AITA for demanding my partner considers my needs and makes more of an effort?

[Batya33]

Also you mentioned this "quality time" thing - is he a  fan of that approach - where it sounds like  you want him to carve out specific time for the two of you like date nights- or is he just fine with the two of you living together and chatting/hanging out together when you can -when time permits, randomly and not where you put effort into planning a specific night out or a specific afternoon out that is just the two of  you.  Doesn't mean quality time is a bad idea but for sure it's one of many ways couples like to and do spend  time together and often depends on other responsibilities whether work, caring for an elderly parent or having kids.  

Also I am still wondering why didn't  you go to the wedding on your own -you've been with him a year -surely before that you went to events on your own?

[ShySoul]

Four children, a demanding ex, a girlfriend pushing him to make plans and be more assertive, the usual work and grind of life... I can see him being exhausted. Maybe what he actually needs is time for himself? He is having to juggle pressure from all sides. That could mean burn out and a lack of wanting to do things, especially if he wasn't assertive already.

You've been together 14 months. I think if he has been with you that long, he cares about you and wants to be with you. He is probably trying the best he can. But it's not an easy situation. There are only so many hours in the day and not enough time to do make everyone happy. So at times he can't put you first. It makes sense you would be hurt. And I'm sure he feels bad for hurting you. Unfortunately, that's the reality of the situation.

You live together. You can spend every night together. Focus on making those moments as special as possible. Rather then look at what you can't do or what he won't do, appreciate what is there in the moment. Sometimes the best moments aren't when we have plans, they are the magical spur of the moment things that happen. 

[Frustrated partner]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Four children, a demanding ex, a girlfriend pushing him to make plans and be more assertive, the usual work and grind of life... I can see him being exhausted. Maybe what he actually needs is time for himself? He is having to juggle pressure from all sides. That could mean burn out and a lack of wanting to do things, especially if he wasn't assertive already.

You've been together 14 months. I think if he has been with you that long, he cares about you and wants to be with you. He is probably trying the best he can. But it's not an easy situation. There are only so many hours in the day and not enough time to do make everyone happy. So at times he can't put you first. It makes sense you would be hurt. And I'm sure he feels bad for hurting you. Unfortunately, that's the reality of the situation.

You live together. You can spend every night together. Focus on making those moments as special as possible. Rather then look at what you can't do or what he won't do, appreciate what is there in the moment. Sometimes the best moments aren't when we have plans, they are the magical spur of the moment things that happen. 

He's never too tired to do things with his own family, his darts night every week with his friends. All i'd asked was the one weekend we had free which are like a unicorn at this stage that he make the effort to come to my friends wedding. It was important to me. He did the opposite, but we are hosting a party for his family in our home this weekend. I've asked him to keep me in the loop about what needs to be organised and that's been a struggle. He's arranged to have the kids two nights now and he's away all next week with work. So we literally won't get any time together

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Frustrated partner said:

He's never too tired to do things with his own family, his darts night every week with his friends. All i'd asked was the one weekend we had free which are like a unicorn at this stage that he make the effort to come to my friends wedding. It was important to me. He did the opposite, but we are hosting a party for his family in our home this weekend. I've asked him to keep me in the loop about what needs to be organised and that's been a struggle. He's arranged to have the kids two nights now and he's away all next week with work. So we literally won't get any time together

Does he like large parties? Obviously he shouldn't commit to going if he doesn't but that might have been part of the reluctance -does he know others at the wedding?

why didn't you go anyway? Why do you need such an active role in a party for his family - let him do the work IMO.

Does he like the one on one dates you suggest? Does he make suggestions about ways to spend time together?

[Frustrated partner]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Does he like large parties? Obviously he shouldn't commit to going if he doesn't but that might have been part of the reluctance -does he know others at the wedding?

why didn't you go anyway? Why do you need such an active role in a party for his family - let him do the work IMO.

Does he like the one on one dates you suggest? Does he make suggestions about ways to spend time together?

The party is in our home. He's away the past three days. Things have to be organised. He will go to partied with his family and darts nights with lots of pressure and eyes on him and big crowds. I was looking forward to going to the wedding with my partner and for him to meet some of my oldest friends. I don't think i'm doing anything wrong in that. I'd put down on the invite we were both going.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Frustrated partner said:

The party is in our home. He's away the past three days. Things have to be organised. He will go to partied with his family and darts nights with lots of pressure and eyes on him and big crowds. I was looking forward to going to the wedding with my partner and for him to meet some of my oldest friends. I don't think i'm doing anything wrong in that. I'd put down on the invite we were both going.

You weren't wrong. I asked why not go anyway -I've gone and my husband has gone alone if there was a last minute change.  I understand you want him to meet your people.  He is not that into that. He is very focused on his own family and children.  And his friends. Accept that for now you two are not on the same wavelength and he doesn't want to meet your people badly enough. 

Some people don't like meeting new people, some will do so for their partner. My husband is introverted. And it  was important to  him when we were dating (two times around as we broke up for years in between) that we each meet everyone in each other's lives as much as possible - we were both motivated to do so.  Not every couple is but it's hard when a couple is not on the same page about that. I've met my friend's partners who obviously were dragged into doing so and it's no fun.  For anyone. 

The party is in his home you've moved into right? I forgot the arrangement -even if you pay him - this is part of his MO -he sees this as his home and you live there too.  Things do not need organizing by you. He is keeping his life pretty separate for now.  You do the same and if  you don't like it consider whether this is for you.  I don't see him changing very much -do you?

[Frustrated partner]

24 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You weren't wrong. I asked why not go anyway -I've gone and my husband has gone alone if there was a last minute change.  I understand you want him to meet your people.  He is not that into that. He is very focused on his own family and children.  And his friends. Accept that for now you two are not on the same wavelength and he doesn't want to meet your people badly enough. 

Some people don't like meeting new people, some will do so for their partner. My husband is introverted. And it  was important to  him when we were dating (two times around as we broke up for years in between) that we each meet everyone in each other's lives as much as possible - we were both motivated to do so.  Not every couple is but it's hard when a couple is not on the same page about that. I've met my friend's partners who obviously were dragged into doing so and it's no fun.  For anyone. 

The party is in his home you've moved into right? I forgot the arrangement -even if you pay him - this is part of his MO -he sees this as his home and you live there too.  Things do not need organizing by you. He is keeping his life pretty separate for now.  You do the same and if  you don't like it consider whether this is for you.  I don't see him changing very much -do you?

No it's our home, we both moved into in both our names with both our names on the lease which I pay half of.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

He is keeping his life pretty separate for now.  You do the same and if  you don't like it consider whether this is for you.  I don't see him changing very much -do you?

I agree. OP, you can demand all you want, it's not against the law. It's just not going to buy you anything but more frustration.

I would have gone to the wedding myself.

[Jaunty]

12 hours ago, Frustrated partner said:

He's never too tired to do things with his own family, his darts night every week with his friends. All i'd asked was the one weekend we had free which are like a unicorn at this stage that he make the effort to come to my friends wedding. It was important to me. He did the opposite, but we are hosting a party for his family in our home this weekend. I've asked him to keep me in the loop about what needs to be organised and that's been a struggle. He's arranged to have the kids two nights now and he's away all next week with work. So we literally won't get any time together

You have your answer right here.  Demanding something won't make it happen.  As I said, there is an implied ultimatum and that's really all up to you.

Are YOU ok with maintaining this status quo?  Or do you absolutely NEED what you would demand?   

If you really need it, you will have to move on if he does not acquiesce.

 

[ShySoul]

On 11/8/2024 at 2:01 AM, Frustrated partner said:

He's never too tired to do things with his own family, his darts night every week with his friends. All i'd asked was the one weekend we had free which are like a unicorn at this stage that he make the effort to come to my friends wedding. It was important to me. He did the opposite, but we are hosting a party for his family in our home this weekend. I've asked him to keep me in the loop about what needs to be organised and that's been a struggle. He's arranged to have the kids two nights now and he's away all next week with work. So we literally won't get any time together

Respectfully, you live together. You get every night together. The two of have hours during the week where it is just the two of you. Make those times special and magical. 

Every couple juggles busy schedules. Every couple has to find a balance between time with friends, time for family, time for responsibilities, tme for yourself, and time for each other. And most people mess that up at times. 

He made a mistake on the weekend. He didn't live up to the expectation you placed on him. Do you continue to hold that against him? Or do you try to find a way work together and set aside time to be alone? Pick a night of the week as date night. Say how important it is to you. Say how much fun it will be to destress with each other. Rather then focus on what you feel is lacking, why not focus on what is there and maximize that?

[Tinydance]

Did he give a reason why he didn't want to go to the wedding? What did he say? I agree with you that your partner needs to make more effort because relationships are a two way street. It's about give and take. However what sorts of things people do together depends on their hobbies and interests. And their personality as well. Some people may not go to something their partner is doing or wants to do because it's just not their thing. E.g. I'm not into sport so if let's say a partner asked me to go to a sports game, I really wouldn't enjoy it. But I might go to dinner and a movie with my Mum or friends because I'm actually interested in that activity. 

Do you have any hobbies and interests you share? Why don't you suggest to him to go out and do things together that you both like? Maybe if you liked darts then you could come with him too? Maybe he doesn't have an issue joining him with things he does but you're just not into them? 

Also when you say he wants to spend time with his family, do you mean many family members? Or it's mostly his kids? 

I think some of the things you're saying are valid but some don't actually sound reasonable. You seem to be blaming him that he's going away for work. This is his JOB. You can't be resentful of his actual life obligations like earning a living and being a Dad to his children. These children ARE his responsibility and he's following that responsibility. If you don't like his life situation like that he's a father or needs to travel for work then you should end the relationship.

[Tinydance]

Also your partner is presumably fine with you inviting your friends and family over too? You seem to have an issue with his family or friends being in your life. I understand if you want your own space but does someone come over constantly or something? You said the children come over two days a week. Are people over the other five days? If not then it's not like he has people over 24/7. 

What are you looking for from a relationship? Do you want kids yourself? You moved in with him so obviously you want a serious long term relationship? Marriage or civil union? If you wanted a long term partner and it was this guy, wouldn't you want to get integrated into his family? Like, if family were having a celebration, wouldn't you want to go with him as his partner? You just seem to have a bit of a weird view on it. Like, he's inviting HIS family over and you don't seem fine with it. So you don't actually want to be part of the family?

It sounds a bit like you want this guy all to yourself but he does have other people in his life.

[Frustrated partner]

On 11/10/2024 at 8:02 AM, Tinydance said:

Did he give a reason why he didn't want to go to the wedding? What did he say? I agree with you that your partner needs to make more effort because relationships are a two way street. It's about give and take. However what sorts of things people do together depends on their hobbies and interests. And their personality as well. Some people may not go to something their partner is doing or wants to do because it's just not their thing. E.g. I'm not into sport so if let's say a partner asked me to go to a sports game, I really wouldn't enjoy it. But I might go to dinner and a movie with my Mum or friends because I'm actually interested in that activity. 

Do you have any hobbies and interests you share? Why don't you suggest to him to go out and do things together that you both like? Maybe if you liked darts then you could come with him too? Maybe he doesn't have an issue joining him with things he does but you're just not into them? 

Also when you say he wants to spend time with his family, do you mean many family members? Or it's mostly his kids? 

I think some of the things you're saying are valid but some don't actually sound reasonable. You seem to be blaming him that he's going away for work. This is his JOB. You can't be resentful of his actual life obligations like earning a living and being a Dad to his children. These children ARE his responsibility and he's following that responsibility. If you don't like his life situation like that he's a father or needs to travel for work then you should end the relationship.

I go to the darts night most weeks to support him. He has had no issues previously going to a wedding. Because we'd had a disagreement he said he didn't want to go but he said then it was basically an excuse. I go out of my way to build a relationship with his kids and his family. Friday night was always our date night but I feel I have to push him for it now.

I'm always suggesting things. But I don't want to feel like i'm pleading, he admits himself he's got slack. We both love the rugby so we'll go out this. 

I'm honestly not being resentful. He had a different job when we got together and worked for his current employer years ago. He said it would be the odd day away and it actually ended up becoming days at a time up to a week at some point. It has calmed down a bit but still he's away all this week. We hosted his dads party over the weekend, which was lovely. He'd the kids all weekend so in the past 2 weeks the one thing that was really important to me that I wanted him to attend he wasn't bothered. 

I'm with him helping out with the kids every weekend.

 

[Frustrated partner]

On 11/10/2024 at 8:15 AM, Tinydance said:

Also your partner is presumably fine with you inviting your friends and family over too? You seem to have an issue with his family or friends being in your life. I understand if you want your own space but does someone come over constantly or something? You said the children come over two days a week. Are people over the other five days? If not then it's not like he has people over 24/7. 

What are you looking for from a relationship? Do you want kids yourself? You moved in with him so obviously you want a serious long term relationship? Marriage or civil union? If you wanted a long term partner and it was this guy, wouldn't you want to get integrated into his family? Like, if family were having a celebration, wouldn't you want to go with him as his partner? You just seem to have a bit of a weird view on it. Like, he's inviting HIS family over and you don't seem fine with it. So you don't actually want to be part of the family?

It sounds a bit like you want this guy all to yourself but he does have other people in his life.

That's actually completely the opposite. I go out of me way to make time to get to know his family and love spending time with them. I do want a long term relationship and marriage, which is why it has annoyed me that he couldn't do this one thing for me with my friends. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Frustrated partner said:

That's actually completely the opposite. I go out of me way to make time to get to know his family and love spending time with them. I do want a long term relationship and marriage, which is why it has annoyed me that he couldn't do this one thing for me with my friends. 

How has he shown you that he wants marriage? What are the plans? Why are you so involved with his kids if you're not engaged with a wedding date? It's "nice" of you to help but with all this tension maybe not a great idea -kids don't "get" dating but they get attached.

He didn't do this  thing -because he didn't want to. It was not important to him.  Watch the  feet- the actions -not the lips -what he says.

 

[Debsterism]

On 11/6/2024 at 7:39 AM, Frustrated partner said:

Demanding is a strong word. But i've negotiated and bent over backwards to support him, make him feel loved and appreciated. He's dropped the ball and makes very little time to spend quality time together, I feel like i'm a  burden half the time. I discovered not long after we moved in together he's been watching a lot of porn behind my back, he's overstepped with a female friend. I'm at breaking point.

My one solid bottom line rule for women about relationships is this: "If a man is not giving you the relationship you need to feel safe, secure and loved, then deuce out and move on." Sharing that with you because you are dancing around these three mandates knowing full well this farce of a relationship is a lost cause. What you are involved in with him lacks:

• respect for your needs
• devotion to your happiness
• full emotional availability
• commitment to time spent together
• failure to establish boundaries which protect you and the relationship with you

No use becoming a victim of the Sunk Cost Fallacy - just tell him it was an eye opening experience and you are glad you moved in so you could learn who he really is, thank him for the wonderful joys you shared, but that you are going to move out as soon as you can. Then do it. 

Remember, this is NOT your husband. No need to do couples counseling for a dating relationship of less than two years.. you are just seeing the true personality of the man you've spent the last 15 months with and what you see is not to your liking. I'm doubly concerned about the p*rn thing and how negatively THAT is going to impact things. Dating is about finding the right fit. This guy is not the right fit. Don't try to force a square peg into a round hole, it will never work and you will both end up resentful. 

Accept reality and move on.