Fwb is being distant

[IluvToru]

I met him around 3 weeks ago and the first hangout was nice and all and I asked if he would like to be fwbs. To which he agreed then the second time we hangout we don’t have sex. We just game a bit. I guess following the friends part. Now the third time we hangout is when it gets messy. We do our little hangout then we start making out in the car. I ask him what he meant be he’s looking for a connection (he said this on the first hangout). Then he tells me he’s “interested in getting to know me more” which honestly made me happy because I was kinda starting to like him. A day after this he starts leaving me on seen. The first excuse was “he’s sick”. Then “im like ok so wanna hangout next week?”. His response was “no I’m going to be busy”. Which was fine I guess but i genuinely felt like something was off. You wouldn’t tell someone you were “interested in getting to know them more” and then start going mia. So I sent a serious message after like 4 days basically like “what’s going on I mean you tell me this and then start doing this” and he finally tells me “one of his family members passed and he’s sorry” I want to believe him but he’s active on instagram and other *** all day. I feel like he isn’t feeling this anymore but he isn’t closing the door at all which is weird. He told me after the family passed message that he “he’s cool with being friends just doesn’t want to hangout/hookup rn”. Which is fine with me i guess (it’s not). I mean we don’t really text because he doesn’t really initiate any conversation and doesn’t ask things about me at all just responds. I’m basically carrying the convo. The only good thing in this fwb is the hangout which is good because he doesn’t act like he’s not interested. So if you take away the hangout there’s nothing in this relationship ;-;. What do you guys think?

[ShySoul]

Did you do anything the first time? So far it's only been three weeeks and the only benefit I see was a make out session. You also haven't really spoken or hung out much, so it's light on friendship and on benefit.

What do you want? I'm not sure either of you are clear on that. Seems like you jumped to an arrangement really quick without getting to know each other. You didn't set any boundaries or define exactly what you wanted this to be. So each of you had a different idea.

He seems to want a relationship at this point, and want to get to know the person first. But in suggesting the FWB, it probably feels to him like you aren't looking for that. He likes you enough to not shut the door completely, but doesn't know how to approach things. Add in things in his personal life, and it's not something he is sure he should invest himself in.

You also seem to want more. So why suggest FWB? That rarely works without people getting feelings, and for you it happened pretty quickly. You complicated things. 

I'd just treat him as a casually friend for now. Don't get too invested in FWB or a relationship. Neither of your minds are in the right place for something right now.

I'd also try to figure out what you really want, with guys in general. Are you looking for friends? A FWB? An actual relationship? Once you figure that out, stick with it. Pursue what you are really after, and not the other things.

[IluvToru]

We did more than makeout lol and yeah I did catch feelings pretty quick. From what you’re saying it does sound like he’s interested. I would be willing to take it to the next level but I’m not sure if he is. Like I said i mainly initiated conversations and the hangouts he just responded and arrived which shows a bit of interest but in the end he doesn’t really show enough to let me know he feels the same way about me. I guess whenever he’s done with his break we can talk things over and see what works best for both of us 🙂

[ShySoul]

Ah, that makes a little more sense.

Problem with FWB is that it can be tricky to adjust and change course. Usually one side is ready for more and the other isn't, leaving no where for things to go that doesn't end up hurting someone.

If he is interested though, he needs to be ready for it and actively take the time to show interest. If you are okay waiting, then do so. Just be careful of getting to attached and invested in anything until you can talk and make clear where you both want it to lead.

[MissCanuck]

Please don't put yourself on hold for this guy. 

He does not sound very interested. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Please don't put yourself on hold for this guy. 

He does not sound very interested. 

I agree- you met him very recently and immediately discussed a sex arrangement -you weren't friends -you just met.  Then you realized quickly you weren't on the same page because you were interested in something that involved actual dating and getting to know each other with potential for dating/serious relationship and just as quickly he faded out -after just meeting you.

My opinion - your standard should be unless the man is enthusiastically seeking out your company or enthusiastically saying yes when you ask to hang out AND has the same intentions as you as far as why you are hanging out/hooking up - the answer is NO. Stop.  Don't settle for the crumbs he is throwing you -he's keeping you around as low priority in case his other options don't pan out or he's just randomly horny one night and he'll text and see if you can meet ASAP. He's not your friend.  There is no "benefit" to chasing a man who is lukewarm and doesn't want a potential date let alone a potential relationship with you.  

[Sindy_0311]

7 hours ago, IluvToru said:

So if you take away the hangout there’s nothing in this relationship

I think a FWB relationship is based on that, hanging out from time to times. No expectations whatsoever, non intentions, no real friendship, no feelings and no attachment, just fun… there’s nothing more to expect from a FWB 

I’m surprised why you got upset when he left you on read. He is not your boyfriend, he doesn’t owe you any explanation. No need to call him out on his lack of response, just step back if you don’t like the way he treats you. 
I suggest you stop contacting him, leave him alone until he shows some extra effort to see you again, and I don’t mean texting you a WYD text in two weeks at 2 am because he is feeling horny…

I’m saying that because you obviously like him, and sorry, but he doesn’t seem to care much about you… BUT he will keep you around being super nice one day saying how he wants to know you more and turn super cold the day after repeating the cycle over and over again, leaving you overthinking everything he does and says and fall into this trap for month, even years, if you don’t stop this now… 

If he was really interested in you, you would know it. Please move on… 🙏

[smackie9]

When they do a 180, that usually means they met someone else, or an ex hooved them back, or they are cheating on a LDR, have a GF, etc. You could have been a rebound. But none of that matters....he's pulled away, being a flake. Ditch him and move on. 

[catfeeder]

It might be helpful to reconsider whether you've outgrown the whole FWB thing, and that it may not be the best approach toward forming a relationship.

FWBs are messy kid stuff. If you consider yourself to be relationship material, maybe slow the roll straight into sex, so you can get to know someone well enough to decide whether they are reliable enough to trust before you bond with them.

[HeartGoesOn]

It's very rare to turn a FWBs situation into a healthy and true  relationship. It's all in the way you present yourself, as in making it clear that rather than a roll in the hay, you want to get to know the person and decide if the both of you are dateable.

Choose wisely...

[TeeDee]

14 hours ago, IluvToru said:

 So if you take away the hangout there’s nothing in this relationship ;-;. What do you guys think?

FWB is a misnomer.  There is little friendship involved.  It is only about getting together to have sex. If you are looking for somebody to talk to, to game with or do anything with other than have sex then you have a something other than FWB which is sex only.  It sounds like you said OK to FWB hoping it would become more but it won't.  

[Andrina]

Regular communication is expected from a significant other. You're unreasonable to expect the same from a FWB. Isn't that the point? That you're not committed to one another and so things can end two hours from now and that's fine? Plus, you might only hear from him once every two weeks, when he's in the mood to respond, or for your company. If you wouldn't bat an eye at that, you'd be well suited to this lifestyle.

If you're not okay with those willy nilly non-rules, then as said, perhaps you're not cut out for this sort of arrangement.

[Jaunty]

Why did you ask him to be fwb's with you?  Obviously you want much more than that.   

[IluvToru]

Yeah so i confessed my feelings and got the actual worse response of my life😭😭. Like he could have just blocked me and not responded. I got “too tired for this ***” then blocked me 

[TeeDee]

I'm so sorry that he was so cruel.  The small silver lining is that you know.  You are not left wondering.  

You can heal & move forward.  

I suggest you avoid FWB / NSA encounters going forward.  You are not wired for sex without emotion.  Not everybody is.  But if it's not something you can do, you just end up hurt when you try.  Spare yourself.  

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, IluvToru said:

Yeah so i confessed my feelings and got the actual worse response of my life😭😭. Like he could have just blocked me and not responded. I got “too tired for this ***” then blocked me 

I'm really sorry. He was already clear when he said he didn't want to hang out or hook up, which left you nowhere to go. Leaning into that with a 'confession' instead of pulling back was obviously not the response he was looking for from you.

Everyone who has ever stuck their neck out has been rejected at some point. It's not only survivable, but some people actually learn to roll with it in order to bounce back and pursue the next person. I don't claim that this is something most people can do, but it's certainly important to grasp that one person's inability to view you through the right lens only speaks of their limitations rather than of any reflection on you.

When someone pulls back, don't push forward. Pull back yourself, and seek out other people for a better connection. Also, outgrow the messy FWB stuff. it's not a good way for anyone to take you seriously.

[shouldhavelearned]

Time to move on and not have the sexual relations so soon

[Sindy_0311]

 

13 hours ago, IluvToru said:

i confessed my feelings

Why, but WHY did you send him that text? A guy is pulling away, telling you he has no time to spend with you right now. And you confess your feelings? WHY?

“no I’m going to be busy”. “he’s sick”. “he’s cool with being friends just doesn’t want to hangout/hookup rn”, these are his texts, and I don’t understand where you saw a sign that he wants something more… Girl, you really have to become better at reading between the lines. This is typical of a man who isn’t willing to make a relationship progress and doesn’t care at all… I’m not judging you because I’ve been there too when I was young, but please... 

Also, after leaving you on seen and tell you he is sick you send him this: “ok so wanna hangout next week?”WHY? Never ask a man out please… Don’t do his job EVER (especially early stage, 3 weeks, when you don't know his intentions and you are both still strangers to each other...) Don’t you have any standards of how you want to be treated by a man? A minimum of effort, reliability and consistency? Are you ok with breadcrumbs? It seems you do because after he showed his lack of intentions and interest, you confessed your feelings. He got great reward for doing nothing…

Honestly I’m not surprised by his response: “too tired for this ***” meaning I’m not interested in entertaining a relationship with you and tired of this teenage girl drama BS… Anytime you confess your feelings to a man over text, or ask him to text you more or to be more consistent, or to see you more, or anything to get more attention from him, do you know what happens? They pull away even more. ALWAYS. So when you feel a guy is pulling away, let him be, lay back and don’t do anything until he asks to see you IN PERSON and INSISTS on it…

Also curious how you could develop strong feelings after 3 weeks, 3 dates... I mean you don't know anything about this man. Be more cautious when you date men, don't let them drive you so emotional. Stay collected and realistic and learn to know them and what they are about before you even think about confessing your feelings... 

Hope you will move on from this guy and find someone that treats you better, but you also have to inspire men to treat you better🙏 🤍

PS: Try not to rush into making out... wait at least the 5th date or second month of dating... best if you can wait until being official... 

[MissCanuck]

14 hours ago, IluvToru said:

Yeah so i confessed my feelings

A sincere question: why? 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

ok so wanna hangout next week?”WHY? Never ask a man out please… Don’t do his job EVER (especially early stage, 3 weeks, when you don't know his intentions and you are both still strangers to each other...)

But they weren't dating so she wasn't doing his job - when it's a sexual arrangement I would think each person calls the other or texts when they want to hang out and hook up.  He told her from the beginning he saw this as a sex arrangement so I don't think she has to do "the rules" that you and I did with traditional dating.  

I could not agree more that oversharing about feelings with a sex partner in this particular situation was a bad idea for her emotionally and I am not surprised at all at his abrupt and dismissive response -sure he could have been more polite or sugarcoated but maybe he was reacting to the fear of her becoming you know a bunny boiler like in Fatal Attraction. He probably has experience with these arrangements where the woman "confesses" feelings and perhaps won't take no for an answer so he's taken to rudely shutting it down.

I think OP you can as Sindy put it "inspire" men to treat you better by being honest with  yourself from the get go and not settling for a sex arrangement if you are looking for dating with the potential to be serious down the road.  Then there will be no "confessions" -there will be some mutual discussions -quite often -about intentions, goals and embedded in those discussions it's implied it's because the two people mutually have feelings for each other and those feelings are getting stronger and can get stronger -if the two people focus only on each other.

Or- the couple might decide they like the thrill of strong feelings for each other from having other sex partners outside the relationship and don't see themselves in a more traditional way. Or they might decide for now let's casually date each other -it's only X amount of time - and I'm dealing with (family situation/work situation/relocating closer) - but let's keep having fun getting to know each other.

But it will be mutual and more or less on the same wave length.  No angst-ridden confessions where you're not reasonably sure of the answer. No lying to yourself and settling for scraps.

 

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Hope you will move on from this guy and find someone that treats you better, but you also have to inspire men to treat you better🙏 🤍

Yes. That inspiration comes from self-respect. If you're willing to throw yourself down for casual sex, then make sure that THAT is all you'll want, because it won't inspire respect for you or a view of you as relationship material.

That's not a moral fingerwag, it's practical. The message behind casual sex is, "I can do this with anyone, whenever I want to..." which is a different message than, "I take sex and relationships seriously, and I value loyalty."

The problem comes when you demonstrate the first message but really want the second.

[ShySoul]

On 11/8/2024 at 11:18 AM, IluvToru said:

Yeah so i confessed my feelings and got the actual worse response of my life😭😭. Like he could have just blocked me and not responded. I got “too tired for this ***” then blocked me 

You felt something, so you said it. There is no shame in that. There was nothing wrong with saying it. The poor part was his reaction. That was wrong.

When you feel something, it's not just something you can set aside. It is easy for outsiders to tell you not to do something or that it is a mistake. But they don't have all the same feelings running through them that you do. You can bet that each of them felt something in their heart that they needed to say once, so they said it, even knowing it might end up hurting them. 

Saying how you felt was the best thing you could have done. You didn't deny or ignore how you felt. You didn't keep going with something that clearly wasn't what you felt or wanted. You took a chance and it didn't work. But at least you took the chance and know the answer for sure. You can see the person he is and you can face the reality of what this was for him. You will hurt for a bit, but you will recover. You will have brighter days and find someone better. In the end, you saved yourself from wasting further time while still giving things a chance and honoring how you felt.

I'd also not focus on working on how you show guys to treat you. I'd ignore thinking about other guys for now. I'd just focus on you. Be happy with yourself. Love yourself and do things to make yourself happy. 

Hope you are feeling better.

[Sindy_0311]

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Saying how you felt was the best thing you could have done.

I don’t agree. Part of emotional intelligence is to be able to control ourselves and analyse things or behaviors before jumping head first in confessing feelings to someone who doesn’t care. IMO It would have been better instead to take a step back or even walk away heads high… I see women repeating this same behavior over again and always felling hurt and rejected. This can be really traumatizing over time. I would never advice a woman to open up to a man about her feelings unless they are in a committed relationship. In fact, doing so is the best way to be taken advantage of… give men all the leverage and power they need to play you… 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I don’t agree. Part of emotional intelligence is to be able to control ourselves and analyse things or behaviors before jumping head first in confessing feelings to someone who doesn’t care. IMO It would have been better instead to take a step back or even walk away heads high… I see women repeating this same behavior over again and always felling hurt and rejected. This can be really traumatizing over time. I would never advice a woman to open up to a man about her feelings unless they are in a committed relationship. In fact, doing so is the best way to be taken advantage of… give men all the leverage and power they need to play you… 

Yes I also am NOT a fan of let it all hang out especially in this situation.  Even in committed relationships there is a time and place and context to open up about feelings - and sometimes -the choice is not to.  For example if a person is feeling irrationally insecure about X and feels like spilling it - they might choose instead -take a step back, maybe wait 24 hours, do not email about it except to oneself - and sometimes -that feeling fades because it actually was largely based on sleep deprivation or sort of a result of other stresses like work stress.  That way your partner is not burdened with "feelings" especially if they are going through their own hard time.

 

[ShySoul]

9 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I would never advice a woman to open up to a man about her feelings unless they are in a committed relationship. In fact, doing so is the best way to be taken advantage of… give men all the leverage and power they need to play you…

I advise everyone, regardless of gender, to feel what they are feeling and do what is right for them. Just because one person thinks it is best to stay silent, doesn't mean that applies to everyone. We are all individuals with who have our own way of coping with our feelings. 

I also advise that the constant need to see everything as a game of power and leverage is precisely the biggest hurdle most people will face. If you constantly believe you have to be in control of everything and maintain the power in a relationship - any type of relationship - then you risk missing out on opportunities. And that can end up hurting you as well. Other people won't have to play you, you'll end up playing yourself.

And how do you even get to be in a committed relationship if you don't open up about your feelings? Doesn't someone have to speak those words? Doesn't someone at least have to say "I like you and want a relationship?" Otherwise it's two people not clear where they are or what is going on. Rather then play games and dance around it, someone just be honest and take a chance. At worse it doesn't work out, you feel bad for a bit, you heal.

Key is to learn from the experience and not take it personally. Realize you aren't to blame for being honest with yourself and with the other person. That's a good thing.

There is a point where the heart needs to express itself, where holding it in actually is breaking your own heart. I've been the one not saying anything. I've exerted emotional control and overanalyzed it. I was so concerned about jumping in too far that I didn't jump in at all. And it hurt me just as bad. It hurt me worse because I had to live with the constant mixed emotions and thoughts far longer then was necessary. If I hd just done something, had taken the risk and let my emotions out, they could have been resolved one way or another.

@IluvToru You were not in the wrong in saying how you felt. I would advise against trying FWB in the future as you've seen how easy it is for feelings to develop and the issues that causes. I don't think that's really you and doesn't seem like something you'd be okay with handling, the separating of emotions. But the real problem here was his cold dismissal of you. He handled it wrong. He could have just said he didn't think you should be more then friends. No reason to get angry with you. No reason to send mixed signals. He wasn't worthy of you and isn't worthy of any tears you may be crying.

You became attracted and attached to someone. You too a chance on it. That's what happens. That's what people do. That is how relationships start, assuming both sides are ready for it. He showed the kind of person he was. See him for person he is and realize there are better out there for you. Don't feel as if this is your fault. 

 

Really, think everyone misses what co