Did he choose porn over me?

[RobustMouse]

My BF and I have been together for approximately 5 months - friends for a year before we got together. He is 38 and while I don't believe he has full blown ED, he has symptoms of it. (For example, he has trouble staying hard through sex or changing positions) He cannot have sex often either - after the 3rd time a week, he can't get off at all and he is limp without CONSTANT stimulation. I have never once made an issue, judged, I have constantly accepted everything because I love him; until today.

 

I am probably going to sound the worst person in world. Please call me out if I am in the wrong.

 

When I got to his house today, I had brought my lingerie over, shaved down there, and was ready to have some awesome fun with him. I even gave him a hint hours before coming over. When I got there, I started to immediately try and initiate and he said "Well I don't know if I can get off..." and I knew immediately he had masturbated the day earlier.

 

Ok I understand - I have ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT to determine when someone masturbates - absolutely none!

 

What I am upset about is that it affects my sex life with him. For example as I described above - rather than he and I having an awesome session together - I am stuck having to do everything I can to keep him hard, and he cannot get off. While it is intimate to some degree - its not really as fun - I do it more for him than myself.

 

I guess I felt like he was choosing porn over me - he knew I was coming over the next day, and he knows his issues, and yet rather than make sure he and I had a great time (he knew I was coming over)-he pleasured himself.

 

I feel on one hand as I said - I have no right to determine someone plays with themselves. But on the other, because his masturbation negatively affects our sex life when he does it the day before I come over.

Am I just being dumb or do I have valid reasons to be upset? Yes, I will be talking to him - but could anyone provide insight? I have no issue with him pleasuring myself - except when it's so close to when we see each other because it negatively affects sex with us.

[Morello]

I think you two probably have unmatched sexual needs/wants or just cannot have sex in the same frequency that you'd like. That seems like the underlying issue here.

Did you ask him if he'd masturbated the day before? If so, did you talk about it? If you approach it with 'curiosity' when talking about this with him, you might get a better outcome. Surely, it's disappointing that he didn't wait, though, but I can see he's in a difficult situation too. Has he looked for medical help for his ED issues?

If you want to have consistent sex several times a week, he's probably not your guy, so perhaps it's worth thinking how much of a dealbreaker that is for you.

[RobustMouse]

He actually likes having sex as much as I do - I think the issue is that I wanted a full on experience with him, and him finishing - and to him he just couldnt wait any longer for me to over - and probably thought I would enjoy sex with him just as much if he didnt come. This I need to be honest with him about.

We have had an agreement he needs to do his best to try and not masturbate before he sees me - not because I want control over it, but because when he plays with himself before he sees me, he cant finish and or/ its difficult. We both talked and agreed to it - and tonight I was planning on giving him the time of his life - and its on me - he didnt know I had planned on it.

He probably thought we would have just as much fun together no matter if he did or not.

I do need to talk to him. But I still wanted other's thoughts.

He is not interested in seeking help with ED - hes in denial.

[poorlittlefish]

Many women find themselves in your position nowadays, myself included. I can tell when he's been at the porn because he takes forever to come. I spoke with him about how it's affecting both my self esteem and our ability to have a normal sex life, but nothing has changed (he admitted to watching porn daily). We've only been together a month longer than you and I too am growing tired of our sex life being rubbish. 

Have you tried bringing up the subject and telling him how it's affecting you? If so, then he has the opportunity to make a conscious choice between whether to wank or give it a miss before he's seeing you in order to maintain a healthy sex life. That's not policing him, it's giving him a choice.

Choices have consequences, so if his choices result in you choosing to end the relationship then he can't say he doesn't know why. 

[catfeeder]

This doesn't sound like a problem that's going to go away. The larger point of dating is to learn whether someone is the right match for you rather than assume a great future together. You're learning that his porn conditioning is a barrier to him having a sex life with you that's fulfilling for you.

You don't mention your age, but with only 5 months invested, if these are your best fertility years, you may want to consider whether this is the kind of sex life with a partner you envision for your future.

[tattoobunnie]

Even my grandpa at 70+ years old was able to knock up his 32 year old girlfriend.  If he won't go see a doc to get checked out, I would honestly break-up.   38 is young, and you are too young to settle for crappy sex.

[redswim30]

9 hours ago, RobustMouse said:

- and tonight I was planning on giving him the time of his life - and its on me - he didnt know I had planned on it.

He probably thought we would have just as much fun together no matter if he did or not.

I do need to talk to him. But I still wanted other's thoughts.

He is not interested in seeking help with ED - hes in denial.

For this first sentence alone, you don't have a right to be mad at him in this specific instance. 

HOWEVER, it does sounds like you are sexually incompatible and issues like this don't tend to go away with time.  The rift just gets wider and wider.   If he is, as you say in denial, then as you age, this issue will only get worse. Especially if he does have ED at such a young age. 

All you can do is to determine how important this issue is to you and if it is a deal-breaker for you or not. 

But just don't expect it to magically go away, conversation or not.  Issues are unlikely to improve with someone so severely in denial. 

[smackie9]

deal breaker. Go find someone else.

[RobustMouse]

I am not saying he as an addiction - but because his frequent self play was interfering with us, we discussed and agreed that he would try not do it before we say each other (like a day before - if we dont see each other for 5 days, of course do it) he basically told me that he was 'overcome with need' and did it anyway. Honestly, as understanding as Ive tried to be, I am getting sick of it. He will not go get checked out.

[RobustMouse]

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

This doesn't sound like a problem that's going to go away. The larger point of dating is to learn whether someone is the right match for you rather than assume a great future together. You're learning that his porn conditioning is a barrier to him having a sex life with you that's fulfilling for you.

You don't mention your age, but with only 5 months invested, if these are your best fertility years, you may want to consider whether this is the kind of sex life with a partner you envision for your future.

Also thank you everyone for your replies. I am 36

 

 

[Jaunty]

I'm sorry, I'm sure this is painful for you, but you're sexually incompatible.  

You made it clear in your OP that he is regularly not able to finish, have sex more than 3 x a week, etc.

If his interests aligned with yours, you would not need to ask him not to choke the chicken before you were going to be together - because he would WANT to be fully functioning with you.  

He's probably addicted to porn and to what sex feels like when he masturbates.

[Zaku-II]

23 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

Many women find themselves in your position nowadays, myself included. I can tell when he's been at the porn because he takes forever to come. I spoke with him about how it's affecting both my self esteem and our ability to have a normal sex life, but nothing has changed (he admitted to watching porn daily). We've only been together a month longer than you and I too am growing tired of our sex life being rubbish.

Interesting... I've heard of people advocating against porn for this very reason, but it seems to ignore the various categories.

On the one hand you have the guys who choose porn over their partners.

On the other hand you have the guys who have no choice but porn.

And then there's also the ones that prefer porn and aren't interested in women.

The two second categories of men tend to just be dismissed like they don't exist because of the consequences the first category has on relationships.

[RobustMouse]

On 11/8/2024 at 4:34 PM, Jaunty said:

I'm sorry, I'm sure this is painful for you, but you're sexually incompatible.  

You made it clear in your OP that he is regularly not able to finish, have sex more than 3 x a week, etc.

If his interests aligned with yours, you would not need to ask him not to choke the chicken before you were going to be together - because he would WANT to be fully functioning with you.  

He's probably addicted to porn and to what sex feels like when he masturbates.

I actually did talk to him. He explained that that night he had every intention of waiting - but when he was in bed he suddenly got turned on and chocked the chicken.

When we talked - I told him I had no right to determine when he self plays, but he was upset with himself because he knows it affecrs us. He said he needed stronger self will. I assured him that I only requested it the days before we saw eachother - if I am traveling for work, he can do that whenever he wants.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, RobustMouse said:

I actually did talk to him. He explained that that night he had every intention of waiting - but when he was in bed he suddenly got turned on and chocked the chicken.

When we talked - I told him I had no right to determine when he self plays, but he was upset with himself because he knows it affecrs us. He said he needed stronger self will. I assured him that I only requested it the days before we saw eachother - if I am traveling for work, he can do that whenever he wants.

I just wouldn't go there at all.  Hands off -pun intended. If you are available for sex and he is then cool. If he is not -for any reason including he felt like pleasuring himself - then be sexual and affectionate and have intercourse some other time.  He doesn't need stronger self will IMO because intercourse is only one part of sex and being affectionate and sexual.  Yes I agree that if he gets rip roaring drunk before a date with you so that he cannot be present with you or even be affectionate etc that's different - he shouldn't do something that means he basically won't be there to spend time with you - but if he feels pressured not to self pleasure so he can "wait" -well what if last minute your stomach isn't right/your period comes early and you're not in the mood or whatever - then it creates this unnecessary keeping score dynamic.

My husband likes when we have couple time -child free time -walking to this fancy ice cream place that varies its daily flavors. I'm not as much of a fan of it and often don't want to get any -just taste his - but I really enjoy the walk and the time. Sometimes I have ice cream before we go that day so I'm not really in the mood for ice cream.  But we still have our walk and time together, we still have fun choosing the flavors and so what if I don't partake -I'm there with him and we're together and having fun.

Yes -different if like you were trying to conceive - then both people have to be ready to perform lol on command -but you're not -if the actual intercourse act is that important to you find someone who feels the same way and wouldn't do anything to prevent it happening and would do it even if not totally into it in the mood -to accommodate your desire to be together sexually in that specific way at that specific time.

[redswim30]

4 hours ago, RobustMouse said:

I actually did talk to him. He explained that that night he had every intention of waiting - but when he was in bed he suddenly got turned on and chocked the chicken.

When we talked - I told him I had no right to determine when he self plays, but he was upset with himself because he knows it affecrs us. He said he needed stronger self will. I assured him that I only requested it the days before we saw eachother - if I am traveling for work, he can do that whenever he wants.

It really sounds like all this conversation did was to make him feel shamed.   He's saying he needs "stronger self will" and then you reassuring him like you are his parent?  Not healthy for either of you.

I'll say it again OP, you are sexually incompatible.  And how you handled this should not continue.  You are really in child/parent roles here.  One of you (or both of you) will eventually get tired of that dynamic. 

In a long relationship, you won't always be in the mood for sex at the same time.   And you shouldn't have to delve or probe because you feel disappointed and he shouldn't have to "report" to you what he did, why it was wrong and how to make sure to abide by your rules next time. 

I really think you are headed for a breakup if you keep this dynamic up.   Let's forget about him for a second and talk about your communication style.  You repeated in above posts say that "You know you have no right to tell him/manage him" etc- but then you go on to do exactly those things, but then trying to soften the blow with "but if I'm not available, you can do whatever you want." You "pre-excuse" yourself because you know what you are about to say is unfair, and then you still choose to do it anyway, then double back around with "but it's ok in these specific circumstances."    So my question is - in other areas of your relationship, do you at times take on a more parental role with him?  That's really what this is seeming like. Like your relationship is really unequal and on your terms. 

Perhaps I'm wrong, but instead of continuing to look at what he did that made you unhappy.  You might reconsider your own behavior here and why you feel the need to jump into parental mode with him. 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 11/7/2024 at 10:26 PM, RobustMouse said:

When I got to his house today, I had brought my lingerie over, shaved down there, and was ready to have some awesome fun with him. I even gave him a hint hours before coming over. When I got there, I started to immediately try and initiate and he said "Well I don't know if I can get off..." and I knew immediately he had masturbated the day earlier.

^I don't like the idea of planning sex in advance and giving him "hints."  That places unnecessary pressure on the entire experience and his sexual desire and 'performance', which may have been one reason why he couldn't get off and well .. perform!  Sexually.  For lack of a better word. 

In my experience, it's best to let sex happen spontaneously and naturally, don't discuss it prior or find ways to entice him or turn him on like special lingerie etc.  

Of course, always be well groomed in that area and your body in general but keep that to yourself.

But other than that, your essence as a woman and his attraction to you should be enough to get him off.

Since it's apparently not, whether he has addiction to porn or something else, that is a BIG problem imo especially after only 5 months together.

On 11/7/2024 at 10:26 PM, RobustMouse said:

I am stuck having to do everything I can to keep him hard, and he cannot get off. While it is intimate to some degree - its not really as fun - I do it more for him than myself.

^^This sounds utterly exhausting and NOT fun, intimate or sexually/emotionally satisfying in the least! 

When I'm in a relationship, I love pleasuring my boyfriend as he does me - it's a mutually satisfying experience - what you describe sounds forced and like a chore which for me personally would kill the mood AND my desire.

I dunno RM this sounds all wrong and since his ability to "get off" and/or feel sexual desire for you hinges on whether he has the self-control to not jerk off to porn, I would say he does have an addiction.

If you were in a long term relationship wherein you had already established a mutually-rewarding healthy active sex life and this was something new, I would suggest you work together through counseling, individually and as a couple. 

But it sounds to me like it's always been this way, you have never had a happy satisfying rewarding sex life together and at only 5 months in, I think you should consider cutting losses and moving on.

You can tell him this is not what you envisioned for yourself and if he wants to contemplate that and make some internal changes within himself to become a healthy sexual partner in his next relationship, that is HIS decision.

By the way, in reading men's forums and speaking with a few, porn conditioning and addiction has become a real issue and many men have stopped altogether and they've said it's made a huge difference in their sex life and relationships and overall well being in general, mentally and physically.

 

 

 

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, redswim30 said:

I'll say it again OP, you are sexually incompatible.  And how you handled this should not continue. 

100% agree.  

OP.  You cannot have any control over when he chooses to masturbate or not masturbate.   Your efforts to do so are only hurting yourself and your relationship.

HE needs to be in charge of what he does, or does not do to improve your sexual relationship.   

Your attempts to control his masturbation is ... controlling.  This is never going to be good.

Also - please remember that you described this guy as having sex issues with you in general:

Quote

I don't believe he has full blown ED, he has symptoms of it. (For example, he has trouble staying hard through sex or changing positions) He cannot have sex often either - after the 3rd time a week, he can't get off at all and he is limp without CONSTANT stimulation. 

You've been together for only 5 months ... this is the way it is.   

If you two want to go to therapy together and have guidance from outside of your relationship, and you BOTH agree to go along with what's suggested, that could work - but probably not in a relationship of only 5 months.  You don't have enough together to fall back on.

So ... the answer to your question is "sexual incompatibility" and the deeper answer is that you are not going to resolve it by getting control over his masturbation schedule.  That would have to come from HIM.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Anonwriter said:

I understand you 100%. Porn can either help a relationship or ruin it.. My issue is that my bf watches porn more than he’s intimate with me and he blames not being intimate with me on his body issues but honestly I think it goes deeper than that. Maybe laziness, maybe he’s not as attracted to me anymore, I don’t know but it’s such a self esteem killer for me. 

Or porn can be neutral.  But that's not your issue. Your issue is that you want sex more often than your bf does and you want him to control himself at times when you are available to have intercourse. If he has body issues they will be made worse by feeling pressured to refrain from pleasuring himself -his own body- to accommodate your availability for and desire for sex.  Also if  you are monitoring it that closely that you'v evaluated how often he watches porn vs. how often you have sex i think your issues go deeper too.  

5 months is a short period of time for these sorts of incompatibilities especially since you measure your self esteem so much by how often he wants to have intercourse with you.

[rainbowsandroses]

I'm not so sure if it is an incompatibility issue, they have never had the opportunity to find out! 

I mean if he quit porn or didn't allow it to control him, his sexual desire for OP and ability to "get off" (with her) to such a large degree, it's quite possible they would be compatible in the bedroom. 

It's a conscious choice to watch porn knowing the opportunity to have sex with OP soon awaits and he chooses porn.

On 11/7/2024 at 10:26 PM, RobustMouse said:

He knew I was coming over the next day, and he knows his issues, and yet rather than make sure he and I had a great time (he knew I was coming over)-he pleasured himself.

To me this^ is not incompatibility, it's him either using porn to avoid sex with OP, or to prevent intimacy and distance himself or he's unable to control his urges which is a form of addiction.

All of which results in crappy sex life with OP, and IS a big problem imho.

 

 

 

[Jaunty]

8 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 

To me this^ is not incompatibility, it's him either using porn to avoid sex with OP, or to prevent intimacy and distance himself or he's unable to control his urges which is a form of addiction.

Well ... this is how he chooses to conduct his sex life, which is incompatible with what the OP wants out of HER sex life.  

That's how it gets labled "sexual incompatibility" by me.

If he wanted to "control his urges" based on her schedule, he'd certainly be doing that.   Constantly failing at fulfilling her sexually, needing exhausting measures being undertaken by her to just keep him in the game, etc. must feel just as bad to him as it does to her.  

Yet, that's how he evidently prefers it, for whatever reason.

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Not cool he chooses porn so much over you

 

As for the other issues it could be mental or health related 

Diet and exercise have a lot to do with this too

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Well ... this is how he chooses to conduct his sex life, which is incompatible with what the OP wants out of HER sex life.  

That's how it gets labled "sexual incompatibility" by me.

If he wanted to "control his urges" based on her schedule, he'd certainly be doing that.   Constantly failing at fulfilling her sexually, needing exhausting measures being undertaken by her to just keep him in the game, etc. must feel just as bad to him as it does to her.  

Yet, that's how he evidently prefers it, for whatever reason.

 

Also it might be personal to her -he turns to porn more than he would because he feels pressured by her and her insistence he stick to a schedule of when she's available for sex - which to him might be a turn off.

What if she said "on Wednesday I want to have sushi at that new place and they only have a 9pm reservation so please don't eat dinner earlier that night" - well what if he's tempted by his mom's left over spaghetti and meatballs at 6pm and he can't help himself.  So at 9 he tells her I'll go with you but I'll have tea and hang out.  Is he going to get blamed -even if he does this often - for being addicted to carbs and not waiting to satisfy his urges to adhere to her schedule?

I mean sure we try to accommodate in all those ways - not give in to all sorts of urges so we can make our partner happier by having sex at that time, by enjoying sushi together, by being awake to watch netflix so we take a nap that afternoon, etc.

If he refused to be affectionate or sexual at all because he got himself off earlier I mean yes -that's different but to me unless it's about trying to conceive and there are fertility issues (which I mentioned earlier) I'm not a fan of this sort of control. Maybe it's a stress reliever for him in a way that intercourse is not. I too wouldn't jump to labeling it as an addiction.  

[poorlittlefish]

I don't think it's controlling to want to be able to have a decent sex life, but it takes two for that to happen.  If this guy can't or won't prioritise his relationship/sex life with his partner then leave him to his right hand because nothing will get better.  The problem isn't with you, OP.  You can meet someone else who prefers to prioritise intimacy with his partner over solo instant gratification.  He, on the other hand, will encounter the same problems in future relationships because those women will get fed up of having a rubbish sex life too.  

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

I don't think it's controlling to want to be able to have a decent sex life, but it takes two for that to happen.  If this guy can't or won't prioritise his relationship/sex life with his partner then leave him to his right hand because nothing will get better.  

Right.  This is what I'm saying.  Guy needs to decide for himself whether he should abstain to save it for his girlfriend or not.  And not do it because she told him to.