I can't do it anymore

[Mjay]

Hi all, it's my first time on here. I really just needed to 'speak' to someone. I have been married for 18 years with beautiful children. I have had a rough week or so trying to create boundaries with my mum and her not understanding and getting upset when I voice anything. This week of stress has caused my headaches everyday. Also kids rely heavily on me (school, homework, exam preps and the rest) 

my husband is the main problem. He has never been someone who supports me emotionally, and I struggle with this. When I'm upset and cry he never comforts me, when I'm upset and go to my room he's never followed me. 
 

So 3 days ago I was feeling really down with it all. I explained my issues with mum mum that he already knows and how it's been stressing all week, the lack of support with kids and his lack of emotional support. He never communicates. If there's a problem I always have to fix it. 
 

I told him I know it's a problem you have with communication, but it's really something I'm struggling to accept after all these years and zero effort. 
 

The next day he acts cold towards me, again upsetting me more. He made a comment about some socks been on the sofa all week. It annoyed me, I told him well you can move it too or ask the kids rather than complaining.
A while later I said to him yesterday I told you how down and overwhelmed I feel and rather than trying to cheer me up, you're acting cold towards me. 

He said 'you was having a go at me over the socks, and last night you made it how it's all my fault' 

But he turned it around and made it about him. It upset me and cried. Again he didn't comfort me, he went to the play room and played game with my son for hours. When kids went to bed I went upstairs. He never came up to check in on me

Last night I had just asked him for more support with kids, understanding, comfort, and communication. It was a short conversation. I told him you forgot the part that kids have been stressing me out, my mum stressing me out, moved to a different city with no family, working from home so I'm home all day. I told him I was overwhelmed from all this and he chose what I said to him to concentrate on. 

Again this morning, he left without a word. I'm exhausted of being emotionally neglected. 
 

I find it hard to move on, I am scared of raising 4 kids alone and having a mortgage. Not sure if I would be able to financially afford it. But a man who shows no emotional support, no communication and has never stood up for me with his family is not a man I need. 
 

I feel broken. 
 

MJay 

[The Shark101]

2 hours ago, Mjay said:

Hi all, it's my first time on here. I really just needed to 'speak' to someone. I have been married for 18 years with beautiful children. I have had a rough week or so trying to create boundaries with my mum and her not understanding and getting upset when I voice anything. This week of stress has caused my headaches everyday. Also kids rely heavily on me (school, homework, exam preps and the rest) 

my husband is the main problem. He has never been someone who supports me emotionally, and I struggle with this. When I'm upset and cry he never comforts me, when I'm upset and go to my room he's never followed me. 
 

So 3 days ago I was feeling really down with it all. I explained my issues with mum mum that he already knows and how it's been stressing all week, the lack of support with kids and his lack of emotional support. He never communicates. If there's a problem I always have to fix it. 
 

I told him I know it's a problem you have with communication, but it's really something I'm struggling to accept after all these years and zero effort. 
 

The next day he acts cold towards me, again upsetting me more. He made a comment about some socks been on the sofa all week. It annoyed me, I told him well you can move it too or ask the kids rather than complaining.
A while later I said to him yesterday I told you how down and overwhelmed I feel and rather than trying to cheer me up, you're acting cold towards me. 

He said 'you was having a go at me over the socks, and last night you made it how it's all my fault' 

But he turned it around and made it about him. It upset me and cried. Again he didn't comfort me, he went to the play room and played game with my son for hours. When kids went to bed I went upstairs. He never came up to check in on me

Last night I had just asked him for more support with kids, understanding, comfort, and communication. It was a short conversation. I told him you forgot the part that kids have been stressing me out, my mum stressing me out, moved to a different city with no family, working from home so I'm home all day. I told him I was overwhelmed from all this and he chose what I said to him to concentrate on. 

Again this morning, he left without a word. I'm exhausted of being emotionally neglected. 
 

I find it hard to move on, I am scared of raising 4 kids alone and having a mortgage. Not sure if I would be able to financially afford it. But a man who shows no emotional support, no communication and has never stood up for me with his family is not a man I need. 
 

I feel broken. 
 

MJay 

So , what the question? 

[Batya33]

Do you ever instead of going to your room and "testing" him to see if he follows simply say "I need a hug" or "I am  feeling upset and it would help a lot if you gave me a hug and just listened" -I know you feel like you shouldn't have to ask but you know we're all human and sometimes we're so focused on other stuff -our work, the kids etc - we need a reminder.  We are married almost 16 years and have one son who is a teenager. 

I am more emotional than my husband.  I am type A and he is type B.  He will ignore me for certain sports teams, final Jeopardy game question, a pivotal moment in Mash the old tv series lol.  I will ignore him if I'm texting a good friend and all into that or intense about work -we have those moments too and we are also not mind readers. We have those moments where we should have dropped everything and we didn't but we also have a strong foundation of love, caring, support, thoughtfulness.

I think it's tiring if one person is regularly venting/upset etc especially if they expect the other person to drop everything, and figure out the person could use a hug or a piece of halloween candy or whatever.  Sometimes sure.  But as a regular diet it can get a bit much. 

So how about you tamp down your expectations that he must be  your shoulder for each emotional situation or venting (do you have friends where you trade off venting sessions?)and also ask him for what you need. And tell him if it's a bad time to give you a hug take a rain check etc.  I get upset if I cut my finger while I'm making dinner and also get upset if our son is being - well -a typical teenager - or if the entire bathroom mirror comes crashing down just as I am getting  to sleep -my husband can't always tell why I am upset or annoyed and it's not his job to jump each time (for the mirror yes, for my cut finger sometimes he'll ask if I need a bandaid lol -I'm a klutz)

Can you outsource some of the kids stuff? I'm really sorry about your headaches -are they migraines? Do you do enough exercise daily, enough movement, do you drink enough plain water? Do you take care of  your basic health and needs? Could it be you're sleep deprived which exacerbates  your need to emote, to vent, etc?

I;m sorry you're struggling.

[smackie9]

Request couples counseling. That's the only way the communication can get sorted out. 

[ShySoul]

You aren't broken. You are an incredibly strong person to be able to juggle so many plates at once. First thing is to give yourself a break and some credit. This isn't your fault, so don't listen to him on that. You are being a superhero having a full time job as a mom (with no off hours or sick days), handling issues with your mom, and adding a job on top of that. Realize what an amazing person you are to be able to do all of that with so little support.

My mother had three boys. The first father left. The second was abusive. She loved to the other side of the country from her family and had to raise them on her own. She eventually met my father and had me. While my father supported financially, he too lacked in the emotional support department. My mother forged through, even though I can tell how much it hurt her. I wasn't surprised that when I got to college, she decided to divorce.

No one should feel alone in a marriage as my mother felt or as you feel now. You are not responsible for his actions. You are not testing him or having unreasonable expections. You are asking for support and help from the person who is supposed to love you and be a partner with you. It's supposed to be 50/50, meaning he needs to share in the burdens with you.

How old are the children? Can you push someone responsibilities to them if they are old enough? Can they maybe get homework help from some other source, an afterschool program for instance? Could the older children maybe watch over the younger children? Find ways to lighten your load. Otherwise you will burn out and that won't be good for them nd especially not good for your emotional state.

As for your husband, you can't control his actions or attitude. You can explain how you feel, ask for support. You can express what you need and even that you aren't sure about the relationship. You could suggest seeing someone together. But ultimately, he will have to be the one to recognize there is a problem and want to fix it. 

Look in your heart and figure out what you want and need in the relationship. Work with him to try and get there. But if it becomes too much to handle, it is okay to not want to stay. You can find a way to make it even if you aren't with him. You can split custody. He would need to provide assistance as well even if divorced. You can downsize to someplace more affordable. There are ways around issues that you can figure out if it comes to that. My mother survived, and so would you.

What is most important is 1. The children - It's not good for them if there is constant tension and an unhappy relationship among their parents. 2. You're feelings and well being - It's not good for you if being married to someone makes you feel more alone.