I removed him from social media to heal

[Tammy101]

• Last week my 5 month relationship broke up. Although it was a relatively short union, it still made me sad and disappointed. Here is a bit of background:

  I met the man (50 year old) on a dating app. Prior to that, it took me 14 months to heal from a previous 4 year relationship, which I believe was a bit toxic. I took time out to work on myself and gain self love and respect. I’m 43 with 3 teenaged children. I have a professional job and I’m financially secure. When I met the man in question 5 months ago, I felt ready to meet someone and to give love another go. The first few weeks were good. There was the usual (what I now presume as love-bombing) complements of ‘you’re so effortlessly beautiful’, ‘where have you been?’, ‘you have put such a smile on my face for the last few weeks, here is to many more’, ‘I think I’m falling for you’. Without coming across needy and demanding (at least that’s what I think I had achieved), I tried to share with this man my vulnerabilities and insecurities that stemmed from past experiences. In a nice way, I tried to set my boundaries around trust and honesty in order to protect my heart and prevent repeating past mistakes. We arranged two weekends away and we even started discussing an overseas trip in March next year.

  Then something changed about 4 months in. The communication started getting less. The loving and flirty texts were replaced with more one-liners and ‘business-like replies’. I have to say that they were hot and cold, and I came to realise that they only heated up a bit more towards an arranged evening together when sex would be on the table. After such an evening, they would dwindle again. I started noticing this pattern right until the end.

  We ended up going away for both weekends as mentioned above. The first weekend occurred when things were still fine between us. The second weekend had been 2 weeks ago, a few weeks after I started noticing a shift in his behaviour. However, even this weekend was fine and we had a lot of fun – and of course, a lot of sex.

  One thing which I had noticed about him was his vanity and that he may be going through a slight midlife crisis. He loves taking selfies and lately he’s placed a badge on his bathroom mirror which says ‘hey there handsome’. After his last breakup and turning 50, hie bought himself a brand new red Ducati motorbike. He also has a woman’s underwear collection which I came across when I was getting ready for work one morning. That was not fun to find, and gave me a slightly uneasy feeling. I shifted it aside and just assumed they were his ex’s (whom he broke up with about a year ago). Apparently she had anger problems and verbally abused him in front of his young kids (now 11 and 8), and he had to kick her out. She was 17 years younger than him and they lived together for 12 months. In total they were in an 18 month relationship. He is also not on good terms with the mother of his kids ( his ex wife). He made no secret about the fact that he loves women’s underwear and finds it extremely sexy. Again, I didn’t make anything of it, because we had a great sex life together and we talked about lots of things. I even tried to wear sexy underwear when we were together.

  A few times when we went out he would tell me that he noticed heads turn when we enter somewhere, meaning that people were looking at me. Even during our last weekend away, when we were at a wine and food festival, he commented on the amount of attention I was receiving. I do pride myself in my unique fashion sense and I love dressing bohemian and gypsy. This festival was the perfect opportunity for me to have fun with that and be bold. Some people even commented on us as a cute couple, as we were very ‘lovey-dovey’ during the festival. One comment he made which I also remember particularly was, “You are getting so much attention, we are getting attention together…but I’m not getting any by myself”. At the time I did not think much of it and thought he was just joking. However, now I’m wondering. He also mentioned that he should not go off and leave me alone as I would be taken by a hot young dude. Also, a presumably tongue in cheek comment.

  The day we drove back from our last weekend together (7 hour drive), I had noticed that he was a bit quite. However, what I noticed more, was that after he initiated sex with me that morning, he did not touch me again, except for kissing me goodbye when we arrived home. Although I felt it in my gut, I tried to push it aside as mere driving fatigue and exhaustion after the weekend. This was Monday. I did not hear from him again until Friday, when I contacted him to break it off.

  I tried to phone him on Friday evening and he declined my call. He texted back straight away to say that he was playing with his kids, chat later. Before I proceed, please know that I am also a parent, and I will never consciously try to sabotage someone’s time with their children. In the past when things had still been fine, he would not hesitate to contact me-or even call me-while his children were home and doing their own thing. We were both respectful of our respective time with our children. He only started using his time with them (and his work) as an excuse when things started fizzling out. Anyway…I texted him saying “I’m sorry, there will be no later. It is not working for me”. He replied saying “Oh ok, I don’t know what to say to that. I am prioritising my kids right now, but if you want to end things, that is fine”.

  I sent him a voice message saying that I knew that something was drastically wrong when I had not heard from him since our weekend away. I proceeded saying that I had been very clear from the start that I just want him to be honest with me, no matter what the outcome, but that he has failed with this. In his last voice message he obviously denied that he had been dishonest. He went on saying that he had always been completely honest and had never lied to me or hidden things from me. He said that he admitted that the last week of no communication was strange and it was as much on me as it was on him, and that maybe I was hiding something too. He also said (which I think is a bit contradictory with the whole honesty card), that things had been fizzling out for the last few weeks anyway, and with all these very strange and deep conversations lately, it is probably best if we call it a day.

  I have worked so hard on myself since my last relationship, and I am so disappointed in myself for getting in this place again. He texted me on Monday to arrange an exchange of possessions. We settled on him picking up his things from my house and leave my stuff in a safe outdoor spot. Because I know how I felt in previous situations, I decided to remove him from my social media and block him on WhatsApp. I emailed him with information about the drop off/pick up location, and I asked him to let me know by email when he will be coming over. I will obviously make sure that I am not home when this occurs.

  Although I have done all this to try and heal and start protecting my heart again, I still feel empty and sad. I have spoken to friends and family and everyone is very supportive. However, it’s such a yuck and disappointing situation to be in. I guess I am writing this to vent to ladies who have been in similar situations and who could offer some moral support and advice.

  Thank you and I apologise for the ridiculously long post.

 

 

 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you are hurting. My sense is you were not ready to date again but instead of realizing that you decided to be very intense and heavy handed with a brand new person in your life:  tried to share with this man my vulnerabilities and insecurities that stemmed from past experiences. In a nice way" but it probably was a bit overwhelming for him -to hear this right off the bat as if it was a therapy session instead of a fun date or fun getting to know each other -he likely tolerated it because when it's new and exciting etc. 

Interestingly you chose to leave him intense emotional voice messages rather than waiting to speak with him in person - but you are a person who says she has all these vulnerabilities and insecurities -so wouldn't you be exactly the person to treat another human in a caring way -meaning rather than accuse them of doing wrong in a voice mail: . I proceeded saying that I had been very clear from the start that I just want him to be honest with me, no matter what the outcome, but that he has failed with this. 

I mean accusing someone in a voice mail of "failing" at being honest -when in reality all he did was choose not to share with you at that time that he was feeling distant- maybe he was still processing how he felt and why? To me anyway dishonest is -if he told you he was exclusive with you but was seeing other women on the side and didn't tell you -that for sure is dishonest.  

Again you overshared with him right off the bat (IMO) how you are basically with lots of emotional baggage because of past relationships and wanted him to treat you in a certain way given your fragility and yet you are leaving him intense emotional accusatory voice messages. I don't blame him for describing it as "very strange and deep conversations lately"

Moral support - I am 58 and a married mom of a teenager- we married at 42.  I dated for decades looking for Mr. Right instead of Mr. Wrong or Mr. Right on Paper or Mr. Right For Now.  It is yucky even if it's "only" 4-5 months - at your age for sure that can get intense. It sounds like sex was a big focus of your time together which can be great and also can throw you off and perhaps make you ignore flags like perhaps his values didn't align with yours.  It's great you had fun dressing up in your favorite bohemian clothes at the festival and yes it's a bit odd how insecure he was -but maybe he was joking -after all you didn't know him that well.

I am sorry you are hurting and I hope sharing an outsider's take on why perhaps it wasn't the healthiest choice to get this intense so fast with a new man given your fragility wasn't the best idea. I get it -for 15 plus years I worked way more than full time in an intensely competitive and male dominated field -and that doesn't mean when we shed our professional hat and don a romantic hat that we don't feel vulnerable and even fragile

I hope you feel better.

[Tammy101]

Thank you for your reply @Batya33

[SophiaG]

Sorry to hear this. I don't know exactly what you shared with him but it doesn't sound necessarily overwhelming. I think he might just not have the same relationship goals and have lost interest for whatever reason. You could have started a conversation and asked him why he was less communicative when that happened but I doubt it would have mattered - it does sound like he's more focused on looks/sex and not that into you as a person. The initial lovebombing could be a red flag too.

52 minutes ago, Tammy101 said:

I texted him saying “I’m sorry, there will be no later. It is not working for me”. He replied saying “Oh ok, I don’t know what to say to that. I am prioritising my kids right now, but if you want to end things, that is fine”.

I don't see anything wrong with your text - I personally won't break up with someone I've dated for months over a text but if he hasn't contacted you for almost a week - I might not even bother with texting him, I'd just assume we'd already broken up. His response here was also utterly nonchalant/lackluster and sounds like he'd been just waiting for you to end things. I wouldn't call him or send anymore vm after seeing that.

Blocking him is the right call imo. It will take some time but strict no contact will help you move on faster. Good luck!

[Tammy101]

Thank you @SophiaG ! This is really encouraging! The reason I ended it so swiftly was because I guess I just wanted to beat him to it. And by doing it on a Friday evening after a week of no communication, I guess it was like ripping off a band aid and not spending my whole weekend wondering and waiting. Thanks heaps xx

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, Tammy101 said:

Without coming across needy and demanding (at least that’s what I think I had achieved), I tried to share with this man my vulnerabilities and insecurities that stemmed from past experiences. In a nice way, I tried to set my boundaries around trust and honesty in order to protect my heart and prevent repeating past mistakes

I guess we'd need to know exactly what was said since it's somewhat vague. That is if it's something we can advise on so you don't repeat the same mistakes, if what you said was in fact not beneficial to your union. But from what you've said about his shallow comments about attention and looks, it seems that even if emotional baggage wasn't addressed by you, he's not one to seem like long-term material.

1 hour ago, Tammy101 said:

I have worked so hard on myself since my last relationship, and I am so disappointed in myself for getting in this place again

I don't know what you mean by this and why you're disappointed in yourself. The sweet things he said weren't over the top, such as if a man said he wanted to marry you within months. We don't know who a person is yet, and so we enjoy the honeymoon period and see if evolves into a more realistic, yet deeper level. When the honeymoon stage waned and he showed himself to not be interested in going to the next level, you did the right thing by breaking up. Because yes, I too would expect a guy I was in a relationship with for 5 months would want to hear my voice at least once a day. You did the right thing by breaking up when you did instead of sticking around and hoping for improvement under these circumstances. So be proud of yourself for valuing yourself enough to cut loose from someone unworthy of you.

[ShySoul]

Why did you wait all week to call him? Phones work both ways. Yes, he could have contacted you. But you could have contacted him. Instead it seems you let all the uncertainty you were having build up and decided you were going to wait and see if you would come to you. Then when he was busy - and there is no way of knowing what he was doing - you took that as an opportunity to confirm all your suscipions and break up with him. 

The better alternative would have been to have a discussion about things in person. You weren't wrong to be concerned. If certain things were troubling you, you have every right to feel hurt and worried. But you didn't even give him a chance to explain. You didn't talk and communicate with each other. Instead you pushed it aside and tried to ignore it until it got to a point that you couldn't take it and abruptly called it off.

When someone out of the blue accuses you of not being honest and calls things off, it's a natural reaction to get defensive. And I'm confused what he was not being honest on. Is there proof he wasn't trying to spend time with the children? You said he was honest about his fetish for women's underwear. I agree he probably has a bit of a mid life crisis and some insecurities about himself, but that's not the same as lying.

As you don't seem interested in him, probably best to leave this one alone. But in the future, communicate your concerns and feelings with a partner. Give it a chance to be worked out. Give each other a chance to explain themselves, apologize, and make it right. Otherwise, no relationship will ever work out.

[shouldhavelearned]

That totally sucks

Keep the faith and stay strong 

[Tammy101]

Thank you @ShySoul. Again, this is good advice and something to learn from. Yeah I think that after getting hurt in  life, one's walls go up so much and the armour comes out. You act and run before anyone can can cut through all of that. I do think though that if it is the right person for you, and they really want to, they will abreast try??   He had loads of work stress and 2 your children at the age of 50. My kids are already relatively grown and I am feeling more independent at 43. I do think more and more that in the long run we could not make it work long term. That is another lesson which I have learned from this.

[Tammy101]

@Andrinathank you

[rainbowsandroses]

Hello @Tammy101, while I agree with others, my advice is a lot simpler and would have avoided what amounts to BS throughout and you becoming disappointed and hurt now.

4 hours ago, Tammy101 said:

The first few weeks were good. There was the usual (what I now presume as love-bombing) complements of ‘you’re so effortlessly beautiful’, ‘where have you been?’, ‘you have put such a smile on my face for the last few weeks, here is to many more’, ‘I think I’m falling for you’.

^In the future stay away from men who 'lovebomb' you with such words and attention so early in, within the first few weeks?  

Why?  Because he doesn't yet know you and is operating from a place of fantasy.

Versus taking his time getting to know you and allowing both your feelings to develop at a realistic pace. 

I mean look what happened?  After four weeks, he began pulling back and distancing followed by so many red flags which for some you chose to rationalize, justify and basically dismiss.

I just started dating a new man and while he makes effort and shows interest through his actions at a reasonable pace, there is none of that over-the-top lovebombing ****. 

Where have you been all my life?  Really??

Frankly it there was this early in, I would not have trusted it and would be completely turned off and I think you should ask yourself why you fell hook line and sinker for it. 

I am not suggesting he didn't mean his words at the time, but imo and experience they were fantasy-driven versus reality-driven and clearly the fantasy died after a mere one month!

Also ask yourself why you chose to dismiss all the other red flags which appeared to be a conscious choice on your part knowing they were red flags! 

I do think you opened yourself up to him too soon however it should have never have even gotten to that point if you had behaved prudently and cautiously and not allowed yourself to get caught up in his fantasy which again pretty much died after one month.

I'm truly sorry you got hurt.  There IS a lesson to be learned from this, you're still young at 43, there will be way more opportunities for you to meet a better man for you, which you WILL.

Choose wisely from from the getgo and avoid disappointment and hurt later. 

 

 

[Tammy101]

@rainbowsandrosesThank you for your kind feedback. Yeah I guess I did exactly what I said to myself not to do when I started dating again. 

[Kwothe28]

I think you just came across narcissistic player.  That much of loving for himself, enjoying younger women, vanity, it all comes across so narcissistic. And I am sorry, I just dont think there was much future there in general. His “modus operandi” is to seduce pretty women and he knows what to say to get them. All in the hopes to have orbiters, not relationships. For example, when you said he became “hot and cold” I would just think he found somebody else to feed his vanity. 

I think you did good for deleting him. In the future be more careful especially with somebody with so much red flags. I mean, women's underwear? Guy could be a serious creep. 

[Tammy101]

@Kwothe28 ineed have I thought about this extremity too, that he could just be a seedy creep. I tell you what, it could almost make me feel better knowing for a fact that this was the case. However, one would never know! Thank you for your super strong encouragement though. It helps!

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Tammy101 said:

Thank you @SophiaG ! This is really encouraging! The reason I ended it so swiftly was because I guess I just wanted to beat him to it. And by doing it on a Friday evening after a week of no communication, I guess it was like ripping off a band aid and not spending my whole weekend wondering and waiting. Thanks heaps xx

I think ending it by text was fine but not going into all the accusing stuff/details - if it were me -and it was not! - if I felt it was urgent to end it I might do so by text briefly, then offer a time to talk it out.

Also I wanted to change what I wrote having read the other takes on it.  I wrote that you might not have been ready to date -and I stand by that -but what RainbowRoses wrote and some others tells me because you weren't "ready" you were drawn to this self absorbed player type -hungry for the lovebombing in one  way and then you tried to compensate by warning him that you'd been hurt in the past.  Which - if you had been in a better place emotionally -you might not have had to do as you would have picked someone who wasn't moving at the speed of light and all gushy with the compliments, etc.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you, Tammy. I hope you will soon view this experience through self-loving eyes. Nobody dates perfectly, and that's far too ridiculous to expect of yourself or anyone. There's no reason to be disappointed in yourself for having given yourself the gift of enjoying this man, even while learning over time that he's not a great match for you.

While his compliments may or may not represent his superficiality, his focus on attention from others kinda speaks of his limited capacity to appreciate depth. He may have enjoyed the arm-candy thing for a while, but like any novel experience that becomes repetitious, it's no longer novel. If he offered little that was more tangible behind and beyond his superficial focus, that only speaks of his limits rather than of any reflection on you--or your ability to tap into what wasn't there.

Your attempt to get to know this man was not a wasted experience. It's just become a matter of what you will do with it. Will you take some pearls that will enhance your confidence to identify a lack of depth in another going forward, or will you take away an inaccurate message that makes you somehow feel less-than?

I vote for a trust in yourself to bounce back from this with even more readiness to date, to explore, to reject or be rejected until you find an undeniable simpatico with the RIGHT man. You will thank yourself for holding out for him instead of settling for anyone who doesn't make you feel--beyond compliments--like you've found 'home'.

[Tammy101]

@catfeeder I can't say how encouraging this is. Thank you so much for your kind words. It is truly a tough dating world out there. And even harder for women who are not capable to hop from one to the other. I tried so hard with this one to note red flags and act on them. I also tried do hard to make our time together awesome.  Although I may have missed some red flags, I am applauding myself for ending things quick enough. I am certain that he was possibly waiting for me to end things, as he was too cowardly to do so himself. And while doing so, he was hoping to get a bit more sex on tap. Who cares anyway, I am glad it's over and I am looking forward to the future. Thank you again for your beautiful words.

 

 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Tammy101 said:

It is truly a tough dating world out there. And even harder for women who are not capable to hop from one to the other.

I've found it helpful to watch my own narrative. Consider your goal, then work backwards from there to decide how difficult you want to make reaching it. If I'd told myself that working a demanding job on top of shooting for my master's would be tough, I might've folded--but I'd get to be 'right'.

I opted to say, "Let's see if I can have any fun with this..." And guess what--I also got to be 'right'. Sure, I had some bad days. I could have told myself, "See? This is too hard!" but I opted for, "I had a bad day."

If your goal is to find true simpatico with the RIGHT man, then you get to decide how much you want to enjoy all the steps involved.  This means screening out the wrong men to get them out of your way. If you want that to be difficult, it WILL be difficult, and you will get to be 'right'. But that won't enhance your ability to reach your end goal--at all.

Quote

I tried so hard with this one to note red flags and act on them. I also tried do hard to make our time together awesome. 

If your goal is to find true simpatico with the RIGHT man, then your goal is NOT to pretzel yourself to try to turn the wrong man into a better experience. It's to relax into yourself and let the right man with the right vision--to appreciate the 'real' you--show you how it feels when he clicks 'with' you.--not with his own fantasy 'about' you, or with his own ideals that you must somehow live up to. Just pass on superficial matches early--don't try to 'convert' anyone.

Quote

Although I may have missed some red flags, I am applauding myself for ending things quick enough. I am certain that he was possibly waiting for me to end things, as he was too cowardly to do so himself. And while doing so, he was hoping to get a bit more sex on tap. Who cares anyway, I am glad it's over and I am looking forward to the future. Thank you again for your beautiful words.

You're welcome, and I'm glad you're applauding yourself. No need to tell yourself that this 'must' be difficult. Keep your eye on what, exactly, you want. If it's to bond with someone who 'gets you,' then use self-honesty whenever you aren't getting that. Peacocking for a man who doesn't equal your depth and vulnerability will do zero for your self-esteem, and it misses the point--the right guy will 'see' you without a need to 'win' him.

[rainbowsandroses]

@Tammy101 I agree that discussing concerns is important but imo only after mutual trust has been established and you've agreed to an exclusive relationship.

This takes time certainly longer than one month!  Which is when he began pulling back, acting hot/cold and exhibiting major red flags! 

These early stages are for "obsevering" a man's actions as HE should be doing as well with you!  In order to determine if someone is the right match for us long term, assuming you're seeking a long term relationship with substance.

If they're not, it's next.  Again, true for both genders imo. 

Discussing, negotiating, compromising comes later again after you have determined they are the right fit and mutual trust has been established.

Using common sense and being socially aware also come in real handy because often times a man's actions are so blatantly obvious there is no need to "ask" what's up or to discuss. 

I mean what's he gonna say?  Aren't his actions after a mere one month obvious? 

He may give you some song and dance to keep you around when it suits him but when you stay grounded and real with yourself and pay attention to his actions, you will have all the information you need to make the right decision for you. 

You did the right thing!  It's okay to be disappointed, that's a natural part of life. 

We live, we love, we cry we learn. --,Alanis Morissette 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Tammy101 said:

And even harder for women who are not capable to hop from one to the other. I

You are capable of making different choices such that it will feel like more of a float or a glide than a hop -because if you are selective, then gracefully exit when you see red flags early on you won't have invested much where you'd need to do some olympic style vault out of the abyss of emotional attachment into the waiting arms of another man. Or something like that.  

[catfeeder]

19 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You are capable of making different choices such that it will feel like more of a float or a glide than a hop -because if you are selective, then gracefully exit when you see red flags early on you won't have invested much where you'd need to do some olympic style vault out of the abyss of emotional attachment into the waiting arms of another man. Or something like that.  

This is spot on. It makes no sense to invest yourself in trying to win over someone. Let's say that if you're going on a second date, you find the guy attractive--but it's not supposed to be all about whether or not he likes you back--or will fall in love with you. It's supposed to remain about whether or not HE meets YOUR desires of what YOU want in a relationship and the closeness YOU envision for YOUR partner in YOUR future.

You've only spoken about your impressions of some things he's said, which, yes, do come off as limited to the superficial. You vaguely mentioned your willingness to go vulnerable with him, but you said nothing of how he responded to that and whether he ever matched that vulnerability with you. Did you feel alone in going out on that limb? Did he satisfy your desire for depth?

It sounds as though you took pride in your sense of style, which is fine, but his appreciation of that is nothing on which to base a relationship. So the 'red flags' in all of this have little to do with how long he remained complimentary or interested in your looks or style. The warnings had everything to do with how satisfied YOU felt with HIS ability to recognize and appreciate the depth and vulnerabilities that are important TO YOU.

[ShySoul]

As a male who gives genuine compliments all the time to people, please be careful about throwing out terms like love bombing. There are nice guys who really do just say what they feel and can't help it. We don't expect anything in return and we aren't trying to manipulate people. The bad guys who are manipulating are poisioning the well, making it worse for someone who may just wear their heart on their sleeve and say what is in their heart. 

It's not so much what they say, it's how they say it and what they expect from you. When it is sincere, you can feel it. You can hear it in the voice. You can see it in the eyes. There is nothing wrong with someone saying sweet things. And there is nothing wrong with believing them if they make you feel nice. 

I think you have such a need to protect yourself from the past, that you saw a problem and shut down. Now you are going to look at everything through that lens and see things tinted towards him not being reliable and that his acts were always meant to sweep you into something. Which is possible. It's also possible he was that invested but that something happened and feelings changed.

On 11/8/2024 at 11:34 AM, Tammy101 said:

I tried so hard with this one to note red flags and act on them

When you spend time looking for red flags, you will start finding them. And you'll turn the yellow ones that could be worked on, into red ones because you expect them to be there.

Discussing concerns should happen as those concerns come up. It doesn't have to wait for any period of time or any stage of the process. It's all about what the individual people involved are comfortable with. If you want to do it immediately, do it immediately. If it takes a month or longer, it takes however long it takes for the people involved to be ready for it.

There are no rules or guidelines. There is no right way or right thing to do. Just listen to your heart and do what is right for you, when it is right for you to do it.

[SophiaG]

10 hours ago, ShySoul said:

When you spend time looking for red flags, you will start finding them.

When you don't spend time looking for red flags and ignore them when they show up, you'll find yourself deep in s**t later on. No offense but everyone should spend some time in the beginning looking for red flags!

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

When you don't spend time looking for red flags and ignore them when they show up, you'll find yourself deep in s**t later on. No offense but everyone should spend some time in the beginning looking for red flags!

Yes and not in a negative way -in a holistic way - be a good listener -watch and observe from a reasonably positive perspective -how he treats strangers/waitstaff/how he refers to family and friends and coworkers, how he describes past relationships - I mean he doesn't have to reference at all but if he does is it appropriate -not oversharing/venting/maligning people.  

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, SophiaG said:

When you don't spend time looking for red flags and ignore them when they show up, you'll find yourself deep in s**t later on. No offense but everyone should spend some time in the beginning looking for red flags!

Looking for them and ignoring them when they show up are two separate things.

I say to take people as they are. Get to know them naturally rather then compare them to some checklist of good or bad qualities. If there is a red flag, it will show up over the course of knowing them. People won't be able to hide it for long, because those actions are a part of them. If you do see something, then deal with it as it comes up. Communicate your concerns.

That isn't actively seeking or looking for a problem. That isn't ignoring it. It's respecting people as individuals, with strengths and flaws, and addressing things before they become a problem.

I also think searching for red flags can become a way to hyperfocus on the negative. Equally important, but never mentioned, is to do the positive side of that and look for the green flags.

https://www.refinery29.com/en-gb/green-flags-not-red-flags-dating-relationships