I have started seeing an escort, but all I do is fantasise about my wife

[Lichguy91]

I (32M) have been with my wife (33F) for 12 years, married for 7 (no kids). Our relationship is practically perfect, it's like we were made for each other. We like all of the same things, we constantly make each other laugh, we're both on the same wavelength with our life goals and ambitions. We're the very best of friends and struggle when we have to spend any time apart. We hardly ever argue either. We love each so much and we're soul-mates. I feel so lucky to have found her.
The only part of our relationship where it seem we're incompatible is in our sex life. When we first met, I was a virgin and had only had one girlfriend previously. My wife on the other hand had already had a couple of long-term relationship and had already slept with 15 guys. She had a very tough upbringing with alcoholic parents and says she used sex/relationships as a way of escapism.

When we first got together we had sex quite frequently, but the closer we became in our relationship, the less sex she wanted. At first we'd have it a couple of times a week, and slowly it went to once a week, to once every 2 weeks, to now only once a month (or sometimes even longer). Not only that, but the longer it went on the less interesting it became, where it now feels more like filling an obligation rather than something we enjoy together. We only ever have sex on weekends and only immediately after us both showering.

It's not like she doesn't like showing affection. She loves kisses and cuddles. She loves when I compliment her, and she says she loves the fact I find her so attractive. She compliments me all of the time. We have a very loving, physical relationship in all other ways.

Every time we do have sex though, it's always EXACTLY the same. A couple of minutes of masturbation, she goes on top, orgasms within a matter of seconds and then waits for me to be done (if I can't finish within the next minute or so, we have to stop because it starts hurting her). And that's literally it, every time. Totally robotic and cold. No oral sex, no other positions or anything else. I've tried suggesting other things to her but she flat our refuses or sometimes even gets completely pissed off (especially the one time I hinted at anal). She says she thinks oral sex (on her) is revolting and doesn't understand how any man would want to do it (even though she knows I absolutely love it, and don't find it disgusting in the slightest). She's totally squeamish and I'm not allowed to touch her after masturbating her until I've washed my hands. On the very rare occasions where I ask her to go down on me and she accepts (we're talking once every couple of years), she will only do it with a condom on.

I've tried talking to her about why she is so against having a better sex life and she says she's just not interested in sex and it just isn't important to her. She treats me like I'm some sort of deviant for even wanting sex with her and can't understand why I just won't let it go (not that I'm particularly pushy with her, I probably try to talk to her about it once or twice a year at most). She said if maybe she hadn't had so many sexual relationships before meeting me, it may be different, but there's nothing that can be done to change her mind. She flat out refused the idea of seeing a counsellor too.

So, I finally reached the end of my tether earlier this year. After so many rejections I came across an escort website. Living near London, there were tons of women on there, so I looked through, found someone who looks VERY similar to my wife and started seeing her once a month. I always come away feeling much happier, but all I do when with this escort is fantasise that it's my wife I'm doing these things with. I feel immensely guilty that I'm going behind my wife's back. It's not like I even feel any thrill in being with another woman, I just wish it was my wife. If our sex life became even sightly better, or she could show any signs of actually wanting me, I'd stop instantly.

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to keep seeing this escort, but on the other hand I can't keep everything bottled up. When I do, I get upset/angry more often, I struggle to sleep and my work suffers. She can tell when I'm frustrated and knows exactly why, but if anything, it just annoys her. There's no chance of me leaving my wife though, she's my soul-mate, but I really just need some kind of sexual gratification from her. I know if she ever found out what I was doing, it would be the end. She once even said she'd leave me if she caught me watching porn (not that I do that particularly often anyway). In a world where sex is at the forefront of all media, and you constantly see things about couples having 'great sex', it's a real bitter pill to swallow knowing that I'll never experience that even though I'm in such a loving, happy relationship.

So what I'm asking really, is if anyone else has been in a similar situation (or had a similar outlook to my wife), and if so, how did you get past it without doing something as deplorable as seeing an escort?

TL;DR In a great relationship with an amazing woman. We're soul-mates. But she doesn't like sex at all and finds the whole thing disgusting. She's not interested in trying to work through any issues so I've started seeing an escort who looks just like my wife (who I fantasise about whilst with said escort). Feel trapped and don't know how to make the situation better

[SophiaG]

I find it hard to fathom how your relationship can be "practically perfect" when the sexual frustration has driven you to cheating. It's not just the sexual incompatibility but also the fact that she categorically rejects any discussion or potential solutions to your problem - I bet you'd be arguing a lot more if you insist on seeing a counselor or improving your sex life.

Basically she has shown you who she is. You need to accept that being with her means limited, boring sex and she's not interested in changing things. If you want a better sex life you need to break up with her and find it somewhere else. But you seem to want to have your cake and eat it too - staying with her and seeing an escort - which by your own admission will not sit right with her and unless you can hide the secret forever your relationship is going to explode one day.

1 hour ago, Lichguy91 said:

She treats me like I'm some sort of deviant for even wanting sex with her and can't understand why I just won't let it go (not that I'm particularly pushy with her, I probably try to talk to her about it once or twice a year at most).

I think this is the key issue - she doesn't care that you have needs and I don't understand why you weren't more pushy if you got to the point of cheating - I'd make it clear to her much earlier in no uncertain terms that sex is important to you and you need a certain level of effort/improvement (define it your way) for the relationship to work.

[The Shark101]

You're sexually incompatible. You're " best friend" at the best and nothing more, and your marriage is " not perfect", it's sucks. 

I wouldn't stay a minute longer with a woman who doesn't want to have a healthy sex life. 

There's no justification for this marriage if she doesn't care for your mental, emotional and physical health and wellbeing. 

Don't voluntarily enter the statistics of dead bedroom like millions other, Divorce her, Yesterday! 

[smackie9]

Have you offer massages to help her feel relaxed? Off to buy a toy or two together? IMO you should try counseling to have stronger communication about it. let the both of you really have a chance to express yourself in a safe place. 

[redswim30]

Your wife doesn't sound amazing to me.  She is using sex as a weapon to control you.  And you know it, which is why you are unhappy and seeking fulfillment elsewhere. 

Any marriage in which one person resorts to cheating (the fact that she looks like your wife doesn't matter- you ARE cheating on your wife and having an affair) to fulfill their needs because they cannot talk to their spouse about it, is NOT a good or healthy marriage. 

A marriage without sex is called FRIENDSHIP.   You have a best friend, not a spouse. 

You have to decide if that's enough for you or not- WITHOUT cheating, cause that's not being fair. 

Your wife is clearly uninterested in change.  She isn't going to - you accept that your marriage is what it is or you get divorced and find someone more compatible with you. 

[lostandhurt]

You are only 32 and this is your first relationship.  Do you seriously want to spend the rest of your life with this woman?

 Healthy relationships are not like this and since you have no real experience to judge your own relationship calling it perfect or similar is naive.

 Your solution is not sustainable nor is it emotionally fulfilling as the thoughts of your wife prove.

 There is no shame in ending your marriage over this because at your age there is a lot more intimacy ahead of you with the right person.  These types of things kill emotional connections which will lead to divorce sooner or later.

 Perhaps your wife doesn't understand how important this is to you but no matter what she thinks it is time to sit down with her and talk about ending the marriage before more resentment and shady stuff hoes down.

Lost 

[HeartGoesOn]

I understand where you're coming from, however I don't understand your choice to cheat, along with trying to justify your actions.   Rather than addressing the problem, and looking for a solution, cheating appeared to be an easy out.

If you loved her as you say, you'd choose a different path. Either way, I have to ask what you're trying to achieve with this decision?

[shouldhavelearned]

This makes no sense imo. I should have stopped reading after practically perfect.

Find other communication methods, counseling, books, podcasts, church, exercise, diet, walks....things that got you together in the first place.

 

Your choice of an escort will probably be the cause of a divorce if she finds out.

[ShySoul]

13 hours ago, Lichguy91 said:

My wife on the other hand had already had a couple of long-term relationship and had already slept with 15 guys. She had a very tough upbringing with alcoholic parents and says she used sex/relationships as a way of escapism.

If you want to figure out a problem, look to the cause. You need to be able to understand where she is coming from and why she feels this way.

She admits that she used sex as a way of escaping a troubled youth. For her, sex is probably tied into a lot of what she went through back then. Maybe she never actually enjoyed sex and it was a means of rebelling. Maybe she feels bad about how she acted, so sees sex as something "dirty" now. She could want to change her behavior and not participate as a way of making up for her past. Or maybe she feels so safe and secure with you, that she wants to just enjoy that. If you really connect well and love each other, she may not consider sex as important as everything else.

I don't think I have the hangups about it that your wife does, but I certainly don't see sex as the pivotal thing I'm sure most people will say it is. For me the love and affection means more. Kisses, cuddles, holding hands, romantically gazing into each other's eyes... all of those things are physical signs of wanting and desiring a person. There is so much more to intimacy then acts that involve a penis or vagina. 

Also note that there is nothing wrong with someone for not being interested in sex. A person's view on the topic is there view on the topic. It's there choice to like or not like things as they choose.

If you feel guilty about seeing the escort, stop doing it. As nice as it might feel at the time, the guilt you feel after isn't worth it. It's a temporary band-aid, like drugs or alcohol. But it doesn't fix what is going on and only makes things worse. You clearly love her. So don't keep doing something you know what destroy her.

You aren't wrong for wanting sex. She isn't wrong for not wanting it. What you need to do is to focus on the love that is there and learn to appreciate it fully. Both of you need to focus on the romance, of making sure that spark burns brightly between you. Then approach the topic with love and understanding. Try to learn why she doesn't have sexual desires. See if it is natural or if it was born from her past. Try to reach a compromise and both respect where the other person is coming from.

[Zaku-II]

1: I'll say sex is overrated. On the one hand we have something that lasts for minutes on average and you will probably spend at most a few days of your life doing, VS literally everything else. In Western society people feel they have to run from a sexless relationship, or like it's the pinnacle of a relationship. Western society has to be the most oversexed (yet undersexed) society in the world. They tend to treat sex like it's some kind of critical life function, like eating, drinking, sleeping, or even breathing. If it were a critical life function I would have croaked a loooong time ago.

2: Ironically, it sounds like you're switching places with her. It's a common thing that happens in relationships. Women often 'ride the carousel' or 'monkey branch' in their early years then lose interest after finding a stable partner. Whereas with men, it's the opposite. They sometimes start cheating and/or seeing professionals to 'spice' things up.

3: You obviously came here for advice though and not an opinion. I'd say now that you've experienced what things COULD be like, you have to decide what's more important to you. Sex, or the 'perfect' relationship you say you already have. Because, newsflash, you're probably never going to have a relationship with a human being that checks off all of your boxes. So decide on what your must haves are and what's just nice to have.  I'd say to stop flirting with divorce and stick with your wife. 12 years of investment is a lot to risk for a few minutes of pleasure...

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, Zaku-II said:

They tend to treat sex like it's some kind of critical life function, like eating, drinking, sleeping, or even breathing. If it were a critical life function I would have croaked a loooong time ago.

If it is critical, not sure how I'm still here. And pretty sure broken hearts and a lack of emotional love is worse for us then a lack of sex. Yet, sex becomes the focus of so much of our attention. 

1 hour ago, Zaku-II said:

I'd say to stop flirting with divorce and stick with your wife. 12 years of investment is a lot to risk for a few minutes of pleasure.

Agreed. If you have been lucky enough to be with someone that long, through so much together, and you connect well in every other way.... that's rare. I wouldn't do something that puts it all at risk, something you aren't even really enjoying, for the sake of pleasures of the flesh.

[SophiaG]

Nothing wrong with not wanting sex but they'd be a torture to partners who want sex.

When sex life is good/satisfactory it's about 10% in a relationship. When it's bad it feels like 90%. There are of course many other things to love and it's not like partners who have passionate sex don't share all those other kinds of intimacy. Most people don't live for only the basic functions to stay alive, eat, sleep, etc. They may care about any number of things that are not critical life functions and won't give those up any time soon.

[Tinydance]

You know though, not all close or well connected relationships are actually romantic. I have female best friends I've known for 15 or 20 years who I have a lot in common with and really connect. I'd call them my "soul mate" but they're my platonic soul mate. To be honest your relationship with your wife just sounds like you're best friends but only on an emotional level. 

I'm not sure why your wife isn't that interested in sex but the bottom line is, she isn't. And I'm sorry to say but how do you know that your wife doesn't just see you as just a friend at this point?

At the start of your relationship you had sex a lot more often. But now after twelve years it sounds like maybe she just thinks of it as a chore and just wants to get it over with. I'm not sure if she has some kind of trauma about sex but if she slept with 15 guys before you then it's not really like she's asexual or something. Usually when someone loses interest in sex it's because they've lost romantic feelings for their partner. Unless she's got some kind of medical condition or she went on new medications or contraception or something, how can she just lose interest in you sexually? In my opinion something is really going on there.

I know this isn't what you want to hear but I think you need to divorce your wife. She told you she couldn't forgive you if you cheated, but you did cheat. I think sooner or later she'll know about it. And the reason you're cheating is because your wife doesn't actually fullfull you. And yes you might say she only doesn't fullfill you sexually. But it's a big deal to YOU. If it wasn't a big deal to you then you'd feel fine and happy. And you wouldn't be going to the escort. And for now you're OK with just imagining that this escort is your wife. But she's not. Your real wife isn't very interested in sex with you and that's unfortunately the reality. 

 

[The Shark101]

On 11/6/2024 at 3:55 PM, Zaku-II said:
On 11/6/2024 at 3:55 PM, Zaku-II said:
: I'll say sex is overrated

It's like a homeless saying having a house is overrated. Or a poor person says money is overrated. When you don't have something the defence mechanism is to categorise it as Overrated.

On 11/6/2024 at 3:55 PM, Zaku-II said:
On the one hand we have something ( sex) that lasts for minutes

I think you should speak only for yourself. 

On 11/6/2024 at 3:55 PM, Zaku-II said:
society ,,tend to treat sex like it's some kind of critical life function, like eating, drinking, sleeping, or even breathing.

It's because it is a critical life function for mental, emotional and physical health! 

[redswim30]

On 11/5/2024 at 11:25 PM, Zaku-II said:

1: I'll say sex is overrated. On the one hand we have something that lasts for minutes on average and you will probably spend at most a few days of your life doing, VS literally everything else. In Western society people feel they have to run from a sexless relationship, or like it's the pinnacle of a relationship. Western society has to be the most oversexed (yet undersexed) society in the world. They tend to treat sex like it's some kind of critical life function, like eating, drinking, sleeping, or even breathing. If it were a critical life function I would have croaked a loooong time ago.

2: Ironically, it sounds like you're switching places with her. It's a common thing that happens in relationships. Women often 'ride the carousel' or 'monkey branch' in their early years then lose interest after finding a stable partner. Whereas with men, it's the opposite. They sometimes start cheating and/or seeing professionals to 'spice' things up.

3: You obviously came here for advice though and not an opinion. I'd say now that you've experienced what things COULD be like, you have to decide what's more important to you. Sex, or the 'perfect' relationship you say you already have. Because, newsflash, you're probably never going to have a relationship with a human being that checks off all of your boxes. So decide on what your must haves are and what's just nice to have.  I'd say to stop flirting with divorce and stick with your wife. 12 years of investment is a lot to risk for a few minutes of pleasure...

1, I completely disagree.  Not only is sex foundational to a ROMANTIC relationship, not a FRIENDSHIP (which is what he and his wife have).  I feel the Western world is actually really Puritanical and shame filled regarding sex and not as open and honest, and frankly free about it as other cultures.  Sex is crucial is to strong relationship.  A marriage will only work with a person like this if the other person is also uninterested in sex.  Zaku, " only lasts a few minutes"?  Sorry you've had such bad sex in your life.  To many people, it is critical and that's not wrong.  Besides, sex is more than the physical act and "bad sex" or just incompatibility isn't the sole issue here, it's that his wife is trying to control him- I mean he can't even watch porn- this is partially WHY he is seeing an escort now as opposed to watching a video.  

2.  I think that's really over generalizing.  Everyone is different, there's no magic formula.  Plenty of men have lots of casual sex til they settle down and plenty of women have affairs later in life. 

3. I disagree with the general theory of the "soulmate" or that there's only ONE person for everyone.  I think realistically and logistically, we all have hundreds, thousands, possibly more of people we might be compatible with.  We just get stuck in, " If I can't make it work with this ONE person, I can never make it work with anyone" which is nonsense. 

Having sex be such an issue that one party feels the need to go out and seek it elsewhere is NOT some minor issue to brush under the rug.  I doubt his wife may want to stay married if she knew her husband had a regularly standing escort appointment. 

Divorce doesn't have to be an abyss.   You are friends who don't have sex.   Guess what you can be when you are no longer married?  Friends that don't have sex. 

The cheating in this marriage is symptomatic of the fact that this man feels unhappy and trapped.  Just stopping seeing the escort and brushing this under the rug because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings or lose their friendship, is acting out of fear.  And is not at all loving towards himself or her. 

IMVHO, OP, you should get divorced.  Your wife has deeply rooted issues with sex, that I don't think the two of you fix.  Even if you stopped seeing this escort, this issue will keep coming up over and over again. This is not healthy for either of you. 

If you really want to try and make it work- stop seeing this escort immediately.  Tell your wife everything and immediately start couples therapy.  If she won't do it, then you can tell her divorce might be for the best. 

Don't let your COMFORT fool you.  There are other women out there.  Women who enjoy sex.  Women you could be AS compatible with or more.  Women that won't try or even want to control your every move.  What you have with your wife is really just a friendship.  If she's really as great as you say, she'll let go this illusion that you're married and let you go find someone who wants to be in a healthy sexual marriage. 

[Tinydance]

On 11/6/2024 at 4:25 PM, Zaku-II said:

1: I'll say sex is overrated. On the one hand we have something that lasts for minutes on average and you will probably spend at most a few days of your life doing, VS literally everything else. In Western society people feel they have to run from a sexless relationship, or like it's the pinnacle of a relationship. Western society has to be the most oversexed (yet undersexed) society in the world. They tend to treat sex like it's some kind of critical life function, like eating, drinking, sleeping, or even breathing. If it were a critical life function I would have croaked a loooong time ago.

2: Ironically, it sounds like you're switching places with her. It's a common thing that happens in relationships. Women often 'ride the carousel' or 'monkey branch' in their early years then lose interest after finding a stable partner. Whereas with men, it's the opposite. They sometimes start cheating and/or seeing professionals to 'spice' things up.

3: You obviously came here for advice though and not an opinion. I'd say now that you've experienced what things COULD be like, you have to decide what's more important to you. Sex, or the 'perfect' relationship you say you already have. Because, newsflash, you're probably never going to have a relationship with a human being that checks off all of your boxes. So decide on what your must haves are and what's just nice to have.  I'd say to stop flirting with divorce and stick with your wife. 12 years of investment is a lot to risk for a few minutes of pleasure...

Just this whole comment doesn't really make sense sorry. It's true that not everyone checks all the boxes. But I'm pretty sure what is meant by that is small things like they don't like all the same hobbies and interests as you. Not that you barely have sex with your own partner. If everyone felt fine having no sex then why would we even need a partner? Everything else we can just get from friends.

[Tinydance]

On 11/6/2024 at 4:25 PM, Zaku-II said:

1: I'll say sex is overrated. On the one hand we have something that lasts for minutes on average and you will probably spend at most a few days of your life doing, VS literally everything else. In Western society people feel they have to run from a sexless relationship, or like it's the pinnacle of a relationship. Western society has to be the most oversexed (yet undersexed) society in the world. They tend to treat sex like it's some kind of critical life function, like eating, drinking, sleeping, or even breathing. If it were a critical life function I would have croaked a loooong time ago.

2: Ironically, it sounds like you're switching places with her. It's a common thing that happens in relationships. Women often 'ride the carousel' or 'monkey branch' in their early years then lose interest after finding a stable partner. Whereas with men, it's the opposite. They sometimes start cheating and/or seeing professionals to 'spice' things up.

3: You obviously came here for advice though and not an opinion. I'd say now that you've experienced what things COULD be like, you have to decide what's more important to you. Sex, or the 'perfect' relationship you say you already have. Because, newsflash, you're probably never going to have a relationship with a human being that checks off all of your boxes. So decide on what your must haves are and what's just nice to have.  I'd say to stop flirting with divorce and stick with your wife. 12 years of investment is a lot to risk for a few minutes of pleasure...

Also have you heard of Maslow's hierarchy of needs? Basically it's a pyramid of how you have to have/achieve the lower aspects of existence to be able to fulfilled the higher needs and be able to live happily. Bottom level of the pyramid which needs to be achieved is "sleep, shelter, food, reproduction."

https://www.etsy.com/au/listing/1644627853/maslows-hierarchy-of-needs-poster-uk

So yeah for most people sex is required the same as sleeping or eating. It's literally biologically built into us.

[ShySoul]

I know a couple that has been married nearly 30 years. They got together in college. I believe it's been nearly 20 years without sex. They are still together and happy. They still love each other, are there to care for and support one another. They talk and listen to each other, respecting one another. They are best friends and partners in life together.

Sex is not essential for a relationship. It may be a very nice treat that most people probably really, really, really want. But it is not a need. No one is going to die if they don't have sex. Couples can be happy together without it, as long as they find other ways to fulfill any emotional needs together as a couple.

6 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Bottom level of the pyramid which needs to be achieved is "sleep, shelter, food, reproduction."

Sex isn't the same as reproduction though. You can have sex without it being to reproduce. And you can reproduce without sex (sperm donors, artificial insemination). 

I always viewed that as reproduction being necessary for the species to survive. That doesn't mean it is a basic need for individuals. Lots of people don't want children. Likewise, lots of people probably don't want sex, for whatever reason. 

I mean, technically we could go without clothing. I wouldn't become a nudist, but it is possible to achieve higher needs without some of the lower needs. 

Think the important thing is to be with someone who meets your individual needs. And the only way to see if that is possible, is to communite those needs between the two of you.

[shouldhavelearned]

20 years and no sex, no nothing ?

[ShySoul]

Sexless marriages are more common then people probably think.

@Lichguy91 Some of these might give you a different perspective on how some people handle sexless relationships and can actually be happy with their partner. I think the important thing is to communicate with each other and show each other affection in other ways so that you each still get that feeling of being needed and desired.

https://www.aarparrow.com/sex-relationships/im-in-a-sexless-marriage-and-ive-never-been-happier

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/apr/15/celibate-marriage-sex-sexless-relationship

https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/15amaot/people_in_sexless_yet_happy_marriages_how_was/

https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/ddwo5x/sex_isnt_important_or_necessary/

 

[ShySoul]

5 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

20 years and no sex, no nothing ?

Think that was aimed at my comment, as poster isn't old enough for that to have happened. lol

I'm not exactly prying into their business, but as far I know, nothing beyond hugs/cuddles. Yet it works for them. If they are happy together, that's far more important then any specific physical act. And you can get the emotional connection and closeness in any number of ways.

17 hours ago, The Shark101 said:

It's because it is a critical life function for mental, emotional and physical health!

And yet people take vows of celibacy to join religious orders in order to achieve mental, emotional, and spiritual clarity and enlightenment. 

Most of us are at least teenagers before we have sex, and we managed to have mental, emotional, and physical health.

We all have periods where we aren't in a relationship or having sex, and can still find ways to be healthy then.

Breathing is a critical life function. So is eating and drinking. You can only go a few minutes without oxygen. You can go over 100 years without sex (and people have). Sex really isn't that critical.

[toby17]

Your wife doesn't want to have sex with you - she tolerates it.

It's not just that she doesn't want to have sex - she dictates the kind of sex you have, it starts with masturbating, which lessens how much intercourse you have. She dictates the position. And she always comes in minutes?!? Give me faith, she's faking. 

She's told you how she feels by her actions and you're ignoring them as well as downplaying them.

You'd think she'd be happy that you're getting it somewhere else but she's also told you what would happen if you did. So she's also controlling and emotionally manipulating.

Honestly, I'm not even convinced she likes you. (As a result, personally, I wouldn't feel any guilt or compulsion about seeing an escort or fantasising about your wife but obviously you do.)

You need to see a therapist. You need help to stop seeing everything as your fault, stop feeling stuck, stop feeling dependent on this woman and this relationship. Because your relationship's not healthy.

I wish you peace and good luck.

[redswim30]

11 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I know a couple that has been married nearly 30 years. They got together in college. I believe it's been nearly 20 years without sex. They are still together and happy. They still love each other, are there to care for and support one another. They talk and listen to each other, respecting one another. They are best friends and partners in life together.

Sex is not essential for a relationship. It may be a very nice treat that most people probably really, really, really want. But it is not a need. No one is going to die if they don't have sex. Couples can be happy together without it, as long as they find other ways to fulfill any emotional needs together as a couple.

 

But Shy, this is ONLY true if BOTH people agree to it. (and yes, I agree it can work if both people are ok with it)

He does NOT agree.  So much so that he's having a regular sex appointment with a sex worker.  That is not healthy and she isn't even aware that he is cheating on her regularly.  That is not fair to either of them or healthy. 

If they want to stay married, he has to have a fully honest conversation with her about his affair and if she will either agree to him seeing a sex worker, or if he is willing to have a sexless marriage with her.  But the point is THEY MUST AGREE. 

What's going on now is not at all healthy for either of them. 

[lostandhurt]

I am wondering if you cheating is a way to end your marriage?  You have some fun until you get caught and then you don't have to initiate the divorce your wife does.  It takes the choice to end the marriage out of your hands even if you caused it.

I don't know these people that do not want or crave physical intimacy but who ever they are they are lying to themselves or have given up.

 OP  Time to step up and do the hard thing you have avoided which is having a make or break talk with your wife.  Couples counseling to try and figure this all out or begin the process of ending the marriage so she can find one of these mystery men that do not want sex and you can find a woman that desires you sexually.  It really is that simple.

Lost

[Lichguy91]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I really wasn't expecting to get this much engagement so I really appreciate you all offering your advice. It's quite reassuring to see so many wildly contrasting opinions, and it helps me understand why I'm struggling so much with the situation. 

I'm still stuck at the crossroads, but I do agree with the overriding sentiment that I can't keep going on like this. I'm either going to have to stop seeing the escort completely, or come to terms that my marriage isn't working. What I'm doing now certainly isn't a viable long-term solution and isn't good for my mental state, or my wallet for that matter! 

It's hard to put into words how good the rest of our relationship is, so I would find it incredibly difficult to just walk away. However, I think it's time I stopped tip-toeing around the issue and have an upfront conversation with my wife about how I'm feeling. She needs to know where I stand and how difficult this is for me. I'm definitely going to bring up the idea of seeing a councillor again and hopefully she'll at least be willing to give it a go. If she can't even do that for me, then I feel I may start leaning towards the opinion that she doesn't care as much as I think she does. Let's hope it doesn't come to that