I have started seeing an escort, but all I do is fantasise about my wife

[Zaku-II]

On 11/7/2024 at 6:51 AM, The Shark101 said:

1: It's like a homeless saying having a house is overrated. Or a poor person says money is overrated. When you don't have something the defence mechanism is to categorise it as Overrated.

2: I think you should speak only for yourself. 

3: It's because it is a critical life function for mental, emotional and physical health! 

1: Keeping on topic, this was presented as a perfect relationship, except for the lack of sex. How someone can value something and label it's absence (or unsatisfying presence) as 'perfect' leaves one to wonder if this is an issue that would have sprung up on it's own, or if it was manufactured from outside expectations and beliefs.

2: I think you maybe confusing foreplay with penetrative sex. Study after study has shown that anything past 10 minutes isn't enjoyable for either gender unless there's a break thrown in.

3: Only if you make it out to be. People can only survive for minutes without air, days without water, sometimes weeks without food. There doesn't seem to be any hard cap on how long the body and mind can last without sex. There does seem to be a strong push to convince people to believe that there is, though.

[ShySoul]

14 hours ago, redswim30 said:

If they want to stay married, he has to have a fully honest conversation with her about his affair and if she will either agree to him seeing a sex worker, or if he is willing to have a sexless marriage with her.  But the point is THEY MUST AGREE. 

Which is what I said:

On 11/5/2024 at 7:58 PM, ShySoul said:

Both of you need to focus on the romance, of making sure that spark burns brightly between you. Then approach the topic with love and understanding. Try to learn why she doesn't have sexual desires. See if it is natural or if it was born from her past. Try to reach a compromise and both respect where the other person is coming from

Honest communication is essential in any relationship.

This isn't about sex. It's never really about sex. It's about the feeling of love and connection that he is missing. Sex is just the avenue that he believes that affection has to come through. Instead, I say the two of them need to come together and reconnect, finding the love that exists and finding mutually satisfactory of ways of experiencing it together.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, Zaku-II said:

Only if you make it out to be. People can only survive for minutes without air, days without water, sometimes weeks without food. There doesn't seem to be any hard cap on how long the body and mind can last without sex. There does seem to be a strong push to convince people to believe that there is, though.

Issac Newton, Nikola Tesla, Mother Theresa...all reportedly died virgins. All lived to old ages, all contributed greatly to society.

Clearly, sex doesn't have to be engaged in for people to find fulfillment and happiness. 

https://www.oldest.org/people/virgins/

[ShySoul]

8 hours ago, Lichguy91 said:

It's hard to put into words how good the rest of our relationship is, so I would find it incredibly difficult to just walk away. However, I think it's time I stopped tip-toeing around the issue and have an upfront conversation with my wife about how I'm feeling. She needs to know where I stand and how difficult this is for me

Talk to her try to come together on figuring out what can be done. A relationship like yours is worth the effort to fix and is worth fighting for. Try to be open and willing to go gradually. Listen to what she has to say or how she feels. And hopefully she will be willing to listen to you. While sex is what you are looking for, also focus on the feelings behind it, the lost connection you are feeling. Making it about the act is likely to make her defensive. But if you focus on the heart, your emotions will make a more compelling case.

Really hope things work out for you.

[Tinydance]

I do agree with the part that there are people who don't really need sex. I mean, there are people who are asexual or have a low sex drive. Or maybe people who are disabled and don't feel anything "down there". And of course sex isn't the main part of a relationship. But I think it's a big part of a relationship because sex and intimacy is what differentiates a platonic friendship from a relationship.

I don't really think it's fair to say to someone that they should just not worry about sex if the rest of a relationship is good. Yes some people are asexual so wouldn't care, but some people actually have a really high sex drive. They might feel horny a lot. We can't just invalidate how someone feels if THEY have a high sex drive and value sex in a relationship. Same as we can't say to someone asexual that they should force themselves to have sex. We need to respect what THAT person feels and wants. In this case OP DOES want and need sex. 

To me it seems that something is actually going on with your wife OP. I understand the lust and butterflies does wear off after twelve years. But if you go from initially having sex at least twice a week to now almost never, that's not nothing. And it almost sounds like your wife deliberately wants to keep it short by just doing the one position and making the sex brief. To me it seems that unless her change in interest in sex is medical then it must be psychological, right? And she's still a young woman so it's not like she's going/has gone through menopause.

I agree that you definitely need to talk to your wife. You need to get at least some kind of answer out of her. Like, if she says that her sex drive just became low, that could maybe be improved. But what if she just sees you as more like a friend now? 

Also your wife said she'd leave you if you cheated. Well, you HAVE cheated. You probably know deep down that something is wrong in your marriage and maybe you subconsciously even wanted it to end. 

[lostandhurt]

14 hours ago, Lichguy91 said:

If she can't even do that for me, then I feel I may start leaning towards the opinion that she doesn't care as much as I think she does. Let's hope it doesn't come to that

 It is all to easy for us to tell you to end your marriage  over this since we are not in the middle of it like you are but that doesn't mean it is not good advice.  Prepare for the worst and hope for the best is your best approach.  Being in a really good place emotionally and financially when you bring this up will help you do it with confidence.  After all your life could be turned upside down in just a few moments so knowing you will be okay if it goes south will help quell a lot of the fears.  It is not easy bringing something up that may just end a relationship but it has to be done.

  Lying and cheating hasn't solved anything, time to be brave and make the  hard move.

Lost

[shouldhavelearned]

Sounds like another engagement post

Op doesn't come back

[ShySoul]

Valuing and appreciating all the other aspects of intimacy and closeness that exists in a relationship is not devaluing or ignoring a desire for sex. If anything, it can intensify feelings on both sides and simultaneously make sex less essential in the relationship while increasing the odds of it happening.

On 11/5/2024 at 5:59 AM, Lichguy91 said:

We're the very best of friends and struggle when we have to spend any time apart. We hardly ever argue either. We love each so much and we're soul-mates. I feel so lucky to have found her.

Having this is rare. People look their whole life for it and don't find it. You are lucky enough to have it. The bond of the soul goes far deeper then physical explorations of the body. If you truly are soul-mates, you can work through anything, as long as you are both willing to be honest and work together.

The reality is, you cheated. A lack of sex from her isn't an excuse. She deserves to know the truth and be given the choice of what she wants to do. Staying with her or leaving isn't your choice now. You forfeited that by your actions. Own up to the mistake and ask for forgiveness. Understand that her lack of sexual desire may have caused tension, but you choose to act in an improper way and now must face the consequences.

Should she be willing to stay with you, value what you have and appreciate the love that exists in all forms. Give her what she needs to feel safe and secure with you. Increase that closeness, regain that trust, and feel the intimacy in the smallest of actions. And in time, there is a good chance other intimacy can follow.

[Lichguy91]

8 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Sounds like another engagement post

Op doesn't come back

Except I did. Last post of page 1...

[ShySoul]

4 minutes ago, Lichguy91 said:

Except I did. Last post of page 1...

And that post right there. 😆 Was tempted to point that out myself, thanks for doing it for me.

Seriously, you are in a tough spot emotionally. There are issues in the relationships on both sides. I hope you can figure out what will make you both happiest in the long run. Good luck,

[Lichguy91]

2 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

And that post right there. 😆 Was tempted to point that out myself, thanks for doing it for me.

Seriously, you are in a tough spot emotionally. There are issues in the relationships on both sides. I hope you can figure out what will make you both happiest in the long run. Good luck,

Thank you. As I said, I really appreciate all the opinions/advice been given here. I've read through it all multiple times and it's really given me food for thought. I had actually arranged to see the escort again next week but I have now cancelled and I will be making sure to try my best to resist the temptation to see her again. I now need to plan my next move in order to leave this mess in the past and work out what is best for both me, and my wife

[lostandhurt]

On 11/9/2024 at 3:57 PM, Lichguy91 said:

I now need to plan my next move in order to leave this mess in the past and work out what is best for both me, and my wife

This is where you are dead wrong.  It isn't up to you to work out what is best for your wife, that is her job.  She has made choices, you have made choices and now here you are.  If you sit down and talk to her and she refuses to even try by getting into counseling with you then she has made her choice.  If she agrees but counseling goes nowhere then the next discussion is in order which leaves few good options unfortunately.

I know you love her but you need to focus on your life, your happiness and your future.  You are already hurting her by cheating, she just doesn't know it yet. 

I am hopeful she agrees to counseling as there is something going on here that she isn't willing to say out loud.

Lost

[shouldhavelearned]

🙃

[Jag Singh]

This sounds similar to my gf or ex. She stopped kissing. Was lazy one position only. 

In my case it was because she was an escort. Before i met my ex i used to visit them. 

Nothing wrong with it tbh. They exist for that reason fill our needs. 

Dont feel guilty. If a woman want her man to stay faithful she should provide in roim.