Please provide some insight on dealing with troubled daughter

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Sweet Sue said:

The problem is when I spend less time with them because of my daughter's abuse and disrespectful behavior, she will make threats and try to manipulate. She will tell them that I am staying away because I don't love them and can't be bothered with them- as she said in a Facebook post. 

She takes no owership in her behavior. 

 

You  completely miss the whole concept of taking the high road.   There are ways you can do it, but you seem unable to pass up opportunities to get down in the dirt with your daughter.

Every time you write a post you are careful to refer to her in all the worst ways you can.  

Look.  You ARE a big part of this problem. 

The thing that started  this whole year long drama was you needing to check in with your husband (now - you were not married at the time) for an extra last minute confirmation before you could assure your grandkids and daughter that you would be coming for the holiday... remember?   When they were under the impression that the arrangements were already firm.  

So THAT is why you didn't see them - because you were unwilling to just go there on your own if your husband wasn't available.   OF COURSE the grandkids and your daughter as well would take that badly.   YOU are their grandmother / mother; your husband is not related to them.

That was all on you, so why not stop couching all of this as if it's all her fault and then reaching into the dregs of her horrible childhood for lists of awful things she did?    

[Sweet Sue]

ShySoul, thank you for your kind words. I think you understand me better than anyone else on this forum. 

I came on here to ask for help and some insight with some issues I am having with my daughter and grandson. I didn't expect to be berated, insulted and humiliated by some of the others on this forum. It's reprehensible and unprofessional. It's no wonder this forum has such bad reviews. I expect to be treated with respect and dignity. I don't think that's too much to ask.

However, you have been extremely kind and helpful. I think you understand the struggles I have and know that I want to do what is right. It's so sad that my grandson is caught up in the middle. I feel so hopeless and wonder if I will ever have normal relationship with my grandchildren. I really was in two minds about telling my grandson about his mother and even told him so. I do wish I had sugar coated it a bit more. It probably came off as sounding harsh. I do wonder what hearing that about his mother made him feel about me. I should be more mindful that he already lives in a toxic and dysfunctional home, I will have to be more careful in the future. 

I only want what is best for them. That's all I ever wanted.

As for my daughter, I think the core of all her problems is that she is angry.

When we divorced, it really affected her. My ex-husband remarried only 2 months later pushed her over the top emotionally. She couldn't handle someone else taking my place.

She never accepted her stepmom and after a few years, they divorced too. She kept begging me to take her father back, but there was no way of that happening.

He spoiled her rotten and allowed her to do her own thing- whenever she wanted and with whomever she wanted. There we no rules in place. He wanted to see her happy. 

When she was with me, I set boundaries. She didn't like it and would rebel. 

Our parenting styles were so different. 

Today, she is 41 and is a single parent with no job. She hasn't worked since 2009. She relies on her father for financial support and I think she receives gov't assistance.

I worry what will happen to her and my grands when her father passes away. He is in very poor health and told me he will continue to work because he feels an obligation to take care of the kids. 

She feels stuck at home with no job or social life and very few friends. Her primary job is to look after her kids (she receives no child support) and take care of her father who works from home.

I feel sorry for her and would like to see her become gainfully employed and self-sufficient. I don't know if she wants this for herself. She has so many health issues that I am even afraid of losing her and her children will no longer have a mom. 

Your last paragraph was very profound and I will heed your advice- and not listen to nay-sayers.