Suddenly low libido

[Riley ri]

Hi people. I’m in need of your help. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. We live together and I think that our relationship is good and healthy. Lately we’ve been having troubles with sex for example we don’t have that much, or there is not a lot of sex drive mostly from my side but I don’t know why. I really like him and I love him so much but my libido is nowhere to be found. It’s not just with him, it’s in general that I don’t feel it. He feels like I don’t want him anymore and he says he wants me to flirt more with him which I don’t really do even tho he does and most times I ignore him. I don’t do any of these on purpose and I’m very sure I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I can’t even imagine my life without him. Any suggestions on what I could do??

[Andrina]

Though you claim to like and love him, perhaps you've either outgrown the relationship and love him more platonically, or something's happened to upset your hormonal balance. Only you know which you should explore. Easy enough to get your hormone levels checked. Ask your gynecologist. 

Your boyfriend is asking for reasonable things. For you to make an effort into flirting. And why don't you feel guilty that you're making him feel bad by ignoring him when he flirts with you? Normally people don't like to hurt a person they claim to like and love.

It's not fair to him to be with you a lifetime if you're not going to put an equal effort into romance. Do you have your head in the sand about any existing problems? How old are you two? How often did you use to have sex when it happened more regularly?

[ShySoul]

You aren't doing anything wrong, so don't feel bad about it. You aren't doing anything unfair to him. You shouldn't feel guilty. You aren't ignoring him. And you aren't trying to hurt him.

If he is feeling hurt because you aren't in the mood for sex, that is his problem. Sex is not a right that anyone has and you don't owe him anything if you aren't feeling it. What he should be doing is not asking you to do more for him. He should be talking with you about why you are feeling this way and finding ways to help you increase your libido. It shouldn't all fall onto you just because he wants sex.

A person's sex drive is affected by a multitude of things. Just because you don't want to have it, doesn't mean you aren't attracted to him, love him, or want to be with him. It doesn't have to mean either of you are doing something wrong. It could be stress. You could be worn out from all the other parts of your life. A person could be depressed. Maybe you are overthinking something so can't be in the moment to let yourself go to that mindset. Maybe the fact that this is an issue is causing you stress over it, so it becomes even harder to want sex because you are putting too much pressure on yourself to have it.

What else is going on in your life? Could there be a reason you haven't felt like having it?

And how is the romance? Are you feeling loved and wanted from him? In ways other then the bedroom? Are you connecting on an emotional level? That doesn't have to be flirting or anything physcial. It can simply be doing things together or having regular, heartfelt conversations. 

Sex is more emotional and mental then it is physical. I've always found that if you touch the heart, mind, and soul... the body follows.

[Riley ri]

First of all thank you both for your replies. I am 24 years old and he’s 22. Me ignoring him when he’s trying to flirt with me comes completely unconsciously and it’s not in the way to hurt him but he mentioned it and that he misses the fact that I used to flirt with him more. Matter fact I don’t even know when I stopped doing it but I feel that I used to be more open and more confident and now I feel very shy and insecure. He has not done anything to make me change like this it’s more a sudden inside change in me.  We are connected in an emotional level and he makes me feel loved in many ways, he also says that I make him feel loved and the only problem he’s noticing is the sex. In the first one ,maybe one and a half, year we used to have sex almost everyday and now it’s like maybe once or twice every 2 weeks. I look at him and I can feel that I like him I can feel attracted to him but it feels like something stopping me

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Riley ri said:

...maybe one and a half, year we used to have sex almost everyday and now it’s like maybe once or twice every 2 weeks. I look at him and I can feel that I like him I can feel attracted to him but it feels like something stopping me

What other changes happened in your life or his life 6 months ago?

[Andrina]

Do you live together or apart? Do you each work full time? Go to college or not? Do you spend time apart doing your own hobbies with separate time with your friends? Or, are you joined at the hip and don't have any social life besides each other? Daily sex isn't realistic to sustain for most couples, but at your ages, I'd think once every two weeks would be frustrating to a virile guy his age.

Strange how you'd feel all of a sudden shy after being together 2 years. I'm sure there's something you're not telling us, which you don't need to. However, you really need to think about what that is and explore it. If there's any past trauma, that could be the culprit.

[ShySoul]

A slowdown in frequency is normal. Doing it almost everyday would be a hard pace to keep up indefinately. So don't feel bad about that.

Doesn't seem like there is an issue with the relationship. So what else is going on in your life? Can you think a reason you might be feeling shy or not as confident? Can you pinpoint when you started to feel this way? Maybe something happened around that time that impacted you? Outside of the relationship, are you happy in your life? Are you fulfilled and have a sense of purpose and joy?

You need to focus on figuring our yourself first, on what will make you happy. Seems something is going on within you that is creating a mental block from being able to let go. Nothing wrong with that. We all have times we need to take some time and figure ourselves out.

I also think there can be too much focus on how much sex we have and not enough how how good that sex is. Less sex is fine as long as you both enjoy it when it happens and make it as awesome for each other as you can. 

And I'll say that when I was that age, I would have been fine with no sex and just cuddling. If my partner wasn't up for it, I wouldn't want her thinking she should be doing anything she didn't feel she wanted to do. Just knowing someone is there who loves me would have been good enough.