Scared about being emotional over ex

[woodsrose10]

I’m not sure if this is that correct forum to post this in. But here it goes (and I will try to be as clear and quick as possible so I can get your advice):

I dated my college sweetheart, off & on for about four years. I used to cry when he left me to go home.(And he loved that; he took it as a huge compliment that I was so clingy and needy towards him. He never had a girlfriend act that way, so he really really enjoyed that.)

since the break up, there have been times when I get very emotional over him. I can’t stop crying and I try to contact him. It’s honestly out of my control when this happens. I even once mailed him a necklace that he gave me with a letter telling him that I would like to get back together. I asked him to mail back the necklace with his answer. He kept the necklace for a while—-like 2 years—-and then finally emailed me asking how will he know I won’t hurt him again if we get back. (And again, finally mailed back the necklace in a plain envelope.)

This has happened about 4 times since the breakup. I bawl and can’t stop thinking about wonderful he is, and end up emailing him or mailing him a card. 
 

I made a doctors appointment to ask her if she can give me a strong psychiatric drug that I can take when I get emotional over my ex, so I don’t keep trying to contact him. I’m also scared he might take legal action against me. If he does, I’ll kill myself. I want my doctor to know that so IF he does she can come to my defense and say I’m autistic and don’t understand my actions at times. 
 

One thing my ex and I would break up over was having children. I don’t want children (I can’t have children even if I wanted them). I did say that if he wants kids, fine, we can’t be together. But we’re both 40 so realistically I don’t think he could pursue that goal anyway.

But I’m afraid if I tell my doctor about killing myself she’ll have me hospitalized again. She did that back in 2017 when I told her I was having feelings of slitting my wrists.

So how should I word all this so she won’t have me hospitalized again? And if he pursues legal action, would saying that I’m autistic prevent me from having a criminal record of some sort? Or should I just die?

Thanks for reading. 🌹 

[shouldhavelearned]

If it was that great you'd be married after four years.

 

Be thankful, not sad 

 

Find things to keep you busy. Family and friends, new hobbies...work, reading, exercise, sunlight 

Don't contact him 

[woodsrose10]

Just now, shouldhavelearned said:

If it was that great you'd be married after four years.

One reason we would break up was because I wanted to travel. He (obviously) didn’t. Just wanted to work and come home. (Would only do dinner and a movie.)

I realize now I wasn’t meant to travel. I tried visiting places in my area, but I realized that wasn’t for me. I just want to work and come home, just like Chris does. Had we not taken the break, I wouldn’t have learned that. 

[ShySoul]

I don't believe most of us are lawyers, so I don't think this is the best place to get legal advice. I am sure you can find other sites and sources that are more geared to that question.

I can say to not die. You life is precious and valuable. I said before that you are a nice and sweet person. The world needs more people like that and you not being here would dimish this world greatly. It's also a plan for a situation that may never happen. Instead of worrying yourself over that, focus on the present and what you can do to make yourself feel better today.

You seem to have issues with attachment and strong emotional responses. I would look into how to handle that. You are holding onto something that happened years ago, and a person who has repeatedly made clear he isn't interested. If he was really everything you are making him out to be, you would have stayed together. You didn't. You admit that there were problems and that you were able to grow and learn about yourself by not being with him. I would focus on those things - the ways that the relationship wasn't the idealized fantasy you have created and the ways you've grown and become better off since him.

 

[woodsrose10]

32 minutes ago, woodsrose10 said:

I made a doctors appointment to ask her if she can give me a strong psychiatric drug that I can take when I get emotional over my ex, so I don’t keep trying to contact him. I’m also scared he might take legal action against me. If he does, I’ll kill myself. I want my doctor to know that so IF he does she can come to my defense and say I’m autistic and don’t understand my actions at times.

How do I word this to my doctor so she won’t have me hospitalized again?

[woodsrose10]

35 minutes ago, woodsrose10 said:

And if he pursues legal action, would saying that I’m autistic prevent me from having a criminal record of some sort?

I’ve never said anything negative or harassing whenever I’ve tried contacting  him. I’ve said nothing but nice things and about how I said I’d always love him; and I’m back if he doesn’t want kids. 

 I don’t think that be grounds to pursue legal action, would it? If anything he’d probably be told, “Well, why arent you contacting her? She obviously still loves you, I see nothing bad here.”

[ShySoul]

4 minutes ago, woodsrose10 said:

I’ve never said anything negative or harassing whenever I’ve tried contacting  him. I’ve said nothing but nice things and about how I said I’d always love him; and I’m back if he doesn’t want kids. 

 I don’t think that be grounds to pursue legal action, would it? If anything he’d probably be told, “Well, why arent you contacting her? She obviously still loves you, I see nothing bad here.”

It would vary depending on where you live, but I believe your actions could still be grounds for harassment. Looking at the definition where I am at:

"repeated actions that seriously alarm, annoy, or harass you, and that serve no legitimate purpose and cause you to be extremely emotionally upset (distressed), such as following you, making harassing telephone calls, or sending harassing emails."

I would think the likely scenario would be to get a restraining order to prevent you from contacting him again. Then if you continued to do something, you would face legal consequances.

Though none of that is legally binding and would not be a concern if you can find a way to focus on yourself and resolve the feelings you might have before it becomes an issue.

And I'm not seeing that autism would be a defense, though I can't say for sure.

[yogacat]

Oh woodsrose. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Generally when people have feelings like that...they are suffering from depression and/or anxiety. You are a good person, so get to the doctor and tell them how you feel. 

The only way you can be committed is if they believe you are a harm to your own physical self or others. Do you truly feel like you want to harm yourself? I know sometimes we say that we do when we really don't but if you're even questioning it, you need to tell a medical professional.

They can only commit you if you have a definite plan to hurt yourself. If you're saying that if your ex takes legal action against you because you're bothering him, you're going to kill yourself, then yes, you are at risk for being committed.

Please don't try to harm yourself. You are a valuable person and you deserve to be happy and healthy. Reach out for help and support, and you will find it. You are not alone. Take care of yourself.

[Cherylyn]

Don't put the ex on such a pedestal because he doesn't deserve it.  Be kind to yourself by respecting yourself.  Practice self care and instead of focusing on him,  concentrate on yourself. 

Even though my story is not the same as yours,  in the past,  I placed others as more important than myself meaning I would be consumed by them,  had them in my thoughts during every waking hour,  gave generously to them with my time,  help,  labor,  gifts and money.  I've since learned that if people don't earn that type of love from me,  I need to love myself and take good care of myself first and foremost. 

One of my secrets to self healing is to pamper myself,  be industrious at work and home,  have intellectual pursuits,  work on my hobbies,  exercise regularly and become immersed into myself instead of paying attention to people who are obviously not invested in me.  I savor solitude and I surround myself with very moral people.  I suggest you do the same. 

Whenever I've instilled these permanent,  ingrained habits,  certain people in my past become a blur.  Days,  weeks and months pass by before I ever think about them and when I do,  I'm too exhausted to care. 

Don't sink to the moments of despair.  You are worthy. 

Back off permanently.  Don't contact him anymore.  Block and delete him everywhere.  He will become out of sight,  out of mind. 

Seek psychological help because you will receive professional counseling and therapy there. 

[woodsrose10]

2 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Back off permanently.  Don't contact him anymore.  Block and delete him everywhere.  He will become out of sight,  out of mind. 

Seek psychological help because you will receive professional counseling and therapy there. 

Deleting/blocking doesn’t work. I get too emotional and obsessed and can’t stop crying and eventually try to contact him. That’s why if that happens I need a strong medication to stop my compulsion to be with him. 

[ShySoul]

I've also had peiods where I've thought of harming myself or times I wondered if I was it was better to be dead. I've never really considered doing it. But in our darkest and saddest moments, those thoughts can enter our head. It's like we don't have control and we wish it could happen.

But you do have a choice on how to handle it. It sometimes the stronger choice is to seek help. 

If you really feel this way and think you might do something, then talking to a doctor is the best thing for you. It's not healthy for you in the long term to avoid it. And taking a drug is a temporary fix. There are deeper issues going on inside of you that need to be worked on. Seeking help from your doctor is the first step.

And know that we are here for you and support you. I am certainly wishing you well and hate to see you feel this way.

[woodsrose10]

5 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Oh woodsrose. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Generally when people have feelings like that...they are suffering from depression and/or anxiety. You are a good person, so get to the doctor and tell them how you feel. 

The only way you can be committed is if they believe you are a harm to your own physical self or others. Do you truly feel like you want to harm yourself? I know sometimes we say that we do when we really don't but if you're even questioning it, you need to tell a medical professional. They won't commit you for mentioning that. 

If he pursues legal action I know I’ll try to kill myself. (Heck, I’d probably die from shock.) I’m autistic and everything traumatizes me. 
 

As I said, when I told her I was having feelings of slitting my wrists back in 2017 she had me hospitalized. (She had me talk to some paramedics first. Then they took me away in an ambulance.) I don’t want her to do that again. I want her to prescribe me a strong drug for me to take the next time I get the uncontrollable urge to contact my ex.

[woodsrose10]

Just now, ShySoul said:

But you do have a choice on how to handle it.

It’s not that easy, believe me. I can’t stop the tears from flowing and the compulsion to contact him is too great for me to ignore. That’s why I want a strong medication to be able to take when it happens again.

[yogacat]

1 minute ago, woodsrose10 said:

If he pursues legal action I know I’ll try to kill myself. (Heck, I’d probably die from shock.) I’m autistic and everything traumatizes me. 
 

As I said, when I told her I was having feelings of slitting my wrists back in 2017 she had me hospitalized. (She had me talk to some paramedics first. Then they took me away in an ambulance.) I don’t want her to do that again. I want her to prescribe me a strong drug for me to take the next time I get the uncontrollable urge to contact my ex.

Sorry, I edited my post after I reread your initial thread.

With kindness, there is NO medication that is going to 100% stop you from [ex-gf] sending impulsive messages that you might regret later.

Yes, telling anybody 'I may hurt myself if X happens' is pretty much always going to be cause for concern. Wouldn't it be more sustainable if you proactively went to sessions with professionals to improve your situation and your behavioral tendencies?

I know what it's like being stuck on someone for years and not contacting him was extremely difficult for me. I would constantly look for ways to tell him what my current situation was. I felt the need to tell him everything and also the need to let him know that his strong influence was still influencing my personal growth and progress. It's because everything that happened back then (especially with regards to him) has given me large obstacles in the present. I knew even if we reconnected again I'd still need to work on what happened....and that work would ensue with or without him.

Your obsession with him won't do nothing except cause you harm and let him have all the control and power over your precious life.

I say that with the utmost compassion. Please take care of yourself.

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, woodsrose10 said:

It’s not that easy, believe me. I can’t stop the tears from flowing and the compulsion to contact him is too great for me to ignore. That’s why I want a strong medication to be able to take when it happens again.

It's not easy. I would never mean to imply it is. It is very difficult. It is soul crushing and unbearable. I've seen strong people turned into a wreck for weeks, months, and years. I've felt it myself. And every time the person says they can't do it, that it is too great and too much to bear. They do have the power within them. I did. And so do you. 

Cry all the tears you need to. It's okay to be sad. It's the reaching out that is causing you problems and keeping you from letting go.

I second everything yogacat said. No medication is going to guarantee you don't contact him and make this issue go away. And do you really want to become dependent on a drug everytime you start to get anxious on the topic? What if it starts becoming an addiction? What is something happens and the drug is not available or there is a delay in getting it when you start feeling you need it? Medication is a temporary band aid, not a solution.

Saying you want to hurt yourself or even kill youself is cause for concern. If someone you cared about said that to you, wouldn't you want them to get help and talk to someone? The only way to really address this is to work with professionals and get to why you have these feelings and extreme reactions. 

We say this to you because we do care about you. We want you to be okay. And we don't want to see you do anything that will cause yourself harm. You're too good of a soul to keep doing this to yourself. 

Please take care of yourself.

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, woodsrose10 said:

And if he pursues legal action, would saying that I’m autistic prevent me from having a criminal record of some sort?

If you are autistic you are not cray-cray. Autistic doesnt mean you are insane. And even if you are cray-cray it wont stop him from pursuing legal action. Nore you getting a record I think. You would get psychiatric help or getting you hospitalized if you plead insanity. Because you publicly admit your actions arent of a sane person.

Furthermore, if you understand that he could pursue legal action against you, you fully understand your actions aren’t exactly good and healthy. You understand consequences of your actions. But you are still doing it for some reason. Which is punishable by law if you cross the line and you will fully be responsible for it.

Also, if you are having intrusive thoughts like the ones where you are dying, yes, the best course of action, aside of talking to your therapist, is to have you treated. Possibly with heavy medication and/or even hospitalization. You need to understand that its for your own good and not because somebody wants to punish you. Because otherwise there is a risk of you hurting yourself. Or possibly others with somebody having to even pursue legal actions against you. You understand that could happen so you should also understand that you are harassing somebody.

[woodsrose10]

6 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Medication is a temporary band aid, not a solution.

Not true. I take Prozac daily for my depression and anxiety. 
 

A temporary band aid is sometimes what a person needs.

[woodsrose10]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

If you are autistic you are not cray-cray. Autistic doesnt mean you are insane. 

True but autistic means my brain doesn’t understand why he doesn’t reply to me. During my crying episodes I keep thinking if I send him enough emails saying I’m sorry he will reply eventually. 
 

Dunno if you know this story, but I almost asked a different ex’s friend to let him visit me on the weekends. I didn’t; everyone here said not to. But I thought it was a good idea then, and I still do. I would’ve done it had I not gotten help/advice.

[woodsrose10]

Just now, woodsrose10 said:

Dunno if you know this story, but I almost asked a different ex’s friend to let him visit me on the weekends. I didn’t; everyone here said not to. But I thought it was a good idea then, and I still do. I would’ve done it had I not gotten help/advice.

Furthermore there’s another thread here about how I constantly emailed this other guy in 2004 that I was interested in. He didn’t reply to ANY of my emails. Not one. But he was on my mind and I thought about emailing him. Again, everyone here told me not to bother.

[woodsrose10]

Funny, ShySoul implied a stronger medication would probably be needed but Kwhothe28 said medication wouldn’t be the answer. 
 

Obviously I’m with ShySoul. I need something drastic when this happens again. (And odd, suddenly everyone is silent.)

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, woodsrose10 said:

True but autistic means my brain doesn’t understand why he doesn’t reply to me. During my crying episodes I keep thinking if I send him enough emails saying I’m sorry he will reply eventually. 

If you understand that you can get sued for harassment than you understand that what you are doing is wrong in the eyes of the law. Just because you want to get past that and do it anyway, doesnt mean you dont understand the consequences of your actions. To plead insanity it means that you dont understand consequences. You clearly do understand you can get sued. Again, just because you are an autist, you are not insane and can govern your actions. It wont pass in court and I would recommend to stop before he files a restraining order and sue.

[woodsrose10]

30 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

If you understand that you can get sued for harassment than you understand that what you are doing is wrong in the eyes of the law. 

I don’t understand that it’s wrong as I’m doing it. It’s not until after it’s been done that it registers with me. 

[woodsrose10]

Just now, woodsrose10 said:

I don’t understand that it’s wrong as I’m doing it. It’s not until after it’s been done that it registers with me. 

I’m not just saying this. Quick examples: a rumor went around about me in 11th grade that I slept with this guy during the homecoming dance. It didn’t dawn on me how big the rumor truly was until months later. 
When 9/11 happened, I understood that the buildings were destroyed but it didn’t dawn on me how terrible it truly was until months later. I just kind of figured, “well, another explosion.” Then months later I realized the true horror of it.

[woodsrose10]

41 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

If you understand that you can get sued for harassment than you understand that what you are doing is wrong in the eyes of the law. Just because you want to get past that and do it anyway, doesnt mean you dont understand the consequences of your actions. To plead insanity it means that you dont understand consequences. You clearly do understand you can get sued. Again, just because you are an autist, you are not insane and can govern your actions. It wont pass in court and I would recommend to stop before he files a restraining order and sue.

Didn’t you read the example of how I almost emailed a different ex’s friend? (“Hi Zach, can you give Jason the weekends free to spend time with me?”) If I hadn’t had posted that on here, I would’ve emailed his friend. I don’t see why that would’ve been a bad thing.

In fact, I was thinking earlier about how a good idea it’d be if I went to Chris’ boss when he worked at Burger King if I had wanted to see Chris more often.

[woodsrose10]

Well…it looks like he won’t be taking legal action. Even if he files a restraining order, the result of that is I can’t contact him anymore. (And I said nothing “bad” or harassing in anything I have sent him.)