I asked her if she would come to my house for Thanksgiving to spend time with our father who is recovering from a stroke and to take my father back with her for a week so he can spend time with her.

Instead of responding with compassion and concern for our father's health, my sister responded selfishly and said that she doesn't want to come because it's "bad energy for her." My sister showed no empathy or willingness to help out with our father's recovery and made it clear that she only cares about her own comfort and convenience.

All she every talks about is how we need to be here for family but there are a few things she has done that makes me think otherwise:

1.) My mother needed help and while my sister was married, put it on me to help out our mother. I would drive my mother to doctor's appointments, run errands for her, and take care of her when she was sick. Meanwhile, my sister barely lifted a finger to help because she had to put her marriage first. In the end, my sister ruined her marriage and her children no longer want anything to do with her.

2.) When my father had his stroke, my sister said she can't help because she needs to focus on herself and make money and have a successful career. 

She spends most of her days getting her hair done, nails done, botox, Tesla she doesn't need, a closet the size of a small condo, working out twice a day, etc. instead of helping family.

I am disappointed and hurt by my sister's selfish attitude towards our family. Family is supposed to come first, especially during difficult times like this. But my sister has consistently put her own desires and comfort above the needs of our family, and it's not okay.

I understand that everyone has their own priorities and responsibilities, but when it comes to the well-being and recovery of our father, I would have expected my sister to put that above everything else. Her lack of empathy and care towards our father's health is unacceptable and it makes me question her true values and character.

I am just saddened that my sister chooses to prioritize material possessions and her own well-being over the well-being of our own father.

[shouldhavelearned]

You can be that and and make other things.

Sounds like you need to have a serious conversation with your sister as to why she feels this way.

[ShySoul]

This isn't the first time you've expressed frustration with your sister. You are right, family should come first. She should be able to prioitize the health of her father above whatever else she has to do. It's not fair that you have to consistantly take on extra burdens while she gets to pamper herself with Botox. You have every right to be upset with her.

Unfortunately what I've learned the hard way is that family isn't always there. They are going to have their own value system, sense of priority, and issues that may prevent them from being the kind of person we want or need them to be. We can try to talk sense into them, but any change requires them actively wanting to do things differently. And it often takes something major happening that negatively affects them before they see the need for that change.

The problem with being the white sheep in the family is that the more you do, the more things fall naturally onto you. People think you have it covered, so may not see you need help. They can allow themselves to think selfishly and focus on themselves. Which leaves a good person like you stuck. You do all you can because that's what comes natural. You don't know how to be any other way. But you feel hurt that others won't do more.

If it is really bugging you, have it out with your sister. Get her to see that both you and your father need her. If anything, confronting her about it might be good for you, a way to let these feelings out.

Also try to focus on your relationship with your father instead of the relationship with her. She is going to do what she pleases, it's not worth upsetting yourself over. You are being the good daughter and your father appreciates it I'm sure. She's the one missing out. Meanwhile, you can grow a stronger bond with your father.

And if her own children don't want to speak to her, that says something about her. It's not just you feeling this way. It really is her and the person she chooses to me that is the problem. You can't change her choices in life, you can only do the best you can with yours.

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, yogacat said:

All she every talks about is how we need to be here for family

Performative virtue signalling. Willing to talk about values but having no empathy nore will to actually enforce those values in their life.

Anyway, when people disappoint us from time to time, that means that we cant really count on them. Sure, she is a family so its hard to just cut her off. But at least accept that this is how she is and that you cant count on her for anything regarding you or your parents. And that you need to rally on yourself no matter how hard it would get. Because, as you can see, you will get no help from her. And once you realize that, you will be less disappointed. Because you will not expect anything from her, therefore there is nothing to be disappointed about it.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Performative virtue signalling. Willing to talk about values but having no empathy nore will to actually enforce those values in their life.

Anyway, when people disappoint us from time to time, that means that we cant really count on them. Sure, she is a family so its hard to just cut her off. But at least accept that this is how she is and that you cant count on her for anything regarding you or your parents. And that you need to rally on yourself no matter how hard it would get. Because, as you can see, you will get no help from her. And once you realize that, you will be less disappointed. Because you will not expect anything from her, therefore there is nothing to be disappointed about it.

Would she be willing to give financial help so  you can hire someone or more someones to help either with caring for your father or alleviate your household responsibilities like a cleaning person? My inlaws had the loveliest aide for years and she was a godsend when we lived 800 miles away.

Also even if she says "yes" it will be begrudgingly and most likely you'll be bombarded with whiny and complaining texts.

[TeeDee]

tell her that her "bad energy" is because she's selfish.  Explain you need help & tell her exactly what you want her to.  

Assume she's not going to do a thing to help.  Accept that because all you will do is make yourself more miserable trying to force her to be a better human.  Work around her & basically cut ties. 

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you, YC. You seem to do so well until you attempt dealings with your sister. Those never work, even after she fakes you out for a while by talking a good game. She's not going to change.

I'd avoid arguments, speak with a family attorney and learn whether there are financial ways you and your Dad can equalize his estate to reflect the contributions from you and your brother as opposed to the lack from your sister. Otherwise, I'd just write help from sister off--she's never going to budge.

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry @yogacat.  Your sister won't change for you.  She is set in her ways.  All you can do is keep the peace.  Be civil but enforce your healthy boundaries with her. 

In the meantime,  you can live with yourself knowing you're a very moral person by doing the right thing.  You are devoted and you can look yourself in the mirror with a clear conscience. 

I'll chime in with contacting your attorney to settle your father's estate with a living trust,  figure out who is executor of the will and those types of legal matters. 

Someday,  when your sister is old,  her negligence and abandonment will come back to haunt her.  What goes around comes around. 

[yogacat]

Thanks everyone.

She invited us to all come down to hers and that she can't leave hers because she needs to "focus" but I told her that is not possible with my new job. She works remote, I do not. I just disliked her comment about bad energy when it comes to my father.

There is SO much I could get into with her but 1.) she plays gaslighting games 2.) When I brought up her lack of help with our mother, she dismissively said that she had to put her marriage first when in the end, she was the demise of their relationship. It was clear that her own desires and hobbies were more important to her than helping our mother who needed it.

It's frustrating to see my sister prioritize material possessions, her own well-being, and her own desires over the needs of our family. It's even more hurtful that she doesn't seem to care about our father's recovery and would rather avoid "bad energy" than spend time with him and support him.

My Dad has allocated funds for when he passes, I am not concerned about that...And it's not that I need a break per see, it's that she hasn't seen him in six months and she has such a selfish response when I asked if she could come visit even just for Thanksgiving.

It's just a lack of empathy and that she rather spend time posting provocative photos on her social media and taking lavish vacations than take care of her own father.

Anyway, thanks for letting me rant.

[Cherylyn]

You'll have to treat your sister as if she doesn't exist because the more you dwell on her,  the more consumed with frustration and anger you'll feel which isn't good for you @yogacat.  Since she's a narcissist,  you need to be dismissive and treat her as if she doesn't matter.  Don't take her seriously.  Place her out of the equation. 

I too have some local siblings,  relatives and in-laws who don't put forth the same energy,  effort,  labor and resources the way I had invested in them and everything that revolves around them.  I no longer prioritize them in my life and in fact,  they're at the bottom of my list. 

I've arrived at the conclusion that I can't change nor control others according to my will.  They won't change to my favor.  They won't be decent,  reciprocal,  respectful nor kind.  Therefore,  I've changed my dynamics with them by keeping a safe distance,  remain civil at best,  no more,  no less.  It's a real game changer.

People won't pay attention to whatever you say and write.  However,  they'll suddenly pay attention to your actions and non-actions.  When you no longer care about them,  they'll definitely take notice and they do not like it.  🫢 

Often times,  the best action is non-action.  Simply do nothing.  It requires the least amount of time and effort on your part while the other person spins in circles as they wear themselves out.  Long ago,  my late father taught me that if you want to "win,"  let your opponent expend every ounce of their energy for their downfall instead of yours.  It works every time.  😉

[TeeDee]

@yogacat

 

Rant away.  

In the end I hope you get peace knowing you were the good child.  

[yogacat]

Thanks!

Today she left me a voicemail crying saying she has to focus on herself and that's why she can't come to visit our father for Thanksgiving. I just replied, "we'll talk about it later."

She's also upset how some other family members have treated our brother. She initially invited him to hers because she had a "woman" she wanted him to meet but then she shuttled him off across country to stay with my Aunt when he arrived at hers to apparently help my aunt who is 90.

Everyone pretty much shunned him and my sister did the exact same thing not too long ago to him so I guess she's feeling guilty.

My family is such a hot mess. 🥴

No clue what this has to do with her coming out and spending time with our father for Thanksgiving, she offered to pay for a van for all of us to come to hers but I can't because of work. There seems to be so much drama when she is involved and she makes all these moves from her ivory tower and then chaos ensues.

 

[Cherylyn]

In the future,  instead of "we'll talk about it later,"  next time,  text this:  "ok."  Just like that.  It's unnecessary to talk about it later because it will get you nowhere.

Many families have someone or more people who are a pain in the bleep.  😠  It is very common.

Go your own way.  It's all you can do.  It is what I do and it's called enforcing healthy boundaries.

Most people want the idyllic "Norman Rockwell" Thanksgiving where every family member is compatible while the host is about to carve a glistening roast turkey at the table.  🦃  Well,  not everyone is lucky to have that scene.  ☹️ 

Due to verbal and text offenses,  zero remorse and no apologies to be had,  we've been disbanded from local holiday gatherings despite their invitations.  (Just like you,  sister here.)  Why?  Because character matters.  Being treated with obnoxious disrespect is NOT a foible.  Therefore,  boundaries reign supreme.  Separate but equal are beautiful words in this case.  We can celebrate holidays while maintaining peace at a safe distance.  It works splendidly.  None of us need to be lumped together against our will and for the sake of photos as one big happy family.  What a farce. 😠 

In the past,  I thought this mantra of "play along to get along" was the answer for not making waves and not creating drama.  I no longer subscribe to keeping the peace at the cost of your dignity and at the expense of your core values.  The days of "put up and shut up" are no more. 

You arrive at the point where you're done with certain people because as long as you confront them,  they take great delight in dominating you,  gaslighting you and doing whatever it takes to belittle you to crumbs.  People will abuse you as long as you allow it and as long as you grant them permission to pummel you.  They won't pay attention to your words whether verbal or in written form but they'll definitely notice your actions and non-actions. 

Don't take 💩 from anyone including your sister @yogacat.  Let all perpetrators know you're not playing mind games with them anymore.  Those days are over.  If you don't want history to repeat itself,  be the more powerful and stronger one in the dynamic and then you'll be satisfied and in healthy control of your own life. 

Never allow others to manipulate you. 

 

[yogacat]

18 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

In the future,  instead of "we'll talk about it later,"  next time,  text this:  "ok."  Just like that.  It's unnecessary to talk about it later because it will get you nowhere.

Many families have someone or more people who are a pain in the bleep.  😠  It is very common.

Go your own way.  It's all you can do.  It is what I do and it's called enforcing healthy boundaries.

Most people want the idyllic "Norman Rockwell" Thanksgiving where every family member is compatible while the host is about to carve a glistening roast turkey at the table.  🦃  Well,  not everyone is lucky to have that scene.  ☹️ 

Due to verbal and text offenses,  zero remorse and no apologies to be had,  we've been disbanded from local holiday gatherings despite their invitations.  (Just like you,  sister here.)  Why?  Because character matters.  Being treated with obnoxious disrespect is NOT a foible.  Therefore,  boundaries reign supreme.  Separate but equal are beautiful words in this case.  We can celebrate holidays while maintaining peace at a safe distance.  It works splendidly.  None of us need to be lumped together against our will and for the sake of photos as one big happy family.  What a farce. 😠 

In the past,  I thought this mantra of "play along to get along" was the answer for not making waves and not creating drama.  I no longer subscribe to keeping the peace at the cost of your dignity and at the expense of your core values.  The days of "put up and shut up" are no more. 

You arrive at the point where you're done with certain people because as long as you confront them,  they take great delight in dominating you,  gaslighting you and doing whatever it takes to belittle you to crumbs.  People will abuse you as long as you allow it and as long as you grant them permission to pummel you.  They won't pay attention to your words whether verbal or in written form but they'll definitely notice your actions and non-actions. 

Don't take 💩 from anyone including your sister @yogacat.  Let all perpetrators know you're not playing mind games with them anymore.  Those days are over.  If you don't want history to repeat itself,  be the more powerful and stronger one in the dynamic and then you'll be satisfied and in healthy control of your own life. 

Never allow others to manipulate you. 

 

Thanks Cheryl. Good advice. I'll make sure not to answer when she calls. 😉

[rainbowsandroses]

Hi yoga, just saw this thread and want to clarify that what I'm about to say is for YOU not her.

You have so much going on in your life right now caring for your beloved dad, your new job etc and you do not need the added stress of a difficult sister! 

Anyway...

23 hours ago, yogacat said:

Today she left me a voicemail crying saying she has to focus on herself and that's why she can't come to visit our father for Thanksgiving. I just replied, "we'll talk about it later."

^^ Would it be possible for you to detach from her selfishness a bit (or a lot) and not allow it to negatively affect you to such a large degree?  

You know this is really HER issue and she is the one who will pay the price for her selfishness when your dear dad is gone.  Not you.

To her VM, instead of responding "we'll talk about it later" which reflects anger and annoyance which is never a good feeling (for you), if this were me now after learning what I have, I would have responded "well I'm sorry to hear that, dad will be disappointed but hope you're OK, Happy Thanksgiving."

In other words, be the better person, take the high road, be gracious and then be DONE.  After that, don't give it a second thought and continue with your plans. 

If lord forbid something happened to her, you're left knowing you were gracious and kind versus feeling bitter and resentment.

I had to learn this the hard way by not making amends with my mom before she passed and felt bitter and resentment and am now faced with living with that for the rest of my life. 

She's your sister.

Try to detach and let it go.  Rise above it.

Again for YOU, not her. 

In any event, I hope your dad is doing well, and best wishes for a great and happy holiday! 💛

[Cherylyn]

On 11/12/2024 at 12:56 PM, yogacat said:

Thanks Cheryl. Good advice. I'll make sure not to answer when she calls. 😉

There's nothing left to say and if you said anything,  you'll end up talking in circles again.  What's the point?  It's senseless and useless.  🙄

People won't give you what you want.  The only way you get what you want is to proceed without them in the equation.  Bypass your sister or work around her.  You'll never receive her cooperation so why bother? 

I'm the same way with my siblings and in-laws.  Live your own life.  It's more peaceful and you have control in your life by taking this route.

[BeaTlesFan77]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this.  Being an only child, I can't really say much.  However, I can't agree more that family needs to be there for each other through thick and thin.  Whenever my mother needs help or needed help with something with my father, thankfully I'm 10–15 minutes away that I can assist.  It was the same thing when my mother's parents lived out here.  We were a little longer out, however, she would still go over and assist with anything urgent. 

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

There's nothing left to say and if you said anything,  you'll end up talking in circles again.  What's the point?  It's senseless and useless.  🙄

People won't give you what you want.  The only way you get what you want is to proceed without them in the equation.  Bypass your sister or work around her.  You'll never receive her cooperation so why bother? 

I'm the same way with my siblings and in-laws.  Live your own life.  It's more peaceful and you have control in your life by taking this route.

I did tell her that we were disappointed that she wasn't making the trip to see my father but like you said, what can you do? I just didn't appreciate her bad energy comment. As if... 

Thanks @Cherylyn, I do need to learn to not let her comments affect me so much. I appreciate your advice, it definitely helps to have another perspective.

She is my sister, to @rainbowsandrosescomments, of course I would be sad if something were to happen to her, but I am also learning to create boundaries and not allow her selfishness to bring me down.  I appreciate your advice, I will definitely try to take the high road and not let this affect me too much. Thank you for your kind words and well wishes, I hope you have a great holiday as well!

[Cherylyn]

19 hours ago, yogacat said:

I did tell her that we were disappointed that she wasn't making the trip to see my father but like you said, what can you do? I just didn't appreciate her bad energy comment. As if... 

Thanks @Cherylyn, I do need to learn to not let her comments affect me so much. I appreciate your advice, it definitely helps to have another perspective.

She is my sister, to @rainbowsandrosescomments, of course I would be sad if something were to happen to her, but I am also learning to create boundaries and not allow her selfishness to bring me down.  I appreciate your advice, I will definitely try to take the high road and not let this affect me too much. Thank you for your kind words and well wishes, I hope you have a great holiday as well!

You're just wasting your breath.  Whatever you say to your sister goes in one ear 👂 and out the other.  To her,  you're not taken seriously and you're merely noise.  To her,  you're a bother. 

You don't appreciate her bad energy but learn to expect it so her reactions won't bother you anymore.  Predict the predictable.

@yogacat Thank you for your kind words.  As an outsider with a sister and siblings who are the same,  I can relate.  I also have in-laws who are similar and disdainful as well.  It's all the same. 😣

If something happens to your sister,  there will be no regrets.  You've already tried and it didn't work.  It's not your fault.  Either people are compatible or they're not and if they're not,  take your alternate routes and workarounds. 

Yes,  enforce healthy boundaries.  Most definitely.  👍

I agree,  never allow her selfishness to drag you down. 

You can't control life,  family or anyone.  All you can do is control what you can in a positive way and manage the best you can.  It's all you can do. 

I too wish for the 'Norman Rockwell' fantasy but it's not in the cards for everyone.  Therefore,  go to 'Plan B' and proceed. 

Hope you have a nice holiday regardless.   Never allow your sister to steal your joy nor ruin anything. 🦃 

What helps me regarding any disappointments in people is to shrug it off and know it wasn't meant to be.  Sometimes their apathy is a blessing in disguise.  Why be with questionable characters for the sake of unity?  Don't be with anyone when your heart's not in it and neither should they.  You're just wasting your time,  resources and energy on certain people who don't deserve your attention,  efforts and goodwill. 

[rainbowsandroses]

24 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

You're just wasting your breath.  Whatever you say to your sister goes in one ear 👂 and out the other.  To her,  you're not taken seriously and you're merely noise.  To her,  you're a bother. 

You don't appreciate her bad energy but learn to expect it so her reactions won't bother you anymore.  Predict the predictable.

@yogacat Thank you for your kind words.  As an outsider with a sister and siblings who are the same,  I can relate.  I also have in-laws who are similar and disdainful as well.  It's all the same. 😣

If something happens to your sister,  there will be no regrets.  You've already tried and it didn't work.  It's not your fault.  Either people are compatible or they're not and if they're not,  take your alternate routes and workarounds. 

Yes,  enforce healthy boundaries.  Most definitely.  👍

I agree,  never allow her selfishness to drag you down. 

You can't control life,  family or anyone.  All you can do is control what you can in a positive way and manage the best you can.  It's all you can do. 

I too wish for the 'Norman Rockwell' fantasy but it's not in the cards for everyone.  Therefore,  go to 'Plan B' and proceed. 

Hope you have a nice holiday regardless.   Never allow your sister to steal your joy nor ruin anything. 🦃 

What helps me regarding any disappointments in people is to shrug it off and know it wasn't meant to be.  Sometimes their apathy is a blessing in disguise.  Why be with questionable characters for the sake of unity?  Don't be with anyone when your heart's not in it and neither should they.  You're just wasting your time,  resources and energy on certain people who don't deserve your attention,  efforts and goodwill. 

Amen sista! 

Life is much too short, cherish time spent with your dad and others who bring positive energy to your life.

Don't count on her for anything 

And If you must interact with her and her negativity brings you down, politely end the conversation and try and  emotionally detach (let it go).

I've become an expert at this, which is good and bad but with regard to negative people and negative energy, it's definitely good!!

Happy Holidays!  💛

 

 

[catfeeder]

22 hours ago, yogacat said:

I just didn't appreciate her bad energy comment. As if... 

That comment just speaks of her own guilt. She felt a need to reach for something to flip the script on her own selfishness, because she knows she's full of bunk--and she knows you know it, too.

Head high, YC, you've got this.

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

You're just wasting your breath.  Whatever you say to your sister goes in one ear 👂 and out the other.  To her,  you're not taken seriously and you're merely noise.  To her,  you're a bother. 

You don't appreciate her bad energy but learn to expect it so her reactions won't bother you anymore.  Predict the predictable.

@yogacat Thank you for your kind words.  As an outsider with a sister and siblings who are the same,  I can relate.  I also have in-laws who are similar and disdainful as well.  It's all the same. 😣

If something happens to your sister,  there will be no regrets.  You've already tried and it didn't work.  It's not your fault.  Either people are compatible or they're not and if they're not,  take your alternate routes and workarounds. 

Yes,  enforce healthy boundaries.  Most definitely.  👍

I agree,  never allow her selfishness to drag you down. 

You can't control life,  family or anyone.  All you can do is control what you can in a positive way and manage the best you can.  It's all you can do. 

I too wish for the 'Norman Rockwell' fantasy but it's not in the cards for everyone.  Therefore,  go to 'Plan B' and proceed. 

Hope you have a nice holiday regardless.   Never allow your sister to steal your joy nor ruin anything. 🦃 

What helps me regarding any disappointments in people is to shrug it off and know it wasn't meant to be.  Sometimes their apathy is a blessing in disguise.  Why be with questionable characters for the sake of unity?  Don't be with anyone when your heart's not in it and neither should they.  You're just wasting your time,  resources and energy on certain people who don't deserve your attention,  efforts and goodwill. 

I hear you! I do recall one time I laid into her pretty good and she started crying and I told her I could care less. But half the time I feel they're crocodile tears. You're right though, wasted energy. I will not be going to hers for Thanksgiving after she invited me and she can spend it by herself. I just feel bad for my Dad though. We're very close and he misses his daughter and grandkids since they really want nothing to do with their mother. Oh well, I hope the day comes I can actually feel nothing.

[Cherylyn]

28 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I hear you! I do recall one time I laid into her pretty good and she started crying and I told her I could care less. But half the time I feel they're crocodile tears. You're right though, wasted energy. I will not be going to hers for Thanksgiving after she invited me and she can spend it by herself. I just feel bad for my Dad though. We're very close and he misses his daughter and grandkids since they really want nothing to do with their mother. Oh well, I hope the day comes I can actually feel nothing.

The day will come when you will be numb and feel nothing.  👍

Narcissists are "famous" for doing the following:  Gaslighting,  fake crying to garner sympathy and to make you look like the perpetrator and they're on a smear campaign to discredit you or make you look bad.  Beware. 

I'm with you regarding TG 🦃.  Never place yourself in an uncomfortable situation just because you're faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamily.   🙄  I was once told to "play along to get along."  I no longer subscribe to that mantra because it's foolhardy. 

Focus on what you are willing to do and the rest of the world will not fall apart if you don't partake. 

[yogacat]

She's trying to get us all to come out and stay at hers. I can't with work. She said she would rent a car for all of us to drive down for the weekend. It's an 8 hour drive. 😂 I fudged. I couldn't help it but said, "you know, it would be nice if you saw your father."

I know, I know...I had a Freudian slip. 🫢

[ShySoul]

A little slip up now and then is good for the soul. Gives that frustration a release and gives them something to think about. Ultimately will be harmless I'm sure and things will continue as usual. Kind of think she deserved that sisterly dig.

Though I'll have to remember to not get on your bad side. lol