AITA for demanding my partner considers my needs and makes more of an effort?

[Frustrated partner]

I'll try keep this to the point as possible. My partner and I moved in together a few months ago. He was in a 19 yr relationship, married and has 4 kids. The 2 younger and sometimes 3rd are here every weekend. I love spending time with them and totally respect and love him for the amazing dad he is. However he will not stand up to his ex wife. I feel like he doesn't make a conscious effort to spend quality time together as a couple anymore and I don't feel valued. We were supposed to go to a wedding at the weekend and it didn't happen because he changed his mind over an argument but I feel in reality he just didn't want to go. It was supposed to be a weekend off for us and I missed out on something important to me. Not only that the kids still arrived down the following day. I wasn't happy. They are with us every weekend. Mothers day they are with us. I'm fighting his corner and telling him he should be allowed to have them at Christmas, it should alternate. Apparently me asking him to make plans so we can make plans together is putting pressure on him. We're supposed to be a couple. He should be looking forward to making plans and spending our first proper Christmas together. I'm at the point where i'm questioning if I AITA or i've been too compromising. I've put up with a lot in terms of his ex wife trying to cause drama between us, slating me when she literally doesn't know me. We have a friends sons 21st coming up and he won't ask her if she can have the kids that weekend because it's her birthday. Maybe I am being unreasonable. I just think he should want to make an effort. Just to put things in perspective also the ex has never worked a day in her life, my partner used to work come home have to clean the house, make the dinners while she lay up on the couch. I've had her daughter come to me and tell me she hates her own mother and i've had to tell her i'm sure her mum absolutely loves her. She ran off with a guy closer to her daughters age, had an affair and destroyed the marriage and nearly destroyed my partner in the process. I'm not one to jump on the my ex is crazy bandwagon because I know how people can be, but she is a bad egg. I just think my partner needs to step up when it comes to boundaries with her and treating me better, making an effort.

[catfeeder]

Whoa! 'Demanding' is an awfully strong word. Consider negotiating with fair trades that offer benefits to your partner rather than attempting to impose 'shoulds' on him. Otherwise, your partner just suffers hostility from both sides but would enjoy no advantages in choosing to create conflicts with his ex.

[smackie9]

Couples counseling... so you both have a safe place to learn to listen and to be heard without hostility. 

[Frustrated partner]

10 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Whoa! 'Demanding' is an awfully strong word. Consider negotiating with fair trades that offer benefits to your partner rather than attempting to impose 'shoulds' on him. Otherwise, your partner just suffers hostility from both sides but would enjoy no advantages in choosing to create conflicts with his ex.

Demanding is a strong word. But i've negotiated and bent over backwards to support him, make him feel loved and appreciated. He's dropped the ball and makes very little time to spend quality time together, I feel like i'm a  burden half the time. I discovered not long after we moved in together he's been watching a lot of porn behind my back, he's overstepped with a female friend. I'm at breaking point.

[catfeeder]

57 minutes ago, Frustrated partner said:

... I'm at breaking point.

Another alternative would be to channel that energy into finding a better place to live and eventually date a better guy for you. This one sounds like he's run the course, and you already know that you deserve better.

Head high.

[tattoobunnie]

NTA - he's also not the right guy.  He was with her for 19 years, and is still "with her."

[Batya33]

Agree with the input above.  A question -why didn't you go to the wedding without him?

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, Frustrated partner said:

She ran off with a guy closer to her daughters age, had an affair and destroyed the marriage and nearly destroyed my partner in the process. I'm not one to jump on the my ex is crazy bandwagon because I know how people can be, but she is a bad egg

And he is not over her.

2 hours ago, Frustrated partner said:

I just think my partner needs to step up when it comes to boundaries with her and treating me better, making an effort.

He is not ready for that. You sound like a rebound option for him. I bet he tried to convince you so bad with his words saying "I'm so over her", but the conflicting feelings you are getting are coming from his actions that say "I'm not over her, nor am I ready for full on commitments".

No wonder you feel your needs are neglected.

This is one of those situations where you have to count on your judgement and inner strength and believe the actions you see. I would advise that he is not partner material at the moment.

2 hours ago, Frustrated partner said:

My partner and I moved in together a few months ago. He was in a 19 yr relationship, married and has 4 kids.

To get over someone you've been with for 19 years and who cheated on you, you need at least 3 years of being fully single to detach, process all the trauma and learn new needs. If you met him beforehand, I'm afraid he was a charming, but lost case.

[Andrina]

Not sure of your timeline, but did you make the major decision of moving in with him while merely knowing him less than a year? If so, that was a big mistake in itself. You're now at a breaking point, and breakups are so much easier when you don't co-habit. 

Communication hasn't fixed the issue. Sounds like he'd rather not ruffle feathers with his ex versus asking for reasonable requests when changing up custody visits for special situations. If you don't feel like a priority, then you're not. Every couple has an issue to deal with now and then, but when there's major issues that are never-ending and you're frustrated/upset a large majority of the time, it means you're in the wrong relationship.

[SophiaG]

8 hours ago, Frustrated partner said:

Demanding is a strong word. But i've negotiated and bent over backwards to support him, make him feel loved and appreciated. He's dropped the ball and makes very little time to spend quality time together, I feel like i'm a  burden half the time. I discovered not long after we moved in together he's been watching a lot of porn behind my back, he's overstepped with a female friend. I'm at breaking point.

Demanding is fine IMO. I demand respect and effort from my partner but you do that by choosing a man who will put in the effort, not by (probably unsuccessfully) forcing a man who won't to change.

[HeartGoesOn]

What is AITA?   

Posting in netspeak is not allowed.  Please review the forum rules/guidelines.

[ShySoul]

NTA... and neither is he. Not every situation needs a villain or someone who is doing something wrong. You should, though, be more lenient given his situation.

He has four children. Those childen should always be the top priority. Given the way his ex sounds, it seems like a tricky situation and he is trying to keep the peace for the sake of the children. They have to co-exist and he may feel that rocking the boat with demands will cause the ex to overreact. If what they have been doing has been working, he would be adverse to changing things by making a request.

And asking someone to drop their birthday plans and take the children would probably come across as rude. I would think she should be able to celebrate her birthday without needing to accomodate you wanting to go to someone elses birthday. He may need to stand up for himself in other ways, but that one seems reasonable.

And the wedding was a fight between the two of you, nothing to do with the ex or the children. What was the fight about? Are you sure he didn't want to go? Or could there be hurt feelings from the fight and you are reading into his feelings?

Your feelings are understandable and reasonable. However, it does seem like you are jealous. There are five other people in his life that he is forever tied to. He is not wrong for considering them in his decisions.

Talk to him about your feelings. Try to each see things from the other person's perspective. Compromise. If you aren't willing to do so, or feel you need someone who will devote the majority of time to you, then this probably isn't the right relationship.

[Tinydance]

To be honest it just sounds like he might not be the right guy for you. I've never had to share custody with an ex or anything. I know everyone is different but the way I understand it is that usually an agreement in regards to custody arrangements is in place. I understand the children are with you every weekend but presumably that's two days? Saturday and Sunday? The other five days they're with the ex so she actually has them the majority of the time.

It also depends what kind of relationship your partner wants to have with his children. For example, if he had them every second weekend, he'd only see them for a couple of days once a fortnight. It's a bit difficult to build a close relationship and really be a part of his kids' lives if he didn't see them much. So obviously this arrangement doesn't suit YOU. And that's understandable. But it seems he's trying to spend as much time with his children as he can.

Also usually with a custody arrangement, when one parent has the kids during a particular time, they're meant to have them. E.g. If your partner has them, if you and him want to go out, you need to hire a babysitter or ask a friend or family member to watch the kids. I don't think it's appropriate or polite to just tell the ex wife she needs to take the kids because you want to go out. It's also her Birthday so she may have already made plans to celebrate. Or she wants to make plans. It's the same thing if the ex wife was meant to have them and you had plans but she's asking you to take the kids. You would find that annoying and inconvenient, right? 

Even if the ex wife isn't a nice person, but they have custody arrangements and they're supposed to be honouring those arrangements. In my opinion the arrangements need to be followed as much as possible. Because otherwise it's too much upheaval and confusion for the children. E.g. If they were looking forward to seeing Dad but all of a sudden they get told they won't see him.

This is why many people don't want to date someone with kids. This guy comes as a package with his kids and that woman is their mother. I really do sympathise with your feelings. So please don't think that I don't. But while to you it seems disrespectful that the kids are at your place, this is his family. I'm not saying this to be rude but if you're unhappy then it's you who needs to leave. Realistically he won't (and shouldn't) put his children aside for you. He's their Dad and in my opinion he's actually being a good father to try to be close to them.

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, HeartGoesOn said:

What is AITA?   

“Am I The Ahole”

OP, I dont think its that simple. For example I dont think that you are the bad guy for asking him to make time for you. But then again maybe you shouldnt chose the guy who is not assertive(I think most of his issues with his ex comes from that part)and who has 4 kids and probably bunch of obligations regarding them. If you dont feel valued than you could just leave and find somebody where the other side could make a time for yourself. Which again, isnt too much to ask when you are in a relationship.

[Frustrated partner]

3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

To be honest it just sounds like he might not be the right guy for you. I've never had to share custody with an ex or anything. I know everyone is different but the way I understand it is that usually an agreement in regards to custody arrangements is in place. I understand the children are with you every weekend but presumably that's two days? Saturday and Sunday? The other five days they're with the ex so she actually has them the majority of the time.

It also depends what kind of relationship your partner wants to have with his children. For example, if he had them every second weekend, he'd only see them for a couple of days once a fortnight. It's a bit difficult to build a close relationship and really be a part of his kids' lives if he didn't see them much. So obviously this arrangement doesn't suit YOU. And that's understandable. But it seems he's trying to spend as much time with his children as he can.

Also usually with a custody arrangement, when one parent has the kids during a particular time, they're meant to have them. E.g. If your partner has them, if you and him want to go out, you need to hire a babysitter or ask a friend or family member to watch the kids. I don't think it's appropriate or polite to just tell the ex wife she needs to take the kids because you want to go out. It's also her Birthday so she may have already made plans to celebrate. Or she wants to make plans. It's the same thing if the ex wife was meant to have them and you had plans but she's asking you to take the kids. You would find that annoying and inconvenient, right? 

Even if the ex wife isn't a nice person, but they have custody arrangements and they're supposed to be honouring those arrangements. In my opinion the arrangements need to be followed as much as possible. Because otherwise it's too much upheaval and confusion for the children. E.g. If they were looking forward to seeing Dad but all of a sudden they get told they won't see him.

This is why many people don't want to date someone with kids. This guy comes as a package with his kids and that woman is their mother. I really do sympathise with your feelings. So please don't think that I don't. But while to you it seems disrespectful that the kids are at your place, this is his family. I'm not saying this to be rude but if you're unhappy then it's you who needs to leave. Realistically he won't (and shouldn't) put his children aside for you. He's their Dad and in my opinion he's actually being a good father to try to be close to them.

Honestly I understand how it looks but I love how great he is with his kids and would never expect them to ever come anywhere but first. But if he can't even make an effort when he doesn't have them it's not fair. The kids were  sent down on our day off, the day after the wedding. She know's he wont say no and she's abusing that and knows she can get away with unreasonable demands, asking for extortionate amounts of money etc. I'm not high maintenance but I expect some level of effort and making plans.

[Frustrated partner]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

“Am I The Ahole”

OP, I dont think its that simple. For example I dont think that you are the bad guy for asking him to make time for you. But then again maybe you shouldnt chose the guy who is not assertive(I think most of his issues with his ex comes from that part)and who has 4 kids and probably bunch of obligations regarding them. If you dont feel valued than you could just leave and find somebody where the other side could make a time for yourself. Which again, isnt too much to ask when you are in a relationship.

But he wasn't like that. That's the stickler. He was very attentive. When we both started dating we agreed we'd just see each other during the week and Friday night until he felt it was the right time for me to meet his kids. His ex tried to put a stickler on that. Friday night is still the one night we get that's not a work night and we can do something. He has them every Saturday and Sunday and two nights every bank holiday. The argument was about him not making plans. But I felt he didn't want to go to the wedding. Then Sunday the kids were down anyways. 

[Tinydance]

53 minutes ago, Frustrated partner said:

Honestly I understand how it looks but I love how great he is with his kids and would never expect them to ever come anywhere but first. But if he can't even make an effort when he doesn't have them it's not fair. The kids were  sent down on our day off, the day after the wedding. She know's he wont say no and she's abusing that and knows she can get away with unreasonable demands, asking for extortionate amounts of money etc. I'm not high maintenance but I expect some level of effort and making plans.

Did he give any explanation why he didn't want to go to the wedding? Does he do anything nice with you on Friday nights? Or he doesn't want to? How long have you been together? 

I think he does need to be more firm with his ex wife. He needs to establish clear boundaries that when it's her time to have them that she needs to have them. But I'm also not sure if maybe he actually does want to spend more time with his kids and that's why says yes? If he hasn't been divorced from the wife that long then maybe it's a big adjustment going from having your kids 24/7 to only having them two days a week. 

It's a very difficult situation because it seems like having four children, his time is just really filled up with that. Normally in a relationship a couple might not do everything together and still have some of their own hobbies and time with their own friends as well. It seems that if he sometimes doesn't want to do something together and wants "me" time that it looks like he's not making an effort. And then his free weekend time is for his kids. 

How old are the children? Are they small? To me it seems that if you already feel unhappy with the situation and the kids are small, it's not going to get better anytime soon. If at least some of them were adults and could catch up with him just for a dinner during the week or lived out of home. But if they're small there doesn't really seem to be a solution other than them staying at your place.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Frustrated partner said:

But he wasn't like that. That's the stickler. He was very attentive. 

Of course he was.

The early stage is the honeymoon stage. The lovey dovey stage.

But once that period fades, you start to see his true intentions and commitment levels in his actions rather than words. And you see the follow through more clearly.

Truly, I don't think he's the guy for you. He's not partner material and he has too much on his hands to be able to give you what you need. You are priority #6 on his list (after his ex and kids). Is this  the ideal priority you had in mind for yourself in your relationship?

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Frustrated partner said:

He was very attentive. When we both started dating we agreed we'd just see each other during the week and Friday night until he felt it was the right time for me to meet his kids. 

Yes at the beginning when he needed to woe you. When people are usually

a) always try to show themselves in better light so they need to actually try

b) you just(whether because of less time spent or “rose colored glasses) dont see certain things

But now you are aware of those flaws and see them in the open. Hence why the disatisfaction about the relationship.

[MissCanuck]

How long have you been together? 

You said something about looking forward to your first Christmas together, so I am guessing it hasn't even been a year yet. Is that correct? 

[rainbowsandroses]

10 hours ago, HeartGoesOn said:

What is AITA?   

Posting in netspeak is not allowed.  Please review the forum rules/guidelines.

"Am I the a**hole," and I agree with forum rules!

[Frustrated partner]

41 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

How long have you been together? 

You said something about looking forward to your first Christmas together, so I am guessing it hasn't even been a year yet. Is that correct? 

Our first Christmas living together. We're together 14 months but had been friends for a good four months before that.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Frustrated partner said:

Our first Christmas living together. We're together 14 months but had been friends for a good four months before that.

And how quickly did you move in together? 

[Frustrated partner]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And how quickly did you move in together? 

We're here about 3 months. We spent lots of time together anyways. I was still with him and the kids at the weekends and stayed in his family home. His mam and dads.

[Jaunty]

If you're going to "demand" anything in a relationship, that pretty much implies an ultimatum.   He probably knows what you want and is not giving it to you.   What are you going to do about it if you "DEMAND" and he still doesn't?  Are you prepared to leave this relationship?

IMO, that's what is going to happen unless / until you accept things the way they are now.  He has a big family that you are peripheral to.  Your demands for date nights and all of that type of thing are never going to come first.